Common Vents

If I only had 30 seconds to prove Nicolas Cage is the best actor of his generation...

2010-04-29T16:31:00.000-05:00

...I would give you this clip.

Two Great Videos & The Happiest Rodent Ever

2010-04-27T14:25:00.001-05:00

Because Tuesdays are totally the new Mondays, most of you could probably use a pick-me-up. So I'll stop being a ranting, raving doucheplatoon for one day and spread some happy.

1. Sassy Gay Friend Does Othello

Two very different yet very awesome videos today. First up we've got Sassy Gay Friend. This guy has torn apart Romeo & Juliet and Hamlet already and both are awesome, but this Othello performance is on another level.

2. Video proof that Bango is the NBA's best mascot

This is just the best. While Bango is backflipping off a 20-foot ladder, dunking, and not dying, an hour to the south Benny the Bull is taking kids' shoes and sitting his fat ass on people. Benny and Bango: practically twins!!

3. The Happiest Rodent Ever

Since the two people who read this blog are my mom and that one guy from high school, chances are you've already seen this photo, as I've spammed half of my email contacts with it. But in case you haven't, here you go. This little guy may have a bit of a mouth on him, but you cannot possibly fault his passion.

Happy Boobquake Day! Also, Two Reasons I'm Quitting Twitter

2010-04-26T15:45:00.001-05:00

Today is National (Global?) Boobquake Day, inspired by the knowledge of a Middle Eastern cleric. He has the inside scoop on what causes earthquakes. It's not seismic waves in the Earth's crust, as "science" would lead you to believe. The Iranian media quoted Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi as saying:

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

I've never seen a quote that went from wise to batshit insane so quickly. Exposed women lead young men astray? Sure, I can see that. They corrupt their chastity and spread adultery? Well, okay, maybe a little sexist, but I catch your drift. This behavior increases earthquakes?

Wait. What?

So to determine once and for all if this theory holds water, a blogger in West Lafayette (pictured above, I think) has declared today to be Boobquake day. Facebook group here.

Reason #1 I'm Quitting Twitter: I'll never top this tweet.

Reason #2 I'm Quitting Twitter: TOO MANY MEANIES

If you have a Twitter account, you likely have occasional "Wait, why am I following this person?" moments. Here's one of those cases for me. Instead of trying to sum up the utter pointlessness of this guy's updates, here's a screen cap of what he's posted simply in the last day.

So I sent this guy the following:

His reply:

So I'll be canceling my Twitter account just as soon as my tears clear up enough to let me see my monitor.

An NFL Rant: This Has Ben On My Mind for a While

2010-04-21T13:47:00.003-05:00

Well, it turns out Ben Roethlisberger is a dick-waving redneck pervert (his dong might be gray, by the way. Proof). Now that the Steelers' 100 million dollar QB is officially a menace to coeds everywhere, I'd say it's about time to enact a moratorium on the media calling him "Ben."

This paternal garbage was infuriating even before it was discovered Roethlisberger swings his lasso around like a two year old who just discovered it's there. But now that this information has come to light, people are still calling him Ben. For real, you idiots. This needs to stop.

You don't know him. He's not your kid. It's not hard to type Roethlisberger. If you don't know how to spell it, Google it. And if your only job is to SAY his name, either on TV, radio or podcasts, you have even less of an excuse. It's three extra syllables. Do you know how unprofessional you sound? Let me lay it out for you.

When you say: "Roethlisberger took his penis out and screamed YUMMY YUMMY DING DONG TIMES!" you sound like you're doing your job.

When you say: "Ben took his penis out and screamed YUMMY YUMMY DING DONG TIMES!" you sound like you're telling a story of your kid's most recent bathtub experience.

Stop being a dumbass. Figure it out.

Radiohead Fans Are The Worst

2010-04-16T16:34:00.000-05:00

Radiohead and I are like that one roommate you never quite gelled with. Great dude, everyone loved him, but for some reason it just never clicked for you. Click here to see their video for Paranoid Android, one of my favorite songs off of my favorite album of theirs. I can acknowledge that this is good music. I think the reason I'm not very into Radiohead is because I'm afraid of falling into one of the following groups.

The "What's the Deeper Meaning?" Radiohead fan

The "ZOMG NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THIS" Radiohead fan

The "Radiohead is kind of underground despite being mainstream and politicians hate that" Radiohead fan

The "Radiohead Is Better Than Your Favorite Music" Radiohead fan

Every one of these groups has its share of idiots, but the last group is the worst of the worst. My band is not better than your band. There's no way to prove it. Music is by far the most difficult medium to argue. When I'm listening to Paranoid Android, I think the hook is catchy and the lyrics are impossible to comprehend. But maybe the lyrics resonate with you because you can think outside the box, or you think the government is spying on you, or you're tripping on acid. We all hear music differently. This is why Pitchfork is full of shit, by the way.

After rambling on about how pointless it is to argue music, it's time for me to contradict myself: Lady GaGa is not actually that awful. In fact, she's kind of badass. She's interesting, her songs are catchy, and above all, fat kids love to sing them.

To all Radiohead fans who fall into any of the above groups: Get Did. Seriously. I might love this music if I wasn't so scared of my musical tastes shrinking to one band and one band only. You're all idiots.

Rant: Jam Bands Suck

2010-04-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

Time for another edition of Arguing About Musical Opinions: The Most Pointless Discussion Humans Can Possibly Have. Are you as excited as I am? Let's get started.

As you can see to the left, Dan Bardin is a moron.

On a day much like today roughly two years ago, I realized jam bands are brutal. I forget what song I was listening to, so let's just say it was one of the hundreds of versions of "Watchtower" DMB has played over the years.

I'm knocking DMB early on in this rant, so let me clarify by restating that all jam bands suck. Who's your favorite jam band ever? I'll go out on a limb and say it's either DMB, The Grateful Dead or Phish. My personal favorite jam band (and one of my favorite bands ever) would be Gov't Mule. And guess what: if any song by any of these groups hits my iPod and exceeds the 10 minute mark, it's getting skipped. Even Mule. I don't have that kind of time. I buy my books in a matter of seconds, I skip TV commercials and my movies are mailed to me. I've completely run out of patience when it comes to these interminable songs. Because here's the deal, and I'm gonna boldface this point for emphasis:

Jam Bands are consistently lauded for their improvisation skills, when in reality everyone playing is too stoned to realize a song should have ended 6 minutes ago.

This is why studio versions of songs are generally a more manageable 4 to 5 minutes. The band members are much less likely to be tripping balls in the studio, and even if they are, they'll have a producer in their ear telling them to wrap it up because nobody wants to listen to 5 extra minutes of "improv."

And therein lies a key component to digging the jam bands, particularly at live shows. You'd best be in some kind of altered state.

I've been to numerous DMB shows, and every time I hear a killer 20 minute version of "Too Much" and I'm ready to off myself, but before I do I look around, and EVERYONE IS ENJOYING THEMSELVES. For a while, I wondered what was wrong with me. Am I a hipster? Are my tastes not as diverse as I thought they were? Turns out all the people grooving to another endless DMB jam were simply higher than Brittany Murphy.

And to those of you telling me I forgot booze: I didn't forget booze. Being trashed at a concert is the worst. You're in the bathroom a majority of the time, and when you're actually hanging out listening to music, it's impossible to comprehend.

Back to Dan Bardin. He's a moron, yes. But I can't fault him. I know him better than most people on the planet, and I know that he learned guitar thanks to DMB songs way back in his early teens. That's some powerful nostalgia that's impossible to argue away. This is why he agreed with me that all jam bands suck...except for Dave. It's completely hypocritical and also completely understandable. Nostalgia has power. It's why I think Homeward Bound is a dynamite movie, when it fact it most likely bites the big one.

But for the rest of you idiots, you have no excuse. Once again, and hopefully the third time is the charm: JAM BANDS SUCK. In the time it took you to listen to Dark Star, you could have heard four Black Keys tunes. Increase your musical efficiency, grow up, and above all, stop thinking you have to get high to enjoy music. You don't. The music just has to be good.

The Greatest Tampon Ad You'll Ever See

2010-04-06T09:01:00.001-05:00

So there I was, hanging out and teaching myself a new song on the guitar. It was Thickfreakness by The Black Keys, if you must know. Yeah, I'm kind of legit. No big deal.

As I learned it I could actually feel my Badassery Meter increasing. I may have to get a tattoo soon. But this is beside the point.

The real reason I'm telling you this is as follows: I play the axe with headphones on so I don't disturb the dog and the neighbors. I was being called by The Jess, but I couldn't hear her because of my crunchy grooves. She finally got up and got my attention in the next room (she's totally super sick and stuff so this was difficult) and showed me a commercial she rewound on the DVR.

Gold. This ad will do for tampons what The Man Your Man Could Smell Like did for men's body wash. You can trust me on this. If there's one thing I know, it's tampons.

Update:

I've been sent the 2nd greatest tampon ad you'll ever see. Thanks to Amanda for the heads up.

Two Horrendous March Madness Commercials

2010-03-29T15:30:00.002-05:00

If you've been following the tourney at all, you've seen these two ads. I couldn't find the State Farm commercials featuring The Man With Every Race or the Nissan ones that for some reason have a narrator with a speech impediment. But these two ads will do just fine.

Also, I've heard people are annoyed with the Exxon Mobil nerds and the Coke Zero guy. I don't have a problem with them, even after seeing their commercials over 30 times at least. However, I have a definite problem with the following ads:

They show this ad during EVERY. COMMERCIAL. BREAK. I am not kidding. I will no longer fly Southwest. I don't care if bags fly free, a message conveyed through varying degrees of obesity. Yes, I live 10 minutes from O'Hare and over an hour from Midway. What's your point?

"HAVE YOU EVER DRIVEN A CAR THAT HAS PURE SILVER DUST POLISHED INTO THE WOOD? OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T." What a smug little shithead. The best thing about this ad is the surrounding landscape. Are they trying to tell me the Infiniti M is an off-road vehicle? Because it would not be a good idea to get dirt on the silver dust.

"I'm sure glad I chose Infiniti over Lexus, BMW, Audi and Mercedes-Benz! Sure, this thing may handle like garbage, but feel that breezy air conditioning!"

Professional Perspective:

For an expert's take on these two brutal ads, let's toss it to news reporter Gordon Boyd, who's live on the scene.

Well said, Gordon! I, too, hurled my poorly-assembled notes in disgust upon viewing these ads.

How I'm Passing the Time

2010-03-24T11:41:00.000-05:00

The Jess is in Mexico on Spring Break with her grad school ladies. They're just like Sex and the City!!!

So what do I do in the meantime? I send emails to myself about new guns to try out in Call of Duty. My life is super awesome and slightly sad.

The Brackets. Brought to you by various Disney villains.

2010-03-18T10:36:00.000-05:00

It's madness time, people! I want your brackets. Email them to me by writing ltrayser at gmail dot com. If you tell me you can't email them, you're lying. Take a screen capture of it and send it my way. If you don't know how to do that, Google it. It's pretty easy and you'll feel like a champ when you do it correctly.

Below are the brackets of entrants so far. If you hover over each bracket you'll be able to see who its author is. Also, clicking on the bracket shows you a picture of each author's cinematic sponsor. They may or may not all be Disney villains. Anyway, let's get it started.

The Facebook Comment Ninja Strikes Again

2010-03-12T16:55:00.000-06:00

So silent. So deadly. I'm like a two day old fart.

Lindsay Lohan is suing eTrade. After you find out why, you'll be even more confused

2010-03-09T16:50:00.000-06:00

Two awesome videos:

Today in bullshit news:
Remember that eTrade "milkaholic" Super Bowl ad? Turns out the milk-crazy baby was named Lindsay, and so, eTrade is now being sued for $100 million by Lindsay Lohan. This is a real thing.

Lohan claims she has first name recognition on par with Madonna and Oprah. Remember The Parent Trap? Freaky Friday? Mean Girls? Decent flicks that showcased a budding star's potential. Now she's a complete train wreck. What a jackass.

And finally, here's your perplexing pop-up ad of the day:

Best Picture/Director

2010-03-07T11:31:00.002-06:00

Note from Luke: This is Bighead's final Oscar Preview post. To read his past entries, check out the links below.

[Top 10 Snubs]
[Supporting Actress]
[Supporting Actor]
[Best Actress]
[Best Actor]

I'm combining the Best Picture and Best Director categories because they happen to fall in the same order. The directors are going to be in parentheses following their respective movies.

10. The Blind Side

Sandra Bullock single handedly carried this movie to the top ten. This feel good summer blockbuster will get more viewers tuning in to the Academy Awards which is the main goal for expanding back to ten nominees. Is it one of the top ten movies of the year? Probably not. However, this is the perfect movie to round off the Best Picture category.

9. Precious (5. Lee Daniels)

No.

8. A Serious Man

I'm pretty sure the Coen brothers can't miss. Especially with the new format of ten Best Picture nominees, they could make one movie every year and it'd be up for an Oscar. They write, produce and direct every time and they seem to never fail. And although this movie isn't even close to the caliber of say...No Country For Old Men, it's quite enjoyable.

Michael Stuhlbarg plays a Jewish professor in this dark comedy whose life basically gets dumped on over and over again. His wife hates him, his children don't respect him, and his brother (the only constant in his life) is socially awkward and won't leave his house. I know. Sounds hilarious, right?

It's held back by its unknown status and the fact that most people don't especially like dark comedies, but I highly recommend Netflixing it.

7. Up

People are really stressing the fact that this is only the second animated feature to be nominated for Best Picture and I guess that's an honor, but let me tell you why I have trouble putting Up in the "Best Animated Picture Ever" category.

It's not even close to Beauty and the Beast
As some of you may know, Beauty and the Beast was the only animated feature to be nominated for Best Picture and that was when there were only five nominees. It was nominated because it was ahead of its time and it's hard to a.) make a good musical, and b.) make a good animated feature. Beauty and the Beast did both.
It's not even close to WALL-E
WALL-E is the best animated movie ever made. Hands down. And although Up is a masterpiece and Pixar is really learning how to tug at your heart without making it inappropriate for kids, I find it hard to give it the credit that I probably should.

6. An Education

You can come out of this movie with two different mindsets: I hated it because it was creepy, or I loved it because the creepiness didn't seem as creepy as it should have. If I read the script before I saw the movie I would've freaked out and refused to see it.

Plot: A thirty-something man has sex with a sixteen year old. Oh wait, she made him wait until her seventeenth birthday. So it's totally not creepy.

Carey Mulligan owns the whole time, and Peter Sarsgaard somehow makes his character charming, not creepy. Hard to do in a role like the one he played. The supporting cast does exactly that; they support Mulligan to perfection, and there are two dominant and memorable cameos by Emma Thompson and Sally Hawkins that top off the picture.

5. District 9

This movie give me hope for the film industry. Sometimes movies come along where I think, "is this the best Hollywood has to offer?" When I see a movie being remade for the tenth time or Rocky still fighting while he's in a wheelchair, I tend to get a little upset. Can't somebody on earth be creative? But then this sci-fi thriller comes along and my heart feels good.

Like last year's Best Picture winner, Slumdog Millionaire, right after I watched this movie, I was mad that I wasn't the one who thought of it. If you haven't seen D9 yet (and you don't mind some blood and you can stomach your way through it), watch it now.

(And I'm mad at myself for forgetting Sharlto Copley on my 10 snubs list. I would've loved to see him nominated for Best Actor. He deserves it this year more than Morgan Freeman.

4. Inglourious Basterds (4. Quentin Tarantino)

I've heard from a lot of people that Basterds has the best collective acting in the bunch, but it all starts with Tarantino. I wish I could write like he can. He's the best at writing 20 minutes of well-crafted, meaningful dialogue, and then following it up with 3 seconds of mass chaos.

I was hooked on this movie the moment I saw the first trailer. I knew going into it that I was going to see a lot of blood, and that the movie itself was going to feel like Tarantino (ensemble cast, broken up into chapters, strong female lead, etc). It had everything I hoped for, and then some. Listen, I have no sympathy for Nazis. What was shown in that movie was nothing. SPOILER ALERT: How Hitler dies in this movie is not even close to how I wished he died. It was Tarantino saying "Forget facts! I'm making history the way I want to make it!" Awesome.

I think this post might just be my masterpiece.

3. Up In the Air (3. Jason Reitman)

Both Basterds and the film not to be confused with Pixar's Up had scripts that owned. It'll probably win Best Adapted Screenplay, and this might be my favorite acting cast this year, so it feels strange putting it at number 3 on my list with such qualifications, but I have two very big reasons for it (see number 1 and number 2).

Everybody just fits perfectly into their roles in Up in the Air. George Clooney was at the top of his game and Vera Farmiga's quick wit complemented Anna Kendrick's spastic ways to perfection. Even Herny Rowengartner's mom made a great appearance.

Also, Jason Reitman is officially a director not to mess with. He's here to stay. Thank You For Smoking in 2005, Juno in 2007, Up in the Air in 2009. Very impressive, especially considering the guy's 32 years old. Whatever he makes in 2011, I'm seeing.

2. Avatar (2. James Cameron)

The next two movies are the clear front-runners for both of these categories, and although I feel the Best Picture and Best Director winners should always go to the same movie, that doesn't always happen. This is because only directors in the Academy vote for best director and the entire Academy votes on Best Picture. Most years this doesn't matter, but I think this year it will.

Avatar was unlike anything you will ever see. James Cameron created a whole new world. I felt like Jasmine in Aladdin. Awwwwww SNAP. If they made a 24 hour featurette called "The Making of Avatar," I would watch every second...Twice. I think the Na'Vi are a real species. They sure seemed real to me. Unfortunately, if I had the ability to do what Cameron did, there were a couple things in this movie where I went "I would have done that differently." Sigourney Weaver quickly comes to mind.

Between Best Picture and Best Director, Avatar has the best chance to win Best Picture. Regardless, it will most likely clean up at least 5 of its 9 total nominations. Avatar grossed over a billion dollars and changed film making forever, but as far as Oscar is concerned, this is not Cameron's year.

1. The Hurt Locker (1. Kathryn Bigelow)

There is nothing wrong with this movie. Let's go through it.

Writing: A+
All movies start with the script. Mark Boal went into Iraq and followed a squad of bomb techs around, so he knows his stuff and it shows. He writes about their job and that's it. As a strong conservative, one of the biggest things I can't stand about movies involving Iraq is the bashing of our government. Boal leaves the politics out of it. Hurt Locker isn't pro-war or anti-war. It simply tells a story. It just happens to be an incredibly powerful story, and one that makes you think once it's over.

Acting: A+
Jeremey Renner gives one of the most memorable performances of the year. Hands down. Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty are the everyday soldiers. They are not douchebags like Channing Tatum that because they have huge muscles, that means they belong in a uniform. Wow, do I hate Channing Tatum. Guy Pearce, Ralph Fiennes, David Morse were all flawless (and they're collectively on screen for about 10 minutes).

Directing A++
Everything about this movie is perfect. Choosing a cinematographer whose main background is documentaries so you feel like you're in the action with the soldiers was brilliant. Using real explosives instead of the "Hollywood BALLS OF FIRE" was brilliant. Making the movie independently so you could film it on the border of Iraq instead of somewhere like Morocco was brilliant. Making it independently also means you can choose your actors. A studio would have picked Tom Cruise, Denzel Washington, and Adrien Brody as there three main characters. That wouldn't have worked here, because:

*HUGE SPOILER ALERT*The two most famous people in this movie die two minutes into their scenes. Brilliant. Katheryn Bigelow, thank you for making this masterpiece. Oh, and you are extremely hot for 58.

The winner of the Director's Guild top award has won the Best Director Oscar 55 out of the last 61 years. Lucky for Katheryn Bigelow, she has already won the DGA Award so I think this is hers to lose.

So there we have it. Bigelow and The Hurt Locker are my pick to bring home the Best Picture and Best Director Oscars. The Oscars are tonight. You need to watch them. JUST DO IT. IS IT IN YOU? I'M LOVING IT!

Why My Idiot Friends Hate Me

2010-03-05T12:10:00.004-06:00

ZOMG UPDATE:

Maybe this is what Dan was excited for. Thanks to @acegrl for the image.

Best Actor: 2010 Oscar Preview

2010-03-04T14:08:00.000-06:00

Note from Luke: This post was written by Bighead, resident film guru at Common Vents. Check out his other Oscar preview posts using the links below.

[Top 10 Snubs]
[Supporting Actress]
[Supporting Actor]
[Best Actress]

5. Morgan Freeman - Invictus

I know basically as much information about Nelson Mandela as Chris Rock tells in his jokes, so my knowledge is kind of limited. He spent 27 years in a South African prison. He was beaten, he was tortured, and he got divorced from his wife after six months. That's basically all I knew before seeing Invictus.

But here's the problem. Biopics need to give their subject material at least a few decades before a movie can be made about them. Let's look at some recent successful biopics. Both Walk the Line and Ray had subject material from the 1950s. Milk's plot unwound in the 1970s. The events depicted in Invictus took place in the early and mid 1990s. That's not nearly enough time between actual events and theatrical events. Strike 1.

The whole point of finding actors to play bio roles is that the actual people (Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Harvey Milk) are either dead or too old to play the part. But Freeman played Nelson Mandela in Invictus while the actual Nelson Mandela could have easily played the same role. That takes away from Freeman's credibility right off the bat. Strike 2.

Also, Morgan Freeman IS Ellis Redding. All of his other characters are wannabes. So, hearing Morgan Freeman do a perfectly respectable Mandela impression was not enjoyable. During the whole movie I was saying to myself, "why is Red talking all funny?" Strike 3.

It seems like a great idea to cast one of the best actors of this generation as one of the most famous political leaders of our time, but that's exactly what takes away from the performance.

4. Colin Firth - A Single Man

I didn't get A Single Man. What I mean by that is I don't understand the accolades it's getting.

The movie is about a man struggling to keep living life and find meaning in it after the death of his longtime partner. If you were bored by that sentence, you're going to be bored by the movie. It's a 90 minute long snoozefest.

Still, Firth performed well. In particular, two scenes in the film were fantastic, which was enough to elevate Firth over Morgan Freeman in my book.

Wow, I'm boring myself by writing this. Let's move on.

3. Jeff Bridges - Crazy Heart

Most people will be mad at me for putting Bridges in the middle of the pack.

He'll most likely win come March 7th and I have no problem with that. It will be nice to finally not have to mention the words "The Dude" and "underrated" in the same sentence. He was fantastic in Crazy Heart. He sang and played guitar like he was a veteran musician. His chemistry with Maggie Gyllenhaal was phenomenal. Still, if I had a vote for Best Actor, Bridges wouldn't get it. Here's why.

I went into Crazy Heart with very high expectations, and when the movie itself didn't fully live up to those expectations, his spot on my list fell. I know my judgment of an individual's performance shouldn't be linked to how much I liked the movie, or what I intially expected, but I can't help it. Sometimes I do that.

It's like having a bologna sandwich for dinner, only it has a juicy piece of steak in the center. That one bite of steak should be delicious, but it's not, because it's surrounded by the bologna sandwich. And I'm not saying Crazy Heart is a bologna sandwich to Jeff Bridges' steak (Crazy Heart is actually a good movie), but you get what I'm saying.

