Thursday, February 4, 2010

When Baron Boronski's Business Takes Off, I'm In on the Ground Floor, Baby!

The morning tradition around these parts is to wake up, refuse coffee, drive into work on I90 while fighting off sleep with an abundance of Muse and/or Weezy, park the car at the office and sit at my desk to go over any emails I missed. Usually there are a couple pieces of junk in there. Most of them are pretty underwhelming. Until now.

I just got a personal letter from one Baron Boronski (possibly pictured at right), who happens to be letting me in on the ground floor of a very special project. Below is what the Baron sent to me. Prepare to be jealous.

From: Baron Boronkski (
Subject: A proposal which will benefit both of us
Importance level: !!


I am Baron Boronski .I have a legitimate business proposal for
you.Email me at for more details.

My Regards,
Baron Boronski."

Needless to say, I sent the Baron five emails in 20-minute increments to let him know I was interested in his business proposal. For those of you who are worried that 1) His use of punctuation is rather odd, 2) His email address is not an AOL one, but a very spammy looking one, and 3) He doesn't actually say what his business proposal is, well, you simpletons just don't know how these things work.

The guy's name is Baron Boronski, folks. BARON. BORONSKI. Can a name GET any more badass? With a name like that, it doesn't matter what business he's got in mind. The product sells itself! I'm ready to invest in anything, whether it's a shitty frozen pizza company or a puzzlingly obsolete fighter pilot academy whose students are trained to shoot down WWI flying aces and/or sassy beagles.

The baron obviously needs my help, or he wouldn't have flagged the email with a double-exclamation mark importance level. Sometimes those of us with servants' hearts are rewarded. Oftentimes it's intangible rewards, but rarely the reward can come in the form of monetary compensation.

Once I'm independently wealthy I'll reward the rest of you who have servants' hearts by making you my maids and butlers. THANK YOU, BARON BORONSKI!

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  1. Whatevs. I'm marrying Prince Alyusi Islassis and he's totes wiring me money to my Caribbean account. We're in love.

    Dee Brown FTW!!!!

  2. GTL OMFG. I still wanna live on Pandora. Fuck Planet Earth make me a goddamn Avatar and call it a day!

  3. I think your enthusiastic response might've scared the crook - I mean, the very wealthy, handsome entrepreneur off. But thats just a guess.

  4. The Baron bears a striking resemblance to Tom Selleck. I think you are being called on to resurrect his career. (Again.)

  5. But the very dashing Baron wrote to me as well!!! Here is his letter. I guess he didn't know my name, so he left it blank. What a trusting gentleman he is!


    Although this approach appears to be very difficult but I think it’s the best and safe means in presenting my proposal which could benefit both of us and the fact you are a foreigner it will help a lot in the legal process and if not interested at this point then both identity can be left unknown.

    I am Baron Boronski a British citizen by birth but have leaved all my life in Russia since I was 10 years old I am 55 years now. I was a financial investment legal attorney to brokerage firm here in the United Kingdom, which went liquidated this year due to the recession/world crises I went on to open my private practice as a financial lawyer before our brokerage firm was liquidated we made series of investment for different companies in the United Kingdom.

    In 2004 we made a large investment for an Icelandic investment company, which I would not disclose the name of this company at this stage, on your acceptance to be a partner with me on this I will furnish you with all the information about this company. We made an investment worth Ј7,500,000 (Seven Million Five hundred thousand Pounds) on a 5years fixed bond rate, which has matured to Ј8,000,000 (Eight Million Pounds only).

    I was contacted at the first of this month by the financial Institution were the funds are currently located that the total sum of Ј8,000,000 (Eight Million Pounds only) is ready on maturity and if the funds are not claimed it will be confiscated and it will go into the British Government recovery recession plan.

    Since February 2009 Icelandic investment company has gone into administration (Bankruptcy) there is no way they can claim this funds and as I was the financial investment lawyer to our brokerage firm all information’s were sent to me only. This is an opportunity, which I think both of us can benefit from. The brokerage firm which i worked for and the Icelandic investment company has gone into administration (Bankruptcy) by United Kingdom Laws it will take 10years for the Icelandic investment company to get their company name out of the bankruptcy blacklist and able to trade in the united kingdom but I honesty can see them coming back because all the board of director has been probed for extortion of the company.

    Your Role:

    I stated in my previous sentence above ‘This is an opportunity, which I think we both of us can benefit from’ you as a foreigner and I as the legal lawyer to all of these funds I can make a filing in the high of Probate stating the above amount should be paid to you as sub-contractor to the Icelandic investment company which you offered a service but was unpaid I will support that and back it up since it shows the Icelandic investment company made lots of foreign business internationally my responsibility is to make this transaction 100% legally and safe for both parties involved which includes you and I. Think about this and let me know if you are interested and I will furnish you more on the process and proceedings to go about this venture. I await your response thank you.

    Yours truly,
    Baron Baronski