Monday, November 30, 2009

New Moon, Modern Warfare 2, Other Stuff You Hate

I've heard from people who have actually seen The Twilight Saga: New Moon that this video is incredibly accurate. Bella's heavy breathing and lip-biting are spot on, as is Edward's general creepiness and Jacob's shirtlessness.

And to those of you devoted to Twilight, I have a question. If Bella and Edward have a transcendent love that will last for all time, then why does she suck face with Jacob the first chance she gets? The only thing that's transcendent is Bella's sluttiness.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Stop it with the Facebook as a diary crap

by "Downtown" Dan Bardin

I go to Facebook for a number of reasons, but usually because I'm just bored. Lately I've noticed there has been an uptick in the wayyyy too much information zone.

I understand people posting that their day sucks, or it won't end, or TGIF, blah, blah, blah. It's a way to vent from the cubicle you spend more time in than your own home.

I don't want to go to Facebook to hear about how your boyfriend shot your uncle in order to get custody rights. Okay? For example:

I think its "pathetic" for ppl 2 put there nose in other peoples business.....bc obvi they hv nada else 2 do...I actually feel flattered that Im talked amongst other ppl live ur own life, and let me live mine, bc u obvi have things twisted my dear...

Besides making little grammatical sense, I don't even know what 3/4 of it says and still it pisses me off. This is what I see in my mind when I read posts like this:

I get you are having a bad day, and that's fine. Just don't tell me too much.

You can tell me your "besties" are on their way to the city and you are totally going to dance it up. Or that you made awesome salsa. Great. Perfect. Just stop it with the diary entries you post on Facebook as a desperate attempt at attention-seeking.

And, yes, this post is completely aimed towards girls.

Boom goes the dynamite. See you in another three months, Readers.

6 Year Old Thinks He's Playing Madden, Unleashes Hit Stick

I became aware of this video thanks to Deadspin. Click for their full article.

Deadspin, while excellent at providing us with awesome sports content that we wouldn't know about otherwise, doesn't always do the best job of providing analysis or opinion on what we're seeing. Knowing that, I decided to put the video up here and break it down further.

This is what happens when you throw a bunch of 6 year olds together (who are, let's face it, mostly huge idiots) and put a physically advanced kid with an actual knowledge of the game of football in the mix. Most 6 year olds in football pads are focused primarily on running in circles or just standing there. This kid is different. He's not only strong and fast, but he understands the fundamentals of defense:

1. Find person with football
2. Destroy

There are a lot of bodies standing around in the first clip, so it's a little difficult to see what's going on at first. That's why I'm here. Here's what you should look for in the 7 to 15 second mark of the video.
  •   Find the kid with the football. He's in the middle in the white jersey. He is presumably the quarterback, waiting patiently to hand the ball off to absolutely no one. The offensive linemen have either fallen down or are hitting each other. Basically, they're emulating the Chicago Bears.
  • The QB is staring off into space and, I guarantee you, thinking about absolutely nothing. He is completely comatose, yet (and here's his big mistake) still holding onto the football.
  • In comes the juggernaut. The hit causes the coach in the foreground to cringe with his hands on his head while the kid in the red hoodie jumps around like the Ravens D after Ray Lewis snapped Mendenhall's collar bone.
  • The QB may or may not have gone from "just standing there" to "on the ground and crying" in less than a second. He is kicking his legs furiously in an effort to comprehend this unfathomable turn of events.
The second clip does not need analysis. The juggernaut saw the person with the football and hulked out.

Basically, if your kid is 6 years old and you put him in football pads, you're an idiot, a horrible parent and you should perform a self-vasectomy immediately. Kids should not play football until high school. This concludes Luke and the View from his High Horse. Happy Turkey Day, you obese Americans. Let's drown our problems in gravy.

Friday, November 20, 2009

5 Classic Movies in Reverse (Inspired by HIGHDEAS)

Today, Deadspin introduced me to a site called HIGHDEAS, in which stoners submit their awesome, mind-blowing revelations while in an altered state. A lot of the submissions are typical eyeroll-inducing stoner babble, such as potheads expressing a severe desire to move to Amersterdam, open a coffee shop and just LIVE, man!

Sadly, those idiots will never put down the bong long enough to get off the couch, let alone buy a plane ticket with money that could be spent on drugs. However, there are some genuinely awesome observations hiding amid the stereotypes. Such as:

But the obvious winner and the inspiration for this post is:

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Not Another Facebook Ad: Finally! Women Can Stop Shaving Their Faces!

Alert reader @kmlemmon sent this ad to me. If you encounter similarly awful Facebook ads in your sidebar, please notify me. Together, we can end the absurdity.

I've been putting some thought into a Top 10 Twilight Quotes (With Analysis!) post in light of the theatrical release of New Moon. That thought was put on the back burner when I saw this ad.

I mean, come on.

