Why I'm Switching to Old Spice

My cell phone alarm is a total dick. It never says to itself, "Wow, Luke looks really comfortable today. You know what? I'll give him a few extra minutes of sleep. What harm could it do?"

Instead, it sends me brain waves that wake me up 10 minutes before the alarm is set to go off. When that happens, I just lay in bed and hate my life until it goes off. Waking up a few minutes before your alarm is not pleasant.

Obviously, I'm not a morning person. Whenever I wake up for work I have a serious battle with myself for 10 or 15 seconds about whether or not I'm quitting my job so I can get more sleep. And I LOVE my job. I'm just trying to explain what mornings are like for me, so you can appreciate the miracle performed by this commercial.



This ad snapped me out of my zombie-like state and actually made me crack up just 15 minutes after I got out of bed. I laughed harder at this than I did during any Super Bowl ad. I even rewound the DVR and watched it a second time. This is a miraculous feat, and I shall reward Old Spice by switching back to their body wash. As Old Spice itself says on the YouTube video description, "We're not saying this body wash will make your man smell into a romantic millionaire jet fighter pilot, but we are insinuating it. "

Sold. Despite the puzzling use of the word 'into,' a thousand times sold.

Other Items:
Thanks to @wottenhoff for introducing me to a couple great sites yesterday. Just click on the images to transport yourself to the respective web sites. Happy Hump Day.

2010 Oscar Preview: Best Supporting Actress

Note from Luke: This post was written by Bighead, resident film guru at Common Vents. You can read his post on the Top 10 Oscar Snubs here.

Let's get right to it. From worst-to-first, here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress. It should be noted that this order doesn't necessarily reflect who I think will win. It reflects who I think most deserves the Oscar.

5. Penelope Cruz - Nine

I don't want to put Penelope Cruz's Oscar chances at 0%, but I might as well for two reasons. 1) She won Best Supporting Actress last year, and 2) She starred in one of the biggest cinematic disappointments of the year.

Before I saw Nine, I noticed there were 7 Oscar wins and 19 total nominations amongst the cast. Inexplicably, the best casting choice in Nine is Fergie. That should tell you what a disappointment the film is. Fergie did exactly what I was expecting her to do. She sang, danced and looked hot. Perfect casting! I don't want to hear Daniel Day-Lewis sing. I don't want to hear Dame Judi Dench sing. I don't want to hear Penelope Cruz sing. I want to see them act because, get this: they are all actors.

Saying Penelope Cruz was one of the top five supporting actress performances this year is just dumb. And how Marion Cotillard got snubbed (I saw Nine after I made my "Snubbed" list) I'll never know. Cotillard can act AND sing. She belongs in musicals moreso than Penelope Cruz, and she definitely deserved a supporting actress nod above Cruz.

Side note: I really hope Marion performs "Take It All" come Oscar Night. HOT.

4. Vera Farmiga - Up In the Air

Up In the Air was one of my favorite movies of the year and one of the reasons was the banter between George Clooney and Vera Farmiga. She played the powerful CEO/modern woman to perfection and although I probably should have hated her at the end of the movie...I didn't. Very few people, if any, could have played this role as well as she did.

Unfortunately, she's going to be overlooked by the Academy because of somebody else on this list.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Crazy Heart

I either really love Maggie Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko, Stranger Than Fiction) or really hate her (Mona Lisa Smile, The Dark Knight) so I was as up in the air as George Clooney when it came to her performance in Crazy Heart. I mean, did you SEE her in The Dark Knight? She was even worse than Bale's Batman voice. Watching the scene between Heath Ledger and Maggie when he crashes the party was like watching Michael Jordan vs. Craig Ehlo. Technically they're doing the same thing, but one's just so much better than the other.

But her performance in Crazy Heart was different, and kind of confusing. I think the easiest thing for me to do is break it down in the movie's chronological order.

1. Maggie as a reporter: Boring
2. Bad Blake creeping on Maggie: Awkward
3. Maggie making out with Bad Blake: Creepy
4. Maggie with her kid: Realistic
5. Maggie when her child is missing: Heart-wrenching
6. Maggie mad at Bad: Amazingly powerful

The more I think about it, the more I loved her in this movie. And although I was questioning it at first, this is an extremely well-deserved nomination...but Oscar's not for her this year.

