House intro begins, complete with 'Teardrop' by Massive Attack. Good song.
Shot of Princeton-Plainsboro. Not a real hospital.
DR. LISA CUDDY
House, you're late.
DR. GREGORY HOUSE
How dare you! In case you haven't noticed, I walk with a limp. The fact that you expect me to have the punctuality of my able-bodied colleagues is insulting. You can avoid a future lawsuit by allowing me to stare at those sweater melons for a full 10 seconds.
Cuddy flashes a look of flattered anger. It's a complicated emotion. Ten seconds pass.
Well, what have you got for me?
You actually want to know? Are you feeling ok?
No and yes.
He walks away.
A woman is bleeding green.
Maybe she's an alien!
Cut to the room where the doctors brainstorm together and come up with nothing but incorrect diagnoses. House enters to find everyone else already there. Dr. Remy "Thirteen" Hadley, Dr. Lawrence Kutner, Dr. Chris Taub, and Dr. Eric Foreman(no relation to Eric Forman of That '70s Show. Way to be original, FOX) do not say hello to House. He does not respond well to small talk.
Isn't sexy MILF a little redundant?
You're fired. Sexy MILF admitted with a cut on her hand.
Why would you waste our time with a case like this?
She's bleeding green.
The doctors exchange mandatory looks of shock. They are obviously in complete disbelief. I mean, patients are typically so normal at Princeton-Plainsboro.
It could be lupus. Does she have any joint pain?
It's never lupus. Taub's an idiot.
It's never lupus. Don't be an idiot. Could be toe cancer. Tumors on or near the left big toe have been known to cause blood discolorations.
Perfect. Foreman, break into her apartment to see if she's hiding something. You DO know how to properly B&E, right? Oh, that's right. You're black.
Foreman flashes an I-can't-believe-I-still-effing-work-here face.
Thirteen, Kutner, biopsy all of her toes. Taub, test for gangrene.
Gangrene? There's no way this woman could possibly...
It's a joke! Gan-GRENE? Get it? Green?
The 4 doctors stare in disbelief.
Ok, fine. Get a bone marrow biopsy.
Cut to House entering the office of Dr. James Wilson, House's BFF.
You're a robot devoid of emotion. I can't believe you enjoy the company of prostitutes.
I can't believe you DON'T enjoy the company of prostitutes!
Male bonding is complete. House exits.
House enters his patient's room.
I am your doctor, so let's assume two things. First, I am better than you. Second, you are lying.
Note to self: Add 'hearing loss' to list of symptoms. How often to you use drugs?
House exits. He's a badass. Cut to the meeting room.
Biopsy was negative for toe cancer.
Ditto for bone marrow.
I found meth and ecstacy in her apartment. I, uh, don't have it on me though. Is anyone else noticing that Taub is much hotter than usual right now?
I haven't said anything in a while. Did you guys know that I'm a bisexual with a drug problem? Just like my character was in The O.C. Wow, FOX sure is original!
RANDOM HOSPITAL EMPLOYEE:
Your patient is crashing!
The doctors rush out. Cut to patient's room. Dr. Robert Chase is covered in green goo.
There's so much blood! This woman has no chance to survive! Wait! Can we go to commercial? Quick, go to commercial! Get a crash cart in here!
Cut to commercial. We return to Princeton-Plainsboro and the patient, as usual, is fully stable. Commercials cure all wounds, apparently. Very subtle message, FOX. Meanwhile, House is in Wilson's office once again.
Any luck with your patient?
Any luck finding a woman that won't leave you via divorce or death?
Wow. I cannot believe I continue to reach out to you. I don't know why I bother. It's like you're from another planet.
Epiphany music starts to build as House gets a glazed, faraway look in his eyes. FOX wants us to recognize this light bulb moment.
Yes...from another planet.
House exits swiftly. As swiftly as a cripple can exit, anyway. Wilson flashes a "that's my House!" look. Cut to patient's room.
Good news! You're going to be fine. Turns out you're an alien.
Patient sobs softly.
Your reaction tells me two things. First, you're a woman. Second, you knew this all along. This all would have been easier had you just told us the truth from the start. I told you I'm better than you. Thirteen, start her on vinegar and cherry limeade from Sonic. That will negate her alien properties.
Want to make out?
Are you talking to me or the patient?
Both of you!
Everyone in the room laughs and does a jumping high five. The end.