5 Bad Baseball Players - April 2013

Disclaimer: This series is only concerned with fantasy baseball categories spanning the past two weeks of play.

5th Most Bad: Victor Martinez - C, Detroit Tigers

Numbers: .158 AVG, 0 HR, 4 RBI, 1 R, 0 SB .425 OPS

@tigers OMG VICTOR MARTINEZ SUCKS
— John Cena (@JohnCena1Fan101) April 13, 2013

4th Most Bad: Giancarlo Stanton, OF, Miami Marlins

Face: Intense. Shoulder Status: Ouchie Boo Boo Times.

Numbers: .154 AVG, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 1 R, 0 SB, 11 K in 26 AB

Why So Bad? Stanton has been battling a shoulder injury, which has apparently been restrictive enough that the guy who hits 500 foot bombs is currently being praised for hitting balls to the warning track. Even worse? His terrible numbers are all pre-shoulder injury. Worst of all? He plays for Miami, a team that's drawing 19,000 fans per game. (2nd worst in MLB) Gonna be a rough year. I want no part of any Marlins this season. Stanton included.

3rd Most Bad: Matt Cain - SP, San Francisco Giants

Numbers: 0 W, 1 L, 8 K, 9.28 ERA, 1.69 WHIP

#Tuesdayjoke: 'Go home Matt Cain, you're drunk.' . @sfgiants(Giants v. Brewers tonight at 5:10pm) #gogiants twitter.com/taximagic_SF/s…
— Taxi Magic SF (@taximagic_SF) April 16, 2013

2nd Most Bad: Josh Johnson, SP, Toronto Blue Jays

Here you go, Victor!

Numbers: 0 W, 1 L, 7 K, 11.05 ERA, 2.73 WHIP

Why So Bad? Johnson has a quality start under his belt and is still the hot deuce in April. Not easy to do. But when you allow 6 earned in just over an inning to Victor Martinez and company, welcome to the list. His average fastball is getting closer and closer to dipping under 92 MPH. He's projected to throw around 150 innings and win 7 games this year. Injury prone AND decreasing velocity? Where do I sign??

1st Most Bad: Jason Kipnis, 2B, Cleveland Indians

Numbers: .125 AVG, 0 HR, 2 RBI, 1 R, 0 SB, .390 OPS

Jason Kipnis? More like Hey Son, Kiss This. #fantasyadvice #guru
— Luke Trayser (@TrukeLayser) April 15, 2013

Yes, I just embedded my own tweet. On a related note, follow me on Twitter.

We need to talk about this Carhartt commercial

Conflicting Feelings I Get When Watching This Commercial

1. I want to build enduring structures, then immediately tear them down.

How badly do you want to go destroy something right now? I'm so jacked up, I can't even see straight. I just tried to rip my Equaline Instant Hand Sanitizer in half, but plastic is pretty strong. I might stand up and find some scissors later to finish the job.

I don't just want to destroy things. Oddly enough, I'm now filled with an intense desire to take a bunch of materials and use them to make one larger material. What is this feeling? Is my brain bleeding? This is not normal.

By the way, when it says THIS SHIRT HAS TO BUILD STADIUMS, NOT PLAY IN THEM the one guy with the arms is swinging the sledgehammer like a baseball bat. Wonderful editing.

2. I like girls and am married to one, but that one guy with the arms seems nice.

Look at that guy and his arms. I want to be friends with him and them. I want him to drop that sledgehammer and carry me away to safety. I shouldn't be in this crumbling structure that you're so capably destroying! Save me!

3. I want one of these shirts but am not allowed to have one.

Carhartt's checkout process requires you to kill a forest-dwelling mammal and to get one tattoo on your arm and one on your calf. Oh and speaking of calfs, I thought it was a little odd when I was told (just after entering my billing information) that before my shirt would be shipped, I had to nurse a calf to adulthood and then, and I quote, "consume it." Slightly offputting.

One final note: The line

YOU CAN LEAVE THE CITY WHEN IT GETS HOT
WE'RE GOING TO STAY AND BUILD IT.

is so, so good.

Carlos Marmol Trade Watch: Opening Day and All is Lost

I play fantasy baseball. It sucks. I have Carlos Marmol on my team. He sucks. Dan Bardin has Kyuji Fujikawa on his team. He's okay. This is the ongoing saga of a surely futile endeavor to make a trade happen.

April 1, 2013. The Chicago Cubs recently secured an Opening Day victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates. The final score was 3-1. Anthony Rizzo did great things. The Cubs are undefeated. But it doesn't matter because CARLOS MARMOL IS RUINING MY LIFE A THIRD OF AN INNING AT A TIME.

He started the 9th and tried to lock up the save. LOL at that. I wasn't watching because MLB TV blacks out local games (classy!), but I assume he was throwing left handed in an effort to lower his trade value even further. He got one man out, allowed one run across, and left two on base when he departed.

Kyuji Fujikawa got the save instead. Of course he did. Dan Bardin: let's make a deal.

DAN BARDIN: ACCEPT THIS TRADE PROPOSAL. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?