Raise your hand if you've seen a woman lather up with shaving cream and take care of her facial hair. Anyone?

The ad makes much more sense if the "No More Shaving" headline is replaced with the simple question: "Are You Greek?" Suddenly the ad becomes MUCH more relevant. Greek women are vivacious, ready to party and they love to eat. All great qualities. They're also really, really hairy. They might up that ad's click percentage if the headline were changed.

And don't get me started on the woman in this picture. She looks like she's thoroughly enjoying this particular shaving experience. I'm not an ad guy, but if your headline says "No More Shaving," wouldn't you want a picture of a woman sobbing with countless razor cuts all over her face?

Also, where is this woman shaving? Underneath Dan Bardin's back fat? Why is there no light, yet she's perfectly illuminated? They couldn't give us a mirror? Anything from a bathroom?

Finally, and this is the most important point: WOMEN DON'T SHAVE THEIR FACES! Consider the following facts:

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Modern Warfare 2 Tactical Nuke

Dude earns nuke in MW2, hangs out for a while before unleashing it

Modern Warfare 2 just shattered top sales marks across the entire entertainment industry, netting $550 million in its first 5 days, trumping the numbers of Grand Theft Auto IV (the previous video game record holder) and Whatever Harry Potter Movie Made the Most and The Dark Knight (the previous global/domestic box office record holders).

Modern Warfare 2 is now the most successful entertainment release of all time. Doing the math ($550 million divided by 60 bucks), over 9 million copies of the game have already been sold. That's a lot of gamers who will subsequently be making a lot of YouTube vids.

Below is one posted of a guy getting 25 kills without dying, thus earning himself a tactical nuke that ends the game and gives his team the victory immediately. It. Is. Incredible. If you have a better video, post the link in the comments section and I'll throw it up post-haste. Enjoy, nerds!

A Review of The House of Yes, the weirdest movie ever

Background info:

The Jess had to watch this film for a class, so we Netflixed it a few days ago. I asked her what House of Yes was about and she responded "incest."

Oh, awesome!

Brief plot summary (contains spoilers, F you):

Parker Posey plays a character named Jackie-O, a mentally unstable east coast aristocrat with serious daddy issues. Dad left the family early (or perhaps he was murdered, who really knows) so she looked to her twin brother, Marty (played by Josh Hamilton before he turned to drugs and steroids), to fill the holes. So to speak.

The two started messing around as teenagers and when it ended, it put Jackie-O into a mental institution of some kind. I think. I'm not really sure, I was eating dinner at this point.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, and Marty brings his fiance, Lesly (played by Tori Spelling), to meet the family.

Then Jackie-O has sex with Marty again. Lesly retaliates by getting with Freddie Prinze, Jr. Then Jackie-O shoots Marty in the face to keep him from leaving with Lesly. Movie over.

Okay, so I skipped some details. Sue me.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Analysis of the Worst Facebook Ad Ever (Warning: Contains Perplexing Nudity)

So I was about to write another chapter in the Luke's Legendary Facebook Statuses tome when I took a look at the ads in the sidebar, as I usually do. I always notice them but never click on them, making me a pain in the ass of every web marketer out there. It wasn't long before I took a second glance at the Mobsters 2 ad. And no, it's not because there was a scantily clad digitally-rendered female holding a gun.

Something just didn't look right. Call it intuition if you want. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was the odd look of the gun she was holding. Or maybe it was THE EXTRA PAIR OF SWEATER MELONS WHERE HER HIPS SHOULD BE.

Seriously, WTF Facebook? If this is the next step in evolution, count me the eff out. What in the world was going on during the development meetings for Mobsters 2 advertising?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Netflix vs. Luke: Is Breaking Bad actually a comedy?

Apparently I screwed this up, but thankfully Netflix is around to correct me on my hilariously off-base read of AMC's critically-acclaimed show, Breaking Bad.

To the left is a recommendation the online film rental service gave to me because of my love for both 30 Rock and Arrested Development, two of my favorite shows of all time. I hadn't previously thought of Breaking Bad as a comedy, but after looking a bit further I can't believe I missed the signs.

The cover art is hilarious enough, so right there it's obvious just how wrong I was about the tone of the show. It's comedy that's so good, so confident, that it doesn't need to install things like a laugh track, sunny soundtrack or David Schwimmer to get its point across. Here are some more ways in which Breaking Bad sets the bar for subtle and transcendent comedy:

  • Chemistry (the scientific kind, not the term used for relationships and/or sports)
  • The dad from Malcolm in the Middle, in the desert, in his underwear, holding a gun
  • Crystal meth addiction
  • Cooking and selling crystal meth
  • The challenges of raising a disabled child
  • Drug-related kidnapping and homicide
  • Lung cancer
  • Marital problems that stem from a sexless relationship (due to the aforementioned lung cancer)
Hilarious! Thanks, Netflix!