Friday, May 1, 2009

I Love Pooholes.

Yes, I'm aware it's spelled Pujols. I just wanted to give Dr. Freud's decayed corpse something to get excited about. The fact is, I love the St. Louis Cardinals' first baseman so much that I've composed a sonnet for him. I will soon mail it to him along with some bedazzled denim and a vial of my blood. I'm only kind of kidding. And no, you cannot see the sonnet. 

I said no! 

Okay, fine.

His swing makes me happier than pigs are in poo
When he connects on first-pitch fastballs,
No one rakes like King Albert, it's true,
He's the monarch whose bombs scale walls.
His approach at the plate is an odd one indeed,
It's a method that can contradict,
His calm, quiet stance quickly is freed
By a tempest that would make Shakespeare shit.
And so, as another white pill starts its trek
To Big Mac Land, to feed the obese,
A feeling of shame turns me into a wreck
Despite his power display that won't cease.
For while he is, let's face it, The Man
I remain a die-hard Cubs fan. 

That was thoroughly creepy, huh? I'm glad we got that out of the way. The reason I'm so conflicted is that Pujols keeps my fantasy baseball team firmly in first place because of what he's doing to the hopes of my real baseball team. The man cannot be stopped, folks. Let's look at where he ranks a month into the 2009 season in the 7 offensive categories my fantasy league tracks. All of these ranks encompass all of Major League Baseball.

Runs: 22 (4th)
HR: 8 (t-3rd)
RBI: 28 (1st)
SB: 4 (t-23rd)
K: 7
AVG: .337 (t-22nd)
OPS: 1.132 (8th)

I mean, come on. The guy is ridiculous. The runs, home runs, RBIs, batting average, and OPS (on-base % + slugging %) are all expected. What I can't get over is how rarely Pujols strikes out(to put it in perspective, Prince Fielder, another NL Central slugger, currently has 3 home runs, 15 RBIs, and an NL-leading 27 strikeouts) and the fact that Pujols, who has no shortage of mass, has 4 stolen bases already. This is the same number as Jose Reyes, Grady Sizemore, Derek Jeter, and Alfonso Soriano. 

All of these incredible stats are good enough to make Albert Pujols the current #2 player in fantasy baseball, behind only the Royals' Zack Greinke. Oh, and Greinke is on my squad, too. 



  1. One of those stolen bases was off the Cubs & the inept (at holding guys on, anyway,) Carlos Marmol. Decided the game. I hate him. I love him. I love to hate him. I hate to...somebody tell me to stop!

  2. poo-jols is the best right handed hitter of all-time - period.

  3. I don't think he's the best righty of all time yet. Baseball purists will throw Rogers Hornsby and Honus Wagner out there. I won't, because there's no way to compare their stats with the players of today. The game was way too different back then.

    However, I feel that Hank Aaron is the best righty of all time, followed closely by Willie Mays.

    And I wouldn't say Pujols is even the best righty of our generation. That title, at the moment, goes to either Manny Ramirez or Frank Thomas.

    Pujols is, however, the best hitter in the game today. Easily.

  4. room for Longoria?