Wednesday, November 25, 2009

6 Year Old Thinks He's Playing Madden, Unleashes Hit Stick

I became aware of this video thanks to Deadspin. Click for their full article.

Deadspin, while excellent at providing us with awesome sports content that we wouldn't know about otherwise, doesn't always do the best job of providing analysis or opinion on what we're seeing. Knowing that, I decided to put the video up here and break it down further.

This is what happens when you throw a bunch of 6 year olds together (who are, let's face it, mostly huge idiots) and put a physically advanced kid with an actual knowledge of the game of football in the mix. Most 6 year olds in football pads are focused primarily on running in circles or just standing there. This kid is different. He's not only strong and fast, but he understands the fundamentals of defense:

1. Find person with football
2. Destroy

There are a lot of bodies standing around in the first clip, so it's a little difficult to see what's going on at first. That's why I'm here. Here's what you should look for in the 7 to 15 second mark of the video.
  •   Find the kid with the football. He's in the middle in the white jersey. He is presumably the quarterback, waiting patiently to hand the ball off to absolutely no one. The offensive linemen have either fallen down or are hitting each other. Basically, they're emulating the Chicago Bears.
  • The QB is staring off into space and, I guarantee you, thinking about absolutely nothing. He is completely comatose, yet (and here's his big mistake) still holding onto the football.
  • In comes the juggernaut. The hit causes the coach in the foreground to cringe with his hands on his head while the kid in the red hoodie jumps around like the Ravens D after Ray Lewis snapped Mendenhall's collar bone.
  • The QB may or may not have gone from "just standing there" to "on the ground and crying" in less than a second. He is kicking his legs furiously in an effort to comprehend this unfathomable turn of events.
The second clip does not need analysis. The juggernaut saw the person with the football and hulked out.

Basically, if your kid is 6 years old and you put him in football pads, you're an idiot, a horrible parent and you should perform a self-vasectomy immediately. Kids should not play football until high school. This concludes Luke and the View from his High Horse. Happy Turkey Day, you obese Americans. Let's drown our problems in gravy.


  1. 1. I love watching the dads after the hits. They initially make the "OOHHH" face, then look around nervously for a pissed off parent that just watched their kid get rocked.

    Also, all the other kids are staring at the crying QB all thinking the same thing, "Screw this, lets go play Legos."

    2. The second hit seems to defy physics. Look at how far off the ground the little RB gets. Congratulations, your son now will have the mental capacity of a six year old permanently.

  2. i cannot believe the second kid actually got up after that hit. the normal reaction for a 6 year old is exactly what happens in the first one, and that is to cry like a little girl

  3. Completely agree with both comments, particularly the "let's play Legos" observation and the crying like a little girl.

    When I was 6, crying was as common an occurrence as breakfast. If I got hit like that I'd shit my pants in midair and cry until Wednesday.

  4. Six years old is so young - boys can't play T-ball at six, let alone be trusted with pads, a helmet and a football.

    Having watched six-year-old boys play soccer ("where's the ball? where's the ball?") this scares the living daylights out of me.

    While the prospect of self-mutilating in order to avoid further impregnation seems severe, I agree boys should not play football until high school. Ask my brother-in-law, a HS football coach with 30+ years coaching experience & 3 boys who weren't allowed to play football 'til HS.

    Nuff said.

  5. Listen carefully in the second vid. You can hear Terry Tate "Office Linebacker" in the background saying "OOOOh light em up"

  6. That's definitely him. I'd recognize that WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! anywhere.

  7. Word on the street says that both Urban Meyer and Lane Kiffin are scouting elementary schools for future SEC talent.