Thursday, January 7, 2010

Twitter Tip of the Day: How To Get Yourself Blocked

For you Twitter noobs out there, there are some basic things you need to learn. Such as:
  • You're 60% less cool than you think you are because 60% of your followers are porn accounts.
  • One who describes himself as a "self preceived genious" (proof) is likely neither perceptive nor a genius.
  • 9 people who list their location as Chicago see themselves as "marketing gurus." (proof) This means they know how to take advantage of a mass-follow website such as Buzzum or LocaFollow.
  • Way too many people describe themselves as a social media enthusiasts in their Twitter profiles. This level of redundancy is roughly equivalent to a guy with a gun pointed at you saying "I have a gun in my hand."
  • Watch out for those who are conceited about their abilities and constantly give off a nasty stench of superiority. These people absolutely and indubitably blow goats.
This final point is one of the things that infuriates me most about Twitter. I didn't fully realize it until today, but my #1 qualm with the site is how exceedingly polite it is. For those of you who are new to this Common Vents, I blog as a way to vent my frustrations. It's very therapeutic for me. If you aren't a fan of my incessant whining, you can take yourself over to I Love Kittens. (proof)

Leave it to Twitter to turn something as volatile and unpoliced as the Internet into a hand-holding, Kumbaya-crooning guitar circle. But I've got news for you: the syrupy politeness isn't helping anything. We think it is; we think we're making the world a better place one Tweet at a time, but it's just smoke and mirrors. We're simply creating an environment for smug superiority.

To the left is an example. This person, who we'll call BobHyundai for anonymity's sake, describes himself as "The genius behind" his blog. Bob describes himself as a genius. And he's not kidding. Strike 1.

The link he passed along was written yesterday, and he's already shared it multiple times. Tremendous amounts of overkill. Strike 2.

It sounds as if Bob's promoting one of his friend's blog posts, which is admirable. But if you looked deeper, you'd find that Bob actually guest posted on his friend's blog, and that link is to something that he wrote on her blog. He's misleading his followers into reading something by him while making it look like he's simply being a loyal friend. What a great guy. When I first read this tweet, my computer monitor got so fogged up with smug that I had to stop and wipe it down. Strike 3.

Hey doucherocket, 1) You're not a genius. You have a blog. The end. Get over yourself. 2) I read the post yesterday. Stop pimping the same thing over and over. You talked about your finacé for 1,500 words. Riveting stuff. 3) You're damn right I'm missing the discussion. I did that voluntarily. After seeing 20 comments alternating between "my significant other doesn't have an active online social life and we're very happy" and "we both have active online social lives and we're very happy," there was no more to be said. You geniuses covered all of it! Implying that I'm "missing out" on a life-altering discussion is completely passive-aggressive and a downright lie. That passive-aggressiveness should be a fun quirk for your fiancé to deal with. I hope someone gifts her a pair of earmuffs at the wedding.

So, BobHyundai, you're the first legitimate blogger that I've blocked on Twitter. Congratulations. You've joined the ranks of porn accounts and marketing spammers. And for those of you who think I've been too hard on poor Bob, I just have one thing to say:

1 comment:

  1. As a Twitter noob, first off - thanks for your helpful hints. I have yet to block anyone/anything, be they marketing gurus or porn sites.

    More thoughts:

    1. The self-perceived (?) genious (sic) needs spell check. And, if you can't perceive yourself, whom can you perceive? Maybe he means self-described.

    2. Twitter probably originated as a great way to meet up with friends at the local pub. It's gotten way, way, way too out of hand. Enough! I don't care!

    3. Does shouting I don't care turn into "methinks thou dost protest a bit too much"?
    If so - sue me.

    And, totally unrelated, but important none-the-less:

    4. I think the National Baseball of Fame needs four new wings:

    Wing #1 - for douche-bag (i.e. - the non-apologizers, or self-deniars) steroid users whose numbers legitimately place them in the hall (Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens)

    Wing #2 - for non-steroid users during the steroid era who might have had the numbers to make the Hall of Fame had they taken steroids (John Kruk?)

    Wing #3 - for people in Wing #2 who actually did take steroids but we can never prove it at this point. This wing will probably remain empty, but may God have mercy on their souls.

    Wing #4 - for the non-douche-bag steroid users (fully owning up to use, sincere apologizers) who have the numbers to get in. (Jason Giambi, Andy Pettitte)

    That's it.

    This last part of my comment is brought to you by Dad nSync & your's truly