Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The #1 Reason Why Winter Blows and Other Holiday Observations

What do you hate most about winter? For me, this is an easy one.

It's 7 in the morning. The sun may or may not be rising; there's too much cloud cover to tell. You forgot to start the car in advance because you're a big, fat Reed and so you head from your warm, comfortable home to your icicle of a ride.

The blast of cold is like a punch to the stomach. It hits you immediately. You groan like the pathetic little girl that you are, curse your life, and for whatever reason you continue to march toward your car. You unlock the door, open it, and lower yourself into the front seat.

And that, right there, is the #1 reason winter blows.

You might think entering the car brings some relief. Wrong. The interior of the car is just as cold as it is outside. You can see your breath while you're inside. Even after starting the car, it'll take around 5 minutes for it to start cranking out the heat. This is the worst 5 minutes of the entire day.

And I forgot to mention that the physical act of lowering yourself into the car is a total shitshow. Somehow, during the 30 seconds it took you to walk to your vehicle, your pants have frozen solid. It doesn't matter if you're wearing denim or khaki. And so, as you bend your legs to get into your car, your frozen pants greet your helpless legs in new and horrifying ways. It's a feeling too uncomfortable to accurately describe. It's gotten to the point where I'll hesitate to lower myself into the car. I'd rather be exposed outside in the sub-zero temperatures than bend my legs and get myself into the car.

Let this be a warning to those of you lucky enough to have mild, or perhaps even warm, winters. Do not come up here. For any reason. Oh, you have family in Wisconsin? That's wonderful. Visit them on the 4th. What's that? Grandma is sick up in the Dakotas? Send her an effing eCard. Do not come up here in winter. Ever.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Michael Bay is a Genius

For Yahoo!'s Top Ten Domestic Grossing Films of 2009, do the clickity click.

Michael Bay is a big, fat idiot. Luckily for him, so is the general moviegoing public. Let's take a look at the films he's directed in his career and how much they've pulled in worldwide.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What to get her this Christmas

To the fellas out there: How awful is Christmas shopping? Can I get a harrumph? What's her pants size again? Did I give her jewelry last year? Does she really need a waterproof disposable camera? If you spend too much, you weren't thoughtful enough. If you were too thoughtful, you didn't spend nearly enough. If only there were some miracle gift that perfectly symbolized precisely how much you love your lady while also running you somewhere between $40 and $200, the perfect holiday amount. Well, get ready for a Christmas miracle, because the perfect gift is here!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Thanks, PokerStars!

I've been playing some solid poker lately, and I've been feeling that I'm on the verge of something big. I entered PokerStars' $10 tournament that guaranteed $20K in the prize pool, meaning the winner would likely get somewhere in the neighborhood of $4,000. While that's not my biggest single-day cash (I'm kind of awesome), it's still a great amount of money, especially considering it costs just 10 bucks to enter.

Spirits were high. I was ready to dominate every European idiot I came across, a tall order indeed. Before I could even scope out the other dead men at my table, I was dealt JJ on the 2nd hand. 

I absolutely HATE pocket jacks. They're exceptionally difficult to play. They look beautiful, but in reality there are 3 overcards out there that can easily trump them. The blinds were at 10/20 and I was in early position. Wanting to be careful, I opened with a bet of 64 chips and got 3 callers.

With 3 callers, I was pretty much ready to toss the hand away. It was really early on in the tournament and I didn't want to get into a macho shoving match with someone else at the table and OH HI THERE FULL HOUSE!

The flop came 4 - 4 - J. A monster hand. HUGE. One of the 3 callers threw out a small bet of 60 and scared the other two off. I called. Turn was irrelevant. He bet 60 again. I raised to around 400. He called immediately. River was irrelevant. I bet around 700, and he raised all-in. What an idiot! Thanks for the early boost, amigo! I called immediately. And saw this.

And that, my friends, is a classic PokerStars ass slamming.

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This Is My Life

This is a typical morning at work.

This is a typical afternoon at work.

And It's All Because of This Video

I must have missed something, because most people are convinced this is hilarious. To the creator of this video: thank you for unleashing this slice of madness on my comfy little life. I can only hope justice and irony collaborate in the near future to drive you to insanity and eventually suicide because of the phrase "Hey Apple!"

I'm not being entirely serious, though. I don't wish death upon you; that's downright cruel. However, someone repeatedly kicking you in the balls and rendering you impotent while maniacally screaming HEY APPLE! is something I can definitely get on board with. For the love of humanity, do not reproduce.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Pandora: Totally Realer Than the Moon

It's official: you need to see Avatar. In 3D and possibly on IMAX. But at the very least, scope Pandora out in 3D. Just how great does this film look? For an explanation, first allow me this tangent.

