Friday, October 30, 2009

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others

It was a low-key Friday afternoon on Facebook, the calm before Halloween's storm. An abundance of rain cast depressing shades of gray over the Midwestern landscape. Nonetheless, spirits were high. Jokes and playful banter were in abundance on the Wall of Fred. But then...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

World Series bumps Glee, causes Twitter asplosion

The first and last people to the left are currently aware that Glee, the wildly popular TV show on Fox (about a glee club, cover songs of horribly overrated hits and unwanted pregnancies) is being bumped until the 2nd week of November because of "stupid baseball." The 2nd and 3rd Twitter profiles are blissfully unaware their precious show has been shoved to make room for The Captain and his pinstriped cohorts. Right about now they've undoubtedly received an "omg grl glee isnt on 2nite :(" tweet from their bestest, and they're now joining other emos across the nation in mourning.

These poor, misguided souls. They have yet to discover the joy of watching a November baseball game in sub-zero weather in which the remaining two teams battle for 5 hours and combine for 3 total runs. They haven't experienced the joy of seeing A-Rod's crotch bulge (which may or may not be his cup), the complete inanity of Tim McCarver and the moral superiority of Joe Buck.

It's obvious these juveniles have never picked up a ball outside of mandatory gym class, which they were forced to do by manlier-than-your-WWII-veteran-grandfather P.E. teacher, who, despite all evidence to the contrary, constantly claimed to have been born a woman.

Go get some sun, you vampires! New Moon is going to blow just as much as Twilight did! No one denies this! Can you even come up with...

I mean, can you even explain to me the intricacies of a dropped 3rd strike and the effect it may have on...

I can't do this.


/sobs uncontrollably


/does weird convulsive breathing thing that happens when you're breathing in while recovering from a sobbing fit. don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about.


/farts, smells it


Okay, I think I've calmed down. But for realz, why are we being subjected to a baseball game in 30 degree weather? Is this how the game is meant to be played, let alone the most important series of the entire season? No. No it is not. 


Overrated? Don't Stop Believin' is overrated? You, sir, are overrated and I will gladly poop in your Chipotle burrito and call the concoction a pinto/black beans hybrid. And you will eat it, just like you'll eat the shit show that will be taking place at Yankee Stadium and Citizens Bank Park over the next two weeks. Because you don't know when you're being fed a giant poop burrito if you're actually excited for men swinging lumber over hot guys singing and dancing all over the place.

Oh well. It's not a total loss. I hear Tim McCarver sings.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

This Week in Unintended Irony: Swine Flu Vaccination Lines

This photo was taken over the weekend at a nearby high school. Every person in line is waiting for an H1N1 vaccination. No, not really. This is actually a line for a Slayer concert. But anyway, onto the point of this post: I work with a couple people (they're married) who endured a 3 hour wait to get a  swine flu vaccination. The line extended 7 blocks. They waited in the rain. Oh, and the woman is 9 months pregnant and will be induced into labor tomorrow.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Paranormal Activity: Yeah, this looks fun

Paranormal Activity cost $15,000 to make and collected $20 million last weekend alone. If it grosses $60 million (which it will) it becomes the most profitable movie (percentage-wise) in history, passing up The Blair Witch Project. Fascinating stuff. Am I seeing it? Let's see:

Remember What Lies Beneath? It rocked me to my core after I saw it. Harrison Ford, a villain? No way. No way. NOOOOOOOO!!! NO, HARRISON!!!! FIRST CALISTA FLOCKHART, NOW THIS?

I had nightmares about Malificent, the villain in Sleeping Beauty, until I was 23.

When asked if I'd like to see a horror movie these days, I find the nearest floor or ground surface (there's usually one pretty close), lay down, assume the fetal position and rock bank and forth/hum loudly until the question is either retracted or the person leaves the room.

So no, I will not be viewing Paranormal Activity. Let me know how it goes for you.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I Know Who Soaked the Kids!!!!111

I have an application for Firefox called Googlepedia, which takes your Google search term and puts up the most relevant Wikipedia article on the right side, eliminating the need to visit Wiki's page. It's a huge time saver and an awesome application. I recommend you try it out.

Anyway, I typed "driver soaks kids prosecution" into Google, and the most relevant Wikipedia article popped up next to my results. His fake accent fooled us all!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Best Video of Kids Getting Drenched That Will Ever Be Made

As I stated earlier, I try to stay away from constantly posting videos on here (I'm obviously doing a wonderful job) because it's an easy way to bypass the creative process and blah blah blah blah. Watch this incredible video.

Obvious highlights:
  • At one point the guy gets so excited that he loses his accent.
  • That horribly evil laugh.
  • Innocent kids getting soaked is near the top of my list of Top 5 Things I Didn't Know Were Hilarious. I don't know the other 4 yet.
  • The moral crusaders commenting on this video who are demanding imprisonment or death for this guy. 
If you have a better video than this, by all means send it my way. Drop me a line at

Update: Remix!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Nostalgic Sigh: IGN's Top 10 Halo Kills of the Week

I have a PS3 and am loving it, as it actually turns on properly and doesn't give me three red lights as a greeting. But sometimes, when it's late at night and I'm alone with my thoughts...I miss Halo. I'm man enough to admit it. Although if I ever ran into any of these psychos I'd probably chuck my controller through the TV. I mean look at #1. How is that even possible? [IGN]

Friday, October 9, 2009

Why Shutter Island Will Kick All Kinds of Ass

Well, I just finished reading Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane (published in 2003, look how ahead of the curve I am!), and after reading it, I'm certain of one thing: It's going to blow your mind. I'm gonna go ahead and guarantee it. The film was originally slated to be released this month, but Paramount recently decided to push it to February 2010. That's fine. Seems like a Valentine's Day movie instead of a Halloween one.

