Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Tim McCarver 2008 All-Star Game Log

For those of you lucky enough not to have familiarized yourselves with Fox's #1 color commentator, Tim McCarver is comedic gold. His comments are better than anything I could possibly invent, so here we go! My VHS recording of the All-Star Game is ready to go, so let's see what happens!

Top 1st: Indians pitcher Cliff Lee strikes out Florida's Hanley Ramirez with a cutter that paints the outside corner. Says McCarver, "That looked like a cut fastball in on the hands." And we're underway!

The top of the 1st concludes peacefully as Lee retires the National League in order. To take up some time, here's a Dos Equis commercial I just saw. This is one of the funniest ad campaigns out there right now.

Bottom 1st: McCarver with a fascinating stat! The Yankees last won a World Series in 2000, and in that year Derek Jeter was both the All-Star Game and World Series MVP! It's a new McCarver!

Bottom 1st: Ok, never mind. McCarver just compared Chase Utley's compact swing to NL starting pitcher Ben Sheets's "compact curveball." I am definitely uncertain as to what that could possibly mean.

Top 2nd: Cliff Lee is apparently gunning for the 2008 Chuck Norris Award as well as the AL Cy Young. He does pull ups while hunting deer! WHAT???

Top 2nd: McCarver seems amazed by the fact that since the All-Star Game began in 1933, the AL has outscored the NL by one run. Yeah, Tim. It's pretty hard to believe! If he were a currency commentator, he'd tell us that in 75 penny flips, heads leads tails by the ever-so-close score of 38-37. Remarkable! What are the odds?

Bottom 2nd: Ben Sheets is now facing Manny Ramirez, "the best two-strike hitter in baseball." See, it's remarks like this that get McCarver in trouble. Manny is most likely a brilliant two-strike hitter. As a matter of fact, he is one of the best hitters ever and arguably the best pure hitter of his generation. All of these comments are safer than the one McCarver made. When you call someone THE BEST, you'd better have some evidence to back it up. But he never does. Elias Sports Bureau really needs to do take him under its wing.

Well, we've gotten the Miller High Life beer thief and Subway Jared in one half-inning's worth of commercials. I have a counter-intuitive theory that having a camera crew following you can make it much easier to pull off petty thefts. The presence of cameras enables misdeeds? Believe it, folks! Can I dress up as a Miller employee and gank some High Life from hoity toity establishments? I can picture it now..."50 dollars for a round of laser tag? How dare you! I'm just going to take this case of horrendous beer. While I do it, you'd better think about what you've done." What a sweet ad campaign High Life has. They certainly know their demographic: the broke-ass alcoholic redneck. In other words, Arkansas loves to live the High Life. Personally, I'd rather pound some Icehouse. Or diesel gas.

Top 3rd: Well, Tim and Joe Buck are interviewing Yogi Berra, and...did it happen? Yes! Tim McCarver has done the impossible! He has rendered Yogi Berra speechless! The question that did the job? "Yogi, have you ever not had any fun?" Sweet Moses.

Hey! Spanish from Old School just reminded me that there's only one October! I'll take it. Anyone's better than Dane Cook, the world's first and only person to be out-acted by the Jessicas. No small feat.

Top 4th: News flash: Albert Pujols's legs will consistently get plowed by Ichiro's right arm. Just a heads up.

Bottom 4th: Big Z on the hill! I love the nutjob. I hear he racks up thousand-dollar tabs at restaurants with his buddies and never tips, but hey, who doesn't? The guy throws smoke. He just struck out A-Rod, the subject of Jayson Stark's fantastic article that scolded the Yankees slugger for passing up on the Derby. Alex Rodriguez currently leads my list of baseball players I want to be busted for steroids. He's just a conceited, above-it-all, family-destroying dirtbag.

And the recording of the game just stopped! It only lasted 4 innings! Looks like my McCarver bashing will have to be cut a bit short. So what have we learned? First, DON'T RECORD TV ON VHS. What is this, 1989? I'm an idiot. But as for McCarver, it seems to me that his biggest flaw (other than not knowing how to analyze a slow-motion replay...I mean, come on, a monkey could do it) is his oversimplification. He has a somewhat delusional belief that TV viewers know nothing about baseball, so he picks the simplest topics and expounds them into the ground. So either he's misguided about the baseball knowledge of Joe Baseballfan, or he's a complete moron who can only analyze baseball's simplest aspects.

Wow, I just realized this game lasted 15 innings. It's 2:45 am right now. Maybe it's a good thing the tape ran out. For those of you craving something more to read about James Timothy McCarver, here you go.

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