Carlos Marmol Trade Watch: Opening Day and All is Lost

I play fantasy baseball. It sucks. I have Carlos Marmol on my team. He sucks. Dan Bardin has Kyuji Fujikawa on his team. He's okay. This is the ongoing saga of a surely futile endeavor to make a trade happen.

April 1, 2013. The Chicago Cubs recently secured an Opening Day victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates. The final score was 3-1. Anthony Rizzo did great things. The Cubs are undefeated. But it doesn't matter because CARLOS MARMOL IS RUINING MY LIFE A THIRD OF AN INNING AT A TIME.

He started the 9th and tried to lock up the save. LOL at that. I wasn't watching because MLB TV blacks out local games (classy!), but I assume he was throwing left handed in an effort to lower his trade value even further. He got one man out, allowed one run across, and left two on base when he departed.

Kyuji Fujikawa got the save instead. Of course he did. Dan Bardin: let's make a deal.

DAN BARDIN: ACCEPT THIS TRADE PROPOSAL. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?

Killer dolphins! Volcano lightning! (Today on Flipboard)

There's a mobile app called Flipboard that pulls in stories from around the world in a visually stunning way. You should download it. Here are some stories that were on my board today. My opinions do not reflect anyone else's because I am an idiot.

STORY NUMERO UNO

Ukraine Might Have Trained 'Killer' Dolphins That Might Have Escaped
Might have trained? Might have escaped? Pffff. I am not scared.

STORY NUMERO DOS

Trained Soviet Attack Dolphins With Head-Mounted Guns Are On The Loose

QUICKSCOPE

You now have my attention. It should be said that the ambiguity in story numero uno is for good reason. It's not clear if the Ukraine trained killer dolphins. And if they did, it's not clear if the dolphins were armed when they escaped.

Regardless, I think it's great that Ukraine uses Treehouse of Horror episodes of The Simpsons as a national defense strategy. If you're a Ukrainian groundskeeper named Willie, you should probably flee. Your death is imminent.

STORY NUMERO TRES

Terrifying Volcanic Lightning Photographed by Martin Rietze
Just look at those photos.

VIDEO NUMERO UNO

Here's Ricky Rubio doing Ricky Rubio things. Derrick Rose and whoever is influencing him to stay off the court should pay attention here. Remember when Rubio first came back from his ACL injury? He looked bad. Not himself. Yesterday? First career triple double, and that silky smooth double-behind-the-back hesitation move on top of it.

The next step in Rose's rehab is to play games. He's not going to get to 100% by doing nothing but practicing. He needs to get on the court. End of Chicago rant.

Mississippi to keep its children fat and stupid

Here are some facts about The Hospitality State.

Its nickname is The Hospitality State. I ruined that surprise. My bad.
Its state flag is wonderfully Confederate.
Its state bird is the mockingbird.
Its capital city is Jackson.
It is the fattest state in the country, and it's a bottom-five place to educate your kids.

You can thank the state's priorities for the education fact. South Dakota is the only state that pays its teachers less than the $40,000 Mississippi teachers get per year. But rest assured, Mississippians! Your kids will be chubby and lethargic while they're receiving their schooling.

It all started with Mayor Michael Bloomberg in New York City. His plan to limit the size of soft drinks was pooped upon by a judge and a gavel. Mississippi politicians, evidently feeling the reverberations of the Bloomberg Bill in their fat little cankles, moved as quickly as their 110 BPM resting heart rates would allow.

The Anti-Bloomberg Bill (not making it up; that's seriously its name) bars counties and towns from passing legislation requiring restaurants to post calorie counts. It also bars caps on portion sizes. You know, because it's not like obesity is a bigger health crisis than hunger or anything.

The Anti-Bloomberg Bill is expected to be signed by Governor Phil Bryant after waddling through the Mississippi House to the tune of a 50 to 1 vote. The lone naysayer, by the way, was executed and eaten.

My favorite quote comes from one Representative Gregory Holloway.

"Rep. Gregory Holloway, a Democrat, ushered the popular bill through the state House. He says the goal is to create consistency in nutrition laws across the state. "We don't want local municipalities experimenting with labeling of foods and any organic agenda. We want that authority to rest with the legislature," Holloway says."

Organic agenda.

You can practically see him giving an under-the-table to ADM and Cargill. Mayor Bloomberg, keep your hands off this man's processed foods.

