Friday, August 15, 2008

Congratulations! You're a Teammate of Michael Phelps!

And look how happy you are! I can't blame you, that's for sure. I know if I had the chance to ride on the same bus and dress in the same locker room as Michael Phelps, I'd react in much the same way that you did in this photo. Wait, that celebration was because you won a gold medal in the 200 meter backstroke? Who are you again? Ryan...what is it?

Lochte? Can you say that again? I'm not sure I'm pronouncing it correctly.

You know what? Forget it. I don't care that much. So you're telling me that this moment of joy you're experiencing is in no way because of the great Michael Phelps, but because you won a gold medal of your own?

Wow. You sure are selfish.

I mean, it's not like you've trained your whole life to come to Beijing and establish yourself as one of the world's best, right? There's no way you're that dense. This is 2008, son! The year of Phelps! All of us back in the states were under the impression that the other U.S. swimmers are content to race in the anonymity that the shadow of Michael Phelps provides. Why can't you be the same way, Lochte? Huh? Why can't you be a team player? You know who really gets it? NBC Sideline Reporter Andrea Kremer. She always knows the important, relevant questions to ask. Here's a sample:

Andrea Kremer: Ryan Lochte, you won a gold medal in the 200 meter backstroke mere hours after saving 7 Chinese children from a burning recreation center. Also, you pledged any future endorsement money to the Unwed Golden Retriever Mothers of America. So tell me, Ryan, what exactly was on Michael Phelps' iPod this morning?

Ryan Lochte: Excuse me?

Andrea: What was on his iPod, Ryan?

Ryan: I...I'm not sure. I'm sorry.

Andrea: Well, if you had to guess?

Ryan: I really don't know. Public Enemy, maybe. Or Guns 'N Roses.

Andrea: Excellent. There you have it, America!

And that's how it's done! Thank you, NBC, for constantly reminding us, the idiotic American public, that we are indeed witnesses to history. We were unsure. If it weren't for you, we'd probably forget that the Olympics were even on television. We'd all likely grunt in our chairs and bash our remotes against our foreheads if it weren't for your constant stream of information.

Also, thank you for devaluing the unbelivable accomplishments of the rest of the United States swimmers. Thank you for making them all talk about Michael Phelps before and after their respective races. Thank you for never, ever, EVER ceasing to remind us that Michael Phelps is an American treasure, a dynamite swimmer, and perhaps the greatest Olympian to ever live. Thank you for making the rest of the athletes, who have worked their entire lives for the chance to make the most of this cruelly short period of time, talk about Phelps instead of their personal journey. Thanks, NBC. You douchebags.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I'd comment, but Michael Phelps is on...

  3. C'mon, man - Michael Phelps is the reason us Americans tune in, right? NBC is even kind enough to give us count-downs in the lower right corner ("27 minutes until Michael Phelps!")

    NBC is putting up solid ratings #s, so they figure the best strategy is to keep doing exactly what they've been doing. Hyping Michael Phelps.

    I'm actually pleasantly surprised that MP hasn't lost it yet in an interview setting. Such innane questions!