Lionize or Demonize?

"Hey pretty baby with the high-heels on..."

Kind of a weird day yesterday, don't you think? I bet you first heard the news and you said to yourself, "No way, he died!?"

The next thought was, well, how am I allowed to feel about it?

"Is it cool if I feel bad for him? I can definitely feel bad for his kids, they lost their dad, but what about him? Am I allowed to say I was a fan?"


The news broke middle of the day, out of nowhere, suddenly there were banners splashed across news and entertainment websites with "Michael Jackson dead at 50" and every news channel running a helicopter and on-the-ground anchors outside the LA hospital he passed away in. Hell, ESPN did a segment on SportsCenter. SPORTSCENTER.

You expect icons to pass like a storm. A massive, swelling sense of impending entertainment darkness on the horizon, your body senses something big is about to happen. But that wasn't what yesterday felt like. It just sort of happened, he was just gone, his heart gave up.

Michael Jackson was the icon of icons. He was bigger than Elvis, the Beatles or Sinatra at their respective prime. (Go ahead and try to prove me wrong here, I dare you.) He was one of the first African-American artists to be heavily featured on a fledgling MTV, criticized early on for their caucasian, rock orientation. His mere presence brought droves to tears around the globe, an appearance was news even if it wasn't a performance, and, most importantly, his music knew no bounds. It didn't matter what color you were, gender, sexual orientation, age, or musical preference - you respected and at some point danced (no matter how poorly) to the pure art the man created. For example, Thriller sold 50 million copies and had 7, yes 7, Top 10 singles on the Billboard Charts. That never happened before and it will never happen again.

But, all too soon, there was a shadow cast over his larger-than-life figure. He become the fodder for numerous stand-up comics, television shows, and movie skits. He was a man who seemed to be two people at once; the innocent, benevolent humanitarian and the alleged predator of the worst degree. I say alleged, because that is the case. But, that allegation was enough to send him into what became a free-fall of eccentricity. Or, possibly, it was enough for public opinion to stop overlooking his strangness. The vitiligo he suffered from, forced him to bleach his skin to keep up with his manic obsession over his appearance. Then there was the complete restructuring of his face, which in the end, drove him to wear a surgical mask in public.

Part of me felt happy he was finally free of the burden that became his life. Media was as vicious as possible, trying to find that grand-slam story that would finally prove the monster so many felt he was.

Many reports say his overly-essentric behavior was seeded by an abused childhood, primarily from his dominating father, Joe. He was never able to be a kid. From 9 years of age on, he was in the public light and forced to perform even though he was tormented by his acne and features. He was destined to break from an early age, it was just when and how. The 90's came and MJ's last #1 album was bumped to #2, quite symbolically by Nirvana's, "Nevermind." Interest in pop/R&B waned and alternative became the new mainstream.

The rest of the story you know all to well already. A fall from grace, and a comback planned for 2010. The chance for King Michael to regain his rightful throne. Whether you know it or not, you hear Michael Jackson's influence daily in music, on any station your FM radio picks up. His influence spanned genre into the realms of immortality. 100 years from now, MJ records will still be spinning in bars and clubs and people will instantly latch on to the beat and forget about life for a while, which is what the intention was all along.

So, the question comes back, do you lionize or demonize the man? Do you split the music from the man and the man from his music? Do you choose to believe the court of public opinion or do you believe he was a innocent, albeit a very strange man?

I know my mind the answer is clear, but divided. I know I love his music, and always will. I also know he was wrong to have children stay with him in his ranch called Neverland, regardless of any activities that may or may not have happened. As an adult, you just don't do that.

But, I do feel, for the moment it is okay to mourn the loss of such genius. His talent and genius will be remembered the way Mozart's is today. Yes, he was that gifted. The rest will work its way out the way history has the ability to do. We'll just have to keep listening and see what happens. At least there will be good music while we wait.

"It's a thriller night..."


13 Grammy Awards
13 Billboard #1 records
Over 750 million albums sold
Two Rock & Roll HOF inductions
Guinness World Record for "Most Successful Entertainer of All Time."

