Saturday, March 7, 2009

Coors Light and ESPN? Let's Vent!

This post is a few days overdue. I'm writing it because I really need to vent. And I'm not going to vent like they do in those stupid Coors Light ads-I'm going to effing VENT.

I like to watch SportsCenter in the morning before I get ready for work. When I turn on the TV, I hope (against all odds) that this morning's edition of SC will actually have some highlights in it.

Coors Light-Related Interruption:

Hang on, hold that thought. Let's go back to those Coors Light commercials for a second. There's one in particular that's just brutal. Ok, so a guy answers the phone and upon listening for a second, he becomes noticeably worried. His girlfriend notices, and he tells her "Hey babe, that was my frat bro. He had another fight with his girlfriend. You know, the one that will soon be cheating on him with me? Yeah, he really needs to VENT." Oh wait, I can stop describing it. Here you go.

I love how Coors Light comes up with horrendous marketing schemes to disguise the fact that their beer tastes like giraffe urine. First it was the Coors Light Cooler, which was just like your typical cooler, except it was made of cardboard. Brilliant!

Now there's this widemouth idea. It's for those of us out there who are both immature enough to chug a crappy beer as quickly as possible and grown up enough to avoid using a beer bong or house keys. Wow, that's a huge demographic. Way to go, Coors Marketing Team!

Since this widemouth idea is terrible, it makes this commercial even worse. It would be much more effective if White Guy talked with Black Guy on the phone and told his girlfriend "I'm going to BG's place for a bit to pound a few Coors Lights." Bam. This ad would be just as effective and could be done in a 15 second space. My brilliant advertising strategy also saves money. Wake up, Coors. If you want normal people to buy your product, have your actors act normally. Write that down of you need to; it's a complicated concept.

Back To ESPN:

As I was saying, I watch SportsCenter in the morning to hopefully catch a minute or two of highlights among all the off-the-field events and extensive analytical breakdowns that ESPN thinks I want to see. But on Wednesday, March 4th, I was given even fewer highlights than usual, thanks to this bombshell:


That's really all that needs to be said. Maybe have a 1-on-1 with Smith to see if he has anything else to add. Instead, in the hour or so that I watched SportsCenter, ESPN had the following people on to discuss the release of Terrell Owens:

Michael Smith: The one guy that should have been on. He broke the story.
Chris Mortensen: Basically reiterated everything Smith said. Classic Mort.
Ed Werder: He was, shockingly, reporting live from Valley Ranch. Does Werder have a home of his own, or does he lurk around Cowboys facilities every day?
Mark Schlereth: Told me where T.O. might go now(Oakland). I immediately went on Twitter to relay this useless information.
Steve Young: Quick! We need a former T.O. teammate, currently retired, who now works for ESPN! Steve Young? Perfect! Call him! Wake his ass up!
Cris Carter: Quick! We need a former wide receiver, currently retired, who now works for ESPN! Keyshawn? He's not answering his phone! Call Cris Carter! Hurry! Wake his ass up!
John Clayton: In all honesty, I don't recall whether he was on or not. The reason I don't know is because I close my eyes whenever he's on TV. HD is not good to John Clayton. But he knows his stuff-try closing your eyes next time he's on. It's much more satisfying.
Stephen A. Smith: I was actually a fan of having Stephen A. on. If there's one thing I love early in the morning, it's having an ESPN personality scream at me regarding a topic outside the realm of his expertise. This is roughly equivalent to Dick Vitale calling a college hockey game at 7:30 in the morning.

All these people were on in less than an hour. Unbelievable. With the T.O. "news" combined with the missing South Florida boaters, SportsCenter had time to give us highlights of three (3) games. I wrote the number in parentheses so you'd know that it isn't a typo. The three games covered were Cavs/Bucks (a yawner, but King James needs his daily pub), Celtics/Nets, and Heat/Suns.

Apparently ESPN just bought MTV's new book, How to Kill the Industry You're Supposed to Be Spotlighting. The Cowboys haven't won a playoff game in over 13 years, yet I found myself inundated with offseason news from Dallas instead of things I actually want to see: highlights.

First of all, Chicago managed to win a game. Since I certainly didn't watch any of it, I wanted to see what happened to Golden State to make them lose to the Bullshits. I mean Bulls. I figured Stephen Jackson got himself ejected after shooting Benny the Bull, whose falling corpse concussed Vinny del Negro. But thanks to the T.O. coverage, I'll never know.

I also missed highlights of Utah beating Houston. The Jazz are currently my favorite team to watch since they're one of the few squads in the NBA with an entertaining offense that favors movement and teamwork over isolation and standing around. But instead I got a big batch of Ed Werder's moustache.

Am I alone here? Do you love hearing about off-the-field events? Do you love hearing from a never-ending barrage of analysts? Or should SportsCenter give us some freaking highlights instead?

For the answer, let's send it over to the expert panel of Barry Melrose, Bill Walton, Mel Kiper, Tom Jackson, Steve Phillips, and Mr. Snuffleupagus.

snuffleupagus Pictures, Images and Photos
"Terrell Owens couldn't get a job in the NFL  if he worked for peanuts. Up top!"

1 comment:

  1. Coors had me for about a minute with the Coach's Interview bits. But it stopped being funny after the 68th version. I'm pretty sure there was one with Dave Wannstedt and all that was said for 27 seconds was "ahhhh" and "Rashann has a lot of talent..."

    The Dick Vitale line made my side hurt.

    I totally disagree with your statement on closing your eyes whilst watching John Clayton. He makes me feel better about my looks on a daily basis.

    Steven A. Smith is an angry, angry man.

    T.O is a football catching, super jumping, fleet-footed Ebola virus. I'm excited to see those crazy-assed Northern New York guys absolutely put him in his place. You don't screw around with guys who have deer rifles in their car on a daily basis.