Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Killer dolphins! Volcano lightning! (Today on Flipboard)

There's a mobile app called Flipboard that pulls in stories from around the world in a visually stunning way. You should download it. Here are some stories that were on my board today. My opinions do not reflect anyone else's because I am an idiot.


Ukraine Might Have Trained 'Killer' Dolphins That Might Have Escaped
Might have trained? Might have escaped? Pffff. I am not scared.


Trained Soviet Attack Dolphins With Head-Mounted Guns Are On The Loose
killer dolphin has gun
You now have my attention. It should be said that the ambiguity in story numero uno is for good reason. It's not clear if the Ukraine trained killer dolphins. And if they did, it's not clear if the dolphins were armed when they escaped.

Regardless, I think it's great that Ukraine uses Treehouse of Horror episodes of The Simpsons as a national defense strategy. If you're a Ukrainian groundskeeper named Willie, you should probably flee. Your death is imminent.


Terrifying Volcanic Lightning Photographed by Martin Rietze
Just look at those photos.


Here's Ricky Rubio doing Ricky Rubio things. Derrick Rose and whoever is influencing him to stay off the court should pay attention here. Remember when Rubio first came back from his ACL injury? He looked bad. Not himself. Yesterday? First career triple double, and that silky smooth double-behind-the-back hesitation move on top of it.

The next step in Rose's rehab is to play games. He's not going to get to 100% by doing nothing but practicing. He needs to get on the court. End of Chicago rant.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Mississippi to keep its children fat and stupid

anti bloomberg
Here are some facts about The Hospitality State.

Its nickname is The Hospitality State. I ruined that surprise. My bad.
Its state flag is wonderfully Confederate.
Its state bird is the mockingbird.
Its capital city is Jackson.
It is the fattest state in the country, and it's a bottom-five place to educate your kids.

You can thank the state's priorities for the education fact. South Dakota is the only state that pays its teachers less than the $40,000 Mississippi teachers get per year. But rest assured, Mississippians! Your kids will be chubby and lethargic while they're receiving their schooling.

It all started with Mayor Michael Bloomberg in New York City. His plan to limit the size of soft drinks was pooped upon by a judge and a gavel. Mississippi politicians, evidently feeling the reverberations of the Bloomberg Bill in their fat little cankles, moved as quickly as their 110 BPM resting heart rates would allow.

The Anti-Bloomberg Bill (not making it up; that's seriously its name) bars counties and towns from passing legislation requiring restaurants to post calorie counts. It also bars caps on portion sizes. You know, because it's not like obesity is a bigger health crisis than hunger or anything.

The Anti-Bloomberg Bill is expected to be signed by Governor Phil Bryant after waddling through the Mississippi House to the tune of a 50 to 1 vote. The lone naysayer, by the way, was executed and eaten.

My favorite quote comes from one Representative Gregory Holloway.

"Rep. Gregory Holloway, a Democrat, ushered the popular bill through the state House. He says the goal is to create consistency in nutrition laws across the state. "We don't want local municipalities experimenting with labeling of foods and any organic agenda. We want that authority to rest with the legislature," Holloway says."

Organic agenda.

You can practically see him giving an under-the-table to ADM and Cargill. Mayor Bloomberg, keep your hands off this man's processed foods.

Rep. Holloway can be emailed at