2. Jeremy Renner - The Hurt Locker

If you haven't seen The Hurt Locker, stop everything you're doing and see it right now. If you have seen it, you know that the movie kicks ass and Jeremy Renner kicks ass in it. If you don't agree with me, you're wrong. That's right, your opinion is wrong. I'm watching it again right now. It's probably my 25th time watching it. It's that good.

There was a point in the movie where I kind of thought that Jeremy Renner was not an actor, but an actual bomb technician in Iraq. You believe he knows what he's doing. You believe he needs war just as much as war needs him. You believe that even though some of his tactics are not "by the book," he cares about his men. Before this movie, I knew Jeremy Renner as the bad guy in S.W.A.T and that's about it. Something tells me I won't be forgetting his name any time soon.

I'm assuming all of you were up at 7:30 on February 2nd watching Anne Hathaway announce the nominations. I mean, why wouldn't you be?? And if you were lucky enough to be watching the Today Show, Jeremy Renner's reaction was priceless. He was so happy that his performance got recognized. It was impossible not to be anything but happy for him. When I saw his reaction, I smiled, laughed and clapped for him. And I was by myself, literally cheering for no one to hear. I'm pretty cool.

I just tracked down that video. Enjoy.

I had Jeremy Renner in the #1 spot about 10 minutes ago. Let's just call this position 1-A.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

1. George Clooney - Up In the Air

In the first half of the movie, Clooney plays a witty, smooth talking playboy who only cares about numero uno. Then his character completely changes, and he pulls off both sides to perfection. And there are very few actors that can pull off a comedic character in a drama as well as Clooney can. However, some may view this performance as effortless, which hurts Clooney's overall chances to bring home Oscar.

I really, really wish that he didn't win the Best Supporting Oscar four years ago for Syriana. I'm convinced that if he didn't, he would be winning this year.

That may sound confusing. Clooney isn't winning this year? Isn't he in my #1 spot? Yes, but my rankings go by who deserves it most, not who's going to win. I'm fairly certain Jeff Bridges is taking home Best Actor this year.

It breaks my heart a little when somebody wins an Oscar for a piece of work that isn't their best. Seriously, I cry. A lot. When Martin Scorsese finally won for The Departed in 2007, it was great that he finally won, but it's probably his third or fourth best film. Very bittersweet. That's how I feel about Clooney's performance in Up In the Air. I'm pretty sure he gave a career performance, but he'll win Best Actor for a future role that's not nearly as memorable as this one.

The Oscars are March 7th, THIS SUNDAY! Until then read my other previews, and look for the Best Picture preview tomorrow.

Creeps, Casimir Pulaski and Controversial Islam Leaders

2010-03-01T15:35:00.002-06:00

Happy Monday, everyone. To all my unemployed peeps, you have the greatest life ever. Enjoy it while you can. Let's get right to the random.

#1: The Drive-By Creep

The Jess and I did some errand-running on Saturday. After dropping off a package at FedEx, we were walking back to the car when a guy drove past us, spotted The Jess and held his glance for a good three seconds as he drove by. Now, I can completely understand this. The Jess is a good-looking lady. And to all you feminists: Yes, this could very well be objectification at its finest and downright creepy as well, but from a guy's perspective, this behavior is understandable. So I'm not going to knock this mystery creep's behavior. I will, however, knock his technique.

Dear Idiot who creeped on The Jess,

You were wearing dark sunglasses on Saturday. It might have been the most overcast day in the history of everything. You obviously didn't need sunglasses to ensure you drove safely. Thus, I must conclude that you were wearing dark sunglasses because of the other benefit: Creeping on chicks.

Good work, Dr. Douche! You've realized that you're able to creep on women without them knowing thanks to the glance-clouding power of your knockoff Oakleys. One thing you forgot, though: In order to keep a low profile, it's important that you DON'T TURN YOUR HEAD. I mean, shit. Your double take was so emphatic I'm surprised you didn't give yourself whiplash.

So, to you and all other wannabe sunglasses creepers: Only move the direction of your glance when you creep. Do not turn your head or you will be busted.

#2: The Greatest Pole

The first Monday every March marks Casimir Pulaski Day. We all know about his heroics in the American Revolution, but the real question is still unanswered: WHERE IS PULASKI BURIED?

According to several witnesses, Pulaski was buried at sea. *WARNING* POLISH JOKE IMMINENT.

Three men drowned digging his grave. Ohhhhhhhh SNAP!

But a grave site was recently examined on a Savannah plantation, where it was alleged Pulaski was buried. Then, after an EIGHT YEAR INVESTIGATION, the results were inconclusive.

Gah! Eight years of looking at a corpse and you still can't tell who it is? Who was running that operation? He spent two presidential terms examining a corpse, and because of that, he gets to answer the question "Was that really Pulaski?" with a resounding "DURRRRRR, I dunno!" What a waste of time.

That'd be the worst episode of Bones EVER.

#3: Farrakhan and Flying Saucers

Nation of Islam leader Minister Louis Farrakhan predicted yesterday that America will face its own imminent disaster and must prepare. This prediction comes on the heels of the Haiti and Chile earthquakes.

Farrakhan has been called a racist and anti-Semitic more than once. I don't know about all that. However, I'm fairly certain that using a premonition about an ascension into a flying saucer to predict future events is slightly iffy.

From Chicago Breaking News:

"Farrakhan described a spiritual experience in 1981 in which he ascended into a flying saucer and heard the voice of Elijah Muhammad predicting historical events that did come to pass."

This is how I imagine things playing out:

FARRAKHAN: I had a vision aboard a flying object in the sky! I now know that bad things will happen! And also good things! Basically, big events will sometimes occur!

Berlin Wall falls

FARRAKHAN: I totally called it!

The Coolest Pucking Blog Post Ever UPDATE

2010-02-22T20:34:00.004-06:00

Someone needs to run out to CVS and get me some ice, because I've got the hockey fever. Last weekend, a bunch of Crystal Lake peeps drove out to the Des Moines area to visit Daniel, Son of Bardin. There were many highlights in the all-too-short weekend, and one of them was when four of us played NHL 10 online against pretenders.

As if that dynamite video game weren't enough, last night Team USA gave the heavily favored Canadians a 5-3 glass bottom boat ride. Given the recent run of great hockey, both real and digital, it's safe to say that I'm currently loving hockey more than any other sport.

So to mark the occasion, here are a few videos that make you wish you knew how to fire a slapshot or check someone into the boards. Or at the very least, how to ice skate without wiping out.

These are all incredible plays, but I think my favorite might be #4. In his three seasons with the New York Rangers, Marek Malik scored 6 goals. Total. Yet he pulled out that unreal move for a shootout goal and even made the water bottle atop the net dance a little jig. Where in the world did that come from?

Scott Stevens is on here a number of times. You just did not put your head down when he was on the ice. I remember watching his hit on Paul Kariya (the #2 hit in the video) live with my brother. There's a part that this video doesn't show that I've always remembered.

Kariya was knocked unconscious for a few seconds. After the hit and before the trainers got to him, the camera zoomed in on his face. Eyes closed, body not moving. Kariya looked like he was dead. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he gasped so hard that it fogged up his visor. Then he got up, brushed himself off and kept playing. Hockey players are badasses.

And to cap off the best pucking blog post of all time, here's the great Randy Moller, play-by-play guy for the Florida Panthers. Get ready for the best goal calls you'll ever hear.

*UPDATE* Here's the extended video of that Stevens hit on Kariya. You can see him wake from unconsciousness, come back from the locker room and light the lamp with a screaming slapper later in the game. Paul Kariya is a man. Thanks to Bighead for finding the video.

My Favorite Live Music Video Ever

2010-02-19T14:13:00.003-06:00

Because NBC is a bunch of jags with its SNL content, hurry up and watch this video before it gets taken down. Rolling Stone editor David Fricke admitted he screwed up when he excluded Pearl Jam guitarists Mike McCready and Stone Gossard from the magazine's Top 100 Guitarists of All Time list. This video shows you why.

Pearl Jam - Alive @ SNL
Uploaded by Olpio. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

Ho-lee Shnikes. I've seen this video close to a hundred times and I still can't get enough. This is Pearl Jam in the early 90s, rocking harder than any other performer that I've seen on SNL. Thoughts:

The SNL crowd is beyond stoked to hear these guys. The host (is that Sharon Stone?) can barely introduce the band with all the screaming.
Eddie Vedder's voice is lights out. It sounds just like it does on Ten, the album Alive is on. Almost 20 years later, playing 3 hour show after 3 hour show, Vedder is still singing. Unreal. My voice would be destroyed at that point.
Stone Gossard's guitar intro to Alive is legendary. Nuff said.
Jeff Ament and the drummer (I think it's Dave Abbruzzese but I'm not sure) have a solid rapport going throughout the performance. The bass player and the drummer hold the rhythm and you can tell they were on the same page.
Up until the 3:30 mark, the guitarist on the left, Mike McCready, just kind of hangs out, making you wonder if his axe is even plugged in or if he's there just for show. Then his solo starts. And holy shit, ladies. This is how you play rock guitar. Some guys can fly along the fret board, others can really make their guitar sing with a beautiful solo that still fits the foundation of the song, but not very many can do both. Mike McCready can do both. Whenever I watch this video, I have to rewind to the start of the solo at least once. It's perfect.

Are there any bands out there that have emerged in the last 5 years that can rock like this? If so, please post their name in the comments section. I'd love to hear them. I missed out on the grunge era as it was happening and I've been trying to make up for that fact for a while now. You see, Pearl Jam exploded at roughly the same time the Bulls' dynasty did, but I was 8 years old and sweatpants-clad, oblivious to the history being made around me. CRIMINY!!

Best Actress: 2010 Oscar Preview

2010-02-19T12:56:00.004-06:00

5. Gabourey Sidibe - Precious

As I've mentioned before, everybody is loving Precious except for me so this nomination was pretty much guaranteed for Gabourey Sidibe. (SPOILER ALERT) She plays the overweight, illiterate teen who is pregnant with her father's second child and the punchline of the movie is that she has AIDS. I don't know what a good performance is in that type of plot line.

Did I feel bad for her? Yes. Was it difficult to watch? Yes. Did I like it when people such as her teacher were actually nice to her? Of course. But I'm pretty sure I would have felt the same way if a broom played the part. I'm not saying that because Sidibe is a horrible actress. She's not. But the content just made her performance seem secondary.

Personally, I wouldn't have given her the nod for Best Actress, but her road to the Oscars has been a nice story and I hope she has a blast on the red carpet. But that's likely the most she's going to get.

4. Helen Mirren - The Last Station

The Last Station was the movie I knew the least about going into the Oscar buzz, but I really enjoyed the film. One of the main reasons was Helen Mirren.

She plays Sofya Tolstoy, the wife of War and Peace author Leo Tolstoy (Christopher Plummer, nominated for Best Supporting Actor) and complements his mundane approach to perfection. Somehow she was able hate him more than anything in her life while still being completely in love with him.

This is Mirren's fourth nomination (she won the Best Actress Oscar three years ago for The Queen), so obviously, she can act. But Best Actress is probably the most competitive acting category this year so she's won't be a two-time winner in 2010. She was great in The Last Station, but this year there's a better British performance and also a better veteran actress performance, so Helen is out.

Side note: She's really hot for 64.

3. Carey Mulligan - An Education

The next three names on my list have been swapped back and forth so many times that I've lost count. I had Carey Mulligan bringing home Oscar the entire week before I wrote this, and I'm glad she's getting all of the recognition, but I'm sad to say I copped out by playing the "she'll get her chance later in life" card. I'm mad at myself. But if I had to pick one person that I would most enjoy seeing Oscar with when the night is over, it'd be her.

Shia LaBeouf is a lucky man. I'm pretty sure if any British woman showed any interest in me whatsoever, I'd marry her on the spot. I just get mesmerized for some reason. I may need professional help to stop this feeling. I'll run down the list of British women who could have complete control over me if they wanted:

Carey Mulligan
Rachel Weisz
Kristin Scott Thomas
Kate Beckinsale
Emily Blunt
Kate Winslet
Helena Bonham Carter

The list is way, way longer but we need to move on.

Mulligan is one of the hot new things in Hollywood and her performance in An Education has been getting very worthy hype since it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in Utah last year. And although she was indeed amazing in it, any awards she is given should have an "Assisted by Peter Sarsgaard" sign on it. To see why, keep your eyes peeled for my Best Picture preview.

2. Meryl Streep - Julie & Julia

Julie & Julia was boring, predictable and altogether stupid...and then Meryl Streep came on screen. She's the best.

The memories I have of Julia Child are watching her on TV and barely moving while I stayed home sick from elementary school. She would kind of just stand there and make comments while some more mobile cook actually did the work. However, that was her in the later part of her life so let's just say I was pleasantly surprised at Streep's energy and charisma while she cooked, ate, and talked... and talked...and talked. When she and Stanley Tucci were on screen I had a smile on my face that wouldn't go away. Even though she may very well walk away with her third Oscar, I copped out again by playing the "she's had her statue. give it to somebody else" card. I'm mad at myself again.

FUN FACT ALERT: This is Meryl Streep's 16th Oscar nomination. Let me put this accomplishment in perspective for you. Including their nominations for this year, the nine other women nominated for Oscars in 2010 (Best Supporting Actress, Best Actress) have 14 combined career nominations, which happens to be TWO LESS THAN MERYL STREEP. Between nine people. Three of the best male actors of all time, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington and Robert DeNiro, have 16 combined nominations, tying Meryl. Oh, and this is her third nomination in the last four years, so she's not really showing signs of slowing down. She's pretty good at what she does. And because she's really down to earth and totally badass, she'd be the first to say that she also has the most losses in history.

Watch Streep in Doubt (in which she got a nomination for last year) and then watch her in Julie & Julia and see the very noticeable range she has.

1. Sandra Bullock - The Blind Side

I really want the Oscar and Razzie for Best/Worst Actress to go to the same person this year. Sandra is nominated for each.

The Blind Side by Michael Lewis was a book that had Michael Oher as its protagonist. I don't know if the movie script was originally written as it turned out on screen, but the film did not center on Michael Oher. It was about Leigh Anne Tuohy saving Michael Oher, and Sandra Bullock owned the screen the whole time. Something that I initially figured would be, at best, a nice, feel-good summer movie now has its lead actress as the front-runner for this year's Oscars.

Bullock and Streep have swapped every award this year (they even tied at the Critics' Choice Awards with a very memorable lip lock to seal the deal) and this one is still up in the air. I'm just picturing most Academy members who are on the fence saying "Meryl Streep has two Oscars. She gets nominated every year so we'll probably give her another chance next year anyway. She doesn't need it. Sandra Bullock may never be nominated again." So my guess is that we'll hear: "And the Oscar goes too...Sandra Bullock!"

She is known for making C-minus romantic comedies, so to see her take control and capture a real life character so well was a breath of fresh air, and she deserves the Oscar for her surprising, uplifting performance.

The Oscars are March 7th, but until then, watch for more of my previews. Peace.

3 Things To Get You Through Hump Day

2010-02-17T12:58:00.002-06:00

I got just five hours of sleep last night thanks to an super-intense Modern Warfare 2 sesh with Chrome-Dog. He actually came over to the apartment to play. How did The Jess react, you ask? Well, she made barbeque chicken wings and sweet potato fries and only made fun of us once the entire night, when we were having an active debate regarding whether to equip our ACR with FMJ or a grenade launcher. And trust me, things were WAY nerdier than that at times. Excellent restraint by The Jess.

On top of that, she knew I didn't get much sleep last night, so waiting for me when I got to work was an email from her with an array of content like lolcats, a picture of a monkey dressed as a cowboy while riding a dog, and an assortment of Arrested Development and 30 Rock quotes. A lot of people know me pretty well, but no one knows me like my Jess.

So to pay it forward, here are some things to help get you through your hump day.

1. Know Your Meme

First, thanks to @acegrl for introducing me to KYM.

This is my new favorite site, and it's absolutely insane how much fun you can have on here. Before I go into it any further, here's a lesson: the word 'meme' rhymes with 'cream.' Do not pronounce it 'may-may' or 'me-me,' or else you'll sound like a big, fat reed. I may or may not have thought it was pronounced may-may before I googled it. Don't make the same mistake.

KYM says its goal is "Documenting Internet phenomena: viral videos, image macros, catchphrases, web celebs and more." It tracks the origin and eventual explosion of these Internet phenomena, and also provides examples, typically submitted by readers. Some of my favorite memes:

Nic Cage as Everyone: Takes the actor's face and throws it on pictures, like the one above. That Nic Cage photo also fits the "Argument is Invalid" meme.
Ramirez! Do Everything! My personal favorite meme so far thanks to my MW2 addiction. During the game's Campaign mode, Sergeant Foley routinely yells at Ramirez to perform various tasks to complete missions. Foley never calls out anyone but Ramirez. Thus, 'Ramirez! Do Everything!' was born. My personal favorite variations include 'Ramirez! Throw Your Knife at the AC130!' 'Ramirez! Divide By Zero!' and 'Ramirez! Help Me Beat New Super Mario Bros Wii! It's Too Hard!'
Crasher Squirrel: A fuzzy little guy who can't help being a dick by ruining photos.
Sewer Horse: He's always watching.
Grammar Nazi: Here's the one that fits me the best. Whenever someone has a typo in their text, I feel compelled to point it out. Ironically, the people correcting idiots and their horrendous grammar are usually the ones who are ostracized by the rest of the group. But as the chart below shows, the Internet community generally likes bringing up Nazis to try to put an end to a lengthy online discussion, be they Grammar, White Supremacist, or Soup.

2. Pink at the Grammys

Thanks to Bighead for telling me about this vid. Most of it is just Pink showcasing her highly underrated vocals and doing a visual transition from virginal nun to streetwalking whore, but there's a definite OH SNAP! moment at the end of the video. Pink is kind of a badass.

Side note: Someone told me the Grammys are on television every year, but I quickly set him straight, telling him the Grammys occur once every 4 years, like the World Cup and Barack Obama.

3. An lolcats compilation

I know it's wrong, but I love me some lolcats. I can't help it. Thanks to The Jess for the inspiration on this one. Happy hump day, peeps. Have fun with Know Your Meme.

Update: This is too fantastic not to share.

Brahs of the Month: STD and T-Star

2010-02-16T11:00:00.004-06:00

In the inaugural edition of Brah of the Month, we're starting off with a double dip. I went to high school with T-Star and STD. I graduated a year before them and we were relatively tight at Crystal Lake South, home of the Gators, but until last week I hadn't seen either of them in years. And last week they completely bailed me out, as you'll soon read. Before we bring back Preston and Shane to emcee, let's get some background info on the nicknames of my February 5th heroes.

T-Star
This one is straightforward. Her first name starts with a T and she always wanted to be a star. Done and done.

STD
This is slightly more complicated. In 8th grade, little STD was playing a board game with her 8th grade friends. She and another girl had S.D. as their initials, so to differentiate between the two, the first girl was referred to as Sa.D. (the a being the 2nd letter of her first name) and St.D. for her. The girls burst out laughing, and a nickname that lasted longer than a presidential term was born.

I can relate to this. When I was in 7th grade, one William Grant Benson lay the first ever nose joke upon me. The other people in the room exploded in laughter, and at that point it was all over. It's a strange feeling to know that an event just occurred that changed everything, and you were powerless to stop it.

It's so heartbreaking, especially considering the amount of work put in throughout middle school to avoid embarrassment. More effort is put forth on this front than on actually doing schoolwork. Pants are belted extra tightly. The latest clothing brands are purchased and worn every day. Erections are concealed with tactical strategies the United States' military would be proud of.

But that's not enough. Even after doing all that work, Fate rushes in with a flying kick to the balls (or a flying punch to the boob). When a new nickname is bestowed upon you without your consent, there's nothing you can do. You can't get pissed. You can't laugh it off. You can't ignore it. All you can do is recognize these turning-point events in life and think to yourself, "Well, I'm boned."

Eventually, you can laugh at these nicknames and even embrace them, as STD and Nosehead have by now. But that doesn't change the fact that middle school is a big, fat shit pile.

Preston and Shane: Howzit, brah?

Luke: Oh, hey guys. I didn't even get to introduce you.

Preston: Well, we thought we'd jump in without your permission. I mean, you were being such a candy-ass BITCH. Am I right?

Shane: Oh, TOTALLY, brah! "Boo hoo, middle school was so hard! I was so awkward and I couldn't control my boners!" Let me tell you something, brah: I OWNED middle school. I rocked pre-algebra, ran track and played basketball, I had a natural 6-pack and I must have been pretty good at baseball too because I totally rounded 3rd base with Kelly Piatkowski. UP TOP!

Preston and Shane high five. Luke watches them, and he must admit, their form is commendable.

Preston: Anyway, who are T-Star and STD?

Luke: The Brahs of the Month. They bailed me out a couple Fridays ago.

Preston: Bailed you out? Dude, did you get in a fight? OMG YOU TOTALLY GOT IN A FIGHT! The brahs are rubbing off on you!

Luke: Please try not to say that sentence ever again.

Shane: Is it true? Did you finally ditch the Tampax and throw a punch?

Luke: Your language is offensive. And no, I didn't. I actually organized a get together at a bar in Chicago, and T-Star and STD were the only two who showed up.

Preston and Shane exchange looks of disbelief before laughing so hard they fall to the floor, convulsing. Also, their hands appear to be rubbing each other's crotches, which is kind of awkward. Brahs will be brahs.

Shane: Are you serious? Two people?

Luke: Two people.

Preston: Wait. Two?

Luke: Two. Let's meet them.

T-Star

Shane: Wait, who's this now?

Luke: That's T-Star. She's in accounting.

Preston: HA! Nice. Up top!

Luke: I'm actually not kidding. She's in accounting.

Shane: WHAT?? Are you serious, brah? When I look at this chick, I do NOT think accounting. But she definitely works with money, if you catch my drift.

Luke: Lovely.

Preston: The Prestonator is looking for love, brah! What's T-Star's story? Is she single?

Luke: No. Her boyfriend is a great dancer and wears outlandish clothing.

Shane: So he's gay. Or he's hung like a mule.

Preston: Hopefully both! HAHAHAHA!!

Dead silence. Preston was a little too hopeful when he said that. Wow, this is awkward.

Preston: Dude, what's with that other chick in the picture? Think she's had enough to drink?

Shane: That's my kind of girl, right there!

Luke: What do you mean? Blacked out and vulnerable?

Shane: Indubitably.

Luke: Moving on.

STD

Preston and Shane: GIRL NEXT DOOR!

The two brahs look at each other excitedly and shout "Jinx five!" They find a vending machine and high five each other continuously until they've bought a coke for each other. It's very impressive. This is obviously not the first time they've had a jinx five.

Luke: Let me get this straight. Because one girl has blond hair you decide she's a lady of the night, and the dark haired one is the girl next door?

Preston: Yes. That's fair. Anyway, who's this one?

Luke: This is STD. She works in marketing. Or advertising. Or both. I don't know, I had a lot to drink at this point.

Preston: Me likey. What's her story? She's single, right? This one's gotta be single.

Luke: Sorry, slugger. She has a boyfriend as well. He sounds like a cool dude, too. He's a writer and a history buff, and he also plays bass in a band.

Shane: Oh no, watch out, Preston! You can't compete with this bass player! I mean, come on, brah. Bass? GTFO with that.

