Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The #1 Reason Why Winter Blows and Other Holiday Observations

What do you hate most about winter? For me, this is an easy one.

It's 7 in the morning. The sun may or may not be rising; there's too much cloud cover to tell. You forgot to start the car in advance because you're a big, fat Reed and so you head from your warm, comfortable home to your icicle of a ride.

The blast of cold is like a punch to the stomach. It hits you immediately. You groan like the pathetic little girl that you are, curse your life, and for whatever reason you continue to march toward your car. You unlock the door, open it, and lower yourself into the front seat.

And that, right there, is the #1 reason winter blows.

You might think entering the car brings some relief. Wrong. The interior of the car is just as cold as it is outside. You can see your breath while you're inside. Even after starting the car, it'll take around 5 minutes for it to start cranking out the heat. This is the worst 5 minutes of the entire day.

And I forgot to mention that the physical act of lowering yourself into the car is a total shitshow. Somehow, during the 30 seconds it took you to walk to your vehicle, your pants have frozen solid. It doesn't matter if you're wearing denim or khaki. And so, as you bend your legs to get into your car, your frozen pants greet your helpless legs in new and horrifying ways. It's a feeling too uncomfortable to accurately describe. It's gotten to the point where I'll hesitate to lower myself into the car. I'd rather be exposed outside in the sub-zero temperatures than bend my legs and get myself into the car.

Let this be a warning to those of you lucky enough to have mild, or perhaps even warm, winters. Do not come up here. For any reason. Oh, you have family in Wisconsin? That's wonderful. Visit them on the 4th. What's that? Grandma is sick up in the Dakotas? Send her an effing eCard. Do not come up here in winter. Ever.

Some other notes:
  • A hearty congratulations to my coworker, Ashley, who just listed herself as "unsingle" on Facebook. My insider source tells me she's pregnant. And yes, my insider happens to be a Christmas ornament on my desk. What's your point?
  • I got a Kindle for Christmas. Yes, I'm aware Apple's "iSlate" is arriving soon, but iDontGiveAShit. Thanks, but I'd rather not spend $1,000 on an eReader. But I'm in the minority here. All you Apple zombies will drop whatever you're asked to drop to get your hands on it. You're brainwashed. Seek help.
  • Entire books download onto the Kindle in seconds. $9.99 is the most expensive that they get, and many classics and new releases are available for free. It's one of the best gifts I've gotten in a while.
  • When it goes to sleep, the monitor displays various authors or famous passages in literary history. If I've learned nothing else from the Kindle, it's shown me that Virginia Woolf was a monumental hottie. (proof)
  • And then a biography Woolf published was poorly received, WWII began and her home was destroyed thanks to the effects of the war, and she spiraled into a deep depression. So she filled her coat pockets with rocks, headed into a nearby river and drowned herself. Monumental nutjob.
  • Russia could launch a spaceship in an effort to alter the path of a possibly-earthbound asteroid. The rock would get here in 2029. This entire thing is way over my head. I'm not sure how much Space Math was involved to deduce that 1) This thing is headed toward earth, and 2) We can actually tell when it's going to arrive, but I'm glad I don't have to do it. Also, this plan is virtually the exact plot of Armageddon, kaboomed by Michael Bay. Micheal Bay is not a director. He is a kaboomer. Does anyone else find it odd that the smartest minds our world has to offer are basically planning to go Armageddon on an asteroid? Is any scientific plan using a fundamental idea from a Michael Bay movie EVER a good idea? This will not end well.
  • Finally, a book recommendation for you: The Forever War by Dexter Filkins. Don't let the nerdy name fool you; this guy is a badass. He immersed himself into both Iraq and Afgahnistan, sometimes literally running for his life alongside US troops, and other times observing the different and sometimes haunting Arabic customs. He doesn't get preachy, either. He simply writes about what he sees, which makes it much more powerful. If you've been wondering what it was like in those places, this is one to check out.

Happy New Year to all. If you plan on making any New Year's Resolutions, stop right now. It's not going to work. You'll thank me later.

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  1. very funny. several lols. just ask bighead.

  2. I think winter's suck the most after I wailed on my pecs at the gym and Im all sweaty walking to my care and that brisk Chicago air freezes me from left pec to right pec and down to my private parts.

  3. You know...I used to live in the Dakotas for 12 years. GA is where I call home, but I travel quite a bit & I absolutely LOATHE the summers in GA! I remember the cold & I only kind of miss it. I damn sure don't miss shoveling snow, waiting for the car to warm or plugging the car in at night, but I really do miss seeing the change of seasons. We don't exactly get that in GA!