Cole Hamels' Wife Is a Selfish Distraction

Oh sure, Heidi Hamels. Go ahead and go into labor just as your husband and his teammates embark on their arduous quest to repeat as World Series champions. By all means! In fact, why don't you take a load off! Would you like some ice cream? Perhaps some peanut butter and Oreos? I hear you're a fan.

/Watches 5 minutes of Survivor, vomits.

Your husband Colbert (lmao) tried to give his team a 2-0 lead heading west into Colorado, but because of you, he only pitched 5 innings and gave up 4 earned runs (a 7.20 ERA for you math whizzes) and is now in line for the loss. He was thinking about his wife and his first child and how his life will never be the same. You did this to him. You destroyed Philadelphia sports.

Breaking News As I'm Writing This Post: Cole Hamels has left the ballpark to be with his wife, who is currently stripping for peanut butter and Oreos on a stale CBS reality show in labor.

You selfish hussy! How dare you destroy Philadelphia's chance at two straight titles! Their fans are saints! They deserve only the best!

Don't give me that look, jungle woman! I'm onto you. I know your game. You snagged a ballplayer and entered baby-needing freakout mode once you turned 30. You women. You're all the same. You latch onto 25-year-old, left handed, World Series MVP-winning pitchers like it's going out of style. Don't act like you don't!

I know how this went down, Heidi. It's an all too familiar story.

(January 2009)

Heidi Hamels: Colbert? I'm 30. Mama needs a bun in the oven.

Cole Hamels: ...boobies?

HH: (rolling eyes) Yes, Colbert. Boobies. Very good. Now get over here. Let's get to babymaking. Try for triplets! OMG COLBERT TRY FOR TRIPLETS! (jumps up and down, holds up three fingers)

CH: ...changeup?

HH: Colbert! Pay attention to me! I am your wife and I am super cereal! In this house, three fingers means "triplets" and not "changeup!" Now give me the ol' 4-seamer!

And so, 9 months later, you went into labor, Heidi. On the very day your husband was due to put a stranglehold on the Colorado Rockies, no less. But now the Rockies will take Mr. Momentum and ride him all the way into the World Series against the Yankees, where they will stage a dramatic upset in one of the greatest rebound stories in sports history.

Basically, Heidi, your selfish baby-needing will bring heartbreak and anguish to millions of Phillies and Yankees fans.

Philadelphians and New Yorkers, the greatest, most tolerable and least annoying, most friendly, most knowledgeable, most deserving and saintly fans on earth, will be wallowing in their own tears and fecal matter.

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you.