Most Iconic Pop Star Ever Is Remembered By Getting Name Spelled Wrong By Tweeters

Trending Topics at 4:45 pm Central Time:

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10 Awesome One Tree Hill Quotes (With Analysis!)

10. "And if you're lucky, I mean if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back..." ~Nathan Scott

Actually, Nathan, what you just described is fairly common and typically results in what we call a "happy marriage." I know that term is unfathomable to douchebags, but it's what can result from actually cultivating a relationship instead of running away at the first sign of trouble. It's a wild concept.


9. Haley: Stay the hell away from my husband.
Rachel: I was just giving him a proper thank you.
Haley: Please, your thank you's send people to the free clinic.
Peyton: Ha!!!
Brooke: What are you laughing at? Your "I love you's" send people to their grave.
Peyton: Well in that case, I love you, Brooke.

This one's tough to analyze, as I don't watch the show and there are four birds tweeting incessantly in this quote. I'm sure the director had soundproof headphones equipped while shooting this scene. What I'm getting from this is that "Haley" and "Peyton" are two main characters in the show, people the audience "relates to" and "sympathizes with." Also, they are very spunky and witty in a freshman year sort of way. Am I on target here? I feel like I am.

8. Lucas: You ever look a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other people's lives have we been in? Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died? Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life and not even know it.

If Lucas's ecstasy dealer happens to be reading this, my name is Luke and you can contact me via Twitter. The character of Lucas is played by Chad Michael Murray. I know him from Freaky Friday. And by Freaky Friday I of course mean A Cinderella Story. He's about to turn 29 and is somehow still landing high school roles. He's like a skinnier, more annoying Jonah Hill.


7. Ellie: Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is, there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life.

Hey Ellie, when you say every song ends, it sure sounds to me like you're talking about death, not life. You say we shouldn't fear life? Well, we don't. We fear death. Death is really, really effing scary. Thanks for beginning to address that before bolting in the opposite direction.


6. Most of our lives are a series of images, they pass us by like towns on a highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens and we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.

Sing it with me! Highhhh schooool is such a serious thing! These problems matter!

5. Peyton: (voiceover) At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes - all you need is one.

It's not easy to get me to roll my eyes after just one sentence. But Peyton got it done. She's legit. What's more, I rolled my eyes a little bit extra after each sentence until that last line made them rocket upward and cause a brain bleed. "And sometimes - all you need is one." Who writes this? Who WATCHES this? America is screwed.


4. Brooke: LUCAS! Do not make me join you!
Lucas: Uh, a little privacy here.
Brooke: No, you've been in the shower forever! By the time I even get in the water it's gonna be...(Checks water) cold! Are you taking a cold shower?!
Lucas: No, the hot water-
Brooke: Gross! You are! You know what? Next wet dream, tell Peyton I said 'Hi'. Ew!

You think that's bad, Brooke? You know what happens in real life, when you go to an actual high school and are not a proud student at Tree Hill, home of the Ravens? In real life, Lucas is jackhammering his meatstick in the shower, because in real life, wet dreams don't exist and you've got to get the job done yourself. And by the way, are Lucas and Brooke brother and sister? Giant WTF to this scene if they are. The dialogue is bordering on incestual. I'm sure that's what the writers were going for.

3. Haley: Oh, the magazine pages are sticking again you little pervert. Oh hey Luke. You've been reading this?
Lucas: I don't know, Haley. Is that the one that you say 'why do they publish those?' because you're not on the cover, hah?
Haley: No, actually it's the 'my best friend is an idiot' issue and there you are!

Whoever wrote this episode really nailed how kids talk to each other.

2. Nathan: You've got some ugly toes, girl.
Peyton: No, I don't.
Nathan: Yeh, you do. They're practically like fingers.
Peyton: Well, then just focus on the middle one.

Classic Peyton!