Luke: Actually, the bass player is a crucial part of a band. He brings rhythm and stability to the ensemble and is a great musical foundation. Your stance is a common one among people with horrible musical taste.

Shane: Watch it, brah! I have great musical taste.

Luke: Yeah? Name your three favorite bands.

Shane: Breaking Benjamin, Nickelback and Three Days Grace.

Luke: Lawyered.

Best Supporting Actor: 2010 Oscar Preview

2010-02-12T10:32:00.000-06:00

Note from Luke: This post was written by Bighead, resident film guru at Common Vents. Check out his other Oscar preview posts using the links below.

[Top 10 Snubs]
[Supporting Actress]

And here we go. From worst-to-first, here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actor. It should be noted that this order doesn't necessarily reflect who I think will win. It reflects who I think most deserves the Oscar.

5. Matt Damon - Invictus

I may have mentioned this already, but it's worth repeating: Invictus was not good. Unfortunately for Matt Damon, that makes me dislike his performance more than I normally would. So I've gone over it many times trying to find the positives that I didn't notice the first time through. I guess I found a few...

Damon plays South African rugby player Francois Pienaar, so that meant he had to a.) get his body jacked up and b.) rock the very noticeable South African accent, and he did both perfectly adequately. And playing opposite Morgan Freeman's portrayal of Nelson Mandela gave him some good exchanges. But the movie was unnecessarily boring so I didn't care much.

You can blame Clint Eastwood's questionable direction for your spot on my list, Matt.

4. Stanley Tucci - The Lovely Bones

I'm really glad I saw Stanley Tucci in Julie & Julia right after I saw him in The Lovely Bones. If I hadn't I'm pretty sure I'd hate him for the rest of my life.

Certain characters in cinematic lore are so offputting and creepy that you can actually hate that actor forever because of his performance (i.e. Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator). Usually it's something you're unaware of, but a when a talented actor meets an extremely evil character, the repercussions can be catastrophic.

Tucci was no different. He makes your skin crawl at the sight of him. His hair. His voice. His mustache. It all comes together into the psychotic character that is George Harvey. This unsettling feeling that you get with these characters usually means the actor did a good job, and Tucci was no different. He completely killed it (no pun intended).

3. Woody Harrelson - The Messenger

The Messenger centers around two soldiers who are stationed in the United States. Their sole job is to inform Next of Kin (NOK) that a family member has died in the war in Iraq. I give credit to Alessandro Camon and and Oren Moverman (the film's screenwriters) for showing something that I previously viewed as a tragic, but simple, process and breaking it down for my ignorant mind. The men who must break the worst news imaginable to complete strangers have a job as horrifying as any other soldier in the military. There are rules you follow. There are procedures that you cannot break. You have to hope for the worst reactions, and pray for the best (if there really is a "good" reaction).

Harrelson then brings the character together showing discipline, care and sympathy. He walks a fine line as well, for too much of any one of those elements could make the already terrible situation worse. I can't imagine doing this job for the military, but it looked and sounded like Harrelson had been doing it for years.

Side note: he's near the top of my list for Actor of 2009. He had two great roles last year, both in The Messenger and in Zombieland, which he owned.

2. Christopher Plummer - The Last Station

There's a certain swagger that some grizzled actors get when they're in their later years. And by "later years" I don't mean over 50 years old. I'm talking about the veterans that were around in the silent film era. I don't know if Plummer is senile and he actually believes he IS the characters he plays, but Captain Von Trapp can do no wrong at this point in his acting career. Everything he does seems to be as genuine as any documentary.

Plummer plays Leo Tolstoy in the last months of his life, when the decision of whether to give his inheritance to his family or to the Russian public was in question. Seeing him and Hellen Mirren banter back and forth was a pure joy to watch. Which leads me to why I love and hate the politics of the Academy...

If the Academy put Plummer in the running for Best Actor, that means he misses a nomination by a long shot. So I love that he finally got the recognition he deserves. However, saying that he is a supporting character while Hellen Mirren is a lead character is just plain stupid. If you take Plummer out of the equation, the movie suffers as much, if not more, than if you take Mirren out.

Most people don't have Plummer high on their lists, but the 80-year-old deserved to have his name finally in contention, and I'd pick him to win if not for the next guy on this list.

1. Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Basterds

In all of this year's Oscars, you won't find a bigger lock than this.

Right after watching Inglourious Basterds, I found myself thinking "why did I LIKE that Nazi? Is there something wrong with me?" I thought about that for a good twenty minutes, and it turns out that when I went through the movie in my head I remembered that he was a psychotic killer who deserved much more than just a swastika carved into his head. There is no reason on Earth that any normal American should respect or like anything resembling a Nazi, but Christoph Waltz had me going for a second.

He spoke three languages in the film (German, French and English), and he speaks each language so smoothly and confidently that you begin to believe what he's saying. Waltz could have gone into this role as a crazed Nazi soldier who yells, swears, looks dominant and kills anything in sight, but instead he made his character well-mannered and subtle, one who views his job in the Nazi army as just that: a job. Because of that, viewers find themselves strangely accepting of him. Both Quentin Tarantino and Christoph Waltz have been stressing the fact that "good people aren't always good, and evil people aren't always evil" and it showed in the character.

The only beef I have is that with an ensemble cast like Inglourious Basterds, everyone is a supporting actor even though they can all be seen as lead actors. If Waltz is a supporting actor in this movie, then I don't know who you would call the lead. But the ensemble cast is typical of Tarantino, so it's not really much of a gripe.

For the third year in a row, four of the five men nominated for Best Supporting Actor don't need to show up. If you can name the Best Supporting Actors from the past two years without Googling it, well done.

The Oscars are March 7th. Until then, watch for more of my previews. Peace.

One final note: Mom, do not watch Inglorious Basterds. Ever, ever, ever. No.

Why I'm Switching to Old Spice

2010-02-10T11:32:00.000-06:00

My cell phone alarm is a total dick. It never says to itself, "Wow, Luke looks really comfortable today. You know what? I'll give him a few extra minutes of sleep. What harm could it do?"

Instead, it sends me brain waves that wake me up 10 minutes before the alarm is set to go off. When that happens, I just lay in bed and hate my life until it goes off. Waking up a few minutes before your alarm is not pleasant.

Obviously, I'm not a morning person. Whenever I wake up for work I have a serious battle with myself for 10 or 15 seconds about whether or not I'm quitting my job so I can get more sleep. And I LOVE my job. I'm just trying to explain what mornings are like for me, so you can appreciate the miracle performed by this commercial.

This ad snapped me out of my zombie-like state and actually made me crack up just 15 minutes after I got out of bed. I laughed harder at this than I did during any Super Bowl ad. I even rewound the DVR and watched it a second time. This is a miraculous feat, and I shall reward Old Spice by switching back to their body wash. As Old Spice itself says on the YouTube video description, "We're not saying this body wash will make your man smell into a romantic millionaire jet fighter pilot, but we are insinuating it. "

Sold. Despite the puzzling use of the word 'into,' a thousand times sold.

Other Items:
Thanks to @wottenhoff for introducing me to a couple great sites yesterday. Just click on the images to transport yourself to the respective web sites. Happy Hump Day.

2010 Oscar Preview: Best Supporting Actress

2010-02-08T16:51:00.004-06:00

Note from Luke: This post was written by Bighead, resident film guru at Common Vents. You can read his post on the Top 10 Oscar Snubs here.

Let's get right to it. From worst-to-first, here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress. It should be noted that this order doesn't necessarily reflect who I think will win. It reflects who I think most deserves the Oscar.

5. Penelope Cruz - Nine

I don't want to put Penelope Cruz's Oscar chances at 0%, but I might as well for two reasons. 1) She won Best Supporting Actress last year, and 2) She starred in one of the biggest cinematic disappointments of the year.

Before I saw Nine, I noticed there were 7 Oscar wins and 19 total nominations amongst the cast. Inexplicably, the best casting choice in Nine is Fergie. That should tell you what a disappointment the film is. Fergie did exactly what I was expecting her to do. She sang, danced and looked hot. Perfect casting! I don't want to hear Daniel Day-Lewis sing. I don't want to hear Dame Judi Dench sing. I don't want to hear Penelope Cruz sing. I want to see them act because, get this: they are all actors.

Saying Penelope Cruz was one of the top five supporting actress performances this year is just dumb. And how Marion Cotillard got snubbed (I saw Nine after I made my "Snubbed" list) I'll never know. Cotillard can act AND sing. She belongs in musicals moreso than Penelope Cruz, and she definitely deserved a supporting actress nod above Cruz.

Side note: I really hope Marion performs "Take It All" come Oscar Night. HOT.

4. Vera Farmiga - Up In the Air

Up In the Air was one of my favorite movies of the year and one of the reasons was the banter between George Clooney and Vera Farmiga. She played the powerful CEO/modern woman to perfection and although I probably should have hated her at the end of the movie...I didn't. Very few people, if any, could have played this role as well as she did.

Unfortunately, she's going to be overlooked by the Academy because of somebody else on this list.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Crazy Heart

I either really love Maggie Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko, Stranger Than Fiction) or really hate her (Mona Lisa Smile, The Dark Knight) so I was as up in the air as George Clooney when it came to her performance in Crazy Heart. I mean, did you SEE her in The Dark Knight? She was even worse than Bale's Batman voice. Watching the scene between Heath Ledger and Maggie when he crashes the party was like watching Michael Jordan vs. Craig Ehlo. Technically they're doing the same thing, but one's just so much better than the other.

But her performance in Crazy Heart was different, and kind of confusing. I think the easiest thing for me to do is break it down in the movie's chronological order.

Maggie as a reporter: Boring
Bad Blake creeping on Maggie: Awkward
Maggie making out with Bad Blake: Creepy
Maggie with her kid: Realistic
Maggie when her child is missing: Heart-wrenching
Maggie mad at Bad: Amazingly powerful

The more I think about it, the more I loved her in this movie. And although I was questioning it at first, this is an extremely well-deserved nomination...but Oscar's not for her this year.

2. Mo'Nique - Precious (Based on the blah blah blah...)

Let's get this out of the way: Mo'Nique is going to win Best Supporting Actress. I know it. Everybody else knows it. But she shouldn't. Everybody is loving Precious: Based On the Novel Push by Sapphire and the Title keeps on Going For No Reason and It Never Fits on the Marquee but I'm not. I liked the last scene she was in and that was it.

The rest of her performance is just her being a bitch, and I don't consider that to be difficult or extraordinary acting. But Mo'Nique has won every award there is, and she will win the Oscar. Any Academy members who were on the fence were most likely swayed in her direction when she gave her speech at the Golden Globes. It was a pretty f-ing awesome speech.

1. Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air

This is the best supporting performance of the year, male or female. I'm saying that right now. In this role, Kendrick is powerful, yet unsure of herself. Serious, yet funny. Awkward, yet sexy. Unfortunately, there are three things preventing Anna Kendrick from taking home Oscar:

She's splitting votes with Vera Farmiga.
Mo'Nique is very smooth and has the aforementioned momentum.
Anna Kendrick also stars in the Twilight series, lessening her credibility.

Fortunately for Anna, when the Academy chooses to be kooky with their votes, it's usually for supporting categories so I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

The Oscars are March 7th, but until then, get ready to read more of my previews. Peace.

The Facebook Double Dip

2010-02-08T14:39:00.004-06:00

Everything's Coming up Milhouse!

Just days after being contacted by one Baron Boronski (proof), I find this ad in my Facebook sidebar. And this is NOT an ad that changes its text to fit the profile of the person looking at it. If it simply said "Hey! 26-year-old! Want an iPad?" I'd be all "Pfffff. Whatever, Facebook." But they're looking for a 26-year-old who's also male AND happens to live in Illinois. This ad so eerily fits my life that these can't all be mere coincidences.

This is destiny.

I was planning on buying the absurdly overpriced, obese iPod Touch that's coming soon with my own money. I was going to fund the purchase with some chump change from the millions that are likely coming my way thanks to my new partnership with The Baron. But now, thanks to this new iPad testing gig, it appears I can spend my millions elsewhere. Things just keep going my way!

Facebook 101: How To Murder An Otherwise Great Status Update

Gah.

If this commenter and Buzz Killington somehow conceived, the resulting offspring would be capable of sucking more fun out of the room than anyone who has ever lived. A tip for said commenter: Before you lecture, do some research. Since you have a Facebook profile, I'm assuming you've heard of Google (they're the company that makes commercials which reduce 26-year-old males from Illinois to tears). The status you commented on is a quote, from one "Liz Lemon." Go ahead and Google her. Hmmm...it appears as though Liz Lemon is a fictional character in NBC's 30 Rock.

Therefore, it's astronomically likely that the status you're reading is not how this person actually feels, but it's someone else's words that are being rebroadcast in an effort to brighten the gloom of Monday morning. The proper reaction here is to laugh contentedly to oneself and wonder "Oh, Liz Lemon. Will you EVER find a man?" The improper reaction is to whiff like Dave Kingman and commence the lecturing.

When Baron Boronski's Business Takes Off, I'm In on the Ground Floor, Baby!

2010-02-04T11:33:00.002-06:00

The morning tradition around these parts is to wake up, refuse coffee, drive into work on I90 while fighting off sleep with an abundance of Muse and/or Weezy, park the car at the office and sit at my desk to go over any emails I missed. Usually there are a couple pieces of junk in there. Most of them are pretty underwhelming. Until now.

I just got a personal letter from one Baron Boronski (possibly pictured at right), who happens to be letting me in on the ground floor of a very special project. Below is what the Baron sent to me. Prepare to be jealous.

From: Baron Boronkski (aaa@w77qdo5jx.homepage.t-online.de)
Subject: A proposal which will benefit both of us
Importance level: !!

"PLEASE CONTACT ME ON baronboronski@aol.com

I am Baron Boronski .I have a legitimate business proposal for
you.Email me at baronboronski@aol.com for more details.

My Regards,
Baron Boronski."

Needless to say, I sent the Baron five emails in 20-minute increments to let him know I was interested in his business proposal. For those of you who are worried that 1) His use of punctuation is rather odd, 2) His email address is not an AOL one, but a very spammy looking one, and 3) He doesn't actually say what his business proposal is, well, you simpletons just don't know how these things work.

The guy's name is Baron Boronski, folks. BARON. BORONSKI. Can a name GET any more badass? With a name like that, it doesn't matter what business he's got in mind. The product sells itself! I'm ready to invest in anything, whether it's a shitty frozen pizza company or a puzzlingly obsolete fighter pilot academy whose students are trained to shoot down WWI flying aces and/or sassy beagles.

The baron obviously needs my help, or he wouldn't have flagged the email with a double-exclamation mark importance level. Sometimes those of us with servants' hearts are rewarded. Oftentimes it's intangible rewards, but rarely the reward can come in the form of monetary compensation.

Once I'm independently wealthy I'll reward the rest of you who have servants' hearts by making you my maids and butlers. THANK YOU, BARON BORONSKI!

The Top 10 Oscar Snubs

2010-02-03T13:57:00.030-06:00

Note from Luke: This post was written by Bighead, resident movie guru at Common Vents. Be on the lookout for more of his Oscar previews in the next month.

#10: Capitalism: A Love Story (Best Documentary)

I haven't seen any of the documentaries up for an Oscar this year (and I won't). This means I haven't seen Capitalism: A Love Story, but it's making the list just because a snubbed Michael Moore is the best kind of Michael Moore. I'm really glad I won't have to hear him talk about how much America sucks.

Surprisingly, the most enjoyable project Michael Moore has been involved with was in Team America, a film he did not direct, but merely fake-acted in. Fake Moore played a dangerously obese suicide bomber who detonated in the middle of Team America HQ, triggering (pun!) a series of events that climaxed (remix!) when Spottswoode forced Gary into an act of extreme loyalty.

#9: Invictus/Clint Eastwood (Best Picture/Best Director)

The Academy loves Clint Eastwood and everything that he makes. Add that fact to the decision to expand the Best Picture category to 10 films, and you get an obligatory Best Picture nod for Invictus, right? Well, apparently not.

Before the nominations were announced I put Invictus at the bottom of my Best Picture nominees. Eastwood completely blew it by somehow making this amazing story with two amazing actors amazingly boring. I know Clint doesn't like to do a lot of takes, but it was like he put this high budget movie together in about a week. This snub is completely deserved and I applaud the academy for choosing The Blind Side as its sports movie of the year.

#8: "Stu's Song" The Hangover (Best Original Song)

All of Ed Helms' campaigning wasn't enough to get it into contention. I would've loved to see the orchestra perform it at the classy Academy Awards like 2000's "Blame Canada" for South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

I love me some Ed Helms. He was a standout on The Daily Show and he's a standout in The Office and The Hangover. Just look at that picture. Glorious.

#7: Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber (500) Days of Summer (Best Original Screenplay)

Have you seen this movie yet? I haven't talked to one person who didn't enjoy (500) Days. The movie is a flat-out delight, and it's mostly thanks to the superbly crafted love story. It was completely clever and completely original, so much so that the only reason for its snubbing that I can come up with is the brutally hipster parentheses in the title. Yes, (500) Days, we get it. You're an Indie flick. Do you know how hard parentheses are to type? It's completely inefficient, and even worse, the parentheses don't seem to serve a purpose. This is why you were snubbed.

Regardless, this is a fantastic movie. But even if it DID get a nomination, it had no chance against the likes of Tarantino, the Coens and Pixar.

#6: Star Trek (Best Picture)

Ever since The Dark Knight, movie makers are starting to understand what it takes to make a quality superhero/sci-fi movie. Star Trek was no exception. It injected life into a stale franchise and introduced us to the Next Generation (someone stop me!) of movie stars, including one Zoe Saldana, whom we may see later in this list.

Unfortunately, J.J. Abrams had to release Star Trek in 2009, the year of District 9 and, of course, Avatar. All this does is reinforce my theory that adults named J.J. are big, fat idiots. Let's be frank here, people. Star Trek was great, but three sci-fi Best Picture nominations just was not gonna happen. Abrams will have to be content with the mere $385M Star Trek has grossed worldwide.

#5: Emily Blunt The Young Victoria (Best Actress)

She was dynamite in this film, but I'm actually glad that another portrayal of a Queen of England isn't in the mix (they seem to happen every year). Blunt will get her Oscar soon enough. Just wait. She's my "Pick to Click" for the next couple of years.

Some of you may know that Emily Blunt is engaged to John Krasinski of The Office. And while I'm here, let me just say that The Office has BLOWN lately. The big mistake? Putting Jim and Pam together, of course. Where's the drama? There is none, because they're in a happy marriage. BAH, I say! Come on, NBC! Give The Office some life again! Divorce Jim and Pam! Put Jim with the NEW receptionist and create a feud between him and Andy! Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that? EVERYONE WOULD WATCH THAT.

#4: Ben Foster The Messenger (Best Actor)

Jeremy Renner got a nod for his portrayal in The Hurt Locker by playing a bomb squad soldier in the middle of the war in Iraq, and it would've been nice to see Ben Foster get credit for showing what a soldier serving at home has to go through. His performance was better than both Morgan Freeman and Colin Firth, but one "rising star" in the mix is good enough for the Academy.

Which is complete garbage, of course. I don't understand these legacy nominations. Morgan Freeman is a talented actor, yes. But there's one important detail: Invictus was not a good movie. Not in the least. In fact, it was a huge letdown. So why not reward an actor who'd actually appreciate the nomination? Freeman's been through this before. Come on, Academy. Stop rewarding biopic roles and give nominations to people who deserve it.

#3: The Hangover (Best Picture)

I thought The Hangover's Golden Globe win was going to be enough to put the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time into contention. It would've been a better "complete" list for the average fan if it took the place of A Serious Man.

It looks as though, even with the expansion to 10 Best Picture nominees, well-made comedies are still going to be overlooked. Making a memorable, quotable and hilarious film is not at all easy, and people who are able to pull it off need to start receiving some recognition come awards time. Maybe when Best Picture expands to 20 nominees they'll finally have justice.

#2: Tobey Maguire Brothers (Best Supporting Actor)

He got nominated for Best Actor at the Golden Globes, but if you put him in the Best Supporting category (where he actually belongs), he's the only man who comes close to taking the Oscar away from Christoph Waltz. Instead, he doesn't even get nominated.

For proof of why this is such a travesty, just watch the last five minutes of Brothers. I was afraid Tobey would jump out of the screen and kill me. In all honesty, I was hoping Natalie Portman would be able to make him happy at the end so I wouldn't have nightmares about him. Never thought Peter Parker, aka Emo Spiderman, could make me feel that way.

#1: Zoe Saldana Avatar (Best Actress)

I keep hearing Zoe doesn't deserve a nomination because Avatar is all special effects. Absolutely incorrect. She had me convinced that she ACTUALLY WAS a member of the Na'vi. And it wasn't the effects, but the raw emotion. If you need proof about Saldana's performance, take a look at Sigourney Weaver. When she was in her Avatar body, fully immersed in the special effects, did you believe she was actually Na'vi? No, you didn't.

Zoe Saldana was essentially wearing super high-tech makeup. More than any other character in Avatar, she convinced me that Pandora was a real place. She needs to be given credit for being the best actor in the highest grossing film of all time.

So that does it. Although these are my "Snubs of the Year" and I've bitched about the Academy from time to time, they really couldn't have gotten it much better. It's a great mix of classic Academy voting and "mainstream" movies that will appeal to all moviegoers.

The Oscars are March 7th, but until then, be on the lookout for more of my previews. Peace.

4 reasons why the Kindle is a better eReader than the iPad

2010-02-01T16:45:00.004-06:00

We've all thought it: "Wow, this book sure is wonderful. I only wish I could turn it sideways and read it landscape style!" Thankfully, Apple unveiled the iPad last week. When the #1 reason to buy it is "It's undeniably cool," (proof) it's safe to say the device has issues:

The top-of-the-line model will run you more than $800, not to mention the $130 3G premium fee and the $30/month it will cost you to use the service. On top of that, we have the lack of multitasking, no camera, an intangible keyboard and mystery surrounding what the iPad will do to the already stretched AT&T 3G coverage. Smaller issues basically start and end with the lack of Flash. Big deal for some, not so much for others. But I digress.

What I really want to talk about is the notion that the iPad is a revolutionary eReader that will destroy Amazon's Kindle. As a Kindle owner, I find myself feeling like a parent whose child is being picked on. I need to defend the ones I love.

This is not a new feeling for me. I've long been on the outside, looking in when it comes to Apple products. I own an antiquated iPod (it plays video!) and I use a Mac at work (I hate it. It's slow on its best day and it downright crawls when I have multiple applications running, particularly iWork). That's the extent of my Appledom.

This lack of Apple fandom means some of you have already tuned me out, which is fine. You were going to get the iPad anyway, and nothing I could say will stop you. But for those of you on the fence, intrigued by the iPad's capabilities as an eReader, I have a list for you to take a gander at.

1. Battery Life

Word on the street is the iPad can give you 10 hours of life when fully charged. This sounds impressive until you consider the Kindle runs for two weeks when not connected to its (free) 3G coverage and one week if connected.

iPad: 10 hours max.
Kindle: 336 hours max.

Smokeshow.

2. Is color really worth it?

The iPad monitor looks fantastic, doesn't it? Take a look at iBooks, the app that will launch with the iPad. The virtual bookshelf is simply stunning! But then what? Words on the page will still be in black, jutting out against the white background. Nothing new there.