Rep. Holloway can be emailed at gholloway@house.ms.gov

Dan Bardin, Thread Murderer

It is my sincere hope that this blog post pops up on page 1 of Google for the phrase "Dan Bardin." Here's a bit about Dan Bardin if you do not know him.

1. He is one of my besties.
2. He ruins threads.

That's about it! For proof, please see the below screencap.

You'll notice I removed one of Dan Bardin's comments. Actually, I removed three of them. He had already ruthlessly murdered the thread, but he also felt the need to punch it in the face a few timres. It was ugly.

So I deleted those comments. Wonderfully, it also asks if I'd like to:

• Undo it? No thanks.
• Report as abusive? A bit extreme. Pass.
• Block Dan Bardin? But he's my bestie!
• Give Dan Bardin feedback? I can do that.

DAN BARDIN. STOP MURDERING THREADS. YOU SUCK.

p.s. Please alert me when you start job hunting. I will remove this post. Because it's totally going to page 1 of Google.

If I only had 30 seconds to prove Nicolas Cage is the best actor of his generation...

...I would give you this clip.

Two Great Videos & The Happiest Rodent Ever

Because Tuesdays are totally the new Mondays, most of you could probably use a pick-me-up. So I'll stop being a ranting, raving doucheplatoon for one day and spread some happy.

1. Sassy Gay Friend Does Othello

Two very different yet very awesome videos today. First up we've got Sassy Gay Friend. This guy has torn apart Romeo & Juliet and Hamlet already and both are awesome, but this Othello performance is on another level.

2. Video proof that Bango is the NBA's best mascot

This is just the best. While Bango is backflipping off a 20-foot ladder, dunking, and not dying, an hour to the south Benny the Bull is taking kids' shoes and sitting his fat ass on people. Benny and Bango: practically twins!!

3. The Happiest Rodent Ever

Since the two people who read this blog are my mom and that one guy from high school, chances are you've already seen this photo, as I've spammed half of my email contacts with it. But in case you haven't, here you go. This little guy may have a bit of a mouth on him, but you cannot possibly fault his passion.

Happy Boobquake Day! Also, Two Reasons I'm Quitting Twitter

Today is National (Global?) Boobquake Day, inspired by the knowledge of a Middle Eastern cleric. He has the inside scoop on what causes earthquakes. It's not seismic waves in the Earth's crust, as "science" would lead you to believe. The Iranian media quoted Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi as saying:

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

I've never seen a quote that went from wise to batshit insane so quickly. Exposed women lead young men astray? Sure, I can see that. They corrupt their chastity and spread adultery? Well, okay, maybe a little sexist, but I catch your drift. This behavior increases earthquakes?

Wait. What?

So to determine once and for all if this theory holds water, a blogger in West Lafayette (pictured above, I think) has declared today to be Boobquake day. Facebook group here.

Reason #1 I'm Quitting Twitter: I'll never top this tweet.



Reason #2 I'm Quitting Twitter: TOO MANY MEANIES

If you have a Twitter account, you likely have occasional "Wait, why am I following this person?" moments. Here's one of those cases for me. Instead of trying to sum up the utter pointlessness of this guy's updates, here's a screen cap of what he's posted simply in the last day.



So I sent this guy the following:



His reply:



So I'll be canceling my Twitter account just as soon as my tears clear up enough to let me see my monitor.

An NFL Rant: This Has Ben On My Mind for a While

Well, it turns out Ben Roethlisberger is a dick-waving redneck pervert (his dong might be gray, by the way. Proof). Now that the Steelers' 100 million dollar QB is officially a menace to coeds everywhere, I'd say it's about time to enact a moratorium on the media calling him "Ben."

This paternal garbage was infuriating even before it was discovered Roethlisberger swings his lasso around like a two year old who just discovered it's there. But now that this information has come to light, people are still calling him Ben. For real, you idiots. This needs to stop.

You don't know him. He's not your kid. It's not hard to type Roethlisberger. If you don't know how to spell it, Google it. And if your only job is to SAY his name, either on TV, radio or podcasts, you have even less of an excuse. It's three extra syllables. Do you know how unprofessional you sound? Let me lay it out for you.

When you say: "Roethlisberger took his penis out and screamed YUMMY YUMMY DING DONG TIMES!" you sound like you're doing your job.

When you say: "Ben took his penis out and screamed YUMMY YUMMY DING DONG TIMES!" you sound like you're telling a story of your kid's most recent bathtub experience.