1. Lucas: (voiceover)Some people believe that ravens guide travelers to their destinations. Others believe that the sight of a solitary raven is considered good luck. While more than one raven together, predicts trouble ahead (He looks out the window and sees many ravens are flying above the car)

Wow, there is just so much going on here. First of all, good ol' Lucas spotted an unkindness of ravens after his voiceover. That's what we call foreshadowing, kids! Poop is hitting the fan tonight! Also, (and I'm guessing this is far from the only time the writers did this)they wrote ravens into the plot line. Because, you know, you always see your school mascot in the world. For example, at my high school, we were called the Gators. And if you know anything about Chicago suburbs, it's that alligators are everywhere.

Finally, I'm getting a feeling that Lucas is a deep dude. A bunch of other OTH quotes had him citing famous authors in a voiceover. So he's brainy and he enjoys reading. Is that accurate? Well, I enjoy reading too. I don't talk like this. Does anyone talk like this? If you constantly have inner monologues that focus primarily on seeing groups of animals/people and wondering what exactly that means in relation to you, you're a selfish, egotistical douche, and I'm sorry for you. I really am. To illustrate, leave me a comment below and I'll buy all 7 seasons of One Tree Hill and send them to you. And by all 7 seasons I of course mean I'll put 7 of my best poops into a box and mail them to you. You're getting the same thing either way.

Making the Most of Facebook's "Like" Wall Feature

One of my favorite things about the new Facebook walls are the ability to "like" a status update, wall post, shared link, etc. You may be thinking, "Awww, that's sweet. Luke lets his friends know if something they've said had an impact on him." Well, you're right, that would definitely be sweet. Unfortunately, I like the "like" for completely selfish reasons.

Not long ago, I discovered that I can "like" my own comments. This is probably the closest we'll get to becoming friends with ourselves(Facebook still won't let us do that). When used correctly, liking your own comments can be frighteningly satisfying. Here's a quick guide.

Rule #1: Don't you dare like your own comments if they're sincere compliments.
Rule #2: Don't you dare like your own status updates. This will make us think that you're an egotistical, attention-crazy nutjob. And you're totally not.
Rule #3: If you have an inflammatory thing to say to one of your friends, then by all means, "like" until the cows come home.

You're probably going to get pretty good at liking your own comments, so good that you'll become bored. The thrill will be gone. This is when we kick it up a notch. After liking a wall post of yours, start your very own comment thread. It's kind of scary how much fun this can be.

Kobe Tweets "Thanks for legacy boost!" to Dwight Howard, Derek Fisher

The Sports Guy has stated multiple times that if the LA Lakers win the 2008-09 NBA championship, it will secure Kobe Bryant's place as the 3rd greatest guard in league history. It would be Bryant's 4th ring and first without Shaq, which in many experts' minds would vault #24 past Jerry West and Oscar Robertson, leaving only Magic and Michael ahead of him.

Up 2 games to 1 in the series and in Orlando for Game 4, the stage was set for Kobe to play like one of the greatest guards in NBA history. It was time to go for the jugular, as all the great ones do when they absolutely need to. And if we look at the Game 4 box score, Kobe performed well. 32 points, 8 assists, 7 rebounds.

But if we look deeper, Kobe Bryant's stats were not overly impressive in Game 4. Even more importantly, there are two players(one on each team) that are more responsible for the game's outcome than the 3rd greatest guard of all time. Here's my proof.

In a superb piece on Shane Battier by Michael Lewis, some secrets to guarding Kobe Bryant are revealed. Battier is the Houston Rockets forward who arguably defends Bryant better than anyone else currently in the NBA. The Rockets and Battier are quick to acknowledge that Kobe is going to get his points every night. He's too talented and can score in too many ways.

The secret is this: if a team can keep Kobe's point total as close to his total field goal attempts as possible, that team has a fantastic chance to beat the Lakers. Such a shooting performance from Bryant is so inefficient that his team would be better off if he simply sat on the bench for the entire night.

Kobe in Game 4: 11-31 FG, 35.5%, 32 points
31 field goal attempts, 32 points. A very inefficient game. If those numbers are any indication, the Orlando Magic had a great chance to win Game 4. And indeed they did. In fact, they should have. The series should be knotted at 2 with Game 5 in Orlando. The Magic very well could be in position to win their first NBA title. But there are two glaring reasons why they lost and went down 3-1 in the series. Neither of the reasons are Kobe Bryant.

