Thursday, May 7, 2009

My Fantasy Baseball Team Is Better Than Your Fantasy Baseball Team, Part I

Studies show that nothing, aside from hearing about someone else's dream, is more boring than hearing about his fantasy team. This just in: I don't give a shit. I'm officially and actively trying to jinx my season because I'm so far ahead of the rest of the league that I feel like I'm doing something wrong. 

To start, let me explain the format. There are 10 teams, made up of me and nine of my buddies from high school. The scoring type is Rotisserie, meaning your stats accumulate over the entire season and never reset. Scoring is updated every day. If your team is leading a category(Home Runs, for example), you get 10 points added to your team's score. Last place in a category gets one point. There are 14 categories in all, 7 offensive and 7 pitching. Quick math tells us that the maximum score a team can have is 140 points(14 categories x 10 points per category led).

As of today, May 7th, 2009, my team has 136 points, 46.5 points ahead of 2nd place.

For you noobs out there, this is unprecedented. Unheard of. Shocking, absurd, and slightly horrifying. This just doesn't happen, and frankly, I'm a little scared by my greatness. Now you know why I'm trying to jinx my season.

The seven offensive categories are Runs, Home Runs, RBIs, Stolen Bases, Strikeouts, Batting Average, and On-Base plus Slugging. My team(The Peter Moylans) has 10 points in every...single...offensive category.

The Moylans are also leading the pitching categories of Wins, ERA, WHIP, and Quality Starts. They are third in the league in Saves, generating 8 points for the category. Finally, they're second in the league in Losses and Strikeouts, good for 9 points each.

Let's do the math. I'm leading 11 of 14 categories. 11 x 10 is 110 points. Two second place categories plus one third place category amounts to 26 more points. 110 + 26 is 136, four points shy of the maximum score possible. 

Again, I cannot begin to describe how absurd this is. Simply thinking about it makes me laugh. I tell my coworkers about it despite the fact that none of them are sports fans, let alone fantasy sports fans. I know I'm boring them and I don't care. This must be what it's like to have an athletic child. 

So what's my secret? Well, it's all pretty much luck of the draw and plain old dumb luck. The league held its annual draft on the last day of March, and I can't say I researched beforehand. I also can't say that I even remembered the draft. Our league commissioner, Brian, was sporting enough to send me a "Where the shit are you?" text as the draft was about to begin. I almost missed the whole thing.

But I drafted well despite my lack of knowledge, and my team, for the most part, has been healthy so far. And my lord, have they been performing. So here it is. I know you're all dying to know my roster. Here it is: the best fantasy baseball team of 2009. Today I'll be going over my offensive lineup. Tomorrow, pitchers.