I can't say enough about the book. Knowing it's in Scorsese's and Leo's capable hands makes me 100% certain that Shutter Island is going to be an unforgettable moviegoing experience. Leo plays Teddy Daniels, a US Marshal in the 1950s who's sent to investigate Shutter Island, a last-resort, eerie psychiatric ward where things aren't as they seem. He's joined by castmembers by Mark "13 Going on 30 Is Kind of My Best Film" Ruffalo and Ben "I'm Not Actually a Chess Instructor, Stop Asking Me" Kingsley.

I won't give any spoilers away, which is going to be brutal on me. I started reading the book under the impression the movie would be released in October, heard the news that it was pushed back to February, and couldn't stop reading because it was just too good. Now I have to keep the story's secrets bottled up for four months.

You need to read the book so we can talk about it. Do it and then we'll talk in the comment section, ruining it for the other 2 people who read this blog. Do it. Do it for Leo. It's what he'd want. Whisper it like Dr. Evil. Leo!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Cole Hamels' Wife Is a Selfish Distraction

Oh sure, Heidi Hamels. Go ahead and go into labor just as your husband and his teammates embark on their arduous quest to repeat as World Series champions. By all means! In fact, why don't you take a load off! Would you like some ice cream? Perhaps some peanut butter and Oreos? I hear you're a fan.

/Watches 5 minutes of Survivor, vomits.

Your husband Colbert (lmao) tried to give his team a 2-0 lead heading west into Colorado, but because of you, he only pitched 5 innings and gave up 4 earned runs (a 7.20 ERA for you math whizzes) and is now in line for the loss. He was thinking about his wife and his first child and how his life will never be the same. You did this to him. You destroyed Philadelphia sports.

Breaking News As I'm Writing This Post: Cole Hamels has left the ballpark to be with his wife, who is currently stripping for peanut butter and Oreos on a stale CBS reality show in labor.

You selfish hussy! How dare you destroy Philadelphia's chance at two straight titles! Their fans are saints! They deserve only the best!

Don't give me that look, jungle woman! I'm onto you. I know your game. You snagged a ballplayer and entered baby-needing freakout mode once you turned 30. You women. You're all the same. You latch onto 25-year-old, left handed, World Series MVP-winning pitchers like it's going out of style. Don't act like you don't!

I know how this went down, Heidi. It's an all too familiar story.

(January 2009)

Heidi Hamels: Colbert? I'm 30. Mama needs a bun in the oven.

Cole Hamels: ...boobies?

HH: (rolling eyes) Yes, Colbert. Boobies. Very good. Now get over here. Let's get to babymaking. Try for triplets! OMG COLBERT TRY FOR TRIPLETS! (jumps up and down, holds up three fingers)

CH: ...changeup?

HH: Colbert! Pay attention to me! I am your wife and I am super cereal! In this house, three fingers means "triplets" and not "changeup!" Now give me the ol' 4-seamer!

And so, 9 months later, you went into labor, Heidi. On the very day your husband was due to put a stranglehold on the Colorado Rockies, no less. But now the Rockies will take Mr. Momentum and ride him all the way into the World Series against the Yankees, where they will stage a dramatic upset in one of the greatest rebound stories in sports history.

Basically, Heidi, your selfish baby-needing will bring heartbreak and anguish to millions of Phillies and Yankees fans.

Philadelphians and New Yorkers, the greatest, most tolerable and least annoying, most friendly, most knowledgeable, most deserving and saintly fans on earth, will be wallowing in their own tears and fecal matter.

Thank you, Heidi. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

WTF? Why Does Google Have a Barcode?

The #14 topic at Google Trends right now is "why does google have a barcode." Coincidentally, the #16 topic is currently "am i a mouth-breathing ape."

Tip for all of you computer users: If you hover your mouse over Google's customized logo, you'll see a message giving you the reason for the change. Here's an explanation.

What "hover your mouse" means:
  • Keep the mouse completely still for a second or two. Do not move it.

What "hover your mouse" doesn't mean:
  • Shove the mouse in every direction like an air hockey mallet. Screech like a howler monkey.
  • Lift your mouse several inches into the air and leave it hanging there. Make UFO noises.

If you hover over Google's logo today, you'll see the message "Invention of the Bar Code," eliminating the need to search for a reason for the confusing logo change. Try it out for yourself!

And technically, if you slide your mouse over the Google logo and then try the "lift the mouse, make UFO noises" technique, that would actually work. Just don't let anyone see you do it.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Jared Allen Spills His Redneck Mullet All Over My Dreams

We're back with yet another installment of the insanely unpopular series "Luke Talks About His Fantasy Teams!" This should be a good one, buckle up. Click the image to enlarge it.

Above is the summary of my Week 4 in fantasy football, which is downright hilarious. I was up against a team who's absolutely loaded and somehow contained Brady, Wayne and Purple Jesus. Things were looking good. And then Jared Allen decided to collect 4.5 sacks (a Monday Night Football record) and a safety, which I'm pretty sure I could have done too if I were up against Green Bay's dynamite left tackle, Simple Jack.

And yes, our league has 3 individual defensive players, something I defy any other league in the entire United States to match. As you can see, Allen collected 29 points, more than Peterson and Wayne had in Week 4 combined. I lost by 0.6 points because of this man.

"I've never had a day like that," sang Allen in a ridiculous hillbilly twang. Then he collected his massive paycheck (a little more than $750,000 per game) and bought another house, while I watched an episode of House on DVR.  We're practically twins!

I realized something last night. Sometimes life is great, and sometimes Jared Allen does 4.5 calf-roping celebrations in one game and takes a shit on your face.