Reason #1: Dwight Howard With 11.1 seconds left in the game and Orlando up 3, Howard went to the line to ice it. The problem is, Howard's chances of making a free throw are slightly better than a coin flip. For you NBA laymen, this is not a good thing. Add the pressure of the situation to his poor FT percentage and it's easy to see why Howard bricked both free throws, keeping Game 4 within reach for the Lakers.

It may sound like I'm blaming Howard. I'm not. I will forever contend it's a miracle that chiseled 7-footers (such as Howard and Shaq) can make a free throw at all. If you have no sympathy for these Supermen and their free throw kryptonite, grab a tennis ball and see how many free throws you can drain. Some guys just aren't supposed to make consistent baskets from 15 feet away.

But the fact remains, reason #2 why the Lakers won Game 4 was given his chance because reason #1 couldn't make 1 out of 2 free throws. Okay, fine, maybe I'm blaming Howard. But only a little bit.

Reason #2: Derek Fisher This little fella has the 3rd most made 3-pointers in NBA Finals history, behind only Jordan and Robert Horry, who have a combined 13 rings. In other words, guys who drain 3s in the Finals snag rings. After Howard's aforementioned free throw struggles, Fisher took the ball and effing drained a cold-blooded triple in Jameer Nelson's grill. Or, what should have been his grill if he were actually defending against a 3.

The shot forced overtime, and Fisher splashed one more three from the top of the key to put the game away. You're welcome, 3rd best guard of all time.

2009 = 1991? Time to talk about Michael for a spell. There are a couple of notable similarities between Kobe's 2009 NBA Finals and MJ's 1991 Finals. Both men needed to prove they could win a title(Jordan in general and Kobe without Shaq). Both men's teams were up 2 games to 1 with an all-important game 4 on the road. Very, very similar situations. Very, very different numbers.

As I mentioned, Kobe was 11-31(35%) for 32 points, had 8 assists, 7 rebounds, and 3 turnovers in Game 4 against the Magic. Jordan was 11-20(55%) for 28 points, had 13 assists, 5 rebounds, and 1 turnover in Game 4 against the Lakers in 1991.

So what's my point?
The Lakers will win the 2009 NBA title. Kobe will get his 4th ring and entrench himself as the 3rd greatest guard of all time. Combine this with idiot fans and short attention spans, and we'll start hearing the questions: Is Kobe the greatest Laker of all time? Is Kobe the best guard in NBA history? Both answers are still no, folks.

The Bulls won Game 4 in 1991, and eventually the title, because of Michael Jordan. The Lakers won Game 4 of the Finals in 2009 because of Dwight Howard and Derek Fisher. Nobody will remember these details years from now. We'll only remember Kobe got a ring without Shaq. But before you enter into the dangerous "greatest ever" conversation, remember that the third greatest guard in NBA history spent the most crucial game of the entire season missing two-thirds of his shots, and was bailed out by an unfortunate big man and a late-game assassin.

A Guide To Words You Don't Use Correctly

Is this you? Do you sometimes get confused when someone mentions the words "elephant" and "moon" in the same sentence? Do you purposely avoid writing on your friends' Facebook walls for fear you'll use the wrong form of there/they're/their? Fear not, gentle idiot, I and my ultra-impressive English degree are here to help. Here are 4 words/phrases explained, which will help you write with the confidence of someone who wasn't dropped on his head as an infant.

4: Elephants and Moons We should get this out of the way just in case there's still some confusion. According to Wikipedia, elephants are land mammals equipped with tusks and a trunk. They are very large, very gray, and they freak out upon seeing mice(as cartoons have led me to believe). The Moon is Earth's only natural satellite. I can see where you might get confused, as the Moon is also very large and very gray.

How To Not Be An Idiot: The Moon does not get scared upon seeing a mouse. That's how you know the Moon is bigger than an elephant. Bigger things are braver things.

2: Its/It's This will be a shock to most of you, but it's very possible for the word "it's" to lose its apostrophe. "It's" is a contraction, short for "it is." The word "its" is possessive, and is used to describe ownership. It does not need an apostrophe.

