Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Guide To Words You Don't Use Correctly

Is this you? Do you sometimes get confused when someone mentions the words "elephant" and "moon" in the same sentence? Do you purposely avoid writing on your friends' Facebook walls for fear you'll use the wrong form of there/they're/their? Fear not, gentle idiot, I and my ultra-impressive English degree are here to help. Here are 4 words/phrases explained, which will help you write with the confidence of someone who wasn't dropped on his head as an infant.

4: Elephants and Moons We should get this out of the way just in case there's still some confusion. According to Wikipedia, elephants are land mammals equipped with tusks and a trunk. They are very large, very gray, and they freak out upon seeing mice(as cartoons have led me to believe). The Moon is Earth's only natural satellite. I can see where you might get confused, as the Moon is also very large and very gray.

How To Not Be An Idiot:
The Moon does not get scared upon seeing a mouse. That's how you know the Moon is bigger than an elephant. Bigger things are braver things.

2: Its/It's This will be a shock to most of you, but it's very possible for the word "it's" to lose its apostrophe. "It's" is a contraction, short for "it is." The word "its" is possessive, and is used to describe ownership. It does not need an apostrophe.

Example sentence: It's very possible for the word "it's" to lose its apostrophe.

How to not be an idiot: Read your sentence in the unshortened form. If you love to use apostrophes, take it out and see how it sounds. Like this: It is very possible for the word "it's" to lose it is apostrophe. See how stupid you sound? You're welcome.

3: Definitely Not defanatly. Not definitly. Definitely. You're an idiot.

How To Not Be An Idiot: Here's a link to the definition of the word 'finite.'(FIGH-night) It's a real word. So to spell definitely, it's de-finite-ly. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

4. I could care less Oh, could you? Okay, go ahead and care less and then get back to me.

How To Not Be An Idiot: If you're going to be sarcastic, don't half-ass it. "I couldn't care less." There is no possible way to care any less than this. That's the point you're trying to make, dum-dum.

Check back soon for Part II of Words You Don't Use Correctly. We'll be covering the infamous combos of there/they're/their and your/you're.

And yes, I'm aware the first image in the post depicts an event that never actually happened. The lady in the picture actually won like $50,000 or something. But she looks like a big idiot, right? Not the case. She's merely British.


  1. Just wanted to thank you for your comment. And to say there are several people I know that would benefit greatly from this post... anything to reduce the level of idiocy ;).

  2. Please go into depth in your next post re) the misuse of "regardless". It's not "Irregardless" - there is no such word. Dum-dums.