Thursday, November 19, 2009

Not Another Facebook Ad: Finally! Women Can Stop Shaving Their Faces!

Alert reader @kmlemmon sent this ad to me. If you encounter similarly awful Facebook ads in your sidebar, please notify me. Together, we can end the absurdity.

I've been putting some thought into a Top 10 Twilight Quotes (With Analysis!) post in light of the theatrical release of New Moon. That thought was put on the back burner when I saw this ad.

I mean, come on.

Raise your hand if you've seen a woman lather up with shaving cream and take care of her facial hair. Anyone?

The ad makes much more sense if the "No More Shaving" headline is replaced with the simple question: "Are You Greek?" Suddenly the ad becomes MUCH more relevant. Greek women are vivacious, ready to party and they love to eat. All great qualities. They're also really, really hairy. They might up that ad's click percentage if the headline were changed.

And don't get me started on the woman in this picture. She looks like she's thoroughly enjoying this particular shaving experience. I'm not an ad guy, but if your headline says "No More Shaving," wouldn't you want a picture of a woman sobbing with countless razor cuts all over her face?

Also, where is this woman shaving? Underneath Dan Bardin's back fat? Why is there no light, yet she's perfectly illuminated? They couldn't give us a mirror? Anything from a bathroom?

Finally, and this is the most important point: WOMEN DON'T SHAVE THEIR FACES! Consider the following facts:

  • Women may know it's been proven to be a myth that hair does not grow back thicker if you shave. But they've seen that Seinfeld episode. And in the back of their minds, they're worried that if they're vain enough to actually shave what little hair there is, King Karma will quickly reward them with a beard thicker and fuller than the one Kyle Orton can only grow on his neck.
  • My point about Greek ladies is not accurate. Hairy Eastern European women display their facial hair with the pride of a war veteran showing off his scars and tattoos. They do not shave their faces. Ever. 
So who exactly is this ad appealing to? What's the demographic? They're offering free laser hair removal in an area of the body where hair growth never needs to be maintained? Wow, awesome idea! Who came up with this garbage?

Preston: What's up, brah?

Luke: Oh. Hey Preston. Thanks for invading my blog again. Did you and what's his face work on this ad too?

Shane: We sure did, you candy ass BITCH! Nah, I'm just playin,' you're all right, Leo.

Luke: Actually, it's Luke.

Shane: Really? My bad! Sorry 'bout that, brah! I feel terrible. I guess I'm the only one who forgets someone's name.

Preston: Ohhhh! He burned you! Right? Because you forgot his name! BURN FIVE!

Shane and Preston high five, then pretend their hands are on fire. It's a terrible celebration. Just awful.

Luke: I'll leave you two alone.

Shane: Wait, why are we back here on this brutal blog that like 3 people read?

Preston: I think we need to recreate our process for creating that ad where the chick was shaving her face.

Shane: Pfffff! That's cake, son! Let's just go back in time!

Preston: Good call!

Preston and Shane bash each other over the head with chairs until they each black out. They're convinced that this is the secret to unlocking time travel. 

Preston: Hang on. WHAT are we supposed to create?

Shane: It's another Facebook ad, Preston. Our client is a hair removal company and they want an ad geared toward women.

Preston: That is most decidedly NOT extreme, brah! We don't know SHIT about women! How are we supposed to write an ad for them? And why don't any women work at this agency?

Shane: They all quit, remember? You creeped on all of them to the point that they had to get restraining orders against you.

Preston: That is slander, sir! Slander, I say! If I'm such a creep, why did 5 honey bears simultaneously accept my invitation to join me for drinks last month?

Shane: That was a company event. Attendance was mandatory.

Preston: Fo rizz? Why do I still work here?

Shane: No clue. Let's get to work.

Preston: Snap! Light bulb, brah! Ok, stay with me here. What part of your body do you hate shaving? Like, what part of you body would you never shave again if you didn-

Shane: Ballsack.

Preston: Wow, I love where your head's at! I'm thinking Facebook might draw the line there. We somehow got away with hip boobs, so let's not push our luck.

Shane: Well, what about the face? I hate shaving my face.

Preston: Do women shave their faces?

Shane: They do if it's 5:30 and there's Jager and Red Bull on ice.

Preston: Lock it up!

Shane: Wanna make out to celebrate?

Preston: No.

Shane: Do you mean yes?

Preston: Yes.

And there we have it! Another Facebook ad ruined by the two brahs. In the highly, highly unlikely event that the person who actually created the Woman Shaving Her Face ad is reading this, find a new job. You suck. You jackass.

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