Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What to get her this Christmas

To the fellas out there: How awful is Christmas shopping? Can I get a harrumph? What's her pants size again? Did I give her jewelry last year? Does she really need a waterproof disposable camera? If you spend too much, you weren't thoughtful enough. If you were too thoughtful, you didn't spend nearly enough. If only there were some miracle gift that perfectly symbolized precisely how much you love your lady while also running you somewhere between $40 and $200, the perfect holiday amount. Well, get ready for a Christmas miracle, because the perfect gift is here!

We've all thought it before, guys! "Boy, I'd sure love to cuddle with her if it didn't make me feel like less of a man!" Introducing the boyfriend arm pillow. And yes, this product actually exists! (proof) While she's enjoying her brand new, not-at-all creepy boyfriend arm pillow, you can:
  • Guilt trip her for gifting you something far less thoughtful.
  • Run with your WoW guild as your badass Death Knight. He's a miner AND a jewelcrafter!!
  • Avoid that irksome emotional attachment.
  • Go on "business trips" with your "diligent coworkers."
  • Take flying lessons.
  • Go to acting school.
  • Learn to fart musically.
  • Fight trained panda bears.
  • Conduct a pooping experiment with the stand up vs. sit down wiping method and decide once and for all which way works best for you.
  • Finally not be so effing hot and uncomfortable and wonder just how much longer you need to cuddle until you can remove yourself from her death grip and finally cool off.
It's the perfect Christmas gift, bros! When she stares lovingly into your eyes and coos "This is so much better than diamonds," you'll know who to thank. You're welcome.

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  1. You are a douchepoodle and I am pretty sure that I despise you for writing this. But then again, I think, Hey apple! Apple!
    Hey apple!
    You're red, so you're an apple.

    Also note, chicks do NOT dig vegetables.'re a vegetable

  2. Harry Richard Carlson III

    What the hell is a douchepoodle? A poofy dog that climbs in your vag and makes it smell like vinegar? friend John Wayne Gacy and I already made this for someone. We cut a dudes head off, sliced his torso in half and gave it to this girl. Not sure why...but she was upset. Oh and P.S. Trays, my heals Sham would pwn your DK. Lesser Healing Wave FTW!!!