Example sentence: It's very possible for the word "it's" to lose its apostrophe.

How to not be an idiot: Read your sentence in the unshortened form. If you love to use apostrophes, take it out and see how it sounds. Like this: It is very possible for the word "it's" to lose it is apostrophe. See how stupid you sound? You're welcome.

3: Definitely Not defanatly. Not definitly. Definitely. You're an idiot.

How To Not Be An Idiot: Here's a link to the definition of the word 'finite.'(FIGH-night) It's a real word. So to spell definitely, it's de-finite-ly. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

4. I could care less Oh, could you? Okay, go ahead and care less and then get back to me.

How To Not Be An Idiot: If you're going to be sarcastic, don't half-ass it. "I couldn't care less." There is no possible way to care any less than this. That's the point you're trying to make, dum-dum.

Check back soon for Part II of Words You Don't Use Correctly. We'll be covering the infamous combos of there/they're/their and your/you're.

And yes, I'm aware the first image in the post depicts an event that never actually happened. The lady in the picture actually won like $50,000 or something. But she looks like a big idiot, right? Not the case. She's merely British.

How to Trump The Notebook in 15 Minutes

Apparently all it takes is some balloons. I'm a huge Pixar fan and have loved everything they've released, but I've been thinking for a while now that they're due for a dud after all of their success. Once again, after seeing previews that didn't give away very much, I thought there wasn't a whole lot to Up's story.

Then I monitored the all-important T-Meter on Rotten Tomatoes. It started at 100%, stayed there for a while, and plummeted all the way down to 98%. For you RT newbies out there, that's a nearly unheard of final score. I dropped 30 bones for two 3-D tickets for myself and the Jess, complained about the unbelievable cost of two tickets to a movie, and then promptly forgot what I was whining about once the movie began.

You can always tell a film is hitting emotionally by the sheer silence of the audience. Before Up started, people were talking loudly, laughing obnoxiously(a guy with a crazy hyena laugh absolutely loved the talking hamster preview), and generally being a typical crowded theater audience. But then the film started up, and everybody fell silent. Even hyena guy. There wasn't so much as a cough from a single soul. And an animated movie was responsible.

*SPOILER ALERT*

Up's hero is Carl, a cranky old man who recently had to watch his wife pass away. We don't see it happen; we infer it from a fantastic montage set to some beautiful music. It was at this point that it got a little dusty in the theater. This was only 15 minutes into the movie. I was able to fight off the tears, but I was absolutely affected by what I saw and officially on Carl's side for the rest of the film. This is how you tell a story, people.

Then we have The Notebook. The hilarious conclusion to this movie has the two elderly leads laying in the same hospital bed and dying together. It's pure manipulation. When I saw it I pictured the film's director hovering above me, screaming "CRY! CRY!"

When you're asked why Up is such a great film, be sure to cite this post. And when your idiot friends ask you why exactly Up trumps The Notebook, sum it up with a simile: The difference between Up and The Notebook is like the difference between smelling a beautiful red rose and having a beautiful red rose jammed up your nostrils.

My Fantasy Baseball Team Is Better Than Your Fantasy Baseball Team, Part II

If you want to read Part I, either scroll down a bit or click here. 

As promised, today I'll be going over my pitching squadron for The Peter Moylans, quite possibly the greatest fantasy baseball team ever assembled in a 10-team Rotisserie league. And as I said yesterday, my pitchers have reigned in 66 of a possible 70 points, compared to my offensive lineup, which has pulled in 70 of a possible 70. In a nutshell, my pitchers should be ashamed of themselves and use their guilt as motivation to perform a little bit better.

In all seriousness, if one were to examine my team before the season started, he would say that my lineup is built incredibly well and my pitching is lacking. It's true. My arms have been unconscious so far, and it could very well be a fluke. Between the pitchers and the hitters, I would have to guess that my pitchers are the ones who will experience a letdown as the season progresses. There are a lot of unproven guys doing the hurling for me.