But wait, color and a bigger screen means a wider variety of reading material! Like cookbooks! Yes, but you know what's on every cookbook ever sold? Specks of food. Stains. Discolorations. Will you be willing to stain your beloved iPad like you would a normal cookbook? No. You'll clean your hands constantly, delaying the cooking process. This will cause you to prepare the meal ineffectively, and your already-angry spouse will divorce you for caring more about your iPad than nurturing your own loved ones. Divorce is imminent. Spouse will take half the iPad. Hope it was worth it.

3. Simplicity can be a good thing

Our attention spans are decreasing. I don't have any actual proof to link to, but I'm pretty sure that while bunnies are cute, their disregard for floral arrangements and a home's landscaping make them disposable.

See what I mean? I couldn't even hold my train of thought for an entire sentence. My point is that the Kindle does one thing, and it does it exceptionally well. Reading on it is much like reading an actual book. It's a quiet experience, free of distractions.

Mark my words: when reading books on the iPad you'll constantly encounter trigger words. For example, you might be reading Cujo. He's a big guy, huh? Then you'll wonder how big the average St. Bernard is. Ok, you're gonna head over to the Web real quick and check it out. Wow! They weigh over 200 pounds! Hey, remember Beethoven? Great movie! Boy, you sure loved that one as a kid. Know who's a completely underrated actor? Charles Grodin. Wonder what else he's been in? Go ahead and check on IMDB. It'll only take a second...

And before you know it, you've put Midnight Run in your Netflix queue and you've completely lost your reading flow.

4. iPad screen is undeniably slick, undeniably bad for reading

Ever done a day's reading on a computer monitor? Of course you have. Do you feel good afterwards? Of course you don't.

One of the greatest features of the Kindle is its e-ink. It's incredibly easy on the eyes. The lack of backlighting makes it easily readable in sunlight and outdoors, which is nice, but how gentle it is on the eyes is the real draw.

The iPad is backlit, just like the other Apple devices. It may give brain-melting migraines after prolonged exposure, but at least you can read a cookbook in total darkness! That won't be horribly depressing at ALL!

The last word:

In the end, Apple will likely win out, as it typically does. The iPad could possibly destroy Kindle and the rest of the eReaders as we know them. But this victory would be because of the strength of its brand, its loyal following and the public's love of new, undeniably cool all-in-one devices. It would not be because of its strength as an eReader.

If you're after an eReader above all else, consider the Kindle over the iPad. It's cheaper, the battery life is astounding, it has free 3G coverage and is a pure reading experience in an electronic form.

YouTube Mouth-Breathers Look for iPad Info, Get Duped by The Onion

2010-01-28T14:09:00.003-06:00

I'm back. iPad.

2010-01-28T00:07:00.012-06:00

Note from Luke: This post was written by Apple junkie "Downtown" Dan

Dammit, Steve Jobs.

You were this close to setting my credit card afire once again. But the iPad, while really sweet, is missing some key components. Don't worry, Steve. A couple easy fixes/upgrades before the end of March and you've got me for another $600. Promise-Thomas.

I am an Apple Fanboy. I will readily admit it. I have an Apple laptop, iPhone, Apple earbuds, several generation of the iPod and a naked picture of Bea Arthur.

When I saw the iPad in all its shiny glory, I geeked out.

My first impression was an iPhone & Laptop Screen had a Megan Fox of a tech baby. Sleek, pretty, and drool-inducing. And hot......oooo.....sleek....um.....pretty..... What was I talking about? ....right. iPad.

(To show my gender bipartisanship, here's a picture for the ladies. Good? Moving on.)

THE BAD NEWS:

1. Lack of FLASH! What's Adobe Flash? It's what makes video happen and heavy graphic load properly in most browsers.

For example:

See? Not only was my point made, but a chuckle was induced. Why? Because of Flash. This post's rambling would have forced you back to Perez Hilton without the use of Flash. Now I have you for a few more paragraphs....Thanks, Flash!

2. And what about Multitasking? Right now I've got a browser open, iTunes playing, my calendar open and an illegal torrent downloading. I'm able to flip to each instantly, without waiting for a program to load each time. iPhone users who've ever wanted to pop out of an App to check something in Safari know what I'm talking about.

3. There's no camera, we don't know how AT&T is going to handle the spike in 3G traffic or the fact that App Store apps work, but look wonky from footage. But I digress.

THE GOOD NEWS:

1. Apple developed their very own silicone 1 gigahertz processor for this bad boy. (That's like putting a 350hp engine into a Honda Civic. Vroom.) It will cruise, no lagging, no waiting.

2. The cost could be much worse. It starts at $500 and tops off at $800. Considering the Kindle DX (awesome device, but in for a world of hurt) runs $489, who wouldn't pay a little more for all the extras the iPad has to offer? This including color reading for not only books, but magazines and newspapers.

3. Movies will be SICK on this device. 10" LED will pop. Movies will become more intimate. I'm a fan of putting on my headphones and watching movies on my laptop. There's a sense of immersion you don't get in theaters or on a TV. This device will be perfect for that effect.

4. Email will be a cinch and photo albums will be fun to look through (even if you're not one of those self-obsessed folks that have 3,000 pictures on Facebook).

5. Open coding will allow for iPad specific apps that I'm sure developers are already salivating over building ($$$$$$$$$$). If the App Store is any sense of what developers can create, watch out. Granting those developers a faster processor with more ability....who knows what kinds of games, utilities, etc, can come from this.

THE VERDICT: (for now)

Until I get FLASH and MULTITASKING, it is a no-go for me. It can't be the best internet experience ever if I don't have all the internet.

With those added, this will the end-all, be-all of portable entertainment and connectivity. You can read a book, cruise the interwebs (read Common Vents!!!), play a game, watch a movie, herd sheep, and listen to music, email, look at photos......get the point?

That's it, Reader. Now go away.

Is Your Name Dan Bardin? Check Yes or No. If Yes, Kill Self.

2010-01-27T16:22:00.002-06:00

A Vision of John Mayer and the Worst Commercial Ever

2010-01-27T16:09:00.001-06:00

Strap yourself in; I'm about to tell you about a dream I had a couple nights ago! On a boredom level of one-to-coma, studies have shown only reading an article about the launch of a tactical nuke in Modern Warfare 2 or about the best fastball hitters MLB has to offer are more brutal than hearing about someone else's dream. Since I've already covered the nuke and the fastballs, let's complete the trifecta. Tell you what. To make it more interesting, I'll compose the events of the dream in script format.

INT. RECORD STORE - SAN DIEGO, CA - TIME OF DAY UNKNOWN

A thriving record store in San Diego (think High Fidelity with palm trees). A popular trendy band plays overhead. I dunno...let's say Animal Collective. Strong scent of ganj. This crowd enjoys puffing the purp.

John Mayer browses the store's musical selection with everyone else. Luke seems to be the only patron aware who this man is. It's John Mayer, people! I mean, his newest album kind of blows, but still, he's a celebrity! And he's kind of fixed his ugly guitar solo face over the last few years. Sort of.

Luke decides he must somehow impress John Mayer and earn his friendship.

It is suddenly apparent that John Mayer is compiling several mix CDs at the front desk. We went from the musician browsing the music selection in one second to burning discs of his own the next (dreams are horrible with segways).

Luke must have one of these CDs.

Mayer launches Track 1 on a newly completed cd.

Luke
(in an absurd hippie voice)
Great tuuuuune, mannnnnn!

John Mayer
(stares, confused, for a short while)
Yup.

Luke has thoroughly embarrassed himself in front of an arguably not terrible bluesy-pop musician. He's not even stoned, so where did that hippie voice come from? Regardless, it's time for redemption.

I Shall Return just happens to be one of Luke's favorite Gov't Mule songs (what are the odds??) He starts singing the words to the tune, pretty loudly, and not very well. Also, he's playing air guitar. In an effort to earn the friendship of John Mayer.

Details are suddenly getting hazy. The view of the record store fades to black.

At 6:30 am, a half hour before my alarm would go off, I awoke from this really stupid dream. I rose from my bed, stumbling and moaning like a zombie, into the living room and turned on ESPN. Commercials. Oh look, Michael Phelps is swimming. That's fitting.

Wait. What is going on?

THE WORST COMMERCIAL EVER

Nice suit, guy at the 0:07 mark. Maybe THIS sale will reconcile your failed marriage!
0:11 - Whoa! Nice acting by you two! You're definitely not looking at a green screen.
I know Subway needs to compete against the burger crowd, but they've gone too far with their national endorsement of Michael Phelps' dairy cow abuse.
I've had enough of Jared. "See you there?" See you where? Vancouver? Is Jared competing in the Winter Olympics? Does Vancouver even HAVE Subway franchises? If not, Jared can't go there. He'll starve.
Michael Phelps can swim through concrete if he eats his Subway like a good little stoner. Try it for yourself, kids! Instead of doing that underwater somersault thing to turn around, swim through the freaking wall!
I'm not a fanatical Olympics follower, but isn't swimming a summer sport? And isn't Vancouver hosting the Winter Olympics? Can someone please explain to me why Michael Phelps is in a Subway ad, swimming through a cornfield on his way to Vancouver?

This concludes my summary of the most confusing morning ever.

Shh-KINK! Blades...of Steel!

2010-01-26T14:39:00.003-06:00

Remember what life was like at 6 years old? I lived in Palatine, IL. The address was 1350 Joyce and the phone number was 708-934-1407, back before the 847 area code existed. I can remember that but I can't remember what I had for dinner two nights ago. Sweet consistency, brain.

Anyway, I have two vivid memories from around that time: Tee Ball and rockin the cutting edge video games on the NES.

Tee Ball was glorious. In an effort to forget my infamous pants-pooping debacle in preschool just a year before, I dove headlong into sports and wound up pooping once again, this time all over the competition in the Palatine North Little League. We were the Detroit Tigers (not really) and won the championship that year over the Milwaukee Brewers (who might have been the actual Milwaukee Brewers, that part's a little hazy). I don't remember the exact events of the championship, but I remember a girl on the team and I remember bubble gum. I'm not sure how the two are related. Did she give me bubble gum? Did she take away my bubble gum? Did her parents own Bubble Yum? We'll never know.

But I digress. This blog post is actually about the old school classic Blades of Steel. Sure, it may be a drag to play now, and everyone knows Tecmo Super Bowl is the far superior NES sports title, but tell me that you don't hear the theme music during the pregame skate-around and get transported to a simpler time. I DARE you to tell me that. You can't. The instant that song hits, memories of 1989 suddenly pop up all over the place. Just look at the absurdly-long previous paragraph. Blades of Steel's music did that to me.

The Blackhawks faceoff against Edmonton tonight. Hearing that on the radio driving into work made me think of Blades, and I immediately started humming the skate-around tune in between Tourette's-fueled bursts of the following:

FACE OFF!
TAKE THE PASS!
TAKETHETAKETHE TAKE THE PASS!
FIGHT!
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

In honor of the frozen classic and Blackhawks/Oilers, here's a dynamite video of Blades of Steel in action. The real show happens in the first 30 seconds when you're hit with the soundtrack, but if you actually stick around for the gameplay you'll be able to hear the capslocked statements above from the badass announcer. Technically the video shows Chicago vs. New York and not Chicago vs. Edmonton, but it's just as well. Edmonton's jerseys in Blades of Steel have such an abundance of lemon and lime that they look like the gay Minnesota Northstars. (proof)

Enjoy.

Brett Favre Closes Seasons Like Mitch Williams

2010-01-26T12:33:00.007-06:00

Say what you want about America's most polarizing 40-year-old, purple-clad quarterback, but Brett Favre can flat-out close seasons. After his ill-advised interception late in the fourth quarter of Sunday's NFC Championship in New Orleans, Bretty has now finished his last three seasons by throwing an interception.

It's true! Deadspin has provided video footage of the events! (hilarious proof)

The below screen cap of a comment in the Deadspin article sums it up:

[BREAKING: Brett Favre Has Boo-Boos, Is Sad]

Derrick Rose Hates Slovenia

2010-01-25T16:40:00.001-06:00

It's really the only conclusion I can make after seeing the Bulls' point guard's cruel treatment of Suns' guard (of Slovenian descent) Goran Dragic. Hall Trane first alerted me of the dunk during an intense CoD sesh and he already posted this video on Yummy Bro (proof) but it's too good not to share. You will likely yell OH NO! when you see the flush, then re-watch the video 80 times.

Thoughts:

Both Rose and Dragic are listed at 6'3" and 190 lbs. The difference is that Dragic is Slovenian and Rose is from the Chi. Advantage: Windy City.
The body bump Dragic gives him immediately after the dunk combined with Rose slightly pulling his legs up makes it look as though he's still elevating even after the flush.
Dragic got posterized in the worst way because he showed some hustle. You gotta feel for the kid. Meanwhile...
Jared Dudley showed about as much effort as I show on the treadmill. When the video starts up he's the one in the headband at the top of the court, beyond the three point line. He really gives it his all to run back and play defense. It's a 6 point game with 6 minutes to play, idiot. Next time, don't get stoned until AFTER the game. I officially hate Jared Dudley.
Watch the Bulls fan standing up in the bottom-left corner at the 10-second mark. By now he's shown his family and friends the video countless times and told them he willed Rose higher. Way to go, obnoxious fan cheering for the road team. It was all you.
Everything about the dunk is so smooth. The fact that Rose got fouled only adds to its greatness. I especially enjoy the downward fist pump he gives during the landing. It kicks so much ass, I just went blind.
Not sure who he is, but there's a guy on the Suns' bench who is halfway toward standing up and applauding the jam when he remembers he's a professional athlete whose teammate just got shit on.

BREAKING: Brett Favre Has Boo-Boos, Is Sad

2010-01-25T10:58:00.002-06:00

Playing in the Sandbox

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images via ESPN

"Hey u guys watch how hard I can punch the ground lulz"

Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images via ESPN

"Too much jambalaya, imma shit my pants. 64 knows what I'm talkin about!"

Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images via ESPN

"This is my warrior pose. Deanna says old people should do yoga."

Ronald Martinez/Getty Images via ESPN

"that is totes not the warrior pose omfg he is soooooo dumb you guys"

Via KSK

"BOOM! HEADSHOT!"

Via KSK

This may not be clear from the photos, but I genuinely felt bad for Brett Favre when his last pass attempt was an interception for his second straight postseason. Some of the images of him after said pick are downright heartbreaking (proof). The man knew that a vast majority of the country was still holding a grudge against him for taking so long to decide whether or not to play this year. We waited the entire season for him to show his age or blow a game with his legendary gunslinger mentality, but he responded by playing some of the best football of his career. Until his final pass.

Undoubtedly he'll see film of the play and notice the open field available to him. He could have scrambled for 10, maybe 15 yards, setting up a Ryan Longwell chipshot similar to the 40-yarder that won the game in overtime. But Brett Favre doesn't scramble. He fires passes, sometimes ill-advised, with a God-given cannon arm. His last pass was a crucial mistake, and he absolutely knew it and appeared to be completely heartbroken. I really felt for him last night.

So why publish this post? Well, I know what three months of inane sports coverage tastes like. Is Favre coming back? Is he staying retired? To add to this gray-area topic, let's show video of Favre throwing passes in a cutoff t-shirt to high schoolers in Mississippi!! This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Brett Favre may or may not be coming back!

No thanks. This post serves as a preemptive strike against another three months of waffling for breakfast.

My personal favorite picture is #4 (Favre's number! What a coincidence!), the one with Favre's hands on his head, eyes wide, thinking "I've made a huge mistake." Got a sweet caption for one of the photos? Which image is your favorite? Post that shizzy in the comments section.

Puke Launches Tactical Nuke

2010-01-22T15:35:00.003-06:00

Looks like my years of schooling finally paid off! I launched my first tactical nuke on Wednesday, January 20th at roughly 6:30 pm CST. You might have felt the rumble. What exactly is a tactical nuke, you ask? Let's consult Wiki:

"In the video game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 the player can utilize a Tactical Nuke as a killstreak reward in the game's online multiplayer mode. Once the player has achieved 25 kills without dying, he/she may call in a tactical nuke to be dropped near the battlefield, resulting in a premature ending of the game and an automatic victory for whichever team the device was detonated by. When it is detonated, all the players in the match will witness a 10 second countdown next to a radioactive symbol on their screen. When the countdown reaches zero, time seems to slow down slightly, a bright white light overwhelms the screen and all of the players of the match, including the caller, instantly die, concluding the game."

It is arguably the single greatest individual achievement in Modern Warfare 2. You might say I launched the perfect tactical nuke (more on that later). For now, let's take a look at the specs it took to get it done.

Map: Invasion (pictured above)
Mode: Team Deathmatch Express
Witnesses: My brother and his Illinois State homies
Gun: SCAR-H w/ Grenade Launcher attachment (specs)
Perk 1: Scavenger
Perk 2: Stopping Power
Perk 3: Ninja
Killstreak Rewards: Harrier (7 kills), Chopper gunner (11 kills) Tactical Nuke (25 kills)

Analysis: You might say I launched a perfect tactical nuke. You see, you can launch a tactical nuke as long as you have 25 straight kills without dying. It doesn't matter when you get them. In other words, if you get smoked 4 straight times, then go on a 25-kill rampage, you can still launch the nuke.

I did not die until the nuke was dropped, ending the game. I finished with 31 kills and 1 death (caused by the nuke). The perfect game. BOOM! HEADSHOT!

Some of you may be wondering how exactly I got this done. Was I playing with a bunch of reeds? Well, maybe. To start off, let me explain where I camped.

Yes, I camped. If you can launch a nuke without camping, you're more of a man than me. Take a look at that map again. My favorite place to be in Invasion is the building on the east side marked "Loft." I stay inside, never veering into the open ledge (the ledge is almost always instant death). Being inside the loft gives me a great view of the westward path between the video store/coffee shop and the boutique/cafe, leading all the way to the bathroom. I can also look north thanks to a window in the loft. It's a dynamite spot.

Setting a claymore by the stairway entrance means reeds will venture into the loft and find a bomb waiting to say hello and give them a nice helping of FACE ASPLODE. And this is where the Scavenger perk comes in handy. Head on over to the recently asploded enemy, pick up another claymore and repeat. If your enemies are idiots, they'll just keep running up the stairs and into the room with guns blazing, thinking this Rambo technique will keep their shit from exploding violently.

And let me tell you, my opponents during my nuke streak were dumb as rocks whose moms drank excessively during their rock pregnancies. No fewer than five reeds got themselves a heaping helping of claymore pie and some came back for seconds. Three of them blew up within 30 seconds at one point. Morons.

My harrier jet killed about 3 enemies and the chopper gunner killed another 8. By the time the gunner was done, I had 19 kills. People kept running into my claymores and my SCAR-H rattled off the final few kills. When I had 24, kill number 25 nearly iced me, which would have resulted in me taking my sledgehammered PS3 into a repair shop. Luckily, I won the final stand off and launched the bomb.

My brother and his bros were playing with me online in the Bloomington-Normal area, and they were so excited by what they saw that I'm fairly certain they organized a sudden impromptu circle jerk to commemorate the occasion.

To the ladies out there and the guys who are feminine enough to stay away from first person shooters, I apologize for the severe nerdity of this post. I promise, I will never write in-depth about MW2 again. Until my next tactical nuke.

PS3 Handle: LukeOutBelow - track me down

Your Happy Friday Accidental Poop Joke

2010-01-08T16:46:00.002-06:00

Below is an IM conversation at the end of a Friday at work. And no, we do not have an HR department.

Twitter Tip of the Day: How To Get Yourself Blocked

2010-01-07T16:09:00.004-06:00

For you Twitter noobs out there, there are some basic things you need to learn. Such as:

You're 60% less cool than you think you are because 60% of your followers are porn accounts.

One who describes himself as a "self preceived genious" (proof) is likely neither perceptive nor a genius.

9 people who list their location as Chicago see themselves as "marketing gurus." (proof) This means they know how to take advantage of a mass-follow website such as Buzzum or LocaFollow.

Way too many people describe themselves as a social media enthusiasts in their Twitter profiles. This level of redundancy is roughly equivalent to a guy with a gun pointed at you saying "I have a gun in my hand."

Watch out for those who are conceited about their abilities and constantly give off a nasty stench of superiority. These people absolutely and indubitably blow goats.

This final point is one of the things that infuriates me most about Twitter. I didn't fully realize it until today, but my #1 qualm with the site is how exceedingly polite it is. For those of you who are new to this Common Vents, I blog as a way to vent my frustrations. It's very therapeutic for me. If you aren't a fan of my incessant whining, you can take yourself over to I Love Kittens. (proof)

Leave it to Twitter to turn something as volatile and unpoliced as the Internet into a hand-holding, Kumbaya-crooning guitar circle. But I've got news for you: the syrupy politeness isn't helping anything. We think it is; we think we're making the world a better place one Tweet at a time, but it's just smoke and mirrors. We're simply creating an environment for smug superiority.

To the left is an example. This person, who we'll call BobHyundai for anonymity's sake, describes himself as "The genius behind" his blog. Bob describes himself as a genius. And he's not kidding. Strike 1.

The link he passed along was written yesterday, and he's already shared it multiple times. Tremendous amounts of overkill. Strike 2.

It sounds as if Bob's promoting one of his friend's blog posts, which is admirable. But if you looked deeper, you'd find that Bob actually guest posted on his friend's blog, and that link is to something that he wrote on her blog. He's misleading his followers into reading something by him while making it look like he's simply being a loyal friend. What a great guy. When I first read this tweet, my computer monitor got so fogged up with smug that I had to stop and wipe it down. Strike 3.

Hey doucherocket, 1) You're not a genius. You have a blog. The end. Get over yourself. 2) I read the post yesterday. Stop pimping the same thing over and over. You talked about your finacé for 1,500 words. Riveting stuff. 3) You're damn right I'm missing the discussion. I did that voluntarily. After seeing 20 comments alternating between "my significant other doesn't have an active online social life and we're very happy" and "we both have active online social lives and we're very happy," there was no more to be said. You geniuses covered all of it! Implying that I'm "missing out" on a life-altering discussion is completely passive-aggressive and a downright lie. That passive-aggressiveness should be a fun quirk for your fiancé to deal with. I hope someone gifts her a pair of earmuffs at the wedding.

So, BobHyundai, you're the first legitimate blogger that I've blocked on Twitter. Congratulations. You've joined the ranks of porn accounts and marketing spammers. And for those of you who think I've been too hard on poor Bob, I just have one thing to say:

23 degrees tomorrow. Possibly a foot of snow. Two words: GOLF WEATHER.

2010-01-06T16:24:00.000-06:00

Well, the next few days are going to be intense for Chicagoans (if weatherpersons are actually to be believed. HA! Weatherman joke. I'm totally opening with that in my stand-up act). There's 7 to 9 inches of snow expected tomorrow and up to a foot in some places. (proof)

Thankfully, we have the Internet and wonderful sites like weather.com that offer tips for dealing with the crazy snowfall. Check out that forecast to the left. One to two inches expected tonight, 4 to 6 tomorrow. That sure is a whole lot of accumulation. I'm not used to dealing with that kind of volume. Can I get some tips? Maybe on safe snow driving? Or how to pack the perfect snowball? What do you have for me, weather.com?

"Stay warm on the links?" For real?

