Why Shutter Island Will Kick All Kinds of Ass

Well, I just finished reading Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane (published in 2003, look how ahead of the curve I am!), and after reading it, I'm certain of one thing: It's going to blow your mind. I'm gonna go ahead and guarantee it. The film was originally slated to be released this month, but Paramount recently decided to push it to February 2010. That's fine. Seems like a Valentine's Day movie instead of a Halloween one.

I can't say enough about the book. Knowing it's in Scorsese's and Leo's capable hands makes me 100% certain that Shutter Island is going to be an unforgettable moviegoing experience. Leo plays Teddy Daniels, a US Marshal in the 1950s who's sent to investigate Shutter Island, a last-resort, eerie psychiatric ward where things aren't as they seem. He's joined by castmembers by Mark "13 Going on 30 Is Kind of My Best Film" Ruffalo and Ben "I'm Not Actually a Chess Instructor, Stop Asking Me" Kingsley.

I won't give any spoilers away, which is going to be brutal on me. I started reading the book under the impression the movie would be released in October, heard the news that it was pushed back to February, and couldn't stop reading because it was just too good. Now I have to keep the story's secrets bottled up for four months.

You need to read the book so we can talk about it. Do it and then we'll talk in the comment section, ruining it for the other 2 people who read this blog. Do it. Do it for Leo. It's what he'd want. Whisper it like Dr. Evil. Leo!

Cole Hamels' Wife Is a Selfish Distraction

Oh sure, Heidi Hamels. Go ahead and go into labor just as your husband and his teammates embark on their arduous quest to repeat as World Series champions. By all means! In fact, why don't you take a load off! Would you like some ice cream? Perhaps some peanut butter and Oreos? I hear you're a fan.

/Watches 5 minutes of Survivor, vomits.

Your husband Colbert (lmao) tried to give his team a 2-0 lead heading west into Colorado, but because of you, he only pitched 5 innings and gave up 4 earned runs (a 7.20 ERA for you math whizzes) and is now in line for the loss. He was thinking about his wife and his first child and how his life will never be the same. You did this to him. You destroyed Philadelphia sports.

Breaking News As I'm Writing This Post: Cole Hamels has left the ballpark to be with his wife, who is currently stripping for peanut butter and Oreos on a stale CBS reality show in labor.

You selfish hussy! How dare you destroy Philadelphia's chance at two straight titles! Their fans are saints! They deserve only the best!

Don't give me that look, jungle woman! I'm onto you. I know your game. You snagged a ballplayer and entered baby-needing freakout mode once you turned 30. You women. You're all the same. You latch onto 25-year-old, left handed, World Series MVP-winning pitchers like it's going out of style. Don't act like you don't!

I know how this went down, Heidi. It's an all too familiar story.

(January 2009)

Heidi Hamels: Colbert? I'm 30. Mama needs a bun in the oven.

Cole Hamels: ...boobies?

HH: (rolling eyes) Yes, Colbert. Boobies. Very good. Now get over here. Let's get to babymaking. Try for triplets! OMG COLBERT TRY FOR TRIPLETS! (jumps up and down, holds up three fingers)

CH: ...changeup?

HH: Colbert! Pay attention to me! I am your wife and I am super cereal! In this house, three fingers means "triplets" and not "changeup!" Now give me the ol' 4-seamer!

And so, 9 months later, you went into labor, Heidi. On the very day your husband was due to put a stranglehold on the Colorado Rockies, no less. But now the Rockies will take Mr. Momentum and ride him all the way into the World Series against the Yankees, where they will stage a dramatic upset in one of the greatest rebound stories in sports history.

Basically, Heidi, your selfish baby-needing will bring heartbreak and anguish to millions of Phillies and Yankees fans.

Philadelphians and New Yorkers, the greatest, most tolerable and least annoying, most friendly, most knowledgeable, most deserving and saintly fans on earth, will be wallowing in their own tears and fecal matter.

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you.

WTF? Why Does Google Have a Barcode?

The #14 topic at Google Trends right now is "why does google have a barcode." Coincidentally, the #16 topic is currently "am i a mouth-breathing ape."

Tip for all of you computer users: If you hover your mouse over Google's customized logo, you'll see a message giving you the reason for the change. Here's an explanation.

What "hover your mouse" means:

• Keep the mouse completely still for a second or two. Do not move it.
  

What "hover your mouse" doesn't mean:

• Shove the mouse in every direction like an air hockey mallet. Screech like a howler monkey.
• Lift your mouse several inches into the air and leave it hanging there. Make UFO noises.
  

If you hover over Google's logo today, you'll see the message "Invention of the Bar Code," eliminating the need to search for a reason for the confusing logo change. Try it out for yourself!

And technically, if you slide your mouse over the Google logo and then try the "lift the mouse, make UFO noises" technique, that would actually work. Just don't let anyone see you do it.

