Thursday, December 17, 2009

Two Movies Out This Weekend Not Named Avatar

We all know James Cameron, his large ego and his even larger mean streak (proof) are going to dominate the box office this weekend with Avatar. Much has been written about whether the film will change filmmaking forever or if it will be the first Waterworld of the 21st century. Personally, I'm stoked to meet the Na'vi and am hoping the film succeeds. But that's all I'll write about it here.

Amid the hullaballoo (spell check didn't give that word a red underline, so apparently I spelled it correctly), a couple new films are getting lost. For one, that seems to be a downright shame. For the other, it's probably a good thing. Let's check them out.

Film I Am Absolutely Seeing:

Nobody's talking about this movie. There are a few reasons why. 1) It's technically an indie flick, 2) It's competing with Avatar, and 3) It has the worst title since Cinderella Man. I will forever believe Cinderella Man tanked at the box office because it sounded less like a compelling period piece centered around a man who boxed to keep his family alive and more like an animated Disney movie centered around a transvestite.

Crazy Heart could very well be the title of the next film I'm going to talk about, which is not a good thing. It's not a vomit-inducing RomCom. It's a film that Jeff Bridges (supposedly) acts the shit out of, positioning himself for some awards down the line.

Yes, I'm aware the movie is named after the book, which has the same name. But Hollywood routinely takes creative liberties with source material. So much so that that "based on a true story" means absolutely nothing (proof). You're telling me filmmakers are okay with turning Hurricane Carter (a likely murderer) into Denzel but they can't alter a horrendous title? Is this real life? This makes so little sense that I feel like I'm shrooming. I can think of 7 titles off the top of my head that are better than Crazy Heart.

  • Yes, Maggie Gyllenhaal Is In It, But Not That Much
  • Bad Blake Has a Twangy Voice, An Acoustic Guitar and a Drinking Problem
  • This Film Stars Jeff Bridges
  • Armond White Called This Film Racist
  • This Thing Will Be Up For Oscars and You'll Feel Like a Badass When Your Friends Ask If You've Seen It
  • Jeff Bridges Not Doing It For You, Ladies? How About Some Colin Farrell? No? Well, Sure, We Acknowledge He's a Bit of a Prick, But He Has a Nice Smile, Right? At Least Give Us That.
  • 95% On Rotten Tomatoes
All of those titles unequivocally blow and they're still better than Crazy Heart. Although if a movie were actually called "95% on Rotten Tomatoes" and I knew nothing else about it, I would absolutely throw $20 down to see it. RT is movie gospel.

Side note: Jeff Bridges is shockingly underrated. Seabiscuit should have been complete garbage, but every time he was on screen I smiled like I was wrapped in an electric Snuggie. Iron Man? He made a surprisingly solid villain. Surf's Up? Who else could convince me that an obese penguin was actually a legendary surfer? THE BIG LEBOWSKI? One of the best comedic performances of all time. Crazy Heart is going to be incredible, and you need to see it despite its title. However, stay far, far away from:

Film I Will Never, Ever See

Speaking of awful titles. Woof. Morgans has a solid 7% on Rotten Tomatoes right now, and the lone positive review so far called it "the kind of movie for which cable TV was made." Somehow this is a good thing.

This is a perfect example of why I love that The Jess has a similar taste in movies as me. I can say with 100% certainty that I am never seeing this movie. It's a wonderful feeling. Sorry to the rest of you who see the trailer and get a "That looks so cute!" remark from your little lady.

On the plus side, this movie stars Sarah Jessica Parker! I've said it before and I'll say it again. I gave Sex and the City a shot but I couldn't stand it because of this woman. Not only is she a horrendous actress, but the character she played in the show asked everything of her friends and gave them nothing in return. A textbook bitch.

Do not see this movie. If you're still on the fence, Hugh Grant sums up what it's like to get a nice absorption of Sarah Jessica Parker.

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  1. Crazy Heart it is! (a.k.a. •This Film Stars Jeff Bridges)

  2. Spam comment! This blog is officially legit.

  3. oooo- now I want to see Crazy Heart AND buy Uggs! Nicely done CV.

  4. Harry Richard Carlson III

    Nah, that's just the 4 year old Korean kid's way of saying he loves S.J.P. Wujing...that name reminds me of my favorite lead singer's name. Lee Ving - lead singer of the sick punk band Fear. Beef Beef Beef - Beef Balogna. Lets start a war, so you can go die. Lets start a war, clean out the middle class.