Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Jared Allen Spills His Redneck Mullet All Over My Dreams

We're back with yet another installment of the insanely unpopular series "Luke Talks About His Fantasy Teams!" This should be a good one, buckle up. Click the image to enlarge it.

Above is the summary of my Week 4 in fantasy football, which is downright hilarious. I was up against a team who's absolutely loaded and somehow contained Brady, Wayne and Purple Jesus. Things were looking good. And then Jared Allen decided to collect 4.5 sacks (a Monday Night Football record) and a safety, which I'm pretty sure I could have done too if I were up against Green Bay's dynamite left tackle, Simple Jack.

And yes, our league has 3 individual defensive players, something I defy any other league in the entire United States to match. As you can see, Allen collected 29 points, more than Peterson and Wayne had in Week 4 combined. I lost by 0.6 points because of this man.

"I've never had a day like that," sang Allen in a ridiculous hillbilly twang. Then he collected his massive paycheck (a little more than $750,000 per game) and bought another house, while I watched an episode of House on DVR.  We're practically twins!

I realized something last night. Sometimes life is great, and sometimes Jared Allen does 4.5 calf-roping celebrations in one game and takes a shit on your face.

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