Friday, December 11, 2009

Jason Whitlock + Tiger Woods = Twu Wuv

Jason Whitlock is a capable sports journalist. By that I mean he's capable of making his readers feel awkward about racial issues. He's capable of taking a journalistic stance that opposes the general public, a majority of the media and common sense in general in order to get web traffic. He's capable of downing 2 triples with bacon and cheese from Wendy's in under 5 minutes. He recently wrote yet another article about the whole Tiger Woods thing, and there are so many points of his with which I take issue that I figured I'd just do it here. I'm breaking this thing down FJM-style. Let's get right to it.

There's more money and less intellectual effort in judging, vilifying and diminishing Tiger Woods than in providing the public a lens to understand him and a sports world/culture that long ago was perverted by television's money and fame.

"There's money involved in judging and vilifying Tiger, now watch me argue in the other direction in an effort to boost traffic and make more money."

Armed with the supposition that this brown-skinned golfer has irreversibly harmed an attractive, blonde-haired, blue-eyed white woman, much of the sports media have turned Elin Nordegren into Natalee Holloway and reached for ratings and relevancy by traveling the route paved by Nancy Grace.

Whitlock is talking about race? Get out of town! This is one of the world's most infuriating catch 22s. I want to call Whitlock out for constantly playing the race card even when it isn't necessary to do so, but I can't make that accusation without being called a racist. Where does Whitlock get the stones to continue to make such outlandish claims? He makes more money and his life is more comfortable than virtually all of his readers, regardless of their respective races. WHY KEEP BRINGING THIS UP? Are you that starved for material?

If we choose, we, the media, can do our job and put Tiger's transgressions in their proper context and explain to the public what happened to the perceived traditional ideals of the sports world.

Make way for Mahatma Whitlock! No, seriously, make way! Back up a little more, dude. This guy might weigh over 400 pounds.

The high-character values and morality we've ascribed to the male and female athletes who entertain us were a myth in the 20th century and a flat-out impossibility now.

Ah, yes. Every male and female athlete is a cheater, spouse abuser, drunk driver, drug user, murderer and contributor to National Public Radio. All the stories we hear about athletes contributing time and money to charities and being a great parent/spouse are fabrications by the media. Not Whitlock, though. He's one of the good guys.

When television's money and spotlight began turning 20-year-old athletes into instant millionaires, celebrities and brands, the Jordans, Peyton Mannings, LeBron James, Roger Clemens, Tiger Woods and Michael Phelps of the world became no different from Jon Bon Jovi, Mick Jagger, George Clooney, LL Cool J, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, Elizabeth Taylor and Robert Redford.

How many women do you think Jagger bedded in his prime? His wealth, fame and looks pale in comparison to Tiger's. When Phelps returned from the Olympics, he hit a bong and the strip clubs, bedding strippers, according to gossip magazine testimony, two and three at a time. You think when Phelps finds the love of his life, he'll dial it back and satisfy himself with vanilla sex when his wife decides to give it to him?

That's right. Men who grow up eating at five-star steakhouses often happily learn to love Hamburger Helper five nights a week.

Let me get this straight. You're saying that because Tiger consistently pulled in girls from every direction before he was married, there's no reason to think he'd stop doing it after getting married? Actually, there is a reason. It's called marriage. Infidelity is unacceptable after taking the leap. If you don't like it, DON'T GET MARRIED. Otherwise, tough shit. Keep it in your pants.

Phelps is white! That's why people don't care about him bedding stippers! Actually, Whitlock, it's because Phelps is unmarried and can generally do what he wants with women as long as it's consensual.

They would not be America's first adult couple (let alone celebrity couple) to agree that extracurricular sex is acceptable as long it remains non-embarrassing for the other spouse. Since we've legalized assumption, I've chosen to assume Elin's hijacking of Tiger's cell phone and threats to call Jaimee Grubbs were provoked by the National Enquirer or some gossip magazine contacting Tiger, Elin or one of her friends for comment on an upcoming expose about Rachel Uchitel or one of Tiger's bim-hos.

For all we know, his "transgressions" might be the overall sloppiness of his affairs.

Right on, Whitlock. Elin flipped out and took a wedge to her husband's face and Escalade not because she caught him cheating, but because news of his infidelity broke in the pages of the National Enquirer and not the New York Times.

ESPN killed sports journalism. It hired, overpaid and showered our best and brightest with fame, turning many of them into jig-dancing clowns unprepared to insightfully examine the sports world they allegedly cover.

Is this article about Tiger Woods, or was I mistaken? Stream of consciousness as a writing method? Really? Is this a diary or a sports column?

Let's act like golfers, like the majority of wealthy men, don't know the Rachel Uchitels of the world, don't frequent Las Vegas nightclubs where a pool cabana or table bottle service guarantee a parade of drunken Barbie Dolls looking for Mr. Right Now.

In case you're wondering, that's Whitlock in the middle.

Jordan, Ali and Magic all managed to play on their black wives without receiving much criticism. Shaquille O'Neal just finished off the remaining credible pieces of his marriage to a black woman by allegedly having an ongoing affair with Gilbert Arenas' fiancee. No one cares. But this brown-skinned golfer is facing ruin because he cheated on his white wife.

What a crock. Suggesting this story wouldn't be in the news if he weren't married to a white woman is downright racist. Tiger Woods is one of the wealthiest, most famous, most recognizable and most decorated athletes in sports today. Up until Thanksgiving he was thought to be a dedicated golfer, husband and family man.

Turns out he routinely hooked up with no less than two porn stars among who knows how many other women. This is a gigantic story, regardless of his wife's race. Suggesting otherwise is blatantly ignorant. Jason Whitlock is a giant hypocritical whale of a man who needs to find other ways to fill his columns. If he's not familiar with The Boy Who Cried Wolf, he should sit down with the book deduce its moral.

[FOX Sports - "Here's the Truth Behind the Tiger Woods Scandal"]

Note: If you read the entire FOX Sports article, don't read the comments. You will hate humanity.

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  1. Did you know that before ESPN, star athletes were all fine upstanding citizens that were loyal to their wives? Just ask Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, and Babe Ruth.

    I don't know where he was going with the celebrity tangent. Most of the celebs he named are rather upstanding individuals, and Peyton and LeBron have both been relatively clean. It's insulting to drag their names through the mud just for being famous.

  2. Wow - this guy gets paid and his occupation on his 1040 is "journalist"?

    Thanks for sharing. I feel I've read enough without going to the Fox Sports article, let alone the comments.

    May God have mercy on humanity.