2. Mo'Nique - Precious (Based on the blah blah blah...)

Let's get this out of the way: Mo'Nique is going to win Best Supporting Actress. I know it. Everybody else knows it. But she shouldn't. Everybody is loving Precious: Based On the Novel Push by Sapphire and the Title keeps on Going For No Reason and It Never Fits on the Marquee but I'm not. I liked the last scene she was in and that was it.

The rest of her performance is just her being a bitch, and I don't consider that to be difficult or extraordinary acting. But Mo'Nique has won every award there is, and she will win the Oscar. Any Academy members who were on the fence were most likely swayed in her direction when she gave her speech at the Golden Globes. It was a pretty f-ing awesome speech.

1. Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air

This is the best supporting performance of the year, male or female. I'm saying that right now. In this role, Kendrick is powerful, yet unsure of herself. Serious, yet funny. Awkward, yet sexy. Unfortunately, there are three things preventing Anna Kendrick from taking home Oscar:

1. She's splitting votes with Vera Farmiga.
2. Mo'Nique is very smooth and has the aforementioned momentum.
3. Anna Kendrick also stars in the Twilight series, lessening her credibility.

Fortunately for Anna, when the Academy chooses to be kooky with their votes, it's usually for supporting categories so I'm still keeping my fingers crossed.

The Oscars are March 7th, but until then, get ready to read more of my previews. Peace.

The Facebook Double Dip

Everything's Coming up Milhouse!

Just days after being contacted by one Baron Boronski (proof), I find this ad in my Facebook sidebar. And this is NOT an ad that changes its text to fit the profile of the person looking at it. If it simply said "Hey! 26-year-old! Want an iPad?" I'd be all "Pfffff. Whatever, Facebook." But they're looking for a 26-year-old who's also male AND happens to live in Illinois. This ad so eerily fits my life that these can't all be mere coincidences.

This is destiny.

I was planning on buying the absurdly overpriced, obese iPod Touch that's coming soon with my own money. I was going to fund the purchase with some chump change from the millions that are likely coming my way thanks to my new partnership with The Baron. But now, thanks to this new iPad testing gig, it appears I can spend my millions elsewhere. Things just keep going my way!

Facebook 101: How To Murder An Otherwise Great Status Update

Gah.

If this commenter and Buzz Killington somehow conceived, the resulting offspring would be capable of sucking more fun out of the room than anyone who has ever lived. A tip for said commenter: Before you lecture, do some research. Since you have a Facebook profile, I'm assuming you've heard of Google (they're the company that makes commercials which reduce 26-year-old males from Illinois to tears). The status you commented on is a quote, from one "Liz Lemon." Go ahead and Google her. Hmmm...it appears as though Liz Lemon is a fictional character in NBC's 30 Rock.

Therefore, it's astronomically likely that the status you're reading is not how this person actually feels, but it's someone else's words that are being rebroadcast in an effort to brighten the gloom of Monday morning. The proper reaction here is to laugh contentedly to oneself and wonder "Oh, Liz Lemon. Will you EVER find a man?" The improper reaction is to whiff like Dave Kingman and commence the lecturing.

When Baron Boronski's Business Takes Off, I'm In on the Ground Floor, Baby!

The morning tradition around these parts is to wake up, refuse coffee, drive into work on I90 while fighting off sleep with an abundance of Muse and/or Weezy, park the car at the office and sit at my desk to go over any emails I missed. Usually there are a couple pieces of junk in there. Most of them are pretty underwhelming. Until now.

I just got a personal letter from one Baron Boronski (possibly pictured at right), who happens to be letting me in on the ground floor of a very special project. Below is what the Baron sent to me. Prepare to be jealous.

From: Baron Boronkski (aaa@w77qdo5jx.homepage.t-online.de)
Subject: A proposal which will benefit both of us
Importance level: !!

"PLEASE CONTACT ME ON baronboronski@aol.com

I am Baron Boronski .I have a legitimate business proposal for
you.Email me at baronboronski@aol.com for more details.

My Regards,
Baron Boronski."

Needless to say, I sent the Baron five emails in 20-minute increments to let him know I was interested in his business proposal. For those of you who are worried that 1) His use of punctuation is rather odd, 2) His email address is not an AOL one, but a very spammy looking one, and 3) He doesn't actually say what his business proposal is, well, you simpletons just don't know how these things work.

The guy's name is Baron Boronski, folks. BARON. BORONSKI. Can a name GET any more badass? With a name like that, it doesn't matter what business he's got in mind. The product sells itself! I'm ready to invest in anything, whether it's a shitty frozen pizza company or a puzzlingly obsolete fighter pilot academy whose students are trained to shoot down WWI flying aces and/or sassy beagles.