Nice work, weather.com! It just so happens I'm ditching work tomorrow and heading to Mundelein to play the shit out of Pine Meadow. Thanks for the relevant suggestion. I can't wait to wear my long underwear under my turtleneck under my thin sweater under my windbreaker (as your wardrobe tip suggests). This keeps you warm without sacrificing swing quality, you see. What a wonderfully relevant golf tip!

And I'll be sure to stow my golf balls indoors before my round instead of in the freezing garage, because golf balls retain their zip for roughly 10 hours before they're adversely affected by the weather. THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, SKILLING!

Hey, here's a thought. If it's 23 degrees out and snowing 12 inches? Don't golf. Be miserable like the rest of us. Don't have fun in the snow. Fun leads to sex which leads to unwanted pregnancies. It's science.

Please don't have golf sex in 12 inches of snow tomorrow. You'll probably get pregnant.

The #1 Reason Why Winter Blows and Other Holiday Observations

2009-12-30T10:15:00.003-06:00

What do you hate most about winter? For me, this is an easy one.

It's 7 in the morning. The sun may or may not be rising; there's too much cloud cover to tell. You forgot to start the car in advance because you're a big, fat Reed and so you head from your warm, comfortable home to your icicle of a ride.

The blast of cold is like a punch to the stomach. It hits you immediately. You groan like the pathetic little girl that you are, curse your life, and for whatever reason you continue to march toward your car. You unlock the door, open it, and lower yourself into the front seat.

And that, right there, is the #1 reason winter blows.

You might think entering the car brings some relief. Wrong. The interior of the car is just as cold as it is outside. You can see your breath while you're inside. Even after starting the car, it'll take around 5 minutes for it to start cranking out the heat. This is the worst 5 minutes of the entire day.

And I forgot to mention that the physical act of lowering yourself into the car is a total shitshow. Somehow, during the 30 seconds it took you to walk to your vehicle, your pants have frozen solid. It doesn't matter if you're wearing denim or khaki. And so, as you bend your legs to get into your car, your frozen pants greet your helpless legs in new and horrifying ways. It's a feeling too uncomfortable to accurately describe. It's gotten to the point where I'll hesitate to lower myself into the car. I'd rather be exposed outside in the sub-zero temperatures than bend my legs and get myself into the car.

Let this be a warning to those of you lucky enough to have mild, or perhaps even warm, winters. Do not come up here. For any reason. Oh, you have family in Wisconsin? That's wonderful. Visit them on the 4th. What's that? Grandma is sick up in the Dakotas? Send her an effing eCard. Do not come up here in winter. Ever.

Some other notes:

A hearty congratulations to my coworker, Ashley, who just listed herself as "unsingle" on Facebook. My insider source tells me she's pregnant. And yes, my insider happens to be a Christmas ornament on my desk. What's your point?
I got a Kindle for Christmas. Yes, I'm aware Apple's "iSlate" is arriving soon, but iDontGiveAShit. Thanks, but I'd rather not spend $1,000 on an eReader. But I'm in the minority here. All you Apple zombies will drop whatever you're asked to drop to get your hands on it. You're brainwashed. Seek help.
Entire books download onto the Kindle in seconds. $9.99 is the most expensive that they get, and many classics and new releases are available for free. It's one of the best gifts I've gotten in a while.
When it goes to sleep, the monitor displays various authors or famous passages in literary history. If I've learned nothing else from the Kindle, it's shown me that Virginia Woolf was a monumental hottie. (proof)
And then a biography Woolf published was poorly received, WWII began and her home was destroyed thanks to the effects of the war, and she spiraled into a deep depression. So she filled her coat pockets with rocks, headed into a nearby river and drowned herself. Monumental nutjob.
Russia could launch a spaceship in an effort to alter the path of a possibly-earthbound asteroid. The rock would get here in 2029. This entire thing is way over my head. I'm not sure how much Space Math was involved to deduce that 1) This thing is headed toward earth, and 2) We can actually tell when it's going to arrive, but I'm glad I don't have to do it. Also, this plan is virtually the exact plot of Armageddon, kaboomed by Michael Bay. Micheal Bay is not a director. He is a kaboomer. Does anyone else find it odd that the smartest minds our world has to offer are basically planning to go Armageddon on an asteroid? Is any scientific plan using a fundamental idea from a Michael Bay movie EVER a good idea? This will not end well.
Finally, a book recommendation for you: The Forever War by Dexter Filkins. Don't let the nerdy name fool you; this guy is a badass. He immersed himself into both Iraq and Afgahnistan, sometimes literally running for his life alongside US troops, and other times observing the different and sometimes haunting Arabic customs. He doesn't get preachy, either. He simply writes about what he sees, which makes it much more powerful. If you've been wondering what it was like in those places, this is one to check out.

Happy New Year to all. If you plan on making any New Year's Resolutions, stop right now. It's not going to work. You'll thank me later.

Michael Bay is a Genius

2009-12-29T12:31:00.002-06:00

For Yahoo!'s Top Ten Domestic Grossing Films of 2009, do the clickity click.

Michael Bay is a big, fat idiot. Luckily for him, so is the general moviegoing public. Let's take a look at the films he's directed in his career and how much they've pulled in worldwide.

1995: Bad Boys - $141M

Review: It's all special-effects noise and nonsense.

1996: The Rock - $335M

Consensus: For visceral thrills, it can't be beat. Just don't expect The Rock to engage your brain.

1998: Armageddon - $554M

Review: You know you're in trouble when Deep Impact dwarfs your asteroid movie in terms of emotion and scope.

2001: Pearl Harbor - $450M

Consensus: Pearl Harbor tries to be the Titanic of war movies, but it's just a tedious romance filled with laughably bad dialogue.

2003: Bad Boys II - $273M

Consensus: Two and a half hours of explosions and witless banter.

2005: The Island - $100M

Consensus: A clone of THX 1183, Coma, and Logan's Run, The Island is another loud and bombastic Michael Bay movie where explosions and chases matter more than characters, dialogue, or plot.

2005: The Amityville Horror - $108M

Consensus: A so-so remake of a so-so original.

2007: Transformers - $708M

Consensus: While believable characters are hard to come by in Transformers, the effects are staggering and the action is exhilarating.

2009: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - $833M

Consensus: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a noisy, underplotted, and overlong special effects extravaganza that lacks a human touch.

And there you go. For those of you keeping score, that's one positive consensus (The Rock) out of 9 tries. And for you math wizards out there, Bay's 9 directorial efforts have grossed just over $3.5 billion worldwide.

Three. Point. Five. Billion. More than the GDPs of Zimbabwe, Sierra Leone, Swaziland and Barbados. If Bay is clinically depressed by the lack of recognition from film critics and those of us who aren't mouth breathers, I'd say he can buy himself some pretty effective therapy.

Because one can only bitch and moan about absurdly rich directors who value special effects over plot and character development so long before it gets tiresome, check out classics from Fake Michael Bay on Twitter. It's almost worth creating a Twitter profile just to follow this guy.

What to get her this Christmas

2009-12-23T15:18:00.001-06:00

To the fellas out there: How awful is Christmas shopping? Can I get a harrumph? What's her pants size again? Did I give her jewelry last year? Does she really need a waterproof disposable camera? If you spend too much, you weren't thoughtful enough. If you were too thoughtful, you didn't spend nearly enough. If only there were some miracle gift that perfectly symbolized precisely how much you love your lady while also running you somewhere between $40 and $200, the perfect holiday amount. Well, get ready for a Christmas miracle, because the perfect gift is here!

We've all thought it before, guys! "Boy, I'd sure love to cuddle with her if it didn't make me feel like less of a man!" Introducing the boyfriend arm pillow. And yes, this product actually exists! (proof) While she's enjoying her brand new, not-at-all creepy boyfriend arm pillow, you can:

Guilt trip her for gifting you something far less thoughtful.
Run with your WoW guild as your badass Death Knight. He's a miner AND a jewelcrafter!!
Avoid that irksome emotional attachment.
Go on "business trips" with your "diligent coworkers."
Take flying lessons.
Go to acting school.
Learn to fart musically.
Fight trained panda bears.
Conduct a pooping experiment with the stand up vs. sit down wiping method and decide once and for all which way works best for you.
Finally not be so effing hot and uncomfortable and wonder just how much longer you need to cuddle until you can remove yourself from her death grip and finally cool off.

It's the perfect Christmas gift, bros! When she stares lovingly into your eyes and coos "This is so much better than diamonds," you'll know who to thank. You're welcome.

Thanks, PokerStars!

2009-12-22T18:59:00.000-06:00

I've been playing some solid poker lately, and I've been feeling that I'm on the verge of something big. I entered PokerStars' $10 tournament that guaranteed $20K in the prize pool, meaning the winner would likely get somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,000. While that's not my biggest single-day cash (I'm kind of awesome), it's still a great amount of money, especially considering it costs just 10 bucks to enter.

Spirits were high. I was ready to dominate every European idiot I came across, a tall order indeed. Before I could even scope out the other dead men at my table, I was dealt JJ on the 2nd hand.

I absolutely HATE pocket jacks. They're exceptionally difficult to play. They look beautiful, but in reality there are 3 overcards out there that can easily trump them. The blinds were at 10/20 and I was in early position. Wanting to be careful, I opened with a bet of 64 chips and got 3 callers.

With 3 callers, I was pretty much ready to toss the hand away. It was really early on in the tournament and I didn't want to get into a macho shoving match with someone else at the table and OH HI THERE FULL HOUSE!

The flop came 4 - 4 - J. A monster hand. HUGE. One of the 3 callers threw out a small bet of 60 and scared the other two off. I called. Turn was irrelevant. He bet 60 again. I raised to around 400. He called immediately. River was irrelevant. I bet around 700, and he raised all-in. What an idiot! Thanks for the early boost, amigo! I called immediately. And saw this.

And that, my friends, is a classic PokerStars ass slamming.

This Is My Life

2009-12-22T10:36:00.002-06:00

This is a typical morning at work.

This is a typical afternoon at work.

And It's All Because of This Video

I must have missed something, because most people are convinced this is hilarious. To the creator of this video: thank you for unleashing this slice of madness on my comfy little life. I can only hope justice and irony collaborate in the near future to drive you to insanity and eventually suicide because of the phrase "Hey Apple!"

I'm not being entirely serious, though. I don't wish death upon you; that's downright cruel. However, someone repeatedly kicking you in the balls and rendering you impotent while maniacally screaming HEY APPLE! is something I can definitely get on board with. For the love of humanity, do not reproduce.

Pandora: Totally Realer Than the Moon

2009-12-21T12:43:00.004-06:00

It's official: you need to see Avatar. In 3D and possibly on IMAX. But at the very least, scope Pandora out in 3D. Just how great does this film look? For an explanation, first allow me this tangent.

What is it with the moon? Seems fake, right? It just floats up there beyond our atmosphere, where no life exists. It's totally a prop. I mean, how many people can actually testify to walking on its surface, grabbing some killer Moon rocks, playing golf in zero gravity? 10? 20?

And the Moon isn't a special case. Every orb moving through outer space seems absolutely fake. Here's the hierarchy of how real these giant balls of stuff seem from my perspective.

Before Saturday at 6:15 PM at the Randhurst AMC:
1. Earth (absolutely real)
2. Moon (fake)
3. Sun (fake)
4. Mars (fake) (except for Olympus Mons. Can't make up something that badass)
8. Neptune (a giant ball of gas? WTF does that even mean? Whatever, science. FAKE)
113. Pandora (lol go away you nerds)

After Saturday at 6:15 PM at the Randhurst AMC:
1. Earth (absolutely real)
2. Pandora (might be real)
3. Moon (Ever seen Wag the Dog? Google it. It's a documentary)
4. Sun (Thanks for your "rays," "light-giver." Pffft. You are fake)

Avatar completely immersed and hypnotized me and the Jess for over two and a half hours. It really does seem like a real place, and I kind of want to go there and ride with the Na'vi. Is that bad? If it's not, at the very least I'm a huge nerd and I don't care.

MVP of this film other than Jimmy the Tyrant (proof) had to be Zoe Saldana. She was so convincing as the lead Na'vi chick that I forgot there was an actual human being acting out everything she was doing. Raise your hand if you saw Zoe Saldana emerging as a killer actress. Previous work (aside from Star Trek): Guess Who, Crossroads, Drumline, Center Stage. Woof. That's 8 hours of nightmare fuel right there. Nonetheless, she rocked it in Avatar, and she's part of the reason I'm seeing this baby again in IMAX as soon as I possibly can.

If you've seen this movie, nerd out over it in the comments. If you haven't seen it, refrain from crying nerd until you visit Pandora for yourself.

UPDATE: 2 IMAX tickets for Avatar is actually a dynamite Christmas present, particularly for you ladies out there still looking for one more thing to get your guy. It should run you somewhere between 30 and 40 dollars for 2 tix. Make him buy the popcorn and candy, because what are you, a money printing machine? I don't think so. He's such a prick sometimes. Why did you even get him these tickets? Well, now you're in a horrible mood. You're going to hate the movie, break up with your man and hunt Luke down and kill him for wrecking your relationship. Merry Christmas.

Two Movies Out This Weekend Not Named Avatar

2009-12-17T14:53:00.006-06:00

We all know James Cameron, his large ego and his even larger mean streak (proof) are going to dominate the box office this weekend with Avatar. Much has been written about whether the film will change filmmaking forever or if it will be the first Waterworld of the 21st century. Personally, I'm stoked to meet the Na'vi and am hoping the film succeeds. But that's all I'll write about it here.

Amid the hullaballoo (spell check didn't give that word a red underline, so apparently I spelled it correctly), a couple new films are getting lost. For one, that seems to be a downright shame. For the other, it's probably a good thing. Let's check them out.

Film I Am Absolutely Seeing:

Nobody's talking about this movie. There are a few reasons why. 1) It's technically an indie flick, 2) It's competing with Avatar, and 3) It has the worst title since Cinderella Man. I will forever believe Cinderella Man tanked at the box office because it sounded less like a compelling period piece centered around a man who boxed to keep his family alive and more like an animated Disney movie centered around a transvestite.

Crazy Heart could very well be the title of the next film I'm going to talk about, which is not a good thing. It's not a vomit-inducing RomCom. It's a film that Jeff Bridges (supposedly) acts the shit out of, positioning himself for some awards down the line.

Yes, I'm aware the movie is named after the book, which has the same name. But Hollywood routinely takes creative liberties with source material. So much so that that "based on a true story" means absolutely nothing (proof). You're telling me filmmakers are okay with turning Hurricane Carter (a likely murderer) into Denzel but they can't alter a horrendous title? Is this real life? This makes so little sense that I feel like I'm shrooming. I can think of 7 titles off the top of my head that are better than Crazy Heart.

Yes, Maggie Gyllenhaal Is In It, But Not That Much
Bad Blake Has a Twangy Voice, An Acoustic Guitar and a Drinking Problem
This Film Stars Jeff Bridges
Armond White Called This Film Racist
This Thing Will Be Up For Oscars and You'll Feel Like a Badass When Your Friends Ask If You've Seen It
Jeff Bridges Not Doing It For You, Ladies? How About Some Colin Farrell? No? Well, Sure, We Acknowledge He's a Bit of a Prick, But He Has a Nice Smile, Right? At Least Give Us That.
95% On Rotten Tomatoes

All of those titles unequivocally blow and they're still better than Crazy Heart. Although if a movie were actually called "95% on Rotten Tomatoes" and I knew nothing else about it, I would absolutely throw $20 down to see it. RT is movie gospel.

Side note: Jeff Bridges is shockingly underrated. Seabiscuit should have been complete garbage, but every time he was on screen I smiled like I was wrapped in an electric Snuggie. Iron Man? He made a surprisingly solid villain. Surf's Up? Who else could convince me that an obese penguin was actually a legendary surfer? THE BIG LEBOWSKI? One of the best comedic performances of all time. Crazy Heart is going to be incredible, and you need to see it despite its title. However, stay far, far away from:

Film I Will Never, Ever See

Speaking of awful titles. Woof. Morgans has a solid 7% on Rotten Tomatoes right now, and the lone positive review so far called it "the kind of movie for which cable TV was made." Somehow this is a good thing.

This is a perfect example of why I love that The Jess has a similar taste in movies as me. I can say with 100% certainty that I am never seeing this movie. It's a wonderful feeling. Sorry to the rest of you who see the trailer and get a "That looks so cute!" remark from your little lady.

On the plus side, this movie stars Sarah Jessica Parker! I've said it before and I'll say it again. I gave Sex and the City a shot but I couldn't stand it because of this woman. Not only is she a horrendous actress, but the character she played in the show asked everything of her friends and gave them nothing in return. A textbook bitch.

Do not see this movie. If you're still on the fence, Hugh Grant sums up what it's like to get a nice absorption of Sarah Jessica Parker.

A Collection of Nicknames I've Held (With Analysis!)

2009-12-16T12:03:00.003-06:00

Don't worry, this picture is relevant. Let's get right to it.

The Nickname: Puke

The Cause: My name is Luke, which rhymes with puke. Kids are clever!

The Effect: This lasted for roughly a three year stretch between 3rd and 5th grade, so I honestly don't remember how I took this one. Considering I wore sweatpants every single day in elementary school (I'm not joking) and I also cried on a daily basis (again, not joking), I'll theorize that I didn't exactly cherish being called Puke.

Today, a few people still call me Puke every once in while, most of them being my older cousins. I can dig this. As I've matured, I've come to realize that I'm a badass and the people who call me Puke do it as a way to bond. At least, this is what I tell myself as I sob into my pillow before I go to sleep.

The Nickname: Gayser Beam / Truke Layser

The Cause: I think GB came from Pixar's flick, The Incredibles. There was a dead superhero named Gazer Beam (lol ummmm wut?), and my friends realized Gazer rhymed with my last name, Trayser. Ta-daaa!

As for Truke Layser, that's some simple rearranging of letters in my name. I embraced this one immediately.

The Effect: Both nicknames were founded when I was in college. Gayser Beam didn't last long, but some people still use it sporadically. In fact, a chick at work called me Gayser about an hour ago, which led to the inspiration for this blog post. Thanks, you giant beej full of spooge!

As I said, I embraced Truke Layser immediately, as it was easily one of the most badass nicknames I've ever had. That was my tag on XBox Live, which led to countless illiterate and racist 11 year olds pronouncing the name "Truck" right before I wrecked their shit in Halo.

The Nickname: Big Smooth

The Cause: Someone called me this a few months ago on my Facebook wall, and I promptly decided I loved it and told my friends to start referring to me only as Big Smooth. They were shockingly unreceptive to the request. HOWEVAH, after I shared my love for being called Big Smooth, a guy from a summer basketball team (that played in Italy. No big deal) who I hadn't talked to in years said that he had just watched game film from the tournament in Italy and I was, in fact, the Big Smooth.

CHALK ONE UP FOR BIG SMOOTH!

The Effect: This is definitely not a legitimate nickname. I just wanted to put it here to make myself feel better. There are some brutal ones ahead.

The Nickname: Stormin' Norman

The Cause: My middle name is Norman, which I got from Grandpa Norm. Sadly, I never got to meet him (I hear he was awesome and would have loved grandkids). He died on August 29th, 1981 and I was born on August 29th, 1983. Bittersweet day. Unless you hate me, in which case it's a fully bitter day.

I started being called Stormin' Norman in middle school, presumably not because of General Norman Schwarzkopf, but because of Chris Farley's SNL portrayal of General Norman Schwarzkopf.

The Effect: Take a lesson from me, kids. If you hate a nickname of yours in middle school, you're very likely screwed, because middle school is horribly awkward, it absolutely blows and every kid is a giant douchebag milkshake just trying to get through the day without audibly farting or having his voice crack. BUT, you could try embracing the nickname. This probably won't keep the aforementioned milkshakes from using it, but you might actually grow to like the name, thus giving yourself a smoother middle school ride.

I did not embrace Stormin' Norman. Every time I heard it I became exactly like The Waterboy, but without the college scholarship. Also, I had no Vicky Valencourt because I still periodically wore sweatpants and had a mushroom hairstyle. Kind of like Rihanna, except not at all hot.

The Nickname: Nose / The Nose / Nosehead / Nice nose, shithead

The Cause: My brother and I each inherited very large heads (which gives us better balance and more brainpower for blogging). As for the nose, one of my best friends in the whole wide world randomly decided one fateful day that I had a huge schnozz, even though I'm fairly certain it's one of my few facial parts that's not abnormally large. I petitioned that my nose was not actually that big. Guess which argument won.

The Effect: Here's an example of someone trying to embrace the nickname. I hated this one in high school, so I changed my screen name to Nosehead4Life (which it still is. Ask me if I was asked for my screen name in the first week I started my new job, causing everyone in the office to wonder why I was hired. Go on, ask me!).

The Effect: I eventually came to accept the nickname, and doing so taught me to laugh at and make fun of myself, something I was horrible at before. This new trait led to my cultivation of a sense of humor, which you might say led to this blog. Diamonds start as coal, son! Just ask Incubus.

Feel like revealing your most hated nicknames? I'd love to hear them. Write that comment. DO IT NOW.

How to Make Your League's Fantasy Football Playoffs

2009-12-14T17:01:00.002-06:00

For those of you wondering where to direct the fan mail (stop flooding my inbox, people! I'm only one man!), I do a majority of the writing here on Common Vents. Downtown Dan chimes in whenever an African-American musician dies or he has some social media pet peeves to get off his chest.

Here's something else you don't know about the wonderful friendship Dan and I share: I hate him. He really is a deplorable human being, someone who needs to be put in his place at every possible opportunity. Thankfully, Dan loves to completely blow in one particular area of his life: fantasy sports.

How bad is Dan at fantasy sports? He drafted Neil Rackers in Round 4 last year. He has 3 defenses on his roster. He drafted 4 second basemen in our baseball league. He endlessly petitions Yahoo! to let offensive linemen into the fantasy mix. He has a soft spot for those big uglies, I guess.

The one problem? Dan has been ahead of my team all year. As of last weekend, 4 teams in the league were tied at 6-7. Two teams of that group would make the postseason depending on the outcome of Week 14. Here's what the standings look like. Dan is "I Keep Losing" and I am "Tactical Nuke."

Now, here are the facts. It appears I am the only squad in this list headed for victory this week, thus ensuring my playoff berth as the #5 seed. With all three other teams headed for losses, it's up to the total points number to determine the final playoff team. And it appears Mike, aka "ShutTheFrontDoor" is limping his way into the postseason, because Downtown "I Keep Losing" Dan has managed the lowest score this week in the entire league.

What a shame!

Dan gave it his all this year. He really did. After starting the season 4-1 (which led the league) he finished the season with a Bears-like record of 2-7. Slow down, lightning!

For those of you wondering how I was able to clinch a playoff spot, look to the right. There you will find the week 14 score of Brandon "The Beast" Marshall, whose lesser-known nickname would be Brandon "The Real Reason Jay Cutler Is So Good" Marshall. Here's what Marshall did in a 21-16 loss to the Patriots.

21 catches (NFL Record), 200 yards, 2 TDs. That's a really solid effort for most wide receivers over a 3-game stretch. Marshall did that in ONE GAME.

