Friday, April 17, 2009

Crank: High Voltage Trailer Cracks Me Up, Might Cause Me To Actually See Movie

Jason Statham isn't a one-trick pony or anything. The guy can really act. The Transporter was followed by The Transporter 2. Then came Crank. Then Death Race. And don't look now, but Crank 2: High Voltage opens today. I thought Philip Seymour Hoffman had the widest range of characters in his repertoire. Wrong! Watch these five aforementioned films and you'll be shocked to see Statham's ability to slightly tweak his bloodied, intensely pained facial expressions. The man's a genius. 

If his past grosses are any indication, we can expect Crank 2 to haul in about $20M this weekend. I would predict it to be more, but it's up against a Crowe/Affleck conspiracy flick as well as another Zac Efron tween machine. 

As Oscar-worthy as the Crowe and Efron movies look, I think I might spend my dough to see Crank: High Voltage this weekend. Why? If the title of this post didn't help, I just saw the greatest TV film trailer of all time. Here it is.

Have you ever played Mad Gab? It's an infuriating game. It gives you a few words to read aloud in order to figure out what it is you're actually supposed to be saying. If you ever want someone to hate you forever, get him Mad Gab. Here's an example.

Abe Hum Pen Thin Height = A Bump In The Night

It seems easy with the answer there, but try reading just Abe Hum Pen Thin Height over and over and see how smart you sound. It's like learning how to read all over again, except this time you're past puberty and your voice has changed. And instead of getting gold stars, you're getting laughed at. Reading sure is fun!

Anyway, the C: HV trailer has one of those puzzles too. Can you find it? I'll give you a hint. It's about midway through. Give up? Okay, so the narrator tells us "He'll try anything..." and then an old woman says "He treated me like his hot little whore." That alone would be hilarious enough, but then the narrator finishes his sentence. Now, is it just me, or does this Mad Gab make sense?

To Keep His Heart On = To Keep His Hardon

To tip it in, immediately after the narrator says "To keep his heart on," Statham is jumped by Amy (Not So) Smart who coos "I know how this game works!" Wow. 

Okay, so if you like subtlety in your movies, you should probably look elsewhere.

What I love about this is that C: HV is completely unapologetic about what it is. It's not trying to trick us into thinking it has a dynamite screenplay or even a plot outside of "Psycho Needs Adrenaline for 90 Minutes or He Dies." It's an in-your-face action movie that probably will have about 300 "Yeah, right" moments throughout, but it doesn't care. It has guns, women, blood, and explosions, and it's not sorry about it. 

That kind of honesty is refreshing and should be rewarded. That's why I'll illegally download go see Crank: High Voltage this weekend. 

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