Thursday, August 21, 2008

I'm Moving To Europe

Don't you hate it when you have money somewhere that you just can't get your hands on? Maybe it's still in the hands of an expiring relative, or better yet, in the hands of an online poker server. The following conversation is 100% real, and it took place roughly 5 minutes ago. It stars me and my new buddy Nelson. And for those who don't know, I'm moving to Europe to fine poker playing peace.

General Info:
Chat start time Aug 21, 2008 4:57:45 PM EST
Chat end time Aug 21, 2008 5:25:48 PM EST
Duration (actual chatting time) 00:28:02
Operator Nelson Hendricks
Chat Transcriptinfo: Please wait for a site operator to respond. You are currently customer 1 in queue. Thank you for your patience.

Hello, my name is Nelson Hendricks. How may I help you today?

You: Hi Nelson

Nelson Hendricks: Please bear with me while I look up your account details.....

You: I've requested a cashout twice, and both times the money was sent back into my account. The first request was on Fathers Day, over 2 months ago.

Nelson Hendricks: Before we can process your withdrawals we require you to provide a valid copy of your photo ID (Drivers License or Passport) and a hardcopy of a utility bill showing your name and address. This documentation will be requested once only. We accept withdrawals 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and we do our best to get your funds to you within 3-5 weeks, although due to current processor limitations, it may take a little longer. You may request a maximum of two withdrawals in a 24 hour period. The minimum withdrawal amount is $50. At present we can offer a check via either regular mail or express courier. Your first check request per calendar month will be free of charge. Subsequent requests will be subject to standard check-cutting fee depending on the method of sending ($20 for a check via mail, $40 for a check via courier). Should the address on file be a P.O. Box all checks will be sent via regular mail by default.On any withdrawal, we will first attempt to credit back to your card any funds that you have recently charged to that card. The rest of your winnings will be sent using the method of your choice.Only the 'earned' portion of any bonus funds will be available for withdrawal. The Cashier will advise you at the time you make your withdrawal whether you have fully earned any bonus funds awarded. If you proceed with the withdrawal, some or all the unearned bonus funds will be removed from your remaining V-chip balance.Your Personal Identification Number (PIN) is required before you can withdraw any funds from your account. It is a further step in securing that only you can access money in your account. This number was sent to you via email when you signed up.

You: Okay, a couple questions: first, I have cashed out before and did not need to disclose the ID and utility bill. Is this a new policy? And second, because I have requested 2 cashouts to no avail, have I been charged $40 two times over?

Nelson Hendricks: Yes it is a new policy imposed to us on July 22 by our new processors.
Nelson Hendricks: It is known as the KYC clause.

Nelson Hendricks: The new processors and their banks have to abide by the “KYC” international clause which requires that they show “proof” of an established relationship with our members.

Nelson Hendricks: The “KYC” or “Know your Customer” clause is a bank regulation that financial institutions and other regulated companies must perform to identify their clients and ascertain relevant information pertinent to doing financial business with them. Know your customer policies have becoming increasingly important globally to prevent identity theft fraud, money laundering and terrorist financing.

You: Okay. Fine. We definitely don't want to support the terrorists! But my first cashout request was in Mid-June, so I'm having a hard time believing it took over 5 weeks simply to process my request.

Nelson Hendricks: No, we had a lot of problem because of the US legislation against the financial institutions who help us to get the fund to our customers, we are working on getting new processor to get back to the same faster schedule we all prefer.

You: 10-4, good buddy. What about that $40 cashout request fee? Since I twice tried to cash out(and if memory serves, my past requests saw me get charged $40 immediately), have I been charged $80 to let my money wander aimlessly for over 2 months?

Nelson Hendricks: We will look further into that but right now we have to wait to get this funds to you as soon a possible then we will be able to talk to you about the compensation for you and those fees.

You: Sounds like a fantastic plan!

You: How do I go about sending my ID and utility bill? Will a fax suffice?

Nelson Hendricks: You can send a fax or an e-mail, let me give you the instructuions.

Nelson Hendricks: Please send the requested documents to 1800 201 4919 (++1-208-567-3627 if you are outside North America), or if it is more convenient you may scan your documents, attach them to an email, and send them to the following address: Please ensure that your customer ID number is prominent on the fax or subject line of the email. Please check the quality of your scan or fax to ensure that all information is fully legible. Once we have fully reviewed the documentation we will promptly email you with an update.

Nelson Hendricks: Is there anything else that I can assist you with?

You: I think that's gonna do it! Thanks for clearing things up, Nelson. You have been a solid, if gramatically ineffecient, help. Have a great rest of the week! USA! USA!

Nelson Hendricks: I appreciate that, I am sorry for the inconvenience.

And there we have it. What a complete joke of a policy. I have requested cashouts from this site in the past, and all have been successful. The players on the server are so laughably bad that I've been able to overlook the check request fees and awful software, but no longer. After I cash out, I am done with this particular poker site. Good God. Terrorist financing? Do they really have to type that in there? Who is using their measley $75 cashouts to fund terrorism?

It's been 2 months and counting since I first desired to bathe in my well-earned cash, and I still haven't caught a whiff of it. I can't think of anything else in this country that takes over 2 months to process. Can you? If so, please fill me in. I am completely baffled.

I'm moving to Sweden.

1 comment:

  1. I know where Nelson's office is. Somewhere behind the poker room at the AC Trump Taj.

    Fucking Jersey.......