He can do it all! Phil Mickelson, #2 golfer in the world, known affectionately as "Lefty" to his thousands of adoring fans, has just done the impossible. He will be starting at first base for the National League in the 2008 All-Star Game. Phil is having a monster season thus far at the plate, batting .347 with 22 home runs and 72 RBIs.
When Astros manager Cecil Cooper was asked about his star first baseman, he quickly became nervous when he heard the golfer's name dropped. "Phil doesn't like to be called by his real name when he's on the diamond," Cooper puzzlingly stated. "He goes by 'Lance Berkman' out here. Don't ask me why. I think it's a stupid name, personally. I don't know why he thinks a name change is good enough to confuse his fans. Liposuction would be much more effective. This is all off the record, right?"
Former Astro 'roid monster and current deceased idiot Ken Caminiti was contacted from beyond the grave about the remarkable skills Mickelson possesses. "Being dead is not fun."
Fantastic insight there from Caminiti. Hunter Pence, a teammate of Mickelson's on the Astros, was a bit more candid.
"Yeah, Phil...sorry, Lance...is having a great year," Pence said. "It's obvious that his focus is in tip-top shape when he's at the plate and at the buffet after the game. If you ask me, that's why his golf game has gone to Caminiti in a handbasket. With so much determination on the field, I imagine it'd be tough to keep that same level of commitment on the golf course. I mean, the guy isn't exactly mentally tough. He thinks changing his name is as effective as that stupid face-morpher in Mission Impossible 2.
"What's really frightening about, um, Lance, is the way he reacts to being called 'Phil' or 'Lefty,'", Pence went on. "I made the mistake of calling him Phil during a game in the first month of the season, and he immediately began to sob. And he was on deck! He just stormed off the field and into the clubhouse, and he pouted there for the rest of the game! Coach Cooper told me to apologize as quickly as I could, and I was happy to oblige. The guy is hitting just about .350 this year. I'd probably give him an HJ if I needed to."
When asked why Mickelson switch hits in baseball, Cooper replied, "You know, it's funny, but I've never thought about that. Phil has such a pure swing from both sides of the plate, so you'd think he'd try to incorporate a right-handed golf swing when things are going badly, kind of like they have been for the past 3 years."
Nice celebration, Lance.