Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Chuck Norris Wears Ben Bailey Pajamas

Dear Ben Bailey,

Let me start this fan letter off by saying that I never write these things (I know, I know, you don't believe me! :P ). After watching 100 episodes of Cash Cab over the past 5 days (Thank you, DVR!), I can honestly say that your on-camera demeanor transcends comedy, humanity, and skills behind the wheel. Your calming persona instantly puts your fares at ease and tells them, hey, this guy is legit. Despite his tricked out minivan cab and seemingly endless pile of Ben Franklins, he might not actually be a serial killer. You see, Ben, Cash Cab would never work in the hands of a lesser host. Were it not for your brilliant quarterbacking of the cab rides, things would take a tragic turn. Take this hypothetical situation, for example:

Passenger: Madison Square Garden, please. I'm going to a New York Liberty game. I love women's basketball. I think speed, finesse, dunking, and entertainment are all overrated. I also crave butch lesbians.

Bad News Host(cues the light show inside the cab): Hello! I am not who you think I am! This is a cash cab! You like cash?

Passenger: Um...what?

Stupid Host(light show is still going crazy): Game show! Do you enjoy game shows? Yes? Yes? Yes? Yes?

Passenger, unable to look away from the light show: Yes.

Worse-Than-Ben Host: Yes! I will give you this money, but first you must do things that I tell you to do!

Passenger, pulling out pepper spray: Do you feel a sneeze coming on?

And it would just escalate from there. If we ignore the brilliant pepper one-liner from the passenger, that would not be a watchable show. It's you, Ben. You make it watchable. And not only are you perfect and oh-so-easy on the eyes, you also teach me things that I didn't know! What Italian film was nominated for both Best Picture and Best Foreign Language Film? Why, Life is Beautiful, of course!

Telekinesis! France! Coyotes! So much education! I'm going to throw up!

I have a question for you, Ben. I figure you do so much to teach the city of New York, you might like to answer something for once. What 6'6" actor/comedian/game show host/cabbie is number one in my heart?

That's right, Ben. It's you.

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