Friday, August 1, 2008

A Very Special Sit-Down With Ryan Braun

I consider myself to be an avid sports fan. I like to think that I'm well-versed in the fields of baseball, basketball, football, and hockey. I know more than the average bear. With that intro, I can now say with full confidence that Ryan Braun is one of the most aggravating star athletes currently circulating the quaint little Chicagoland bubble that I've built for myself.

Needless to say, I thought it would be a virtual impossibility to convince Braun to sit down in an interview with me(especially after such an atrocious showing in the recent 4-game beatdown the Cubs just put on his Brewers. But lo and behold, here he is!

Luke: Hi Ryan, thanks for taking the time. I know it must be difficult to meet with me after such a tough 4 game set against the Cubs.

Braun: Well, to be honest, I wasn't all that affected by the losses. I've always felt that my personal performance trumps any team outcomes that come into play.

Luke: Fantastic perspective! Wow, what a refreshing take on team sports!

Braun: On the contrary. Baseball is a highly individual game. I'm constantly on an island, whether it's at the plate or in the out in the outfield.

Luke: Out in the outfield?

Braun: Yes. I know it sounds stupid, but I said it and I can't take it back. Let it go.

Luke: Little testy today, are we, Ryan? Ok, let's move on. So if you're an individually-minded player, can you explain your decision to TWICE try for bunt singles in one game against the Cubs? That seems to be a team-minded strategic maneuver.

Braun: Yes, I can easily explain that. You see, I'm an idiot.

Luke: I'm slightly confused. Can you please elaborate?

Braun: Certainly! You see, I tried to bunt for singles despite the fact that my team counts on me to be a run producer. My batting average is .301, and I have 29 bombs and 82 RBIs.

Luke: Very solid numbers. I must confess that you're on my fantasy team. It doesn't seem to me that you should be bunting. Like, ever.

Braun: Yes, precisely. But you see, after Prince hit a bomb and woke up the Brewers fans for the first time in the game, I thought to myself, "Ryan, you know what would really push this crowd to another level? A bunt single!"

Luke: And then you popped your bunt up to Geovany Soto.

Braun: Unfortunately, I don't often get the chance to practice my bunting.

Luke: Brilliant. Oh, and I just noticed your great forearm tattoo!

Braun: Oh, you did? I'm so glad! As you know, I like to embrace my individuality, and I just love the personalization that tattoos can give you. Right? You gonna leave me hanging here?

Luke: I actually don't really understand what you mean. I personally don't have any tattoos. But if I did, I likely wouldn't go in the direction you did. I mean, the color choice and the phrasing of your tattoo are downright perplexing.

Braun: Well, I'm pretty sure that the tattoo is short for "Dimebag," which is totally fine with me. I'm no Josh Howard, but I sure do love to light up the ganj. Plus, I sometimes enjoy listening to Pantera, so the tattoo has a nice little double meaning for me.

Luke: I'm pretty sure there's a third meaning to it as well.

Braun: What do you mean?

Luke: Never mind. Nice diving attempt on Fukudome's line drive. It's not like that decision completely screwed over Ben Sheets and changed the course of the entire series and likely the season. Fantastic job. And if you ever try to bunt for a single again, I swear to The Talented Mr. Roto that I will trade you straight up for Paul Konerko and feel good doing it. You suck. Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Ryan Braun!


  1. 7/29 Cubs/Brewers - Fukudome up in top 6, slaps a shot to left - Ryan Braun takes an atrocious angle, tries a half-assed dive, misses, then proceeds to get up and trot over to the ball as Speedudome is cruising into third. Who jogs to a passed ball in the outfield with no help coming from center. ARghh. I didn't play baseball and I know he sucks.

    Ryan Braun how the hell were you an All-Star?

  2. maybe next year cubs fans.

  3. the cubs blow. stadium, city, people, and team. Shit on the cubs and the rest of chicago