But still, of the seven pitching categories, they're 3rd in Saves(8 points), 2nd in Losses and Strikeouts(9 points each), and 1st in Wins, ERA, WHIP, and Quality Starts(10 points each). Not too shabby. It won't last, but still, not too shabby.

Here's the rundown of my mound-dwelling fireballers. And by the way, I've projected the stats based on the numbers so far. Some of them are downright ridiculous, and there's no way they'll reach their projected season. It's just a way to illustrate how well they've played thus far.

Starting Pitcher: Zack Greinke I recently experienced the indescribable joy of watching this 25-year-old emerging superstar mow down the White Sox like they were Little Leaguers. The Sox might as well have stepped up to the plate with meter sticks. Greinke's stuff is that good. Fastball consistently in the low 90s, and can reach well into the mid 90s when he's feeling motivated. Pinpoint get-me-over curveball and a devastating slider, his best and most effective strikeout pitch. On pace for 33-0 record, 0.40 ERA, 302 strikeouts, 0.84 WHIP, 28 quality starts. Greinke's Rank: 1

Starting Pitcher: Chad Billingsley Will likely experience a slight decline with the news that Manny Ramirez tested positive for a banned substance and will miss 50 games. Going from Manny to Juan Pierre could stall the Dodgers' offense a tad. Still, Billingsley is another emerging superstar(about to turn 25 years old) with killer stuff. On pace for 27-0 record, 2.21 ERA, 227 strikeouts, 1.03 WHIP, 32 quality starts. Billingsley's Rank: 18

Starting Pitcher: Johnny Cueto Just 23 years old. He faded considerably as the season progressed last year. Another solid start in 2009. He's a year older, a year stronger, and a year more mature, so we'll see if Cueto finishes differently this time around. On pace for 12-6 record, 1.65 ERA, 168 strikeouts, 1.04 WHIP, 17 quality starts. Cueto's Rank: 55

Starting Pitcher: Matt Garza Convincingly outperforming the other Tampa Bay SP on my roster, whom we'll get to later. Another 25-year-old with plenty of life in his arm. On pace for 16-11 record, 3.51 ERA, 194 strikeouts, 1.00 WHIP, 21 quality starts. Garza's Rank: 83

Starting Pitcher: Jair Jurrjens Doesn't strike out anybody, but definitely worth having on the squad for his ERA and WHIP numbers. On pace for 17-11 record, 2.01 ERA, 116 strikeouts, 1.19 WHIP, 23 quality starts. Jurrjens's Rank: 104

Starting Pitcher: Kyle Lohse This is the one guy that I've felt severely overachieved in his first month. Just a few hours ago I was able to deal him for Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina. Buy low, sell high. My buddy who just took Lohse off my hands is too cool to read my blog, so he'll never know that I just suckered him. He'll simply wonder "Why isn't Lohse winning games for me? Damn this luck of mine!" The thought makes me happier than Dan Bardin with a box of Entenmann's. Regardless, here are Lohse's projected numbers. On pace for 17-6 record, 3.22 ERA, 128 strikeouts, 1.16 WHIP, 17 quality starts. Lohse's Rank: 156

Starting Pitcher: Scott Kazmir Bottoming out my starting pitchers is a guy that'd better remember how to throw pretty quickly or I will be pooping myself with rage. I'm assuming he'll right himself eventually, but I'm running out of patience. The irony here is that before the season began I'd have said Kazmir would be my consistent, veteran presencehas been far and away the most inconsistent starter on my team. Figure it out, Kaz. Or I'll be mailing you my aforementioned poo poo platter. On pace for 16-16 record, 6.00 ERA, 151 strikeouts, 1.58 WHIP, 16 quality starts. Kazmir's rank: 869

Relief Pitcher: Scott Downs 11.7 Ks per 9 innings of work. Don't know this guy yet? You will. Toronto's winning ball games in bunches and there are saves to collect, and BJ Ryan wants nothing to do with the closer's role. Enter Scott Downs. He's technically the closer while Ryan recuperates, but I have a feeling that Downs has a good shot to be the full time door-shutter even with Ryan healthy. On pace for 16 saves, 0.59 ERA, 105 strikeouts, 0.52 WHIP. Downs's Rank: 38