Rewind to this year's draft. I was ready to go. It was going to be a banner year. And then my internet crapped out minutes before the draft. My team was assembled via autodraft (always a disaster) and I got both lucky (Peyton and Mojo) and unlucky (clubhouse crybaby Brandon Marshall, gun and marijuana enthusiast Marshawn Lynch). But I was wrong about you, Brandon. So very wrong.

Thank you, Brandon. Your Broncos may have lost on Sunday, but your team's loss is my gain. I apologize for thinking you were a whiny toddler at the start of this year and trying to trade you for someone, ANYone. But you stayed on my squad because no one else wanted you, and now you've put me into the playoffs. I've developed some strong and perplexing feelings for you, Beast. I'll leave it up to Foreigner to get my point across.

Some of you more observant mouth-breathers may have noticed my opponent still has Larry Fitzgerald playing tonight. In case you're worried that I might be jinxing myself with this blog post, don't worry, I covered all my bases. This is the text I sent to my opponent, Jim, aka "Larry Legend."

"if larry fitz hangs up 40 tonight imma find you and mushroom slap you into a coma"

Bases covered!

So now it's onto the playoffs, where I'll surely make a swift exit because the Colts will be resting Peyton Manning and I'll have to rely on Chad Henne to take me to the promised land. But hey, this might actually happen. Right, Michigan fans?

Jason Whitlock + Tiger Woods = Twu Wuv

2009-12-11T14:52:00.003-06:00

Jason Whitlock is a capable sports journalist. By that I mean he's capable of making his readers feel awkward about racial issues. He's capable of taking a journalistic stance that opposes the general public, a majority of the media and common sense in general in order to get web traffic. He's capable of downing 2 triples with bacon and cheese from Wendy's in under 5 minutes. He recently wrote yet another article about the whole Tiger Woods thing, and there are so many points of his with which I take issue that I figured I'd just do it here. I'm breaking this thing down FJM-style. Let's get right to it.

There's more money and less intellectual effort in judging, vilifying and diminishing Tiger Woods than in providing the public a lens to understand him and a sports world/culture that long ago was perverted by television's money and fame.

"There's money involved in judging and vilifying Tiger, now watch me argue in the other direction in an effort to boost traffic and make more money."

Armed with the supposition that this brown-skinned golfer has irreversibly harmed an attractive, blonde-haired, blue-eyed white woman, much of the sports media have turned Elin Nordegren into Natalee Holloway and reached for ratings and relevancy by traveling the route paved by Nancy Grace.

Whitlock is talking about race? Get out of town! This is one of the world's most infuriating catch 22s. I want to call Whitlock out for constantly playing the race card even when it isn't necessary to do so, but I can't make that accusation without being called a racist. Where does Whitlock get the stones to continue to make such outlandish claims? He makes more money and his life is more comfortable than virtually all of his readers, regardless of their respective races. WHY KEEP BRINGING THIS UP? Are you that starved for material?

If we choose, we, the media, can do our job and put Tiger's transgressions in their proper context and explain to the public what happened to the perceived traditional ideals of the sports world.

Make way for Mahatma Whitlock! No, seriously, make way! Back up a little more, dude. This guy might weigh over 400 pounds.

The high-character values and morality we've ascribed to the male and female athletes who entertain us were a myth in the 20th century and a flat-out impossibility now.

Ah, yes. Every male and female athlete is a cheater, spouse abuser, drunk driver, drug user, murderer and contributor to National Public Radio. All the stories we hear about athletes contributing time and money to charities and being a great parent/spouse are fabrications by the media. Not Whitlock, though. He's one of the good guys.

When television's money and spotlight began turning 20-year-old athletes into instant millionaires, celebrities and brands, the Jordans, Peyton Mannings, LeBron James, Roger Clemens, Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps of the world became no different from Jon Bon Jovi, Mick Jagger, George Clooney, LL Cool J, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, Elizabeth Taylor and Robert Redford.

How many women do you think Jagger bedded in his prime? His wealth, fame and looks pale in comparison to Tiger's. When Phelps returned from the Olympics, he hit a bong and the strip clubs, bedding strippers, according to gossip magazine testimony, two and three at a time. You think when Phelps finds the love of his life, he'll dial it back and satisfy himself with vanilla sex when his wife decides to give it to him?

That's right. Men who grow up eating at five-star steakhouses often happily learn to love Hamburger Helper five nights a week.

Let me get this straight. You're saying that because Tiger consistently pulled in girls from every direction before he was married, there's no reason to think he'd stop doing it after getting married? Actually, there is a reason. It's called marriage. Infidelity is unacceptable after taking the leap. If you don't like it, DON'T GET MARRIED. Otherwise, tough shit. Keep it in your pants.

Phelps is white! That's why people don't care about him bedding stippers! Actually, Whitlock, it's because Phelps is unmarried and can generally do what he wants with women as long as it's consensual.

They would not be America's first adult couple (let alone celebrity couple) to agree that extracurricular sex is acceptable as long it remains non-embarrassing for the other spouse. Since we've legalized assumption, I've chosen to assume Elin's hijacking of Tiger's cell phone and threats to call Jaimee Grubbs were provoked by the National Enquirer or some gossip magazine contacting Tiger, Elin or one of her friends for comment on an upcoming expose about Rachel Uchitel or one of Tiger's bim-hos.

For all we know, his "transgressions" might be the overall sloppiness of his affairs.

Right on, Whitlock. Elin flipped out and took a wedge to her husband's face and Escalade not because she caught him cheating, but because news of his infidelity broke in the pages of the National Enquirer and not the New York Times.

ESPN killed sports journalism. It hired, overpaid and showered our best and brightest with fame, turning many of them into jig-dancing clowns unprepared to insightfully examine the sports world they allegedly cover.

Is this article about Tiger Woods, or was I mistaken? Stream of consciousness as a writing method? Really? Is this a diary or a sports column?

Let's act like golfers, like the majority of wealthy men, don't know the Rachel Uchitels of the world, don't frequent Las Vegas nightclubs where a pool cabana or table bottle service guarantee a parade of drunken Barbie Dolls looking for Mr. Right Now.

In case you're wondering, that's Whitlock in the middle.

Jordan, Ali and Magic all managed to play on their black wives without receiving much criticism. Shaquille O'Neal just finished off the remaining credible pieces of his marriage to a black woman by allegedly having an ongoing affair with Gilbert Arenas' fiancee. No one cares. But this brown-skinned golfer is facing ruin because he cheated on his white wife.

What a crock. Suggesting this story wouldn't be in the news if he weren't married to a white woman is downright racist. Tiger Woods is one of the wealthiest, most famous, most recognizable and most decorated athletes in sports today. Up until Thanksgiving he was thought to be a dedicated golfer, husband and family man.

Turns out he routinely hooked up with no less than two porn stars among who knows how many other women. This is a gigantic story, regardless of his wife's race. Suggesting otherwise is blatantly ignorant. Jason Whitlock is a giant hypocritical whale of a man who needs to find other ways to fill his columns. If he's not familiar with The Boy Who Cried Wolf, he should sit down with the book deduce its moral.

[FOX Sports - "Here's the Truth Behind the Tiger Woods Scandal"]

Note: If you read the entire FOX Sports article, don't read the comments. You will hate humanity.

5 Randomly Assorted Killer Song Intros

2009-12-10T20:51:00.004-06:00

A great song intro gets into your head and doesn't get out. They can come from any source, some expected and some completely surprising. Here are 5 killer and completely unrelated intros.

Crazy Train - Ozzy Osbourne (0:33)

Why It's Great: One of the definitive opening guitar riffs of all time. I've heard it hundreds of times and I still haven't tired of it.

Why It's Kind of Sad: The first 33 seconds is a sinister, unapologetic masterpiece. Then, suddenly, the song changes gears and the tone shifts into something...almost upbeat. What gives? The simple fact is the verses in Crazy Train BLOW. That's right, I said it. The riff during the verses is all wrong. If that killer intro played for four and a half minutes, I would be a happy man.

Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand (1:23)

Why it's killer: Sweet riffs, great beat with a greater tempo change. I dare you to stifle your foot's desire to stomp to this joyous minute and 23 seconds.

Why it's kind of sad: Well, Franz Ferdinand are from Scotland, proving once again that Americans typically make cringe-inducing music (see the next example). Also, I had trouble deciding whether Take Me Out or Do You Want To (off of Franz's second album, hilarious music video here) had a better case to make this list. Americans cannot make music. As proof, let's take a look at...

Miley Cyrus - Party in the USA (0:10)

Why It's Killer: And just like that, my musical credibility is out the window. I don't care, this intro is catchy. Guitar riff that sounds exactly like summer (if that's possible) plus a heavy snare to kick the beat off.

Why It's Kind of Sad: Make that "Why It Kind of Makes You Want to Vomit." Three words: Miley effing Cyrus. She's not going away any time soon, which is a shame because this chick flat-out cannot sing. Luckily, she never has to. The vocals are over-produced and likely went through more tweaks than the Rivers' family Christmas party. Plus, she'll always be lip syncing during her live shows. Easy life.

Moment Most Likely to Cause You To Vomit All Over Everything:This special category is in honor of the 1:04 mark. I defy you to listen to her pronounce the "S" in USA and NOT puke. I can't do it. Even after my stomach has emptied, as tears stream down my face and I muster the words "No more, Miley. Please. Have mercy," I still cough up bile like it's my job when I hear her sing that letter.

Welcome to the Jungle, Guns N' Roses (0:40)

Why It's Killer: It's Guns, brah! Slash shreds. The riff was tailor-made to make an arena full of people scream like madmen. Side note: I hate Nascar. I hear going to a race in person is a blast, but I've never done it. And so, I hate it. Guys racing in circles at breakneck speeds for hours and hours, and they're not even supposed to crash. Not fun.

My point? There's a Nascar commercial (that I can't find online. If you find it, PLEASE send it to me) that uses Welcome to the Jungle's intro. Accompanying the music is a montage of a space shuttle launching, a cheetah sprinting, a roller coaster flying past. It is absolutely one of the greatest commercials ever, and it makes me love Nascar. And I can't imagine a more appropriate song to support the lights-out montage.

Why It's Kind of Sad: Considering the acclaim and reverence with which Guns N' Roses are remembered, you'd think they'd have more than 4 good songs. But they don't. Welcome to the Jungle, Sweet Child O' Mine, November Rain and Paradise City are their great tunes. The End. And I'm being generous with Paradise City. I am THISCLOSE to my breaking point with that song.

Knockin' On Heaven's Door? Shitshow. Civil War? Please. Live and Let Die? Die. All their other songs are even worse. If I saw them live back in the day, I'd be happy with a 30 minute show if it meant I got to hear only their four good songs. I speak the truth, and all you Axl groupies can take a long walk off a short volcano.

When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin (1:25)

Why It's Killer: When I first heard Zeppelin, Stairway was my favorite song. As I dove deeper into the Led, Dazed and Confused emerged as king (best use of a B chord in rock history). Now, after years of listening to the band some people call the greatest of all time, When the Levee Breaks is my favorite Zeppelin tune, and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

The intro is haunting and 100% unique thanks to the distant beat by (look away, Rush heads) the greatest rock drummer of all time. Consistent guitar and wailing harmonica symbolize the pounding storm threatening to break the levee. Absolutely one of the greatest songs by one of the best bands ever.

Why It's Kind of Sad: Bonham died almost 30 years ago and Plant, Page and Jones are getting up there in years. That's about as sad as it gets.

That concludes this short and horribly incomplete list. Got killer intros that I missed? Make sure you call me an idiot for passing it over in the comments section, and remember to throw me the YouTube link. DO IT NOW.

Why I Won't See The Blind Side

2009-12-08T17:04:00.005-06:00

This past weekend at the box office was a putrid suckfest only @ArmondWhite could love. The Blind Side led the way with $20M, and the next 9 movies all received the coveted "rotten" rating on RT. Are any of these movies worth seeing? Well, apparently The Blind Side is. Right?

Wrong. Let's break it down.

The Plot (does not contain spoilers): The true story of Michael Oher, a gargantuan inner city kid with no education to speak of who's taken in by an influential white family. Big Mike excels at left tackle for his high school football team and earns a scholarship to an SEC school.

Okay, you got me. That contained spoilers. Sorry I'm a badass.

Why I won't see it: I read the book, and it was awesome. 98% of the time the book is better than the movie. Plus, books don't have Sandra Bullock. This is generally a good thing.

I still remember going to see Return of the King (running time: lol um wut? ) when it first came out. We got to the theater late so we had to settle for the front row. Right behind us were a group of LOTR nerds who shouted out "That didn't happen!" or "It was better in the book!" during every scene. That would be me during The Blind Side. As much as I'd love to be on that side of the nerdery (I'm sure it's much more fun), I don't want to ruin the movie for you. I'm that kind of guy.

The Blind Side was such a great book because Michael Lewis combined Big Mike's journey with the history of the left tackle position. Over the years, as the passing game has evolved in football and quarterbacks have become more and more valuable, the left tackle has emerged as the 2nd highest paid position on the field, behind only the quarterback. It makes sense. If the quarterback (who's probably right handed) is the most valuable position on the field, the man protecting his blind side is the second most valuable.

To top it all off, Michael Oher was just drafted in the first round by the Baltimore Ravens. When he was selected, he couldn't fight off the tears. What an incredible journey to the top of his profession.

That's why I won't be seeing The Blind Side. Instead of a fascinating history of an overlooked position combined with one of the best nonfiction stories I've read, I'd get 90 minutes of Sandra Bullock. I might as well listen to Peter Gabriel sing Solsbury Hill 23 straight times. Same. Exact. Thing.

Douche: It's Not Funny Anymore

2009-12-04T11:24:00.001-06:00

Remember 2006? I sure do. It wasn't too long ago. Who could forget when Russia cut natural gas to Ukraine over a price dispute to start the year? I know I can't! Good times.

I remember playing Halo 2 and poker with friends, missing Dave Chappelle and realizing the comedic potential of the word douche. Since then, things have gone through subtle changes. I still play first person shooters and poker, but now it's all online as I no longer have friends. I now miss Dave Chappelle's stand up more than his sketch comedy show. The one thing that's totally different is the word 'douche.' It's no longer funny.

The problem

Back when I first started calling people douches, I didn't even know what the word meant or that a douche was a real thing. My innocence was quickly taken away by my friends and I spent the next week bedridden and muttering "UNCLEAN" to myself over and over. But I emerged with an even greater appreciation for the comedic value of the word.

I'm a conservative curser, and I always have been unless I've had a few in me. Beers, that is. Not boners. Douche was a great word to use because it got its point across without being as harsh as words and phrases like 'asshole,' 'shithead' and 'big gay robot penis.' To top it off, it was really fun to say. One syllable (efficient), rhymed with BOOSH (awesome).

As icing on the cake, it wasn't the easiest word to spell. English nerd that I am, I cherished seeing my idiot friends try to spell it as doosh, deuche and deusch. I would then tell them 'nice spelling, douche' and no doubt make them wonder why they were still friends with me.

But now both 'douche' and 'douchebag' are no longer funny. Don't ask me how it happened. I'm not sure. I realized it as I was watching the New Moon parody video from earlier this week. The werewolf/collie says the phrase 'Your move, douchebag' and I found myself thinking "Come on, New Moon parody video. You're better than that." And that was my ah-ha moment (THANKS OPRAH!!).

Maybe it was officially no longer funny when Seth McFarlane started using it in his shows, thereby making it known around the country. Overuse takes the fun out of anything, especially words. My grandma called her neighbor a douche during Thanksgiving dinner. It might have made me choke had the turkey not been so tender and juicy. She's been single since my grandfather died 28 years ago and apparently some bro was getting all "clingy" with her (I had to teach her that term) so she broke it off and made him cry. We all felt bad for him until she told us he was a big douche. My grandma knows this word now. It's hilarious, but also horribly not hilarious at the same time. You follow?

The solution

1) Use different words

I nominate words like 'beej' and 'spooge,' similar single-syllable words with the coveted double-vowel sounds. Example sentences:

-WAY TO GO, BEEJ! (yelled in the drunken face of someone who blows a game of flippy cup)
-Oh come on, you giant bowl of spooge (typed/uttered after losing with AK suited to AJ after a J falls on the river)

2) Take notes from South Park. Find new and exciting ways to use the word.

Words and expressions evolve, as does what makes people laugh. Douche is no longer funny because it's no longer creative. It's something everyone's heard before and it requires no creativity. So add to the word in new and exiting ways and listen to the laughs pour in. As an example, check out these sample sentences. One of them appeared in a recent episode of South Park, and one of them did not.

-Eric Cartman is a fat, smelly douchebag.
-Eric Cartman is a fat, smelly douchebag milkshake.

Get creative with it, people. The word douche still has some life left, it just needs a little support. Try things out. Make mistakes. It's how we learn. See you next time, and as always, I do not welcome your comments. It's not personal, you're all just giant gobs of spooge in a ripped Ziploc bag.

New Moon, Modern Warfare 2, Other Stuff You Hate

2009-11-30T16:51:00.004-06:00

I've heard from people who have actually seen The Twilight Saga: New Moon that this video is incredibly accurate. Bella's heavy breathing and lip-biting are spot on, as is Edward's general creepiness and Jacob's shirtlessness.

And to those of you devoted to Twilight, I have a question. If Bella and Edward have a transcendent love that will last for all time, then why does she suck face with Jacob the first chance she gets? The only thing that's transcendent is Bella's sluttiness.

Modern Warfare 2 Multiplayer Map Tips: Scrapyard

Actual Tweet I sent today: "Officially got my MW2 k/d ratio over 1:1 this weekend. Thanks FAMAS. If you understood this Tweet, then HIGH 5 FELLOW NERD!"

As Downtown Dan can attest, my Modern Warfare 2 skills are improving with terrifying speed. That said, here are some keys to surviving Scrapyard.

Try not to get shot in the face.
As with all maps, stick to the outsides whenever possible. It's one less direction you can get shot from. In Scrapyard I prefer to hug the west side and prowl back and forth like a cougar who is also wielding an assault rifle. The perfect killing machine.
I've noticed a lot of people enjoy camping in the northernmost building and the northeast corner. Find them and kill them. Kill them hard.
If you're using anything other than an assault rifle here, you're doing it wrong. I go with either the FAMAS or the M16.
Try to shoot others in the face.

Tiger Woods:

Something doesn't add up. My guess is his wife bloodied his face and took a golf club to the Escalade before it crashed. I said as much when I first heard about the accident. I swear. I totally did.

Brian Urlacher:

I haven't been following this story too much, but it seems people are pretty upset over his comments about Jay Cutler. This just in, people: Jay Cutler kind of blows. He has one of the strongest arms in the NFL and all the physical skills necessary to be a great quarterback, but his decision making skills are suspect and his leadership skills involve one word: sulk. These are the facts. Here's what Urlacher said:

"Look, I love Jay, and I understand he's a great player who can take us a long way, and I still have faith in him," Urlacher said. "But I hate the way our identity has changed. We used to establish the run and wear teams down and try not to make mistakes, and we'd rely on our defense to keep us in the game and make big plays to put us in position to win. Kyle Orton might not be the flashiest quarterback, but the guy is a winner, and that formula worked for us. I hate to say it, but that's the truth."

He's spot-on, especially about Cutler transforming the Bears into a pass-first team, which is exactly what you want when your best receiver is Devin Hester. Urlacher's comment is actually pretty harmless, in my professional opinion. The guy was frustrated and he spoke his mind, and he did so with surprising clarity and care. Accurate comment from Urlacher that should in no way get Chicago sports fans up in arms.

Embarrassing Poop Story:

The Jess and I have yet to get a plunger for the bathroom, an issue that affects only me. I usually drop my daily deuce in the evening, and it is glorious. But if I miss a day: LOOK OUT.

I had just finished a project that required latex gloves (I was not dying my girlfriend's hair. I was doing something far more badass. I was skinning and preparing dead rabbits for a winter feast). Soon after, nature called. I must have skipped a day or two, because the result was epic and the toilet was not up to the task.

With no plunger, I did what any sane man would do who did not want his work being admired by any outside sources. I fished a latex glove out of the garbage and unclogged the damage myself. And before you call me disgusting, know this: I deeply inhaled near my hand immediately afterward, and it did not smell in the least bit like poo.

It smelled like hair dye. I mean dead rabbits.

Stop it with the Facebook as a diary crap

2009-11-25T15:15:00.004-06:00

by "Downtown" Dan Bardin

I go to Facebook for a number of reasons, but usually because I'm just bored. Lately I've noticed there has been an uptick in the wayyyy too much information zone.

I understand people posting that their day sucks, or it won't end, or TGIF, blah, blah, blah. It's a way to vent from the cubicle you spend more time in than your own home.

I don't want to go to Facebook to hear about how your boyfriend shot your uncle in order to get custody rights. Okay? For example:

I think its "pathetic" for ppl 2 put there nose in other peoples business.....bc obvi they hv nada else 2 do...I actually feel flattered that Im talked amongst other ppl thou...so live ur own life, and let me live mine, bc u obvi have things twisted my dear...

Besides making little grammatical sense, I don't even know what 3/4 of it says and still it pisses me off. This is what I see in my mind when I read posts like this:

I get you are having a bad day, and that's fine. Just don't tell me too much.

You can tell me your "besties" are on their way to the city and you are totally going to dance it up. Or that you made awesome salsa. Great. Perfect. Just stop it with the diary entries you post on Facebook as a desperate attempt at attention-seeking.

And, yes, this post is completely aimed towards girls.

Boom goes the dynamite. See you in another three months, Readers.

6 Year Old Thinks He's Playing Madden, Unleashes Hit Stick

2009-11-25T13:36:00.000-06:00

I became aware of this video thanks to Deadspin. Click for their full article.

Deadspin, while excellent at providing us with awesome sports content that we wouldn't know about otherwise, doesn't always do the best job of providing analysis or opinion on what we're seeing. Knowing that, I decided to put the video up here and break it down further.

This is what happens when you throw a bunch of 6 year olds together (who are, let's face it, mostly huge idiots) and put a physically advanced kid with an actual knowledge of the game of football in the mix. Most 6 year olds in football pads are focused primarily on running in circles or just standing there. This kid is different. He's not only strong and fast, but he understands the fundamentals of defense:

1. Find person with football
2. Destroy

There are a lot of bodies standing around in the first clip, so it's a little difficult to see what's going on at first. That's why I'm here. Here's what you should look for in the 7 to 15 second mark of the video.

Find the kid with the football. He's in the middle in the white jersey. He is presumably the quarterback, waiting patiently to hand the ball off to absolutely no one. The offensive linemen have either fallen down or are hitting each other. Basically, they're emulating the Chicago Bears.
The QB is staring off into space and, I guarantee you, thinking about absolutely nothing. He is completely comatose, yet (and here's his big mistake) still holding onto the football.
In comes the juggernaut. The hit causes the coach in the foreground to cringe with his hands on his head while the kid in the red hoodie jumps around like the Ravens D after Ray Lewis snapped Mendenhall's collar bone.
The QB may or may not have gone from "just standing there" to "on the ground and crying" in less than a second. He is kicking his legs furiously in an effort to comprehend this unfathomable turn of events.

The second clip does not need analysis. The juggernaut saw the person with the football and hulked out.

Basically, if your kid is 6 years old and you put him in football pads, you're an idiot, a horrible parent and you should perform a self-vasectomy immediately. Kids should not play football until high school. This concludes Luke and the View from his High Horse. Happy Turkey Day, you obese Americans. Let's drown our problems in gravy.

