Monday, December 14, 2009

How to Make Your League's Fantasy Football Playoffs

For those of you wondering where to direct the fan mail (stop flooding my inbox, people! I'm only one man!), I do a majority of the writing here on Common Vents. Downtown Dan chimes in whenever an African-American musician dies or he has some social media pet peeves to get off his chest.

Here's something else you don't know about the wonderful friendship Dan and I share: I hate him. He really is a deplorable human being, someone who needs to be put in his place at every possible opportunity. Thankfully, Dan loves to completely blow in one particular area of his life: fantasy sports.

How bad is Dan at fantasy sports? He drafted Neil Rackers in Round 4 last year. He has 3 defenses on his roster. He drafted 4 second basemen in our baseball league. He endlessly petitions Yahoo! to let offensive linemen into the fantasy mix. He has a soft spot for those big uglies, I guess.

The one problem? Dan has been ahead of my team all year. As of last weekend, 4 teams in the league were tied at 6-7. Two teams of that group would make the postseason depending on the outcome of Week 14.  Here's what the standings look like. Dan is "I Keep Losing" and I am "Tactical Nuke."

Now, here are the facts. It appears I am the only squad in this list headed for victory this week, thus ensuring my playoff berth as the #5 seed. With all three other teams headed for losses, it's up to the total points number to determine the final playoff team. And it appears Mike, aka "ShutTheFrontDoor" is limping his way into the postseason, because Downtown "I Keep Losing" Dan has managed the lowest score this week in the entire league.

What a shame!

Dan gave it his all this year. He really did. After starting the season 4-1 (which led the league) he finished the season with a Bears-like record of 2-7. Slow down, lightning!

For those of you wondering how I was able to clinch a playoff spot, look to the right. There you will find the week 14 score of Brandon "The Beast" Marshall, whose lesser-known nickname would be Brandon "The Real Reason Jay Cutler Is So Good" Marshall. Here's what Marshall did in a 21-16 loss to the Patriots.

21 catches (NFL Record), 200 yards, 2 TDs. That's a really solid effort for most wide receivers over a 3-game stretch. Marshall did that in ONE GAME.

Rewind to this year's draft. I was ready to go. It was going to be a banner year. And then my internet crapped out minutes before the draft. My team was assembled via autodraft (always a disaster) and I got both lucky (Peyton and Mojo) and unlucky (clubhouse crybaby Brandon Marshall, gun and marijuana enthusiast Marshawn Lynch). But I was wrong about you, Brandon. So very wrong.

Thank you, Brandon. Your Broncos may have lost on Sunday, but your team's loss is my gain. I apologize for thinking you were a whiny toddler at the start of this year and trying to trade you for someone, ANYone. But you stayed on my squad because no one else wanted you, and now you've put me into the playoffs. I've developed some strong and perplexing feelings for you, Beast. I'll leave it up to Foreigner to get my point across.

Some of you more observant mouth-breathers may have noticed my opponent still has Larry Fitzgerald playing tonight. In case you're worried that I might be jinxing myself with this blog post, don't worry, I covered all my bases. This is the text I sent to my opponent, Jim, aka "Larry Legend."

"if larry fitz hangs up 40 tonight imma find you and mushroom slap you into a coma"

Bases covered!

So now it's onto the playoffs, where I'll surely make a swift exit because the Colts will be resting Peyton Manning and I'll have to rely on Chad Henne to take me to the promised land. But hey, this might actually happen. Right, Michigan fans?


  1. How to Really Make Your Fantasy Football League's Playoffs

    Find a league where the best team in the league (most points) finishes ninth out of ten teams because of a bullshit schedule. This might be tough to find because it may be the first time in history that this has happened.

    I think I will stick with Fantasy Baseball where the best team wins at the end of the year.


  3. Golden State scores the 3rd most points in the NBA right now. Why are they 7-18? It doesn't make any sense! They should have the 3rd best record in the league!

    Oh wait. That's not how sports work.