Monday, November 30, 2009

New Moon, Modern Warfare 2, Other Stuff You Hate

I've heard from people who have actually seen The Twilight Saga: New Moon that this video is incredibly accurate. Bella's heavy breathing and lip-biting are spot on, as is Edward's general creepiness and Jacob's shirtlessness.

And to those of you devoted to Twilight, I have a question. If Bella and Edward have a transcendent love that will last for all time, then why does she suck face with Jacob the first chance she gets? The only thing that's transcendent is Bella's sluttiness.

Modern Warfare 2 Multiplayer Map Tips: Scrapyard

Actual Tweet I sent today: "Officially got my MW2 k/d ratio over 1:1 this weekend. Thanks FAMAS. If you understood this Tweet, then HIGH 5 FELLOW NERD!"

 As Downtown Dan can attest, my Modern Warfare 2 skills are improving with terrifying speed. That said, here are some keys to surviving Scrapyard.
  • Try not to get shot in the face.
  • As with all maps, stick to the outsides whenever possible. It's one less direction you can get shot from. In Scrapyard I prefer to hug the west side and prowl back and forth like a cougar who is also wielding an assault rifle. The perfect killing machine.
  • I've noticed a lot of people enjoy camping in the northernmost building and the northeast corner. Find them and kill them. Kill them hard. 
  • If you're using anything other than an assault rifle here, you're doing it wrong. I go with either the FAMAS or the M16.
  • Try to shoot others in the face.

Tiger Woods:

Something doesn't add up. My guess is his wife bloodied his face and took a golf club to the Escalade before it crashed. I said as much when I first heard about the accident. I swear. I totally did.

Brian Urlacher:

I haven't been following this story too much, but it seems people are pretty upset over his comments about Jay Cutler. This just in, people: Jay Cutler kind of blows. He has one of the strongest arms in the NFL and all the physical skills necessary to be a great quarterback, but his decision making skills are suspect and his leadership skills involve one word: sulk. These are the facts. Here's what Urlacher said:

"Look, I love Jay, and I understand he's a great player who can take us a long way, and I still have faith in him," Urlacher said. "But I hate the way our identity has changed. We used to establish the run and wear teams down and try not to make mistakes, and we'd rely on our defense to keep us in the game and make big plays to put us in position to win. Kyle Orton might not be the flashiest quarterback, but the guy is a winner, and that formula worked for us. I hate to say it, but that's the truth."

He's spot-on, especially about Cutler transforming the Bears into a pass-first team, which is exactly what you want when your best receiver is Devin Hester. Urlacher's comment is actually pretty harmless, in my professional opinion. The guy was frustrated and he spoke his mind, and he did so with surprising clarity and care. Accurate comment from Urlacher that should in no way get Chicago sports fans up in arms.

Embarrassing Poop Story: 

The Jess and I have yet to get a plunger for the bathroom, an issue that affects only me. I usually drop my daily deuce in the evening, and it is glorious. But if I miss a day: LOOK OUT.

I had just finished a project that required latex gloves (I was not dying my girlfriend's hair. I was doing something far more badass. I was skinning and preparing dead rabbits for a winter feast). Soon after, nature called. I must have skipped a day or two, because the result was epic and the toilet was not up to the task.

With no plunger, I did what any sane man would do who did not want his work being admired by any outside sources. I fished a latex glove out of the garbage and unclogged the damage myself. And before you call me disgusting, know this: I deeply inhaled near my hand immediately afterward, and it did not smell in the least bit like poo.

It smelled like hair dye. I mean dead rabbits.

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  1. Luke is:

    A. A Nerd
    B. Gay
    C. Effing GROSS
    D. All of the above

    I'm going to roll with D on this one.

  2. eww, but way to prevail against ungainly clogs.

    I agree with Mike. D it is.