5 Classic Movies in Reverse (Inspired by HIGHDEAS)

2009-11-20T14:50:00.005-06:00

Today, Deadspin introduced me to a site called HIGHDEAS, in which stoners submit their awesome, mind-blowing revelations while in an altered state. A lot of the submissions are typical eyeroll-inducing stoner babble, such as potheads expressing a severe desire to move to Amersterdam, open a coffee shop and just LIVE, man!

Sadly, those idiots will never put down the bong long enough to get off the couch, let alone buy a plane ticket with money that could be spent on drugs. However, there are some genuinely awesome observations hiding amid the stereotypes. Such as:

But the obvious winner and the inspiration for this post is:

Thank you for the inspiration, anonymous stoner. In your honor, here are 5 classic films seen in reverse.

Kingpin
Roy Munson had it all: a loving and beautiful woman, a dominant bowling career and lucrative endorsement deals. But he was missing the two things he wanted most: his right hand and great hair. So he embarked on a nationwide journey with an out-of-control Randy Quaid to get those things back. Along the way he convinced Quaid to join up with the Amish. Munson gets his hair and hand back in a wild series of events that last less than a minute. His hand rejuvenation procedure appeared to be quite painful, as he screamed bloody murder in a bowling alley during the process. But he soon lived happily ever after, celebrating his newfound hand and hair by stealing a slice of a guy's pizza, who inexplicably didn't give a shit.

Cast Away
Chuck Noland is a skinny ladies man who makes the wise choice by letting go of a character played by Helen Hunt. Apparently he doesn't like his decision, however, because he jumps off a ship and onto a raft and stays there until he lands on a remote island. Oh and while on his raft, in the middle of the ocean, he encounters a volleyball dressed in racist garb. Despite not eating much and staying on the island for years, Chuck grows fatter and less hairy. He finally decides to get off the island, so he conjures an inflatable raft out of thin air, then uses his magical prowess to reverse a tragic plane crash. Chuck celebrates by working for FedEx and proposing to Helen Hunt. The End.

Tommy Boy
A successful, albeit obese, auto parts company president embarks on a nationwide sales trip. He inexplicably gets worse and worse at selling car parts so he decides to go back to Marquette. He takes 7 years to graduate. Then, also inexplicably, he transforms into a small (but still really fat) child and slams his face into a screen door right after he misses the bus. The End.

The Shawshank Redemption
Andy Dufresne is a man with an awesome property on the ocean in Mexico. He is tanned and healthy. Then he decides to break into Shawshank and stay there for over 20 years. When he finally gets out, he resurrects his murdered wife, watches her have sex with the town golf pro, then gets absolutely hammered. The End.

Zoolander
A model played by Ben Stiller makes the same face for the entire movie. The End.

Now it's your turn, y'all. There are thousands that I missed, so write your favorite backwards movie plot in the comments section. If you could include Nicolas Cage movies whenever possible, that would flat-out make my day.

Not Another Facebook Ad: Finally! Women Can Stop Shaving Their Faces!

2009-11-19T14:41:00.002-06:00

Alert reader @kmlemmon sent this ad to me. If you encounter similarly awful Facebook ads in your sidebar, please notify me. Together, we can end the absurdity.

I've been putting some thought into a Top 10 Twilight Quotes (With Analysis!) post in light of the theatrical release of New Moon. That thought was put on the back burner when I saw this ad.

I mean, come on.

Raise your hand if you've seen a woman lather up with shaving cream and take care of her facial hair. Anyone?

The ad makes much more sense if the "No More Shaving" headline is replaced with the simple question: "Are You Greek?" Suddenly the ad becomes MUCH more relevant. Greek women are vivacious, ready to party and they love to eat. All great qualities. They're also really, really hairy. They might up that ad's click percentage if the headline were changed.

And don't get me started on the woman in this picture. She looks like she's thoroughly enjoying this particular shaving experience. I'm not an ad guy, but if your headline says "No More Shaving," wouldn't you want a picture of a woman sobbing with countless razor cuts all over her face?

Also, where is this woman shaving? Underneath Dan Bardin's back fat? Why is there no light, yet she's perfectly illuminated? They couldn't give us a mirror? Anything from a bathroom?

Finally, and this is the most important point: WOMEN DON'T SHAVE THEIR FACES! Consider the following facts:

Women may know it's been proven to be a myth that hair does not grow back thicker if you shave. But they've seen that Seinfeld episode. And in the back of their minds, they're worried that if they're vain enough to actually shave what little hair there is, King Karma will quickly reward them with a beard thicker and fuller than the one Kyle Orton can only grow on his neck.
My point about Greek ladies is not accurate. Hairy Eastern European women display their facial hair with the pride of a war veteran showing off his scars and tattoos. They do not shave their faces. Ever.

So who exactly is this ad appealing to? What's the demographic? They're offering free laser hair removal in an area of the body where hair growth never needs to be maintained? Wow, awesome idea! Who came up with this garbage?

Preston: What's up, brah?

Luke: Oh. Hey Preston. Thanks for invading my blog again. Did you and what's his face work on this ad too?

Shane: We sure did, you candy ass BITCH! Nah, I'm just playin,' you're all right, Leo.

Luke: Actually, it's Luke.

Shane: Really? My bad! Sorry 'bout that, brah! I feel terrible. I guess I'm the only one who forgets someone's name.

Preston: Ohhhh! He burned you! Right? Because you forgot his name! BURN FIVE!

Shane and Preston high five, then pretend their hands are on fire. It's a terrible celebration. Just awful.

Luke: I'll leave you two alone.

Shane: Wait, why are we back here on this brutal blog that like 3 people read?

Preston: I think we need to recreate our process for creating that ad where the chick was shaving her face.

Shane: Pfffff! That's cake, son! Let's just go back in time!

Preston: Good call!

Preston and Shane bash each other over the head with chairs until they each black out. They're convinced that this is the secret to unlocking time travel.

Preston: Hang on. WHAT are we supposed to create?

Shane: It's another Facebook ad, Preston. Our client is a hair removal company and they want an ad geared toward women.

Preston: That is most decidedly NOT extreme, brah! We don't know SHIT about women! How are we supposed to write an ad for them? And why don't any women work at this agency?

Shane: They all quit, remember? You creeped on all of them to the point that they had to get restraining orders against you.

Preston: That is slander, sir! Slander, I say! If I'm such a creep, why did 5 honey bears simultaneously accept my invitation to join me for drinks last month?

Shane: That was a company event. Attendance was mandatory.

Preston: Fo rizz? Why do I still work here?

Shane: No clue. Let's get to work.

Preston: Snap! Light bulb, brah! Ok, stay with me here. What part of your body do you hate shaving? Like, what part of you body would you never shave again if you didn-

Shane: Ballsack.

Preston: Wow, I love where your head's at! I'm thinking Facebook might draw the line there. We somehow got away with hip boobs, so let's not push our luck.

Shane: Well, what about the face? I hate shaving my face.

Preston: Do women shave their faces?

Shane: They do if it's 5:30 and there's Jager and Red Bull on ice.

Preston: Lock it up!

Shane: Wanna make out to celebrate?

Preston: No.

Shane: Do you mean yes?

Preston: Yes.

And there we have it! Another Facebook ad ruined by the two brahs. In the highly, highly unlikely event that the person who actually created the Woman Shaving Her Face ad is reading this, find a new job. You suck. You jackass.

Modern Warfare 2 Tactical Nuke

2009-11-18T16:50:00.001-06:00

Dude earns nuke in MW2, hangs out for a while before unleashing it

Modern Warfare 2 just shattered top sales marks across the entire entertainment industry, netting $550 million in its first 5 days, trumping the numbers of Grand Theft Auto IV (the previous video game record holder) and Whatever Harry Potter Movie Made the Most and The Dark Knight (the previous global/domestic box office record holders).

Modern Warfare 2 is now the most successful entertainment release of all time. Doing the math ($550 million divided by 60 bucks), over 9 million copies of the game have already been sold. That's a lot of gamers who will subsequently be making a lot of YouTube vids.

Below is one posted of a guy getting 25 kills without dying, thus earning himself a tactical nuke that ends the game and gives his team the victory immediately. It. Is. Incredible. If you have a better video, post the link in the comments section and I'll throw it up post-haste. Enjoy, nerds!

A Review of The House of Yes, the weirdest movie ever

2009-11-18T12:11:00.002-06:00

Background info:

The Jess had to watch this film for a class, so we Netflixed it a few days ago. I asked her what House of Yes was about and she responded "incest."

Oh, awesome!

Brief plot summary (contains spoilers, F you):

Parker Posey plays a character named Jackie-O, a mentally unstable east coast aristocrat with serious daddy issues. Dad left the family early (or perhaps he was murdered, who really knows) so she looked to her twin brother, Marty (played by Josh Hamilton before he turned to drugs and steroids), to fill the holes. So to speak.

The two started messing around as teenagers and when it ended, it put Jackie-O into a mental institution of some kind. I think. I'm not really sure, I was eating dinner at this point.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, and Marty brings his fiance, Lesly (played by Tori Spelling), to meet the family.

Then Jackie-O has sex with Marty again. Lesly retaliates by getting with Freddie Prinze, Jr. Then Jackie-O shoots Marty in the face to keep him from leaving with Lesly. Movie over.

Okay, so I skipped some details. Sue me.

The Good:

Posey dominated this role. I got the sense that she could explode beyond repair at any time. Her presence demanded attention.
It was 85 minutes long, shorter than the 2-hour Lost premieres and finales.

The Bad:

I felt sorry for Tori Spelling. It was a confusing emotion for me, and one I hope to never experience again.
Freddie Prinze, Jr.

The WTF:

The twins' love scene was put into motion because they reenacted the JFK assassination as foreplay. Marty waved to a fake crowd before being shot by Jackie-O (there were blanks in the gun). Jackie-O then ran to Marty and pretended to prevent his brain from spilling out of his head. And then they got to the incest. It was definitely not not horribly awkward to watch.
Marty was murdered because Jackie-O wanted to reenact the JFK assassination one more time before he left. It's worth noting that she was completely deranged at this point, obviously too crazy to be trusted with a gun. But he agreed to reenact it once more instead of punching her in the face and taking the gun away. Then his head exploded and Tori Spelling ran away.

The Verdict:

House of Yes was an all-around half-star movie that was given a couple extra thanks to Posey's performance. 2 and a half stars and at least 5 WTFs. See it if you love Parker Posey or, like George Michael Bluth, you think incest is super duper and something to be explored. Otherwise, don't do it.

Analysis of the Worst Facebook Ad Ever (Warning: Contains Perplexing Nudity)

2009-11-17T10:55:00.004-06:00

So I was about to write another chapter in the Luke's Legendary Facebook Statuses tome when I took a look at the ads in the sidebar, as I usually do. I always notice them but never click on them, making me a pain in the ass of every web marketer out there. It wasn't long before I took a second glance at the Mobsters 2 ad. And no, it's not because there was a scantily clad digitally-rendered female holding a gun.

Something just didn't look right. Call it intuition if you want. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was the odd look of the gun she was holding. Or maybe it was THE EXTRA PAIR OF SWEATER MELONS WHERE HER HIPS SHOULD BE.

Seriously, WTF Facebook? If this is the next step in evolution, count me the eff out. What in the world was going on during the development meetings for Mobsters 2 advertising?

Mobsters 2 Ad Guy #1: Hey Shane, we gotta sit down and come up with our next Facebook ad.

Mobsters 2 Ad Guy #2: Sounds like a plan, Preston. Let's get to brainstorming.

Preston: Okay, our game has some guns in it. I like guns. We should have a picture of a gun. A big ass gun.

Shane: Duuuuude, I was thinking the same thing! You know what else I love along with guns? Chicks. Chicks showing a ton of skin! You follow me?

Preston: Oh, TOTALLY, brah! Chicks and guns, now we're onto something. Okay, the copy in the ad should have a sweet double meaning going for it.

Shane: You mean a nice little double entendre, brah?

Preston: Oh, TOTALLY, brah!

Shane: How about "This chick is hot and wants to have sex with you?"

Preston: I love where your head's at but that doesn't really have the gray area...

Shane: You mean gay area?

Preston: Nice. Let's high five.

They high five.

Preston: Anyway, it's missing the gray area that we need. How about "Unload on the competition?"

Shane: Wow. Goosebumps, brah. Goosebumps.

Preston: Thanks.

Shane: Okay, I was thinking about something last night. Stay with me here, it's a complicated concept. Okay, what do you love more than anyth-

Preston: Boobs.

Shane: Exactly! Ok, here's where it gets a little crazy. What if...what if we added some extra boobage where there typically isn't boobage?

Preston: Like on the forehead?

Shane: Yeah! You're on the right track. I was actually thinking on the hips. It doesn't make much sense, but who cares? Extra boobs, brah!

Preston: Dude, totally! Wow, this ad is money in the bank. Do we need to cover them up?

Shane: Nahhhhh. It's Facebook, brah! They have way too many ads coming in to meticulously check each one.

Preston: Lock it up.

Shane: Oh, it's locked up.

Preston: We have the best names ever.

I tried finding some contact info for ANY Facebook employee so I could report this horrifying image that will surely replace the whale in me nightmares. Sadly, the leaders of the world's leading social network are impossible to contact (I sure do love me some irony). So, if any of you would like to forward this post along to someone you know at Facebook, please do so.

Hopefully we can all agree that hip boobs are confusing, oddly disgusting and downright scary. If not, at least we can call agree that it's the worst advertising ever.

Netflix vs. Luke: Is Breaking Bad actually a comedy?

2009-11-09T10:52:00.005-06:00

Apparently I screwed this up, but thankfully Netflix is around to correct me on my hilariously off-base read of AMC's critically-acclaimed show, Breaking Bad.

To the left is a recommendation the online film rental service gave to me because of my love for both 30 Rock and Arrested Development, two of my favorite shows of all time. I hadn't previously thought of Breaking Bad as a comedy, but after looking a bit further I can't believe I missed the signs.

The cover art is hilarious enough, so right there it's obvious just how wrong I was about the tone of the show. It's comedy that's so good, so confident, that it doesn't need to install things like a laugh track, sunny soundtrack or David Schwimmer to get its point across. Here are some more ways in which Breaking Bad sets the bar for subtle and transcendent comedy:

Chemistry (the scientific kind, not the term used for relationships and/or sports)
The dad from Malcolm in the Middle, in the desert, in his underwear, holding a gun
Crystal meth addiction
Cooking and selling crystal meth
The challenges of raising a disabled child
Drug-related kidnapping and homicide
Lung cancer
Marital problems that stem from a sexless relationship (due to the aforementioned lung cancer)

Hilarious! Thanks, Netflix!

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

2009-10-30T15:22:00.002-05:00

It was a low-key Friday afternoon on Facebook, the calm before Halloween's storm. An abundance of rain cast depressing shades of gray over the Midwestern landscape. Nonetheless, spirits were high. Jokes and playful banter were in abundance on the Wall of Fred. But then...

Um...................

What?

World Series bumps Glee, causes Twitter asplosion

2009-10-28T17:02:00.004-05:00

The first and last people to the left are currently aware that Glee, the wildly popular TV show on Fox (about a glee club, cover songs of horribly overrated hits and unwanted pregnancies) is being bumped until the 2nd week of November because of "stupid baseball." The 2nd and 3rd Twitter profiles are blissfully unaware their precious show has been shoved to make room for The Captain and his pinstriped cohorts. Right about now they've undoubtedly received an "omg grl glee isnt on 2nite :(" tweet from their bestest, and they're now joining other emos across the nation in mourning.

These poor, misguided souls. They have yet to discover the joy of watching a November baseball game in sub-zero weather in which the remaining two teams battle for 5 hours and combine for 3 total runs. They haven't experienced the joy of seeing A-Rod's crotch bulge (which may or may not be his cup), the complete inanity of Tim McCarver and the moral superiority of Joe Buck.

It's obvious these juveniles have never picked up a ball outside of mandatory gym class, which they were forced to do by manlier-than-your-WWII-veteran-grandfather P.E. teacher, who, despite all evidence to the contrary, constantly claimed to have been born a woman.

Go get some sun, you vampires! New Moon is going to blow just as much as Twilight did! No one denies this! Can you even come up with...

I mean, can you even explain to me the intricacies of a dropped 3rd strike and the effect it may have on...

I can't do this.

Why, Fox? Why? WHY WOULD YOU BUMP GLEE FOR THAT HERPES-INFESTED SHORTSTOP, DEREK JETER? HE IS NOT EVEN HALF THE MAN MR. SCHUE IS!

/sobs uncontrollably

JETER TOTALLY HAS HERPES, SHITHEADS! HE GAVE IT TO JESSICA ALBA! GOOGLE IT!

/does weird convulsive breathing thing that happens when you're breathing in while recovering from a sobbing fit. don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about.

LIKING GLEE DOESN'T MAKE ME GAY, OKAY DAD? THERE'S THAT ONE GUY IN IT WHO IS TOTALLY ABLE TO JUGGLE BEING QUARTERBACK OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM WHILE STILL MAINTAINING HIS DEDICATION TO GLEE!!1

/farts, smells it

AND OMG YOU GUYS, MR. SCHUE'S WIFE IS SUCH A BITCH! SHE DOESN'T DESERVE HIM AT ALL, HE'S SUCH A GOOD DANCER AND SINGER AND I CAN TELL HE TOTALLY HAS AMAZING ABS.

Okay, I think I've calmed down. But for realz, why are we being subjected to a baseball game in 30 degree weather? Is this how the game is meant to be played, let alone the most important series of the entire season? No. No it is not.

JOURNEY BREAK!

Overrated? Don't Stop Believin' is overrated? You, sir, are overrated and I will gladly poop in your Chipotle burrito and call the concoction a pinto/black beans hybrid. And you will eat it, just like you'll eat the shit show that will be taking place at Yankee Stadium and Citizens Bank Park over the next two weeks. Because you don't know when you're being fed a giant poop burrito if you're actually excited for men swinging lumber over hot guys singing and dancing all over the place.

Oh well. It's not a total loss. I hear Tim McCarver sings.

This Week in Unintended Irony: Swine Flu Vaccination Lines

2009-10-27T16:43:00.003-05:00

This photo was taken over the weekend at a nearby high school. Every person in line is waiting for an H1N1 vaccination. No, not really. This is actually a line for a Slayer concert. But anyway, onto the point of this post: I work with a couple people (they're married) who endured a 3 hour wait to get a swine flu vaccination. The line extended 7 blocks. They waited in the rain. Oh, and the woman is 9 months pregnant and will be induced into labor tomorrow.

They asked if they'd be able to jump the line (since, you know, she's 9 months pregnant and supposed to be on bed rest) and were promptly told to get to the back of the line. Nobody who was in line let her cut. Also, the "priority list" of people who were eligible to receive the vaccine wasn't being followed. And so they waited for 3 hours. In the rain. What a joke.

Since I can never give anyone a straight definition of irony and instead need to come up with examples (and no, it is NOT like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, you big douche), my coworkers' story led me to this possible scenario: what if you died of the swine flu because you were standing in the rain for 3 hours, waiting for a swine flu vaccination?

Bam. Irony landed. Or maybe a better definition of irony is The Good Advice That You Just Didn't Take.

I hate you.

Paranormal Activity: Yeah, this looks fun

2009-10-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Paranormal Activity cost $15,000 to make and collected $20 million last weekend alone. If it grosses $60 million (which it will) it becomes the most profitable movie (percentage-wise) in history, passing up The Blair Witch Project. Fascinating stuff. Am I seeing it? Let's see:

Remember What Lies Beneath? It rocked me to my core after I saw it. Harrison Ford, a villain? No way. No way. NOOOOOOOO!!! NO, HARRISON!!!! FIRST CALISTA FLOCKHART, NOW THIS?

I had nightmares about Malificent, the villain in Sleeping Beauty, until I was 23.

When asked if I'd like to see a horror movie these days, I find the nearest floor or ground surface (there's usually one pretty close), lay down, assume the fetal position and rock bank and forth/hum loudly until the question is either retracted or the person leaves the room.

So no, I will not be viewing Paranormal Activity. Let me know how it goes for you.

I Know Who Soaked the Kids!!!!111

2009-10-21T12:03:00.001-05:00

I have an application for Firefox called Googlepedia, which takes your Google search term and puts up the most relevant Wikipedia article on the right side, eliminating the need to visit Wiki's page. It's a huge time saver and an awesome application. I recommend you try it out.

Anyway, I typed "driver soaks kids prosecution" into Google, and the most relevant Wikipedia article popped up next to my results. His fake accent fooled us all!

The Best Video of Kids Getting Drenched That Will Ever Be Made

2009-10-20T15:56:00.002-05:00

As I stated earlier, I try to stay away from constantly posting videos on here (I'm obviously doing a wonderful job) because it's an easy way to bypass the creative process and blah blah blah blah. Watch this incredible video.

Obvious highlights:

At one point the guy gets so excited that he loses his accent.
That horribly evil laugh.
Innocent kids getting soaked is near the top of my list of Top 5 Things I Didn't Know Were Hilarious. I don't know the other 4 yet.
The moral crusaders commenting on this video who are demanding imprisonment or death for this guy.

If you have a better video than this, by all means send it my way. Drop me a line at ltrayser@gmail.com

Update: Remix!

Nostalgic Sigh: IGN's Top 10 Halo Kills of the Week

2009-10-15T09:19:00.000-05:00

Halo 3: ODST at IGN.com

I have a PS3 and am loving it, as it actually turns on properly and doesn't give me three red lights as a greeting. But sometimes, when it's late at night and I'm alone with my thoughts...I miss Halo. I'm man enough to admit it. Although if I ever ran into any of these psychos I'd probably chuck my controller through the TV. I mean look at #1. How is that even possible? [IGN]

Why Shutter Island Will Kick All Kinds of Ass

2009-10-09T16:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I just finished reading Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane (published in 2003, look how ahead of the curve I am!), and after reading it, I'm certain of one thing: It's going to blow your mind. I'm gonna go ahead and guarantee it. The film was originally slated to be released this month, but Paramount recently decided to push it to February 2010. That's fine. Seems like a Valentine's Day movie instead of a Halloween one.

I can't say enough about the book. Knowing it's in Scorsese's and Leo's capable hands makes me 100% certain that Shutter Island is going to be an unforgettable moviegoing experience. Leo plays Teddy Daniels, a US Marshal in the 1950s who's sent to investigate Shutter Island, a last-resort, eerie psychiatric ward where things aren't as they seem. He's joined by castmembers by Mark "13 Going on 30 Is Kind of My Best Film" Ruffalo and Ben "I'm Not Actually a Chess Instructor, Stop Asking Me" Kingsley.

I won't give any spoilers away, which is going to be brutal on me. I started reading the book under the impression the movie would be released in October, heard the news that it was pushed back to February, and couldn't stop reading because it was just too good. Now I have to keep the story's secrets bottled up for four months.

You need to read the book so we can talk about it. Do it and then we'll talk in the comment section, ruining it for the other 2 people who read this blog. Do it. Do it for Leo. It's what he'd want. Whisper it like Dr. Evil. Leo!

