Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Why I Won't See The Blind Side

This past weekend at the box office was a putrid suckfest only @ArmondWhite could love. The Blind Side led the way with $20M, and the next 9 movies all received the coveted "rotten" rating on RT. Are any of these movies worth seeing? Well, apparently The Blind Side is. Right?

Wrong. Let's break it down.

The Plot (does not contain spoilers):  The true story of Michael Oher, a gargantuan inner city kid with no education to speak of who's taken in by an influential white family. Big Mike excels at left tackle for his high school football team and earns a scholarship to an SEC school.

Okay, you got me. That contained spoilers. Sorry I'm a badass.

Why I won't see it: I read the book, and it was awesome. 98% of the time the book is better than the movie. Plus, books don't have Sandra Bullock. This is generally a good thing.

I still remember going to see Return of the King (running time: lol um wut? ) when it first came out. We got to the theater late so we had to settle for the front row. Right behind us were a group of LOTR nerds who shouted out "That didn't happen!" or "It was better in the book!" during every scene. That would be me during The Blind Side. As much as I'd love to be on that side of the nerdery (I'm sure it's much more fun), I don't want to ruin the movie for you. I'm that kind of guy.

The Blind Side was such a great book because Michael Lewis combined Big Mike's journey with the history of the left tackle position. Over the years, as the passing game has evolved in football and quarterbacks have become more and more valuable, the left tackle has emerged as the 2nd highest paid position on the field, behind only the quarterback. It makes sense. If the quarterback (who's probably right handed) is the most valuable position on the field, the man protecting his blind side is the second most valuable.

To top it all off, Michael Oher was just drafted in the first round by the Baltimore Ravens. When he was selected, he couldn't fight off the tears. What an incredible journey to the top of his profession.

That's why I won't be seeing The Blind Side. Instead of a fascinating history of an overlooked position combined with one of the best nonfiction stories I've read, I'd get 90 minutes of Sandra Bullock. I might as well listen to Peter Gabriel sing Solsbury Hill 23 straight times. Same. Exact. Thing.

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  1. As a former lineman, and someone who read TBS (supersweetacronym!) I applaud your banning of this film. The pretty boys with their small pads and supermodel girlfriends can't do their job until the big guys with scary beards do theirs. Every week our RB would thank us by name to the game reporter, but did we get in the paper?!? NNNOOOOO, it was all JJ and his 400 yards and and six touchdowns. What about me? HUH? WHAT ABOUT FREAKING ME? Your right, moving around 250-300lb people for an hour and a half is nothing. Damn Hearald.

    I'm sorry, what were we talking about? ....

  2. Typical offensive lineman. Just plain selfish.

    I just watched that Solsbury Hill video for the first time. Gabriel starts out with two microphones in his face (one apparently isn't good enough) and then grabs a bike and rides around the stage. Thousands of people happily paid to see this.

    What in the world is going on?

  3. Not selfish, honest. There's a difference. Yes, I'm still bitter about HS football. I peaked as an average OL. Dammit.

    Peter Gabriel wishes he had Phil Collins' career, hence the microphone and bicycles.

    The people who pay to see that are the same people dumb enough to spend $300 on 3rd balcony seats to the Stones. They're in their 60's. On the other hand, it would be fun to watch burnt-out Keith Richards butcher Sympathy for the Devil.

  4. Actually, you should both see it. The film is good & is book-ended with Joe Theisman getting killed by - was it Ray Lewis? Thus the importance of the RT was born.

    Sandra Bullock is good in it. Tough & very southern.

    See it - you won't regret it.

    P.S. - Can I borrow the book? I want to read it!