Remember 2006? I sure do. It wasn't too long ago. Who could forget when Russia cut natural gas to Ukraine over a price dispute to start the year? I know I can't! Good times.
I remember playing Halo 2 and poker with friends, missing Dave Chappelle and realizing the comedic potential of the word douche. Since then, things have gone through subtle changes. I still play first person shooters and poker, but now it's all online as I no longer have friends. I now miss Dave Chappelle's stand up more than his sketch comedy show. The one thing that's totally different is the word 'douche.' It's no longer funny.
Back when I first started calling people douches, I didn't even know what the word meant or that a douche was a real thing. My innocence was quickly taken away by my friends and I spent the next week bedridden and muttering "UNCLEAN" to myself over and over. But I emerged with an even greater appreciation for the comedic value of the word.
I'm a conservative curser, and I always have been unless I've had a few in me. Beers, that is. Not boners. Douche was a great word to use because it got its point across without being as harsh as words and phrases like 'asshole,' 'shithead' and 'big gay robot penis.' To top it off, it was really fun to say. One syllable (efficient), rhymed with BOOSH (awesome).
As icing on the cake, it wasn't the easiest word to spell. English nerd that I am, I cherished seeing my idiot friends try to spell it as doosh, deuche and deusch. I would then tell them 'nice spelling, douche' and no doubt make them wonder why they were still friends with me.
But now both 'douche' and 'douchebag' are no longer funny. Don't ask me how it happened. I'm not sure. I realized it as I was watching the New Moon parody video from earlier this week. The werewolf/collie says the phrase 'Your move, douchebag' and I found myself thinking "Come on, New Moon parody video. You're better than that." And that was my ah-ha moment (THANKS OPRAH!!).
Maybe it was officially no longer funny when Seth McFarlane started using it in his shows, thereby making it known around the country. Overuse takes the fun out of anything, especially words. My grandma called her neighbor a douche during Thanksgiving dinner. It might have made me choke had the turkey not been so tender and juicy. She's been single since my grandfather died 28 years ago and apparently some bro was getting all "clingy" with her (I had to teach her that term) so she broke it off and made him cry. We all felt bad for him until she told us he was a big douche. My grandma knows this word now. It's hilarious, but also horribly not hilarious at the same time. You follow?
1) Use different words
I nominate words like 'beej' and 'spooge,' similar single-syllable words with the coveted double-vowel sounds. Example sentences:
-WAY TO GO, BEEJ! (yelled in the drunken face of someone who blows a game of flippy cup)
-Oh come on, you giant bowl of spooge (typed/uttered after losing with AK suited to AJ after a J falls on the river)
2) Take notes from South Park. Find new and exciting ways to use the word.
Words and expressions evolve, as does what makes people laugh. Douche is no longer funny because it's no longer creative. It's something everyone's heard before and it requires no creativity. So add to the word in new and exiting ways and listen to the laughs pour in. As an example, check out these sample sentences. One of them appeared in a recent episode of South Park, and one of them did not.
-Eric Cartman is a fat, smelly douchebag.
-Eric Cartman is a fat, smelly douchebag milkshake.
Get creative with it, people. The word douche still has some life left, it just needs a little support. Try things out. Make mistakes. It's how we learn. See you next time, and as always, I do not welcome your comments. It's not personal, you're all just giant gobs of spooge in a ripped Ziploc bag.