Cole Hamels' Wife Is a Selfish Distraction

2009-10-08T16:39:00.002-05:00

Oh sure, Heidi Hamels. Go ahead and go into labor just as your husband and his teammates embark on their arduous quest to repeat as World Series champions. By all means! In fact, why don't you take a load off! Would you like some ice cream? Perhaps some peanut butter and Oreos? I hear you're a fan.

/Watches 5 minutes of Survivor, vomits.

Your husband Colbert (lmao) tried to give his team a 2-0 lead heading west into Colorado, but because of you, he only pitched 5 innings and gave up 4 earned runs (a 7.20 ERA for you math whizzes) and is now in line for the loss. He was thinking about his wife and his first child and how his life will never be the same. You did this to him. You destroyed Philadelphia sports.

Breaking News As I'm Writing This Post: Cole Hamels has left the ballpark to be with his wife, who is currently ~~stripping for peanut butter and Oreos on a stale CBS reality show~~ in labor.

You selfish hussy! How dare you destroy Philadelphia's chance at two straight titles! Their fans are saints! They deserve only the best!

Don't give me that look, jungle woman! I'm onto you. I know your game. You snagged a ballplayer and entered baby-needing freakout mode once you turned 30. You women. You're all the same. You latch onto 25-year-old, left handed, World Series MVP-winning pitchers like it's going out of style. Don't act like you don't!

I know how this went down, Heidi. It's an all too familiar story.

(January 2009)

Heidi Hamels: Colbert? I'm 30. Mama needs a bun in the oven.

Cole Hamels: ...boobies?

HH: (rolling eyes) Yes, Colbert. Boobies. Very good. Now get over here. Let's get to babymaking. Try for triplets! OMG COLBERT TRY FOR TRIPLETS! (jumps up and down, holds up three fingers)

CH: ...changeup?

HH: Colbert! Pay attention to me! I am your wife and I am super cereal! In this house, three fingers means "triplets" and not "changeup!" Now give me the ol' 4-seamer!

And so, 9 months later, you went into labor, Heidi. On the very day your husband was due to put a stranglehold on the Colorado Rockies, no less. But now the Rockies will take Mr. Momentum and ride him all the way into the World Series against the Yankees, where they will stage a dramatic upset in one of the greatest rebound stories in sports history.

Basically, Heidi, your selfish baby-needing will bring heartbreak and anguish to millions of Phillies and Yankees fans.

Philadelphians and New Yorkers, the greatest, most tolerable and least annoying, most friendly, most knowledgeable, most deserving and saintly fans on earth, will be wallowing in their own tears and fecal matter.

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you.

WTF? Why Does Google Have a Barcode?

2009-10-07T09:41:00.004-05:00

The #14 topic at Google Trends right now is "why does google have a barcode." Coincidentally, the #16 topic is currently "am i a mouth-breathing ape."

Tip for all of you computer users: If you hover your mouse over Google's customized logo, you'll see a message giving you the reason for the change. Here's an explanation.

What "hover your mouse" means:

Keep the mouse completely still for a second or two. Do not move it.

What "hover your mouse" doesn't mean:

Shove the mouse in every direction like an air hockey mallet. Screech like a howler monkey.
Lift your mouse several inches into the air and leave it hanging there. Make UFO noises.

If you hover over Google's logo today, you'll see the message "Invention of the Bar Code," eliminating the need to search for a reason for the confusing logo change. Try it out for yourself!

And technically, if you slide your mouse over the Google logo and then try the "lift the mouse, make UFO noises" technique, that would actually work. Just don't let anyone see you do it.

Jared Allen Spills His Redneck Mullet All Over My Dreams

2009-10-06T10:46:00.002-05:00

We're back with yet another installment of the insanely unpopular series "Luke Talks About His Fantasy Teams!" This should be a good one, buckle up. Click the image to enlarge it.

Above is the summary of my Week 4 in fantasy football, which is downright hilarious. I was up against a team who's absolutely loaded and somehow contained Brady, Wayne and Purple Jesus. Things were looking good. And then Jared Allen decided to collect 4.5 sacks (a Monday Night Football record) and a safety, which I'm pretty sure I could have done too if I were up against Green Bay's dynamite left tackle, Simple Jack.

And yes, our league has 3 individual defensive players, something I defy any other league in the entire United States to match. As you can see, Allen collected 29 points, more than Peterson and Wayne had in Week 4 combined. I lost by 0.6 points because of this man.

"I've never had a day like that," sang Allen in a ridiculous hillbilly twang. Then he collected his massive paycheck (a little more than $750,000 per game) and bought another house, while I watched an episode of House on DVR. We're practically twins!

I realized something last night. Sometimes life is great, and sometimes Jared Allen does 4.5 calf-roping celebrations in one game and takes a shit on your face.

Why My Friends Hate Me: Fantasy Football 2009 Edition

2009-09-29T16:39:00.006-05:00

My fantasy football team is horrendous. They played out of their minds to get a rare win in Week 3, and they're now 1-2 on the year. Downtown Dan Bardin is sitting pretty, alone in 1st place, a feat he marked by changing his team name to "MerilHodge'sTieKnot."

Instead of letting the guy have his moment, I decided to change my own team name from Air(Holes) McNair to what you see in the #8 spot. (click pic to enlarge) For those of you claiming I'm a jerkoff because 1) It's too soon to make a McNair joke and 2) I should let Dan Bardin enjoy his moment in the sun, 1) Whatever. McNair cheated on his wife and wrecked his family because he got with an unstable 20 year old and 2) You may have a point.

This concludes another episode of Why My Friends Hate Me. I'll wrap this up with a classic Seinfeld moment. Y'all come back reeeeeal

/door slam

Hey Asshat: I Don't Want to Play Mafia Wars.

2009-09-17T16:49:00.003-05:00

No. I do not have 5 minutes.

Just as the invites to play Mafia Wars from my hundreds upon hundreds of friends on Facebook start to die down, I'm greeted with this ad.

Follow this advice, people: If something is being given to you for free, it's probably going to suck. If we're talking video game simulations, then this is true 100% of the time.

If you're saying I shouldn't knock it until I try it, I'll ask you what you think about suicide, you'll express your hatred of it, I'll ask if you've ever tried it, you'll say no, I'll call you a hypocrite, the end.

You know what I'm gonna do instead of Mafia Wars? I don't know either. I might watch Curb or Arrested Development on DVD. Maybe I'll play NHL 10 or MLB 09 The Show. Or Tiger Woods 10, Mario Galaxy or the new Metroid Prime collection. I might read Brothers, the awesome bio on John and Robert Kennedy. What do these awesome options have in common? They all cost money.

19 million people per month play Mafia Wars. Therefore, I am smarter than at least 19 million people, for I have figured out that paying for your entertainment is the best way to be entertained.

Figure it out, reeds.

The Top 10 Fastballs in Baseball

2009-09-16T15:41:00.009-05:00

As of today, the best fastball in 2009 belongs to Randy effing Wolf. I know, I thought the same thing. But according to the glorious stat nerds over at FanGraphs, the Wolfman has the most effective heater in all of Major League Baseball. Wolf has been on fire since the All-Star Break. I don't have time to check my notes, but I'm pretty sure he's gone 34-0 in that time. Not bad.

As they say in baseball all the time(I think), location is far more important than velocity. This would certainly make sense since Wolf's average fastball blazes by at an even 89 MPH, which coincidentally is what my 4-seamer was clocked at in 2nd grade. But enough about me, let's get to the lists. Here are the 10 best and worst fastballs (and we're talking effectiveness, not velocity) in MLB. The numbers in parentheses signify Runs Above Average, which basically evaluates a certain player compared to league averages and assigns that player either a positive or negative number in a certain category.

10 Best Fastballs in MLB

10. J.A. Happ (18.0)
9. Josh Johnson (18.4)
8. Scott Baker (19.5)
7. Chris Carpenter (20.3)
5. Matt Cain (24.1)
5. Zack Greinke (24.1)
4. Justin Verlander (24.5)
3. Joel Pineiro (24.6)
2. Clayton Kershaw (26.4)
1. Randy Wolf (28.9)

Notes:

Every guy on this list is a starting pitcher. Seattle closer David Aardsma just missed the cut with the 11th best heater.
Wolf and Kershaw are both Dodgers, Carpenter and Pineiro (WTF?) both Cardinals. Sounds like Rick Honeycutt and Dave Duncan are dynamite pitching coaches.
Carpenter has three pitches that are at least 10 runs above average(fastball, slider, curve). Pretty sure he's the only one. If that's wrong, let me know.
Ted Lilly has the best fastball on the Cubs (+15.7, 13th in MLB)
Matt Thornton has the White Sox's best fastball (+6.9, 65th in MLB)
When I wrote this post on the best and worst fastball hitters, Jarrod Washburn had the league's best fastball. Since joining Detroit he has taken a nose dive to 16th in the league.
Verlander(95.5 MPH), Johnson(95.1 MPH) and Kershaw(93.9 MPH) have the 3 fastest average heaters on this list. Happ(89.7), Pineiro(89.0 MPH) and Wolf(89.0 MPH) have the 3 slowest.

10 Worst Fastballs in MLB

10. Joe Blanton (-13.6)
9. A.J. Burnett (-14.3)
7. Bronson Arroyo (-14.8)
7. Zach Duke (-14.8)
6. Chris Volstad (-15.8)
5. Ricky Nolasco (-16.3)
4. Livan Hernandez (-16.5)
3. Trevor Cahill (-16.8)
2. Kenshin Kawakami (-19.1)
1. Carl Pavano (-20.6)

Notes:

The picture is of Carl Pavano telling us which pitch he prefers to throw. Other than that, I have no notes. These guys blow.

WTF?

2009-09-15T09:00:00.004-05:00

Facebook Ad References Obama, Makes Me Angry

It's too early in the morning for this. I guess it's what I deserve for thinking something interesting might hit my profile at 9 am.

Every morning I check Facebook before my email. That way I'm surprised at any overnight activity on my Wall. While my page loads I close my eyes, cross my fingers and whisper "please please please" over and over. It's a surprisingly effective method. You gotta want it.

An overwhelming sense of despair hits me when my Wall looks the same as it did the day before. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down completely are the Facebook Ads in the sidebar. At least you know me, Facebook Ads. You're always there.

Or so I thought. Here's what greeted me this morning.

First, I have a degree. Yeah, it's an English degree, but I'm pretty sure that still counts. Second, who is this reed in the ad? It looks like he showed up for an esurance commercial audition stoned out of his mind. He only shows up for these auditions so his dad will keep paying his rent and he can keep "searching for the perfect wave, brah." Whatever that means.

Side note: The term "reed" is courtesy of Nick Hall at Yummy Bro, a pretty solid blog. Check him out. Click here for the explanation.

Obama says get a vasectomy! Obama says read this socialism pamphlet! Obama says the Craftsman DYS 4500 is the best riding mower on the market! Does anyone actually click these things? If you do, you're a big fat idiot.

Please write on my Wall.

2009 US Open: Crazy Federer Video

2009-09-14T16:39:00.003-05:00

Men's Final Underway; Federer Dominating

Roger Federer has already taken the first set and it looks like he'll be taking the 2nd shortly. Here's a video to shock and amaze you. My thanks to avid reader BC for the alerting me. And by "avid reader BC" I of course mean "a guy who's aware that this blog exists."

This Week in Unintended Irony: ESPN & Brian Urlacher

2009-09-14T14:08:00.011-05:00

Urlacher wrist injury yields pessimism, yearning for hockey season

This is a screenshot taken from espn.com at around noon today and the Nike advertisement that ran underneath the Monday links. I expected that by clicking my mouse and unleashing Urlacher, I'd be a witness to his lightning-quick texting skills, which he used to alert the Chicago Tribune of his injury status. He was apparently able to fight through the wrist pain that comes with sending a text. What a warrior.

Instead the Nike ad showed Urlacher glaring like Michael Vick just Facebooked his dog. He then hulked out on some dude and then glared at me one more time before leaving, presumably to "get his text on."

In case you're having trouble seeing the irony (either because the font is too small or you're an idiot), this Nike ad that showed Urlacher the Undertaker wreaking havoc ran directly underneath a headline saying the Bears' linebacker was out for the season with a wrist boo-boo.

Ok, fine, I've never had a dislocated wrist. It's probably unthinkable amounts of pain that would make me pass out if I had to tolerate it. And to his credit, #54 hurt his wrist fairly early on and played the rest of the 1st half despite the injury. Kind of manly. I'm just venting here.

I mean, It's been a brutal year for Chicago baseball. Chicagoans (both North and South siders) checked out a while ago, looking forward to football season. There was hope for this Bears team. They signed a quarterback. A real one! Yeah, he's kind of a stuck up asshat, and yeah, his decision making and leadership skills are questionable at best, but he can fire a ball 70 yards and thread it anywhere he wants with incredible precision!

Four interceptions later, it's clear Cutler has a vast amount of skill and not a lot of brainpower. It seems that he has so much faith in his cannon arm that he believes he can execute difficult throws in any position. This is why he was so comfortable throwing the ball off his back foot, rolling right or fading away while rolling right.

No, his receivers and his line didn't do him any favors. But transcendent quarterbacks elevate their receivers and fire the ball away quick enough to keep holes in the offensive line patched. Cutler is probably the most physically gifted quarterback in the NFL right now, but he's not transcendent. That says something about how dysfunctional his non-physical skills are.

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh is coming to town to drop the Bears to 0-2, and they're missing their defensive anchor for the entire season.

See you in 2010. Let's go Hawks!

Why District 9 Will Kick All Kinds of Ass

2009-08-12T18:12:00.005-05:00

District 9 has a simple premise: Aliens are living as refugees in South Africa. Produced by Peter Jackson, it looks completely and utterly badass. This notion has been reinforced by film critics, who have praised the film at a 96% clip on RT thus far. Of the 26 reviews currently archived, 25 are positive.

Guess who's submitted the lone negative review thus far.

Poor, misguided Armond White. So predictable. Once again, RTers were commenting that District 9's 100% wouldn't last because White hadn't submitted his review yet. But lo and behold, his review is in, which you can read here. (Finish whatever food you may be eating first; his arguments are a choking hazard)

Rotten Tomatoes Consensus: Technically brilliant and socially poignant, District 9 has action, imagination, and all the elements of a thoroughly entertaining science-fiction classic.

Armond White: District 9 represents the sloppiest and dopiest pop cinema -- the kind that comes from a second-rate film culture.

The guy who loves Michael Bay is calling District 9 pop cinema. The amount of hypocrisy here is downright laughable.

I've never been a paid film critic, but I'm fairly certain it's an important part of the job to go into each movie with an open mind, regardless of what may have been heard about it or how a critic might personally feel about the subject matter.

This is what pisses people off (myself included) about White the most. Before he sees a film, he knows what kind of review he's going to give it. First off, District 9 is produced by "intellectually juvenile New Zealander" Peter Jackson. Strike 1.

"This cheap, darkhumored pass at empathy disgraces any greater cinematic potential." Strike 2.

"District 9 confirms that few media makers know how to perceive history, race and class relations." Strike 3!

White isn't a dummy, as I've stated earlier. He definitely knew Jackson produced District 9, and I'd wager he knew the film's basic premise as well. He knew before the film even started that he was going to trash it, and he was licking his chops.

Oh, I'm sorry Armond! I wasn't aware District 9 was a movie fit for a Social Studies class! I was under the impression it was a work of fiction. And no, the film's producer is not black, so his "pass at empathy" sure is pathetic, huh? My favorite part is when you flat-out called Peter Jackson a racist, suggesting his effort "suggests some lingering Afrikaans’ fear or, possibly, how Jackson really thinks about the Maori and Aborigines. "

What the shit are you talking about, Armond?

You see, people-I've discovered something about Armond White. He's a bigoted, stubborn racist. For the first clue, just check out his positive and negative reviews.

But the major clue to White's racist tendencies comes in the ease with which he cries "RACISM!" when it's not even present at all. Much like the cheating husband who is jealous and accusatory toward his wife or the moron who laughs the loudest because he doesn't get the joke, White plays the race card in an effort to subdue his own prejudices. It's not working, Armond. You're a flat-out racist.

Most moviegoers are idiots. They want to see shit blow up before being taught a lesson every single time. What Jackson and other astute filmmakers have figured out is that you can draw parallels to actual events (while blowing shit up) that pretty much everyone can absorb.

All Jackson and Neill Blomkamp (District 9's director) tried to do is to show us that intolerance doesn't pay. And you threw it back in their faces, Armond. Well done.

When my wife is in labor, I'll shout encouragement to get her through it. Do I understand her pain? Absolutely not. And as I encourage her, will she interrupt me, call me a sexist prick, and make me leave the room? Only if she's a stubborn, bigoted and close-minded nutjob.

Evaluate your life, Armond. Nobody likes a racist.

You're Going To See This Movie Because You're An Idiot

2009-08-11T12:10:00.002-05:00

Note: I went to a double feature over the weekend (and only paid for 1 ticket, I'm so badass). I saw The Hurt Locker and 500 Days of Summer. Two very different movies, and two of the best that I've seen in a while. But while I was there I saw a preview for The Time Traveler's Wife before each film. Coincidentally, I vomited twice. In my haste to clean myself up, I ran into the women's bathroom and overheard this conversation.

"OMFG Brooke, did you see that preview for The Time Traveler's Wife?"

"I totally did, Michelle! It's gonna be like, the best movie ever!"

"I know! It's like The Notebook but with time travel lol!"

"It totally is! U R so right! It even has that same girl from The Notebook! I forget her name. Rachel McSomething lol!"

"Yeah that's her. I wish my face could be as pretty as hers."

"What? Are you cereal? Your face is TOTALLY pretty! It's WAY prettier than mine."

"OMG shut up! You are so much prettier than me!"

"No, you're prettier!"

"You are!"

"..."

"..."

"What were we talking about again?"

"The Time Traveler's Noteb...I mean the Time Travler's Wife!"

"OMG were you gonna say The Time Traveler's Notebook? lolz!"

"I totally was! lol I'm so dumb. Good thing I've got these boobs!"

"lolz lolz!"

"OMG Brooke. OMG. Did you see how hot the guy is in Time Traveler's Wife?"

"OMG Michelle I did. He is so hot. I mean, like, he's not as hot as Ryan Gosling but OMG yeah he's so hot. What's his name again?"

"I dunno, I just know he was The Hulk lol!"

"lol ur so funny!"

"OMG if she like, dies at the end I am totally gonna cry."

"OMG totally! Bring the kleenex lol! It's gonna be a moist one!"

"OMG Brooke ewwwwww!!! Did you just say moist! Ewwwwww!!!!!"

"OMG OMG I totally did! lol ewwwwwww!!!"

Seriously, what is going on in this train wreck of a movie? Eric Bana visits Rachel McAdams as a little girl? Is this guy a pedophile or what? When he disappears, what's that red thing he's wearing? A towel? WTF? No wonder McAdams can't let go of him, he voilated her when she was little.

If you see this movie, you endorse pedophilia.

The Top (And Bottom) 10 Fastball Hitters in MLB

2009-08-06T16:24:00.007-05:00

I've neglected my sportswriting recently in favor of film critics, organic food and fake Gene Hackman interviews. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for this mistake. To make amends, it's time to break out my inner nerd and discuss a topic that's been near and dear to my heart since my days of wearing sweatpants on a daily basis: baseball statistics.

It's gotten to the point where batting average, home runs and RBIs don't get the job done anymore. I need new ways to absorb what I see on TV. Give me OPS, VORP, win probabilities, fielding range and pitch values.

Enter FanGraphs, my new favorite site. They track pretty much every stat that's been conjured up. How in depth are they? They can tell you what hitters and pitchers are most/least effective when hitting or throwing a certain pitch. I'm positively giddy. This new information is awesome beyond words.

You'll learn things about your favorite players that you never would have known before. For example, the only pitch that Albert Pujols hits below average is a split-fingered fastball. You'd think every NL Central pitching coach would lead a split-finger course to try to gain any kind of advantage over King Albert.

You're either going to find this information extremely fascinating or more boring than Pretty In Pink (I kid, RIP John Hughes. And Molly Ringwald's career). My guess is that there's a good chance you'll find this material captivating if you have a Y chromosome. If you're a double X, you could be out of luck. But whatever. Like I said, I'm unleashing my inner nerd here. So here are the major leaguers who currently are best and worst at hitting the ol' #1. The average is 0. Above average hitters score above zero, below average hitters score below zero. Easy enough.

10 Best Fastball Hitters of 2009 (Runs above average)

1. Albert Pujols (31.1)
2. Kevin Youkilis (29.0)
3. Michael Young (27.6)
4. Mark Teixeira (25.3)
5. Justin Upton (24.8)
6. Prince Fielder (24.1)
7. Shane Victorino (23.7)
8. Chase Utley (23.1)
9. Adam Dunn (22.2)
T-10. Victor Martinez (21.9)
T-10. Mark Reynolds (21.9)

Notes:

Only one guy in all of baseball is worse at hitting sliders than Justin Upton (-12.1), and that's Kevin Kouzmanoff of the Padres(-12.4). Why Upton still sees fastballs is beyond me.
4 of these 11 guys are on my fantasy team (Albert, Young, Prince, Victorino). My pitching is blowing it for me, but that offense is still stacked.
Only 2 of these 11 boppers (Prince and Dunn) are above average at hitting a split-finger fastball.
Albert, Prince and Utley also tattoo sliders. (5.1, 4.1, 5.2)
2 BoSox, 2 Phillies and (shockingly) 2 D-Backs on this list.
No Cubs on the list. The first one doesn't have to wait too long, though. The most effective fastball-hitting North Sider is Derrek Lee (14th in MLB at 20.1)
First White Sox man doesn't appear until Paul Konerko shows up in 54th place at 9.8
I hate Teixeira. Just seems like a big, muscled, sexy douche. Wait, what?

10 Worst Fastball Hitters of 2009

10. Magglio Ordonez (-6.3)
9. Jose Lopez (-6.4)
8. Orlando Cabrera (-6.6)
7. Jeff Francoeur (-6.7)
6. Emilio Bonifacio (-7.6)
5. Randy Winn (-7.8)
4. Edgar Renteria (-8.8)
T-2. Bengie Molina (-10.5)
T-2. Jason Kendall (-10.5)
1. Willy Taveras (-11.5)

Notes:

Taveras' only above average score is 0.5 on split-fingers. He's below average on fastballs, sliders, curves, changeups, cutters, and knucklers. Professional hitter.
3 straight Giants are near the top of the list (Winn, Renteria, Molina).
Francoeur has the lowest score of any player on this list for any secondary pitch (-6.5 on sliders).
Magglio had a +26.9 on fastballs in 2007, good for 22nd in the majors. He was +3.3 in 2008 and now he's 10th-worst in 2009 at -6.3. Either he's aging rapidly or he kicked the performance enhancers.
No Cubs in this list, either. Worst fastball hitter on the team is Ryan Theriot, who is at 50th-worst in the league (but still above average) at +2.2.
The worst fastball hitting player on the White Sox is Alexei Ramirez, 28th-worst in the bigs at -2.2.
7 of the 10 worst fastball hitting players hail from Spanish-speaking countries. Latinos can't hit the fastball unless aided by performance enhancers? Let the stereotyping begin!

Even if this post bored you completely, I had too much fun with it. I really did. Expect more baseball stats that don't really matter in the future. I'm out like Maggs on 93 mph gas.