The baron obviously needs my help, or he wouldn't have flagged the email with a double-exclamation mark importance level. Sometimes those of us with servants' hearts are rewarded. Oftentimes it's intangible rewards, but rarely the reward can come in the form of monetary compensation.

Once I'm independently wealthy I'll reward the rest of you who have servants' hearts by making you my maids and butlers. THANK YOU, BARON BORONSKI!

The Top 10 Oscar Snubs

Note from Luke: This post was written by Bighead, resident movie guru at Common Vents. Be on the lookout for more of his Oscar previews in the next month.


#10: Capitalism: A Love Story (Best Documentary)

I haven't seen any of the documentaries up for an Oscar this year (and I won't). This means I haven't seen Capitalism: A Love Story, but it's making the list just because a snubbed Michael Moore is the best kind of Michael Moore. I'm really glad I won't have to hear him talk about how much America sucks.

Surprisingly, the most enjoyable project Michael Moore has been involved with was in Team America, a film he did not direct, but merely fake-acted in. Fake Moore played a dangerously obese suicide bomber who detonated in the middle of Team America HQ, triggering (pun!) a series of events that climaxed (remix!) when Spottswoode forced Gary into an act of extreme loyalty.

#9: Invictus/Clint Eastwood (Best Picture/Best Director)

The Academy loves Clint Eastwood and everything that he makes. Add that fact to the decision to expand the Best Picture category to 10 films, and you get an obligatory Best Picture nod for Invictus, right? Well, apparently not.

Before the nominations were announced I put Invictus at the bottom of my Best Picture nominees. Eastwood completely blew it by somehow making this amazing story with two amazing actors amazingly boring. I know Clint doesn't like to do a lot of takes, but it was like he put this high budget movie together in about a week. This snub is completely deserved and I applaud the academy for choosing The Blind Side as its sports movie of the year.

#8: "Stu's Song" The Hangover (Best Original Song)

All of Ed Helms' campaigning wasn't enough to get it into contention. I would've loved to see the orchestra perform it at the classy Academy Awards like 2000's "Blame Canada" for South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

I love me some Ed Helms. He was a standout on The Daily Show and he's a standout in The Office and The Hangover. Just look at that picture. Glorious.

#7: Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber (500) Days of Summer (Best Original Screenplay)

Have you seen this movie yet? I haven't talked to one person who didn't enjoy (500) Days. The movie is a flat-out delight, and it's mostly thanks to the superbly crafted love story. It was completely clever and completely original, so much so that the only reason for its snubbing that I can come up with is the brutally hipster parentheses in the title. Yes, (500) Days, we get it. You're an Indie flick. Do you know how hard parentheses are to type? It's completely inefficient, and even worse, the parentheses don't seem to serve a purpose. This is why you were snubbed.

Regardless, this is a fantastic movie. But even if it DID get a nomination, it had no chance against the likes of Tarantino, the Coens and Pixar.

#6: Star Trek (Best Picture)

Ever since The Dark Knight, movie makers are starting to understand what it takes to make a quality superhero/sci-fi movie. Star Trek was no exception. It injected life into a stale franchise and introduced us to the Next Generation (someone stop me!) of movie stars, including one Zoe Saldana, whom we may see later in this list.

Unfortunately, J.J. Abrams had to release Star Trek in 2009, the year of District 9 and, of course, Avatar. All this does is reinforce my theory that adults named J.J. are big, fat idiots. Let's be frank here, people. Star Trek was great, but three sci-fi Best Picture nominations just was not gonna happen. Abrams will have to be content with the mere $385M Star Trek has grossed worldwide.

#5: Emily Blunt The Young Victoria (Best Actress)

She was dynamite in this film, but I'm actually glad that another portrayal of a Queen of England isn't in the mix (they seem to happen every year). Blunt will get her Oscar soon enough. Just wait. She's my "Pick to Click" for the next couple of years.

Some of you may know that Emily Blunt is engaged to John Krasinski of The Office. And while I'm here, let me just say that The Office has BLOWN lately. The big mistake? Putting Jim and Pam together, of course. Where's the drama? There is none, because they're in a happy marriage. BAH, I say! Come on, NBC! Give The Office some life again! Divorce Jim and Pam! Put Jim with the NEW receptionist and create a feud between him and Andy! Are you telling me you wouldn't watch that? EVERYONE WOULD WATCH THAT.