Jared Allen Spills His Redneck Mullet All Over My Dreams

We're back with yet another installment of the insanely unpopular series "Luke Talks About His Fantasy Teams!" This should be a good one, buckle up. Click the image to enlarge it.

Above is the summary of my Week 4 in fantasy football, which is downright hilarious. I was up against a team who's absolutely loaded and somehow contained Brady, Wayne and Purple Jesus. Things were looking good. And then Jared Allen decided to collect 4.5 sacks (a Monday Night Football record) and a safety, which I'm pretty sure I could have done too if I were up against Green Bay's dynamite left tackle, Simple Jack.


And yes, our league has 3 individual defensive players, something I defy any other league in the entire United States to match. As you can see, Allen collected 29 points, more than Peterson and Wayne had in Week 4 combined. I lost by 0.6 points because of this man.

"I've never had a day like that," sang Allen in a ridiculous hillbilly twang. Then he collected his massive paycheck (a little more than $750,000 per game) and bought another house, while I watched an episode of House on DVR.  We're practically twins!

I realized something last night. Sometimes life is great, and sometimes Jared Allen does 4.5 calf-roping celebrations in one game and takes a shit on your face.

Why My Friends Hate Me: Fantasy Football 2009 Edition

My fantasy football team is horrendous. They played out of their minds to get a rare win in Week 3, and they're now 1-2 on the year. Downtown Dan Bardin is sitting pretty, alone in 1st place, a feat he marked by changing his team name to "MerilHodge'sTieKnot."

Instead of letting the guy have his moment, I decided to change my own team name from Air(Holes) McNair to what you see in the #8 spot. (click pic to enlarge) For those of you claiming I'm a jerkoff because 1) It's too soon to make a McNair joke and 2) I should let Dan Bardin enjoy his moment in the sun, 1) Whatever. McNair cheated on his wife and wrecked his family because he got with an unstable 20 year old and 2) You may have a point.

This concludes another episode of Why My Friends Hate Me. I'll wrap this up with a classic Seinfeld moment. Y'all come back reeeeeal

/door slam

Hey Asshat: I Don't Want to Play Mafia Wars.

No. I do not have 5 minutes.

Just as the invites to play Mafia Wars from my hundreds upon hundreds of friends on Facebook start to die down, I'm greeted with this ad.

Follow this advice, people: If something is being given to you for free, it's probably going to suck. If we're talking video game simulations, then this is true 100% of the time.

If you're saying I shouldn't knock it until I try it, I'll ask you what you think about suicide, you'll express your hatred of it, I'll ask if you've ever tried it, you'll say no, I'll call you a hypocrite, the end.

You know what I'm gonna do instead of Mafia Wars? I don't know either. I might watch Curb or Arrested Development on DVD. Maybe I'll play NHL 10 or MLB 09 The Show. Or Tiger Woods 10, Mario Galaxy or the new Metroid Prime collection. I might read Brothers, the awesome bio on John and Robert Kennedy. What do these awesome options have in common? They all cost money.

19 million people per month play Mafia Wars. Therefore, I am smarter than at least 19 million people, for I have figured out that paying for your entertainment is the best way to be entertained.

Figure it out, reeds.

The Top 10 Fastballs in Baseball

As of today, the best fastball in 2009 belongs to Randy effing Wolf. I know, I thought the same thing. But according to the glorious stat nerds over at FanGraphs, the Wolfman has the most effective heater in all of Major League Baseball. Wolf has been on fire since the All-Star Break. I don't have time to check my notes, but I'm pretty sure he's gone 34-0 in that time. Not bad.

As they say in baseball all the time(I think), location is far more important than velocity. This would certainly make sense since Wolf's average fastball blazes by at an even 89 MPH, which coincidentally is what my 4-seamer was clocked at in 2nd grade. But enough about me, let's get to the lists. Here are the 10 best and worst fastballs (and we're talking effectiveness, not velocity) in MLB. The numbers in parentheses signify Runs Above Average, which basically evaluates a certain player compared to league averages and assigns that player either a positive or negative number in a certain category.

10 Best Fastballs in MLB

10. J.A. Happ (18.0)
9. Josh Johnson (18.4)
8. Scott Baker (19.5)
7. Chris Carpenter (20.3)
5. Matt Cain (24.1)
5. Zack Greinke (24.1)
4. Justin Verlander (24.5)
3. Joel Pineiro (24.6)
2. Clayton Kershaw (26.4)
1. Randy Wolf (28.9)

Notes:

• Every guy on this list is a starting pitcher. Seattle closer David Aardsma just missed the cut with the 11th best heater.
• Wolf and Kershaw are both Dodgers, Carpenter and Pineiro (WTF?) both Cardinals. Sounds like Rick Honeycutt and Dave Duncan are dynamite pitching coaches.
• Carpenter has three pitches that are at least 10 runs above average(fastball, slider, curve). Pretty sure he's the only one. If that's wrong, let me know.
• Ted Lilly has the best fastball on the Cubs (+15.7, 13th in MLB)
• Matt Thornton has the White Sox's best fastball (+6.9, 65th in MLB)
• When I wrote this post on the best and worst fastball hitters, Jarrod Washburn had the league's best fastball. Since joining Detroit he has taken a nose dive to 16th in the league.
• Verlander(95.5 MPH), Johnson(95.1 MPH) and Kershaw(93.9 MPH) have the 3 fastest average heaters on this list. Happ(89.7), Pineiro(89.0 MPH) and Wolf(89.0 MPH) have the 3 slowest.
  