Relief Pitcher: Joakim Soria Just plain filthy. On pace for 39 saves, 2.08 ERA, 56 strikeouts, 1.38 WHIP. Soria's Rank: 92

Relief Pitcher: Brandon Morrow Haven't seen his stuff, not sure if he's a legitimate closer or if the Mariners simply have no one else. Currently on the disabled list. On pace for 28 saves, 4.05 ERA, 47 strikeouts, 1.35 WHIP. Morrow's Rank: 488

Relief Pitcher: Matt Lindstrom Scares me more than anyone else on my entire team. Let's hope he has a blistering month of May so I can trade him for someone more reliable. On pace for 28 saves, 6.55 ERA, 34 strikeouts, 1.73 WHIP. Lindstrom's Rank: 574

There we have it. The greatest fantasy baseball team ever assembled in a 10-team Rotisserie league. I know this post bored you. I care not. Until next time, and as always, my fantasy baseball team is better than your fantasy baseball team.

I Dare You Not To Laugh

I always feel dirty when I have a blog post that's simply about a video, because I feel like I'm cheating the whole creative process and blah blah blah boo hoo. That's all out the window now. Watch this.

I don't know what to say. I'm in tears from laughter. If that goat really makes those sounds, I want to steal him and keep him as my pet. And why in the world is he yelling so much? He's obviously pissed about something. Is he freaking out at the slight decline? Is he being pulled to the left when all he wants is to explore the delicious foliage to the right, so he's throwing a hissy fit? I must know.

I'm watching it again.

My Fantasy Baseball Team Is Better Than Your Fantasy Baseball Team, Part I

Studies show that nothing, aside from hearing about someone else's dream, is more boring than hearing about his fantasy team. This just in: I don't give a shit. I'm officially and actively trying to jinx my season because I'm so far ahead of the rest of the league that I feel like I'm doing something wrong. 

To start, let me explain the format. There are 10 teams, made up of me and nine of my buddies from high school. The scoring type is Rotisserie, meaning your stats accumulate over the entire season and never reset. Scoring is updated every day. If your team is leading a category(Home Runs, for example), you get 10 points added to your team's score. Last place in a category gets one point. There are 14 categories in all, 7 offensive and 7 pitching. Quick math tells us that the maximum score a team can have is 140 points(14 categories x 10 points per category led).

As of today, May 7th, 2009, my team has 136 points, 46.5 points ahead of 2nd place.

For you noobs out there, this is unprecedented. Unheard of. Shocking, absurd, and slightly horrifying. This just doesn't happen, and frankly, I'm a little scared by my greatness. Now you know why I'm trying to jinx my season.

The seven offensive categories are Runs, Home Runs, RBIs, Stolen Bases, Strikeouts, Batting Average, and On-Base plus Slugging. My team(The Peter Moylans) has 10 points in every...single...offensive category.

The Moylans are also leading the pitching categories of Wins, ERA, WHIP, and Quality Starts. They are third in the league in Saves, generating 8 points for the category. Finally, they're second in the league in Losses and Strikeouts, good for 9 points each.

Let's do the math. I'm leading 11 of 14 categories. 11 x 10 is 110 points. Two second place categories plus one third place category amounts to 26 more points. 110 + 26 is 136, four points shy of the maximum score possible. 

Again, I cannot begin to describe how absurd this is. Simply thinking about it makes me laugh. I tell my coworkers about it despite the fact that none of them are sports fans, let alone fantasy sports fans. I know I'm boring them and I don't care. This must be what it's like to have an athletic child. 

So what's my secret? Well, it's all pretty much luck of the draw and plain old dumb luck. The league held its annual draft on the last day of March, and I can't say I researched beforehand. I also can't say that I even remembered the draft. Our league commissioner, Brian, was sporting enough to send me a "Where the shit are you?" text as the draft was about to begin. I almost missed the whole thing.

But I drafted well despite my lack of knowledge, and my team, for the most part, has been healthy so far. And my lord, have they been performing. So here it is. I know you're all dying to know my roster. Here it is: the best fantasy baseball team of 2009. Today I'll be going over my offensive lineup. Tomorrow, pitchers.

