Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Brahs of the Month: STD and T-Star

In the inaugural edition of Brah of the Month, we're starting off with a double dip. I went to high school with T-Star and STD. I graduated a year before them and we were relatively tight at Crystal Lake South, home of the Gators, but until last week I hadn't seen either of them in years. And last week they completely bailed me out, as you'll soon read. Before we bring back Preston and Shane to emcee, let's get some background info on the nicknames of my February 5th heroes.

This one is straightforward. Her first name starts with a T and she always wanted to be a star. Done and done.

This is slightly more complicated. In 8th grade, little STD was playing a board game with her 8th grade friends. She and another girl had S.D. as their initials, so to differentiate between the two, the first girl was referred to as Sa.D. (the a being the 2nd letter of her first name) and St.D. for her. The girls burst out laughing, and a nickname that lasted longer than a presidential term was born.

I can relate to this. When I was in 7th grade, one William Grant Benson lay the first ever nose joke upon me. The other people in the room exploded in laughter, and at that point it was all over. It's a strange feeling to know that an event just occurred that changed everything, and you were powerless to stop it.

It's so heartbreaking, especially considering the amount of work put in throughout middle school to avoid embarrassment. More effort is put forth on this front than on actually doing schoolwork. Pants are belted extra tightly. The latest clothing brands are purchased and worn every day. Erections are concealed with tactical strategies the United States' military would be proud of.

But that's not enough. Even after doing all that work, Fate rushes in with a flying kick to the balls (or a flying punch to the boob). When a new nickname is bestowed upon you without your consent, there's nothing you can do. You can't get pissed. You can't laugh it off. You can't ignore it. All you can do is recognize these turning-point events in life and think to yourself, "Well, I'm boned."

Eventually, you can laugh at these nicknames and even embrace them, as STD and Nosehead have by now. But that doesn't change the fact that middle school is a big, fat shit pile.

Preston and Shane: Howzit, brah?

Luke: Oh, hey guys. I didn't even get to introduce you.

: Well, we thought we'd jump in without your permission. I mean, you were being such a candy-ass BITCH. Am I right?

Shane: Oh, TOTALLY, brah! "Boo hoo, middle school was so hard! I was so awkward and I couldn't control my boners!" Let me tell you something, brah: I OWNED middle school. I rocked pre-algebra, ran track and played basketball, I had a natural 6-pack and I must have been pretty good at baseball too because I totally rounded 3rd base with Kelly Piatkowski. UP TOP!

Preston and Shane high five. Luke watches them, and he must admit, their form is commendable.

Preston: Anyway, who are T-Star and STD?

Luke: The Brahs of the Month. They bailed me out a couple Fridays ago.

Preston: Bailed you out? Dude, did you get in a fight? OMG YOU TOTALLY GOT IN A FIGHT! The brahs are rubbing off on you!

Luke: Please try not to say that sentence ever again.

Shane: Is it true? Did you finally ditch the Tampax and throw a punch?

Luke: Your language is offensive. And no, I didn't. I actually organized a get together at a bar in Chicago, and T-Star and STD were the only two who showed up.

Preston and Shane exchange looks of disbelief before laughing so hard they fall to the floor, convulsing. Also, their hands appear to be rubbing each other's crotches, which is kind of awkward. Brahs will be brahs.

Shane: Are you serious? Two people?

Luke: Two people.

Preston: Wait. Two?

Luke: Two. Let's meet them.


Shane: Wait, who's this now?

Luke: That's T-Star. She's in accounting.

Preston: HA! Nice. Up top!

Luke: I'm actually not kidding. She's in accounting.

Shane: WHAT?? Are you serious, brah? When I look at this chick, I do NOT think accounting. But she definitely works with money, if you catch my drift.

Luke: Lovely.

Preston: The Prestonator is looking for love, brah! What's T-Star's story? Is she single?

Luke: No. Her boyfriend is a great dancer and wears outlandish clothing.

Shane: So he's gay. Or he's hung like a mule.

Preston: Hopefully both! HAHAHAHA!!

Dead silence. Preston was a little too hopeful when he said that. Wow, this is awkward.

Preston: Dude, what's with that other chick in the picture? Think she's had enough to drink?

Shane: That's my kind of girl, right there!

Luke: What do you mean? Blacked out and vulnerable?

Shane: Indubitably.

Luke: Moving on.


Preston and Shane: GIRL NEXT DOOR!

The two brahs look at each other excitedly and shout "Jinx five!" They find a vending machine and high five each other continuously until they've bought a coke for each other. It's very impressive. This is obviously not the first time they've had a jinx five.

Luke: Let me get this straight. Because one girl has blond hair you decide she's a lady of the night, and the dark haired one is the girl next door?

Preston: Yes. That's fair. Anyway, who's this one?

Luke: This is STD. She works in marketing. Or advertising. Or both. I don't know, I had a lot to drink at this point.

Preston: Me likey. What's her story? She's single, right? This one's gotta be single.

Luke: Sorry, slugger. She has a boyfriend as well. He sounds like a cool dude, too. He's a writer and a history buff, and he also plays bass in a band.

Shane: Oh no, watch out, Preston! You can't compete with this bass player! I mean, come on, brah. Bass? GTFO with that.

Luke: Actually, the bass player is a crucial part of a band. He brings rhythm and stability to the ensemble and is a great musical foundation. Your stance is a common one among people with horrible musical taste.

Shane: Watch it, brah! I have great musical taste.

Luke: Yeah? Name your three favorite bands.

Shane: Breaking Benjamin, Nickelback and Three Days Grace.

Luke: Lawyered.


  1. Not only were we the only people to show up, we talked to you about all things men like to talk about. Sports, women, and greg oden's HUGE you know what.

  2. I really need to stop enjoying conversations about athlete penis.

  3. This is hysterical....I love how my nickname and picture both portray me as porn-star....nice choice Nosehead..

  4. I would like to suggest the Akimbo FMJ 1887s as a go-to secondary weapon. That is all.

  5. Good luck trying to stop enjoying conversations about athlete penis. My personal favorite (no homo) is Santonio Holmes. His pose is unbelievably funny.