#1: The Drive-By CreepThe Jess and I did some errand-running on Saturday. After dropping off a package at FedEx, we were walking back to the car when a guy drove past us, spotted The Jess and held his glance for a good three seconds as he drove by. Now, I can completely understand this. The Jess is a good-looking lady. And to all you feminists: Yes, this could very well be objectification at its finest and downright creepy as well, but from a guy's perspective, this behavior is understandable. So I'm not going to knock this mystery creep's behavior. I will, however, knock his technique.
Dear Idiot who creeped on The Jess,
You were wearing dark sunglasses on Saturday. It might have been the most overcast day in the history of everything. You obviously didn't need sunglasses to ensure you drove safely. Thus, I must conclude that you were wearing dark sunglasses because of the other benefit: Creeping on chicks.
Good work, Dr. Douche! You've realized that you're able to creep on women without them knowing thanks to the glance-clouding power of your knockoff Oakleys. One thing you forgot, though: In order to keep a low profile, it's important that you DON'T TURN YOUR HEAD. I mean, shit. Your double take was so emphatic I'm surprised you didn't give yourself whiplash.
So, to you and all other wannabe sunglasses creepers: Only move the direction of your glance when you creep. Do not turn your head or you will be busted.
#2: The Greatest Pole
The first Monday every March marks Casimir Pulaski Day. We all know about his heroics in the American Revolution, but the real question is still unanswered: WHERE IS PULASKI BURIED?
According to several witnesses, Pulaski was buried at sea. *WARNING* POLISH JOKE IMMINENT.
Three men drowned digging his grave. Ohhhhhhhh SNAP!
But a grave site was recently examined on a Savannah plantation, where it was alleged Pulaski was buried. Then, after an EIGHT YEAR INVESTIGATION, the results were inconclusive.
Gah! Eight years of looking at a corpse and you still can't tell who it is? Who was running that operation? He spent two presidential terms examining a corpse, and because of that, he gets to answer the question "Was that really Pulaski?" with a resounding "DURRRRRR, I dunno!" What a waste of time.
That'd be the worst episode of Bones EVER.
#3: Farrakhan and Flying Saucers
Nation of Islam leader Minister Louis Farrakhan predicted yesterday that America will face its own imminent disaster and must prepare. This prediction comes on the heels of the Haiti and Chile earthquakes.
Farrakhan has been called a racist and anti-Semitic more than once. I don't know about all that. However, I'm fairly certain that using a premonition about an ascension into a flying saucer to predict future events is slightly iffy.
From Chicago Breaking News:
"Farrakhan described a spiritual experience in 1981 in which he ascended into a flying saucer and heard the voice of Elijah Muhammad predicting historical events that did come to pass."
This is how I imagine things playing out:
FARRAKHAN: I had a vision aboard a flying object in the sky! I now know that bad things will happen! And also good things! Basically, big events will sometimes occur!
Berlin Wall falls
FARRAKHAN: I totally called it!
I've totally got that song "I wear my sunglasses at night" stuck in my head. So, thanks. Thanks a lot.
ReplyDeleteTurning the head? Oh, the force it weak with that one.
ReplyDelete