Catcher: Brian McCann McCann has actually been on the Disabled List for some time with some kind of strange eye infection going on. Apparently eyesight in baseball is important. So the spot of Catcher has been empty ever since he went on the DL. My backup is Matt Wieters, a can't-miss rookie who will be called up by the Orioles at the beginning of June. Right now the phenom is still in the Minors. McCann's Rank: 750
1st Base: Albert Pujols Here's where luck of the draw comes in. Pujols, as you may know if you scroll down a couple of posts, is the apple of my eye. I was lucky enough to land in the perfect spot on the draft board: 2nd overall pick. Hanley Ramirez of the Marlins was taken 1st overall and he's been underperforming so far. Had I gotten 1st pick, I would have picked Ramirez. 3rd pick or later and Pujols is unavailable. But I had the 2nd pick and there he was. On pace for .364 AVG, 61 HRs, 173 RBIs, 156 runs, 22 SBs. Pujols's Rank: 2
2nd Base: Robinson Cano Performing beyond expectations considering the season he had last year. On pace for .333 AVG, 30 HRs, 102 RBIs, and 120 runs. Cano's Rank: 45
Shortstop: Michael Young Batting in the heart of the order for a high-octane Texas Rangers club. On pace for .333 AVG, 42 HRs, 96 RBIs, 126 runs, 12 SBs. Young's Rank: 28
3rd Base: Evan Longoria It's true. I have Pujols and Longoria on the same team. Lock it up. This guy is going have a very, very special career, and I'm lucky enough to have him on my squad in 2009. On pace for .358 AVG, 45 HRs, 195 RBIs(which would shatter the MLB record), and 117 runs. Longoria's Rank: 5
Outfielder: Carl Crawford Turned down scholarship offers to play QB at Nebraska and USC (among others) and point guard at UCLA. Opted to play baseball instead. Good choice. Recently tied a modern-day record with 6 stolen bases in one game. Check out his projected SB numbers. On pace for .302 avg, 0 HRs, 67 RBIs, 95 runs, 112 SBs. Crawford's Rank: 21
Outfielder: Shane Victorino Speedy, hits well, scores in bunches, doesn't strike out. Sign me up. On pace for .306 AVG, 26 HRs, 123 RBIs, 149 runs, 19 SBs. Victorino's Rank: 39
Utility: Aaron Hill Previously unknown Toronto Blue Jays middle infielder is outperforming nearly everyone else in the league. I doubt he'll stay at his current pace, but it's been quite a month for him.Oh, and also, I'd love to say I saw him as a sleeper during our draft, but that's not the case. He was a free agent for weeks until I swooped in on him. He's accumulated most of his stats thus far away from my team. On pace for .366 AVG, 38 HRs, 146 RBIs, 130 runs, 11 SBs. Hill's Rank: 7
Utility: Prince Fielder A notorious slow starter, Prince will be warming up alongside the weather. The fact that I absolutely hate him doesn't change the fact that he can flat-out rake when he's right. On pace for .258 AVG, 29 HRs, 127 RBIs, 69 runs, league-leading 179 strikeouts(hooray). Prince's Rank: 136
Bench: Denard Span D-Nard is my only bench player currently worth mentioning. I have been alternating him and Prince back and forth depending on whether I need Runs, Avg, SBs, and minimal Ks(Span's area) or HRs, RBIs, and OPS(Prince's specialty). But since I'm leading every single category, I've been struggling to decide who to bench. Ha! It's a great problem to have. On pace for .305 AVG, 6 HRs, 81 RBIs, 75 runs, 40 SBs. Span's Rank: 107

Let me reiterate once more that this squad is leading all seven offensive categories, and the rest of the league is actually trying. Absolutely unprecedented. Wow, this post was lengthier than I thought it would be. I must really love my team. If I bored you, again, I don't care. Watch for the pitching roster of the Best Fantasy Baseball Team Ever Built to hit your monitor sometime tomorrow. Until then, as always, my fantasy baseball team is better than your fantasy baseball team.


  1. My thoughts:

    1. you're fantasy baseball team is better than mine because I don't have one

    2. had to look up Peter Moylan (thought he was some character on Family Guy) - why have I never heard this guy's story? OMG - he'll be the subject of a Disney movie soon.

    3.Yes, this is what it feels like to have an athletic child. Or, slides of your trip to the Grand Canyon. However, I read the whole blog, so obviously someone cares.

  2. 1. typo - should read "your"

  3. Typo correction acknowledged. As for Peter Moylan, relief pitcher for the Atlanta Braves, there's actually a whole story behind my sudden awareness of his existence. It involves the other contributor to this blog, danTHEman.

    Side note: I will soon fire danTHEman from Common Vents if he doesn't write something soon. And I'll enjoy doing it.

  4. Your team has nothing on me. Next year let's get a league going.

  5. any comment, danTHEman?

  6. A little early to start counting your winnings dont you think?

    All you need is your ace and one of you better hitters to get hurt...and WATCH the rest of the league start to come back on you. Typical rookie mistake to call it over in

  7. You are correct, my team has experienced a pretty hefty decline since I wrote this post. 2nd place is now just 29.5 points behind me. My pitching, in particular, is in a free fall.

    I wrote this post when I did because I knew my team would not get higher than 136 points out of a possible 140, and I simply had to record it. If I had money riding on this league, I probably wouldn't have written it.

    But since I only have pride on the line, I'll take my squad's performance in that first month and a half over a fake trophy any day.