10 Worst Fastballs in MLB

10. Joe Blanton (-13.6)
9. A.J. Burnett (-14.3)
7. Bronson Arroyo (-14.8)
7. Zach Duke (-14.8)
6. Chris Volstad (-15.8)
5. Ricky Nolasco (-16.3)
4. Livan Hernandez (-16.5)
3. Trevor Cahill (-16.8)
2. Kenshin Kawakami (-19.1)
1. Carl Pavano (-20.6)

Notes:

• The picture is of Carl Pavano telling us which pitch he prefers to throw. Other than that, I have no notes. These guys blow.

WTF?

Facebook Ad References Obama, Makes Me Angry

It's too early in the morning for this. I guess it's what I deserve for thinking something interesting might hit my profile at 9 am.

Every morning I check Facebook before my email. That way I'm surprised at any overnight activity on my Wall. While my page loads I close my eyes, cross my fingers and whisper "please please please" over and over. It's a surprisingly effective method. You gotta want it.

An overwhelming sense of despair hits me when my Wall looks the same as it did the day before. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down completely are the Facebook Ads in the sidebar. At least you know me, Facebook Ads. You're always there.

Or so I thought. Here's what greeted me this morning.

First, I have a degree. Yeah, it's an English degree, but I'm pretty sure that still counts. Second, who is this reed in the ad? It looks like he showed up for an esurance commercial audition stoned out of his mind. He only shows up for these auditions so his dad will keep paying his rent and he can keep "searching for the perfect wave, brah." Whatever that means.

Side note: The term "reed" is courtesy of Nick Hall at Yummy Bro, a pretty solid blog. Check him out. Click here for the explanation.

Obama says get a vasectomy! Obama says read this socialism pamphlet! Obama says the Craftsman DYS 4500 is the best riding mower on the market! Does anyone actually click these things? If you do, you're a big fat idiot.

Please write on my Wall.

2009 US Open: Crazy Federer Video

Men's Final Underway; Federer Dominating

Roger Federer has already taken the first set and it looks like he'll be taking the 2nd shortly. Here's a video to shock and amaze you. My thanks to avid reader BC for the alerting me. And by "avid reader BC" I of course mean "a guy who's aware that this blog exists."

This Week in Unintended Irony: ESPN & Brian Urlacher

Urlacher wrist injury yields pessimism, yearning for hockey season

This is a screenshot taken from espn.com at around noon today and the Nike advertisement that ran underneath the Monday links. I expected that by clicking my mouse and unleashing Urlacher, I'd be a witness to his lightning-quick texting skills, which he used to alert the Chicago Tribune of his injury status. He was apparently able to fight through the wrist pain that comes with sending a text. What a warrior.

Instead the Nike ad showed Urlacher glaring like Michael Vick just Facebooked his dog. He then hulked out on some dude and then glared at me one more time before leaving, presumably to "get his text on."

In case you're having trouble seeing the irony (either because the font is too small or you're an idiot), this Nike ad that showed Urlacher the Undertaker wreaking havoc ran directly underneath a headline saying the Bears' linebacker was out for the season with a wrist boo-boo.

Ok, fine, I've never had a dislocated wrist. It's probably unthinkable amounts of pain that would make me pass out if I had to tolerate it. And to his credit, #54 hurt his wrist fairly early on and played the rest of the 1st half despite the injury. Kind of manly. I'm just venting here.

I mean, It's been a brutal year for Chicago baseball. Chicagoans (both North and South siders) checked out a while ago, looking forward to football season. There was hope for this Bears team. They signed a quarterback. A real one! Yeah, he's kind of a stuck up asshat, and yeah, his decision making and leadership skills are questionable at best, but he can fire a ball 70 yards and thread it anywhere he wants with incredible precision!

Four interceptions later, it's clear Cutler has a vast amount of skill and not a lot of brainpower. It seems that he has so much faith in his cannon arm that he believes he can execute difficult throws in any position. This is why he was so comfortable throwing the ball off his back foot, rolling right or fading away while rolling right.

No, his receivers and his line didn't do him any favors. But transcendent quarterbacks elevate their receivers and fire the ball away quick enough to keep holes in the offensive line patched. Cutler is probably the most physically gifted quarterback in the NFL right now, but he's not transcendent. That says something about how dysfunctional his non-physical skills are.

Meanwhile, Pittsburgh is coming to town to drop the Bears to 0-2, and they're missing their defensive anchor for the entire season.

See you in 2010. Let's go Hawks!