Tuesday, December 30, 2008

News Flash: Chemistry Trumps Payroll

Clap your hands if you do not belong on the sidelines.

Shockingly, the Dallas Cowboys fell short once again, despite all of their recognizable names. And just like last year, the only guy who is oblivious to the reasons why just happens to run the team.

Jerry Jones, meet the Steinbrenners.

These guys really are something. The Higher-Ups all around them are winning titles by drafting well, trading well, and removing cancerous players from the locker room. Oblivious to this fact, Jones and the Steinbrenners spend so magnificently that it can only lead us to believe they're under the impression that throwing more cash around than the other guy leads to championships. That would be similar to me facing a brick wall, quickly contemplating how to navigate it, then deciding that bashing my head against it continuously is the best course of action. As I concuss myself, those behind me would simply walk around it.

Figure it out, idiots!

Hi, I'm Jerry Jones! I think it's a can't-miss winning formula to sign Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson and throw them on a team together! Pacman is a decent human being! What's that? You say he's responsible for the paralysis of a man in Las Vegas? Before that, he grabbed a stripper by the hair and slammed her head against the floor? ALLEGEDLY! What about Michael Vick? He hates dogs! That is far worse, my friend! And as for Tank, hey, the man likes guns! I like boating! A man can't help his hobbies! Sign them up! Eat my ass, P.T. Barnum!

pacman jones Pictures, Images and Photos

What? The Pacman signing backfired? I am SHOCKED!

My favorite part about this 2008 Dallas Cowboys circus is the fact that Jones didn't stop with Pacman. When Tony Romo went down with a boo boo on his pinkie, Jerral decided that his team needed another selfish, overhyped WR whose only professional experience had been in Detroit. Sounds like a winner! Hello, Roy Williams. Goodbye, four draft picks, including next year's 1st and 3rd rounders.

This is how Jones wants it. He thinks he has the know-how that's necessary to win titles, and the last decade of futility in Dallas should serve as proof. The early 90s dynasty that we remember was built by Jimmy Johnson. And there's a lesson in there somewhere that Jones has yet to discover: To win championships, you need a great coach. You don't need an owner that is convinced of his status as ringmaster. You need Jimmy Johnson and Bill Parcells. You don't need Barry Switzer or Wade Phillips.

Sadly, Jones will keep hiring yes-men like Switzer and Phillips because they allow him to act as he pleases. Phillips will wave happily to Jones as he intrudes on his sideline. He'll gladly grant him some locker room time before the game, after the game, or even at half. Where Johnson told Jones to get his ass off of his territory, Phillips will ask his owner if he needs a drink. So on and on the cycle will go. The Cowboys will stay America's Team because of their famous names and the drama that unfolds because of them. America loves its drama. And Jones will be left scratching his head as year after year goes by without another title. But hey, at least ticket prices will be higher than ever before!

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