Stop being a dumbass. Figure it out.

Radiohead Fans Are The Worst

Radiohead and I are like that one roommate you never quite gelled with. Great dude, everyone loved him, but for some reason it just never clicked for you. Click here to see their video for Paranoid Android, one of my favorite songs off of my favorite album of theirs. I can acknowledge that this is good music. I think the reason I'm not very into Radiohead is because I'm afraid of falling into one of the following groups.

The "What's the Deeper Meaning?" Radiohead fan

The "ZOMG NOTHING WILL EVER TOP THIS" Radiohead fan

The "Radiohead is kind of underground despite being mainstream and politicians hate that" Radiohead fan

The "Radiohead Is Better Than Your Favorite Music" Radiohead fan

Every one of these groups has its share of idiots, but the last group is the worst of the worst. My band is not better than your band. There's no way to prove it. Music is by far the most difficult medium to argue. When I'm listening to Paranoid Android, I think the hook is catchy and the lyrics are impossible to comprehend. But maybe the lyrics resonate with you because you can think outside the box, or you think the government is spying on you, or you're tripping on acid. We all hear music differently. This is why Pitchfork is full of shit, by the way.

After rambling on about how pointless it is to argue music, it's time for me to contradict myself: Lady GaGa is not actually that awful. In fact, she's kind of badass. She's interesting, her songs are catchy, and above all, fat kids love to sing them.

To all Radiohead fans who fall into any of the above groups: Get Did. Seriously. I might love this music if I wasn't so scared of my musical tastes shrinking to one band and one band only. You're all idiots.

Rant: Jam Bands Suck

Time for another edition of Arguing About Musical Opinions: The Most Pointless Discussion Humans Can Possibly Have. Are you as excited as I am? Let's get started.

As you can see to the left, Dan Bardin is a moron.

On a day much like today roughly two years ago, I realized jam bands are brutal. I forget what song I was listening to, so let's just say it was one of the hundreds of versions of "Watchtower" DMB has played over the years.

I'm knocking DMB early on in this rant, so let me clarify by restating that all jam bands suck. Who's your favorite jam band ever? I'll go out on a limb and say it's either DMB, The Grateful Dead or Phish. My personal favorite jam band (and one of my favorite bands ever) would be Gov't Mule. And guess what: if any song by any of these groups hits my iPod and exceeds the 10 minute mark, it's getting skipped. Even Mule. I don't have that kind of time. I buy my books in a matter of seconds, I skip TV commercials and my movies are mailed to me. I've completely run out of patience when it comes to these interminable songs. Because here's the deal, and I'm gonna boldface this point for emphasis:


Jam Bands are consistently lauded for their improvisation skills, when in reality everyone playing is too stoned to realize a song should have ended 6 minutes ago.

This is why studio versions of songs are generally a more manageable 4 to 5 minutes. The band members are much less likely to be tripping balls in the studio, and even if they are, they'll have a producer in their ear telling them to wrap it up because nobody wants to listen to 5 extra minutes of "improv."

And therein lies a key component to digging the jam bands, particularly at live shows. You'd best be in some kind of altered state.

I've been to numerous DMB shows, and every time I hear a killer 20 minute version of "Too Much" and I'm ready to off myself, but before I do I look around, and EVERYONE IS ENJOYING THEMSELVES. For a while, I wondered what was wrong with me. Am I a hipster? Are my tastes not as diverse as I thought they were? Turns out all the people grooving to another endless DMB jam were simply higher than Brittany Murphy.

And to those of you telling me I forgot booze: I didn't forget booze. Being trashed at a concert is the worst. You're in the bathroom a majority of the time, and when you're actually hanging out listening to music, it's impossible to comprehend.

Back to Dan Bardin. He's a moron, yes. But I can't fault him. I know him better than most people on the planet, and I know that he learned guitar thanks to DMB songs way back in his early teens. That's some powerful nostalgia that's impossible to argue away. This is why he agreed with me that all jam bands suck...except for Dave. It's completely hypocritical and also completely understandable. Nostalgia has power. It's why I think Homeward Bound is a dynamite movie, when it fact it most likely bites the big one.

But for the rest of you idiots, you have no excuse. Once again, and hopefully the third time is the charm: JAM BANDS SUCK. In the time it took you to listen to Dark Star, you could have heard four Black Keys tunes. Increase your musical efficiency, grow up, and above all, stop thinking you have to get high to enjoy music. You don't. The music just has to be good.