Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Secret To Vampire Weekend's Success

Every once in a great while, a band comes along that redefines what it is to be great. Their music is better live than it is in studio. Their songs have significance to millions, their sound transcends genre, and in general, their perfect arrangements can take fans to a higher place.

Vampire Weekend is not one of those bands. They will never be one of those bands. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why so many teenagers, twentysomethings, and critics love their sound.

Take the video for the song A-Punk. I scoped it out after hearing good things about Vampire Weekend. I was excited, totally pumped for that rare experience of hearing a great band for the first time. Then I spent the entire song waiting for the shoe to drop.

You know what this reminds me of? OK Go. And wow, when I think dynamite bands, I think OK Go. Any group that makes a gimmicky music video says they made it because they're so "hilarious" and "quirky," but in reality gimmicky videos are used in order to "distract fans" from the "awful music."

Vampire Weekend is bailed out by their indie-pop label, of course. People hear the word 'indie' and immediately think 'underground,' which of course gives bands the leeway to absolutely blow. Because I'm always looking out for you, here's a quick Indie-to-English translator for you.

Raw = Awful
Undiscovered = Awful
Experimental = Awful
Underground = Awful

The other half of indie-pop would be the word "pop." In other words, harmless summer music best listened to while drunk, on a boat, or drunk while boating. If you want more examples of pop music, just think about whether or not the artist in question sings on stage with a headset mic. If so, we have a pop artist!

In Nitsuh Abebe's review of Vampire Weekend on Pitchfork, he says a lot of people hate the band because of their east coast preppie foundation. He could be mistaken. I can't stand Vampire Weekend because their music sucks. It's pretty simple. And if that makes me an indie music detractor, then fine.

I hear and read a lot of praise for Vampire Weekend's originality. Let me tell you something, folks. Just because a band is so transcendantly terrible that no other band has ever been as putrid, this does not make them orignial. If I formed a band and released an album, that record would also be original. Catch my drift? Vampire Weekend is being praised for being one-dimensional, simple, and untalented. I will now sit back and wait for the rest of you to figure it out.


  1. Looks like somthing that they would show on Sesami Street or Mr. Rogers. Yikes

  2. This is the most lucid commentary I've read on a phenomena that has plagued America - - yes, of course other countries too - - but mostly America - - for a long time.
    We're losing our ability to recognize and appreciate excellence.
    Who can we thank for this?
    No, it's not the industrial revolution. Nor the ones who decided to teach our children en mass.
    It's Mrs. Danielson! And others like her - - who have chosen to step into a traditional role known as 'Teacher,' but have manifested a role more suitably labled as "Minimizer' or 'Dispassionator' or 'Carreer Ender' or 'Antiwondernator' or 'Boredominducer' or 'Absolutelywrongfitagist' or
    Losing the ability to 'Get' excellence is also as a result of what's happening in the home. Simply put - - kids are not walking out the front door believing they are excellent. What's with that?!!
    A living, breathing, feeling being! A mind with incalculable complexity, a future of unlimited - - trulu un-limited potential, a soul so significant there is no way to measure it's full value.
    Not excellent?!!!
    How do we improve the situation - -
    Let's each convince someone near us - - a child, a teacher, or any other human - - - how amazing he/she is - - because it's true - - - and because it's desperately needed.