#4: Ben Foster The Messenger (Best Actor)

Jeremy Renner got a nod for his portrayal in The Hurt Locker by playing a bomb squad soldier in the middle of the war in Iraq, and it would've been nice to see Ben Foster get credit for showing what a soldier serving at home has to go through. His performance was better than both Morgan Freeman and Colin Firth, but one "rising star" in the mix is good enough for the Academy.

Which is complete garbage, of course. I don't understand these legacy nominations. Morgan Freeman is a talented actor, yes. But there's one important detail: Invictus was not a good movie. Not in the least. In fact, it was a huge letdown. So why not reward an actor who'd actually appreciate the nomination? Freeman's been through this before. Come on, Academy. Stop rewarding biopic roles and give nominations to people who deserve it.

#3: The Hangover  (Best Picture)

I thought The Hangover's Golden Globe win was going to be enough to put the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time into contention. It would've been a better "complete" list for the average fan if it took the place of A Serious Man.

It looks as though, even with the expansion to 10 Best Picture nominees, well-made comedies are still going to be overlooked. Making a memorable, quotable and hilarious film is not at all easy, and people who are able to pull it off need to start receiving some recognition come awards time. Maybe when Best Picture expands to 20 nominees they'll finally have justice.

#2: Tobey Maguire Brothers (Best Supporting Actor)

He got nominated for Best Actor at the Golden Globes, but if you put him in the Best Supporting category (where he actually belongs), he's the only man who comes close to taking the Oscar away from Christoph Waltz. Instead, he doesn't even get nominated.

For proof of why this is such a travesty, just watch the last five minutes of Brothers. I was afraid Tobey would jump out of the screen and kill me. In all honesty, I was hoping Natalie Portman would be able to make him happy at the end so I wouldn't have nightmares about him. Never thought Peter Parker, aka Emo Spiderman, could make me feel that way.

#1: Zoe Saldana Avatar (Best Actress)

I keep hearing Zoe doesn't deserve a nomination because Avatar is all special effects. Absolutely incorrect. She had me convinced that she ACTUALLY WAS a member of the Na'vi. And it wasn't the effects, but the raw emotion. If you need proof about Saldana's performance, take a look at Sigourney Weaver. When she was in her Avatar body, fully immersed in the special effects, did you believe she was actually Na'vi? No, you didn't.

Zoe Saldana was essentially wearing super high-tech makeup. More than any other character in Avatar, she convinced me that Pandora was a real place. She needs to be given credit for being the best actor in the highest grossing film of all time.

So that does it. Although these are my "Snubs of the Year" and I've bitched about the Academy from time to time, they really couldn't have gotten it much better. It's a great mix of classic Academy voting and "mainstream" movies that will appeal to all moviegoers.

The Oscars are March 7th, but until then, be on the lookout for more of my previews. Peace.

4 reasons why the Kindle is a better eReader than the iPad

We've all thought it: "Wow, this book sure is wonderful. I only wish I could turn it sideways and read it landscape style!" Thankfully, Apple unveiled the iPad last week. When the #1 reason to buy it is "It's undeniably cool," (proof) it's safe to say the device has issues:

The top-of-the-line model will run you more than $800, not to mention the $130 3G premium fee and the $30/month it will cost you to use the service. On top of that, we have the lack of multitasking, no camera, an intangible keyboard and mystery surrounding what the iPad will do to the already stretched AT&T 3G coverage. Smaller issues basically start and end with the lack of Flash. Big deal for some, not so much for others. But I digress.

What I really want to talk about is the notion that the iPad is a revolutionary eReader that will destroy Amazon's Kindle. As a Kindle owner, I find myself feeling like a parent whose child is being picked on. I need to defend the ones I love.

This is not a new feeling for me. I've long been on the outside, looking in when it comes to Apple products. I own an antiquated iPod (it plays video!) and I use a Mac at work (I hate it. It's slow on its best day and it downright crawls when I have multiple applications running, particularly iWork). That's the extent of my Appledom.

This lack of Apple fandom means some of you have already tuned me out, which is fine. You were going to get the iPad anyway, and nothing I could say will stop you. But for those of you on the fence, intrigued by the iPad's capabilities as an eReader, I have a list for you to take a gander at.

1. Battery Life

Word on the street is the iPad can give you 10 hours of life when fully charged. This sounds impressive until you consider the Kindle runs for two weeks when not connected to its (free) 3G coverage and one week if connected.

iPad: 10 hours max.
Kindle: 336 hours max.

