Monday, July 14, 2008

It's Griffey, Bitch!

For those of you slightly less nerdy than I, let me illuminate the gold mine that is the Wii's Virtual Console. Upon being plugged in, your Wii searches for an internet signal like a bloodhound tracking fox farts. Once found, BOOM! Scores of new information are at your remote-wielding fingertips. What's the weather like in Istanbul? Let's check. Did C.C. Sabathia suffer a horrific injury last night? Can't wait to find out! Can I finally download Ken Griffey, Jr. Presents Major League Baseball for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System?

No, I cannot. But I should effing be able to do so.

You see, my favorite internet-based program on the Wii is its Virtual Console. The VC let's you jump into a time machine and re-play all of the classics from when you were young. 5 dollars for an NES game, 8 dollars for a SNES or Genesis game, and 10 bucks for an N64 game. Um...CHA-CHING. Nintendo is making bank on this idea. And you'd think that with all the extra money flowing in, some ingenuity might be spawned. Not the case.

I want to play Griffey Baseball. It is (in my opinion, which is always a flat-out fact) the greatest sports game created on the Super NES and one of the best games of all time. Fact. 575 foot blasts! Full seasons! Ridiculous diving catches, double plays, 103 mph heaters and 50 mph changeups! HEY NINTENDO! I WILL PAY 8 DOLLARS FOR THIS GAME! AND I WILL NOT BE ALONE!

Instead, on June 18th, Nintendo finally gave us Ninja Combat! Oh man! Finally! It feels like I've waited 4 eternities! I can finally guide Musashi to glorious victory! Here's the review of the game from It's not a positive one.

Look, it's not difficult. I want to be able to have a say in what games are released. This is America. I want a vote. This is not 1965 in Moscow. Joe Stalin does not tell me what to do. If I could somehow wipe my ass with Ninja Combat, I would. That's the only way it might be worth 9 dollars to me. The fact that it was released long before Griffey is ludicrous.

But upon visiting its website, it's obvious that Nintendo will be selfishly releasing games we have no intention of playing before fan favorites are given to us. Yes, folks, it's true we have Mario. But sports games have been getting the shaft, and I'm sick of it. I am literally sick! I just vomited! It's not a tall order, Nintendo. Drop your kinky sex toys and give me Griffey Baseball. And Tecmo Super Bowl. Thanks.
The ninjas are combatting!

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