What is it with the moon? Seems fake, right? It just floats up there beyond our atmosphere, where no life exists. It's totally a prop. I mean, how many people can actually testify to walking on its surface, grabbing some killer Moon rocks, playing golf in zero gravity? 10? 20?

And the Moon isn't a special case. Every orb moving through outer space seems absolutely fake. Here's the hierarchy of how real these giant balls of stuff seem from my perspective.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Two Movies Out This Weekend Not Named Avatar

We all know James Cameron, his large ego and his even larger mean streak (proof) are going to dominate the box office this weekend with Avatar. Much has been written about whether the film will change filmmaking forever or if it will be the first Waterworld of the 21st century. Personally, I'm stoked to meet the Na'vi and am hoping the film succeeds. But that's all I'll write about it here.

Amid the hullaballoo (spell check didn't give that word a red underline, so apparently I spelled it correctly), a couple new films are getting lost. For one, that seems to be a downright shame. For the other, it's probably a good thing. Let's check them out.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

A Collection of Nicknames I've Held (With Analysis!)

Don't worry, this picture is relevant. Let's get right to it.

The Nickname: Puke

The Cause: My name is Luke, which rhymes with puke. Kids are clever!

The Effect: This lasted for roughly a three year stretch between 3rd and 5th grade, so I honestly don't remember how I took this one. Considering I wore sweatpants every single day in elementary school (I'm not joking) and I also cried on a daily basis (again, not joking), I'll theorize that I didn't exactly cherish being called Puke.

Today, a few people still call me Puke every once in while, most of them being my older cousins. I can dig this. As I've matured, I've come to realize that I'm a badass and the people who call me Puke do it as a way to bond. At least, this is what I tell myself as I sob into my pillow before I go to sleep.

Monday, December 14, 2009

How to Make Your League's Fantasy Football Playoffs

For those of you wondering where to direct the fan mail (stop flooding my inbox, people! I'm only one man!), I do a majority of the writing here on Common Vents. Downtown Dan chimes in whenever an African-American musician dies or he has some social media pet peeves to get off his chest.

Here's something else you don't know about the wonderful friendship Dan and I share: I hate him. He really is a deplorable human being, someone who needs to be put in his place at every possible opportunity. Thankfully, Dan loves to completely blow in one particular area of his life: fantasy sports.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Jason Whitlock + Tiger Woods = Twu Wuv

Jason Whitlock is a capable sports journalist. By that I mean he's capable of making his readers feel awkward about racial issues. He's capable of taking a journalistic stance that opposes the general public, a majority of the media and common sense in general in order to get web traffic. He's capable of downing 2 triples with bacon and cheese from Wendy's in under 5 minutes. He recently wrote yet another article about the whole Tiger Woods thing, and there are so many points of his with which I take issue that I figured I'd just do it here. I'm breaking this thing down FJM-style. Let's get right to it.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

5 Randomly Assorted Killer Song Intros

A great song intro gets into your head and doesn't get out. They can come from any source, some expected and some completely surprising. Here are 5 killer and completely unrelated intros.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Why I Won't See The Blind Side

This past weekend at the box office was a putrid suckfest only @ArmondWhite could love. The Blind Side led the way with $20M, and the next 9 movies all received the coveted "rotten" rating on RT. Are any of these movies worth seeing? Well, apparently The Blind Side is. Right?

Wrong. Let's break it down.

The Plot (does not contain spoilers):  The true story of Michael Oher, a gargantuan inner city kid with no education to speak of who's taken in by an influential white family. Big Mike excels at left tackle for his high school football team and earns a scholarship to an SEC school.

Okay, you got me. That contained spoilers. Sorry I'm a badass.

Why I won't see it: I read the book, and it was awesome. 98% of the time the book is better than the movie. Plus, books don't have Sandra Bullock. This is generally a good thing.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Douche: It's Not Funny Anymore

Remember 2006? I sure do. It wasn't too long ago. Who could forget when Russia cut natural gas to Ukraine over a price dispute to start the year? I know I can't! Good times.

I remember playing Halo 2 and poker with friends, missing Dave Chappelle and realizing the comedic potential of the word douche. Since then, things have gone through subtle changes. I still play first person shooters and poker, but now it's all online as I no longer have friends. I now miss Dave Chappelle's stand up more than his sketch comedy show. The one thing that's totally different is the word 'douche.' It's no longer funny.