CBS Gives Us What We Want: Jenna Elfman!

Here's a sampling of some of the comments about Accidentally on Purpose from cbs.com's page:

"Jenna Elfman is as good at comedy as anyone.I think"Accidentally On Purpose"will be a big hit for CBS."

"Come on people there are much worse shows on tv than this. It might actually teach some young women that they should think twice before going home with some guy at a bar. I think it will be a funny show. I'm looking forward to it. If you don't like it, don't watch it. This is America!"

"maybe this show will teach young men the repercussions of sleeping promiscuously with women. or that they should think twice before taking some girl home from a bar."

Yeah, if anything, Accidentally on Purpose will make every man in America stop engaging in one night stands. That's what we call an Adorable Comment From an Elderly CBS Viewer Who Can Use a Computer But Somehow Doesn't Have the Mental Capacity to Understand That Nothing Short of a Pecker Gunshot Wound Will Stop Men From Hooking Up With Random Girls at Bars.

I can picture the show being pitched to CBS: "It's Dharma & Greg, but with an unwanted pregnancy." CBS Execs then went ape shit, throwing money and feces all over the board room. And just like that, Accidentally on Purpose was green lighted. Or is it green lit? Let's go with green lit.

There are many reasons I'll never watch this show. And to convince you why you should never watch it either, here they are.

1. WTF does Accidentally on Purpose even mean? I'll guess that it means Elf Man has always wanted a baby but didn't plan on it happening like this. Off the top of my head, better names for the show would be Preggers, How I Banged Your Mother, It's Like Knocked Up Except Completely Opposite, and Elf Men CAN Give Birth!

2. Laugh Tracks make shows worse You know what's really hilarious? Having something tell me when to laugh. I don't have much of a sense of humor, so it's good to have the laugh track letting me know when I should be laughing.

In all seriousness, CBS still exclusively uses laugh tracks because their viewers (see reason #4) need to be told when to laugh, which is why CBS comedies traditionally are atop the weekly ratings. But now that we've had primetime shows like Arrested Development and Curb(followed by The Office and 30 Rock), shows that are bold enough and confident enough to know that their material is funny and their audience might actually recognize it on their own, adding a laugh track to a show is a real cornball move.

3. Jenna Elfman has a starring role. I thought our nation learned its lesson after the abomination known as Dharma & Greg. There's a Family Guy clip about the show that I couldn't find online, so I'll set the scene for you.

Dharma is standing on a couch. Greg comes in and says "Dharma, get down from there! Wow, I can't believe what a free spirit you are!" Fake audience laughs mildly. Dharma says "Nuh-uh, Goofy! Why don't you come UP?!" Greg says "You know what, maybe I will!" and stands on the couch. Fake audience cracks up to the point of poopypants, but luckily the entire crowd is senile and equipped with Depends.

We get it. The Elf Man is quirky. She's got spunk. Greg is a vanilla corporate guy. The two are complete opposites. AND THAT'S WHY IT WORKS!!!111!! That could have been summed up in one episode. Instead, Dharma & Greg lasted for 5 seasons and cranked out 119 episodes. And Accidentally on Purpose will probably enjoy similar success, because...

4. The show airs on CBS and people who watch CBS are elderly, idiots, or both. For reference, see the network's excruciating Monday night comedy lineup. A couple friends have told me How I Met Your Mother is a solid show and Big Bang Theory isn't terrible, but I wouldn't know because I gave Two and a Half Men a try. I figured hey, it's the most-watched comedy on TV, maybe it's decent.

And then I spent the next two days bedridden, shivering, and screaming "WHYYYYY???" over and over like Nancy freaking Kerrigan. I almost didn't make it. I'm never taking a chance with a CBS comedy again. For those of you who've never seen 2.5 Men, watch this instead. If we have similar senses of humor, you'll get more laughs out of this 17 second clip that you would from all the seasons of 2.5 Men combined.



I beg of you, do not watch Accidentally on Purpose. Your parents might watch it. Your grandparents definitely will. But you will not. Our generation will be the one that finally abolishes laugh-tracked sitcoms. We can do it. Let's make the world a better place for future generations. YES WE CAN!