Catcher: Brian McCann McCann has actually been on the Disabled List for some time with some kind of strange eye infection going on. Apparently eyesight in baseball is important. So the spot of Catcher has been empty ever since he went on the DL. My backup is Matt Wieters, a can't-miss rookie who will be called up by the Orioles at the beginning of June. Right now the phenom is still in the Minors. McCann's Rank: 750

1st Base: Albert Pujols Here's where luck of the draw comes in. Pujols, as you may know if you scroll down a couple of posts, is the apple of my eye. I was lucky enough to land in the perfect spot on the draft board: 2nd overall pick. Hanley Ramirez of the Marlins was taken 1st overall and he's been underperforming so far. Had I gotten 1st pick, I would have picked Ramirez. 3rd pick or later and Pujols is unavailable. But I had the 2nd pick and there he was. On pace for .364 AVG, 61 HRs, 173 RBIs, 156 runs, 22 SBs. Pujols's Rank: 2

2nd Base: Robinson Cano Performing beyond expectations considering the season he had last year. On pace for .333 AVG, 30 HRs, 102 RBIs, and 120 runs. Cano's Rank: 45

Shortstop: Michael Young Batting in the heart of the order for a high-octane Texas Rangers club. On pace for .333 AVG, 42 HRs, 96 RBIs, 126 runs, 12 SBs. Young's Rank: 28

3rd Base: Evan Longoria It's true. I have Pujols and Longoria on the same team. Lock it up. This guy is going have a very, very special career, and I'm lucky enough to have him on my squad in 2009. On pace for .358 AVG, 45 HRs, 195 RBIs(which would shatter the MLB record), and 117 runs. Longoria's Rank: 5

Outfielder: Carl Crawford Turned down scholarship offers to play QB at Nebraska and USC (among others) and point guard at UCLA. Opted to play baseball instead. Good choice. Recently tied a modern-day record with 6 stolen bases in one game. Check out his projected SB numbers. On pace for .302 avg, 0 HRs, 67 RBIs, 95 runs, 112 SBs. Crawford's Rank: 21

Outfielder: Shane Victorino Speedy, hits well, scores in bunches, doesn't strike out. Sign me up. On pace for .306 AVG, 26 HRs, 123 RBIs, 149 runs, 19 SBs. Victorino's Rank: 39

Utility: Aaron Hill Previously unknown Toronto Blue Jays middle infielder is outperforming nearly everyone else in the league. I doubt he'll stay at his current pace, but it's been quite a month for him.Oh, and also, I'd love to say I saw him as a sleeper during our draft, but that's not the case. He was a free agent for weeks until I swooped in on him. He's accumulated most of his stats thus far away from my team. On pace for .366 AVG, 38 HRs, 146 RBIs, 130 runs, 11 SBs. Hill's Rank: 7

Utility: Prince Fielder A notorious slow starter, Prince will be warming up alongside the weather. The fact that I absolutely hate him doesn't change the fact that he can flat-out rake when he's right. On pace for .258 AVG, 29 HRs, 127 RBIs, 69 runs, league-leading 179 strikeouts(hooray). Prince's Rank: 136

Bench: Denard Span D-Nard is my only bench player currently worth mentioning. I have been alternating him and Prince back and forth depending on whether I need Runs, Avg, SBs, and minimal Ks(Span's area) or HRs, RBIs, and OPS(Prince's specialty). But since I'm leading every single category, I've been struggling to decide who to bench. Ha! It's a great problem to have. On pace for .305 AVG, 6 HRs, 81 RBIs, 75 runs, 40 SBs. Span's Rank: 107

Let me reiterate once more that this squad is leading all seven offensive categories, and the rest of the league is actually trying. Absolutely unprecedented. Wow, this post was lengthier than I thought it would be. I must really love my team. If I bored you, again, I don't care. Watch for the pitching roster of the Best Fantasy Baseball Team Ever Built to hit your monitor sometime tomorrow. Until then, as always, my fantasy baseball team is better than your fantasy baseball team.