Smokeshow.

YouTube Mouth-Breathers Look for iPad Info, Get Duped by The Onion

I'm back. iPad.

Note from Luke: This post was written by Apple junkie "Downtown" Dan

Dammit, Steve Jobs.

You were this close to setting my credit card afire once again. But the iPad, while really sweet, is missing some key components. Don't worry, Steve. A couple easy fixes/upgrades before the end of March and you've got me for another $600. Promise-Thomas.

I am an Apple Fanboy. I will readily admit it. I have an Apple laptop, iPhone, Apple earbuds, several generation of the iPod and a naked picture of Bea Arthur.

When I saw the iPad in all its shiny glory, I geeked out.

My first impression was an iPhone & Laptop Screen had a Megan Fox of a tech baby. Sleek, pretty, and drool-inducing. And hot......oooo.....sleek....um.....pretty..... What was I talking about? ....right. iPad.

(To show my gender bipartisanship, here's a picture for the ladies. Good? Moving on.)

THE BAD NEWS:

1. Lack of FLASH! What's Adobe Flash? It's what makes video happen and heavy graphic load properly in most browsers.

For example:



See? Not only was my point made, but a chuckle was induced. Why? Because of Flash. This post's rambling would have forced you back to Perez Hilton without the use of Flash. Now I have you for a few more paragraphs....Thanks, Flash!

2. And what about Multitasking? Right now I've got a browser open, iTunes playing, my calendar open and an illegal torrent downloading. I'm able to flip to each instantly, without waiting for a program to load each time. iPhone users who've ever wanted to pop out of an App to check something in Safari know what I'm talking about.

3. There's no camera, we don't know how AT&T is going to handle the spike in 3G traffic or the fact that App Store apps work, but look wonky from footage. But I digress.

THE GOOD NEWS:

1. Apple developed their very own silicone 1 gigahertz processor for this bad boy. (That's like putting a 350hp engine into a Honda Civic. Vroom.) It will cruise, no lagging, no waiting.

2. The cost could be much worse. It starts at $500 and tops off at $800. Considering the Kindle DX (awesome device, but in for a world of hurt) runs $489, who wouldn't pay a little more for all the extras the iPad has to offer? This including color reading for not only books, but magazines and newspapers.

3. Movies will be SICK on this device. 10" LED will pop. Movies will become more intimate. I'm a fan of putting on my headphones and watching movies on my laptop. There's a sense of immersion you don't get in theaters or on a TV. This device will be perfect for that effect.

4. Email will be a cinch and photo albums will be fun to look through (even if you're not one of those self-obsessed folks that have 3,000 pictures on Facebook).

5. Open coding will allow for iPad specific apps that I'm sure developers are already salivating over building ($$$$$$$$$$). If the App Store is any sense of what developers can create, watch out. Granting those developers a faster processor with more ability....who knows what kinds of games, utilities, etc, can come from this.

THE VERDICT: (for now)

Until I get FLASH and MULTITASKING, it is a no-go for me. It can't be the best internet experience ever if I don't have all the internet.

With those added, this will the end-all, be-all of portable entertainment and connectivity. You can read a book, cruise the interwebs (read Common Vents!!!), play a game, watch a movie, herd sheep, and listen to music, email, look at photos......get the point?

That's it, Reader. Now go away.

Is Your Name Dan Bardin? Check Yes or No. If Yes, Kill Self.

A Vision of John Mayer and the Worst Commercial Ever

Strap yourself in; I'm about to tell you about a dream I had a couple nights ago! On a boredom level of one-to-coma, studies have shown only reading an article about the launch of a tactical nuke in Modern Warfare 2 or about the best fastball hitters MLB has to offer are more brutal than hearing about someone else's dream. Since I've already covered the nuke and the fastballs, let's complete the trifecta. Tell you what. To make it more interesting, I'll compose the events of the dream in script format.

INT. RECORD STORE - SAN DIEGO, CA - TIME OF DAY UNKNOWN

A thriving record store in San Diego (think High Fidelity with palm trees). A popular trendy band plays overhead. I dunno...let's say Animal Collective. Strong scent of ganj. This crowd enjoys puffing the purp.

John Mayer browses the store's musical selection with everyone else. Luke seems to be the only patron aware who this man is. It's John Mayer, people! I mean, his newest album kind of blows, but still, he's a celebrity! And he's kind of fixed his ugly guitar solo face over the last few years. Sort of.

Luke decides he must somehow impress John Mayer and earn his friendship.